UHF (The Lost Episode! Sorta!)

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(A Note from Derek: A few years ago, the guys and I sat down to watch a movie. The recorder was set up after, and we did what we usually do. But something went wrong, and my computer crapped-out, taking the unedited audio file of that particular episode with it. Now, it seems only appropriate that, upon the triumphant return of Larry to the show, we should have a second go at tackling this classic of cinema. So, welcome back, Larry! And welcome back, Lost Episode!)

Oh, the 80s...Such a great time, musically. Hair bands were all the rage, everybody was dressed like they were going to a bondage orgy, and Bob Geldof wanted to feed Africa. Also, an accordion playing parody writer named Al Yankovic was getting some major attention for his songs. It started with recording a few songs in the bathroom across the hall from the college radio station he worked at, and eventually led to artist-endorsed parodies of superstars of the time, such as Madonna and Michael Jackson. And then it was time to conquer a new frontier: the cinema. And in 1989, that dream came to fruition with this week's movie, UHF.

"Weird Al" Yankovic is George Newman, a guy who has trouble keeping his mind on his work, largely because he daydreams about being the star of action and adventure movies. When he and his roommate Bob (David Bowe) get fired from yet another job because of George, their outlook is not good, especially for George, whose girlfriend Teri (Victoria Jackson) is pretty close to giving up on him, as well.

During a convenient meeting with his Aunt Esther (Sue Ane Langdon) and Uncle Harvey (Stanley Brock), George is put in charge of a low-wattage UHF television station that his uncle won in a poker game. When he takes Teri to have a look at the place, they meet the soft-spoken and odd Philo (Anthony Geary), the station's program manager and resident scientist. He tells them that the station basically shows old reruns, but George informs him that he has different ideas.

Keep dreaming, Al. Keep dreaming.

The next day, George and Bob come to work, where they meet receptionist/aspiring reporter Pamela Finklestein (Fran Drescher), who warns them that the station is not exactly a money-maker. A quick look at the books confirms this.

At the same time, the station received a package that is meant to go to the town's network affiliate station, and George volunteers to take it to Channel 8 and deliver it himself. When he gets there, he meets R.J. Fletcher (Kevin McCarthy), who immediately tries to fire him, only to be told George doesn't work there. Fletcher then accuses him of spying and has him escorted from the building. On the way out, George meets Stanley Spadowski (a pre-openly racist Michael Richards), a janitor who has just been fired by Fletcher, and offers him a job at U62. Stanley enthusiastically accepts and follows him out of the building.

Their faces say it all.

Back at the station, George and Bob are trying new programs to bring the ratings up, but their first attempt, Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse, does not do the trick, and Bob has to let George know that the station will be bankrupt by the end of the week. Determined to not let this happen, George and Bob stay up all night and try to come up with more shows. George falls asleep at his desk and dreams of being a rock star and singing about The Beverly Hillbillies, only to wake up in the morning and realize he missed a date with Teri and her parents. He tries calling her, and she breaks up with him.

About to lose yet another job, and distraught about losing his girlfriend, George has to do his show, where he gets so depressed he leaves in the middle of it, putting Stanley in charge of the show while he and Bob go to a bar to drown their sorrows. Once they get to the bar, however, they realize the entire crowd is watching Stanley on television, and they immediately head back to see what happened. They arrive just as Stanley is finishing up, and George offers him the opportunity to do the show every day. After some haggling to ensure he will still be able to do the janitorial work, too, Stanley agrees, and the show is re-titled Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse.

That kid definitely got hurt, right?

Newly energized, George and Bob start making up new shows and bringing their friends in to host them. Among them are Wheel of Fish starring Kuni (Gedde Watanabe) the Karate teacher, and Raul's Wild Kingdom, which features the host (Trinidad Silva) teaching poodles how to fly. Bob and George both claim they didn't hire Raul, so nobody knows how he got there. Another show involves Philo, who teaches viewers how to make things like plutonium with household items. Even George get's another show, Town Talk, which is pretty much a parody of Geraldo Rivera's old talk show, but with slightly more integrity.

Soon, the stations rating beat even Channel 8, which infuriates Fletcher, who starts planning a way to take U62 down. He finds out who owns the station and contacts Uncle Harvey to make an offer. Harvey, whose gambling has hit a bump, finds himself $75,000 in the hole to a gangster called Big Louie, so he agrees to Fletcher's offer. But when Aunt Esther finds out about it, she tells Harvey he has to give George a chance to raise the money first. Harvey agrees, much to Fletcher's annoyance.

Annoyed? Or constipated? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

When George is told he can make an offer, he comes up with the idea of holding a telethon to sell shares in the station, making it publicly-owned. Stanley is the host, and things start out really well. So well, in fact, that Fletcher sends some thugs to kidnap Stanley and keep him off the air, hopefully causing U62 to not meet their goal. He also goes on the air to denounce U62, but Philo interrupts Channel 8's video feed with video taken earlier of Fletcher telling Teri how he truly feels about the people in the town. It's not good.

When Philo discovers that Stanley has been kidnapped, he tells George, who launches a rescue to save Stanley. He rushes to Channel 8 and bursts through the doors, only to be taken captive himself. Fortunately, he planned ahead, and Kuni and his students attack the thugs and get George and Stanley out of there. They all head back to the station to finish out the telethon.

With the last few minutes left, they are still $2000 short, and Fletcher shows up to shut the whole thing down. He pulls the plug. (Although it is not clear on what, as everything still appears to be working.) As he is about to get onstage and tell everyone to give up, Big Louie and Uncle Harvey show up, looking for the money from George...

Working in TV is rough!

But will George and the rest of the town get the rest of it together in time? Or will Fletcher turn the station into a parking lot? Will Pamela ever realize her dream of being a not-very-good reporter? Will Stanley ever understand what's going on?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry is back, baby! And he was super-psyched to come back to this fine film! He also was really happy that our pal Redtache sent along a stand-in, as can be seen in the photo below.

Jake doesn't have a lot to say, other than that he quite enjoyed the movie. What more is there to say, really?

Derek also doesn't have a lot to say, but he does anyway, as usual. He likes the subtle jokes as much as the very broad ones, and he is a big fan of the various movie parodies.

So bust out that Hawaiian shirt and those Vans, put out a plate of Twinkie Wiener Sandwiches, and check out this week's episode!

Danger: Diabolik!

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The Godfather. Scarface. Young Guns.

All of those movies treat very bad people as heroes, for some reason. But they are not heroes. Also, they're based on real people, so differentiating between the fiction of the movie's story and the reality of these terrible people's lives is important.

This week's movie, Danger: Diabolik!, is not based on a real-life person. Or reality at all. In fact, it's based on an Italian comic strip. The main character is about as far from a hero as you can get, but he is framed in this film like one.

Diabolik (John Phillip Law) is a famous cat burglar who is best known for his stunning blue eyes and his penchant for rubber. With the help of his girlfriend, Eva (Marisa Mell), he steals countless riches, confounding the police and upsetting other criminals.

The movie starts with ten million dollars being hauled somewhere, and the man in charge, Inspector Ginko (Michel Piccoli), is doing everything he can to make sure it gets to its destination, wherever that is, safely. He sets up a fake caravan of police motorcycles and limousines, and fills money bags with blank paper as a precaution. He will be attending to the actual money himself.

The delivery sets out, and things appear to be going well, until they arrive at the waterfront. Smoke bombs go off, and they lose track of each other. When they can finally see, they find Diabolik high above them, taking the real money out of the other car! He drops it into a boat, where Eva eagerly awaits, and then he dives into the water himself. He makes it back to his car's hidden location, and takes off down the road. The police, for what it's worth, planned ahead and had a helicopter on the lookout, and it gives chase, following Diabolik's car until it goes into a tunnel.

Mmph!

Inside the tunnel, Diabolik moves the money to Eva's car, and then sends his own car out and over a cliff, hoping it will make the police think he is dead. Diabolik and Eva play a bit of tonsil hockey, and they are off in the opposite direction, headed for their cave-based hideout to have all kinds of sex on some of the money they just stole.

Ginko is not happy, and neither are his superiors. They want Diabolik and they want him yesterday! But they can't find him, as nobody knows what he looks like, which is unfortunate, because they both attend a press conference from the Minister of the Interior (Terry-Thomas). He reinstates the death penalty as a way of trying to stop all the crime going on. Diabolik drops some laughing gas on the crowd, and he and Eva head home, no doubt happy with a day's work done well.

Ginko takes a novel approach to finding Diabolik; he starts cracking down on other criminals, hoping they will give him a hand in stopping Diabolik. Ralph Valmont (Adolpho Celi), a major drug dealer, is willing to work out a deal to get Ginko off his back. Ginko offers a reduced sentence instead, and Valmont (who is referred to as "Wawa" throughout the podcast) accepts.

Get me the Burger King! Immediately!

Meanwhile, In the Diabolik-cave, post-coital news watching results in Diabolik getting an idea for Eva's birthday gift, which is approaching soon, apparently. Maybe "every kiss begins with Kay," but for Diabolik and Eva, boning begins with burglary! He's going to steal a famous emerald necklace for her. But he makes her earn it by casing the castle where the necklace will be. While there, she is spotted by a prostitute who gives her description to Valmont so he can create a sketch of her and have his men go out looking.

The day of the burglary comes, and Diabolik scales the side of the castle, sneaking into the room of the elderly couple who have the necklace. As he is leaving with it, he is spotted and chased by the police, all the way to the top of the castle, where he pretends to launch himself from with a catapult that happened to be laying around. The police leave the roof, and Diabolik finds a way down do he and Eva can escape in her car again. Along the way, they stop and set up a trap for anybody following them, causing another car to go over a cliff and explode, and this one had Ginko in it! (Don't worry. He manages to get out of the explosion with only a light scratch on his head.

You'll never let me down, booze.

At some point, Eva injures her arm, so Diabolik has her go to a doctor to get it looked at. She stops to get gas on the way, and one of Valmont's men spots her, following her to the doctor's office and alerting Valmont, who comes to snatch Eva and kill the doctor. When Diabolik discovers Eva is missing (due to an ad in the paper advertising a white Jaguar--her car), he calls the number and Valmont answers, telling Diabolik he wants the stolen ten million dollars and the emerald necklace. Diabolik agrees and sets up a meeting on Valmont's plane.

Upon arrival at the airport, Diabolik is disarmed and taken aboard the plane, which takes off, and he gives Valmont the money, but refuses to give him the necklace until he turns Eva over. Valmont tells him no necklace, no girl, and Diabolik immediately capitulates. Valmont's men give Diabolik a parachute and open the floor so he can jump out and parachute down to where Eva is being held. But before he jumps, he grabs Valmont and pulls him out the opening with him, after which the plane explodes.

In freefall, Diabolik questions Valmont (we won't even go into the impossibility of that, considering the wind rushing past and all) and is told that, along with Eva, Ginko is waiting for him with a bunch of other cops who intend to arrest him. Just before they reach the ground, Diabolik knocks Valmont out and drops him, stealing back the emerald necklace, ditching the parachute and hiding behind a sand dune while he makes a plan.

He sneaks into the building where Eva is being held, just as the guy watching her is about to burn her with his cigarette, gives the guy a karate chop to the neck (this appears to be Diabolik's signature move, as he did a double-chop on Valmont), and rescues Eva. As they run across the beach, the are cornered, so Diabolik tells Eva to find her way home and draws the attention of the police so she can escape. Valmont, now conscious, opens fire on Diabolik, but fails miserably. Diabolik, on the other hand, is a better shot. So much so that he can load the emeralds from the necklace into the gun and shoot Valmont with those! (FULL DISCLOSURE: The guys did not realize that's what happened, and this led to a hilarious bout of trying to figure out how Valmont ended up with the emeralds inside him.)

All this, just to get laid on a pile of money. SO MANY paper cuts.

The police open fire again, and although they don't know whether they hit him, Ginko realizes the gunfight is pretty one-sided, so he goes over the top of the dune and discovers Diabolik, apparently dead. They take his body back to the city and hold a press conference, announcing his death. At the same time, Diabolik, who is very not dead, awakens as the pathologist is about to bandsaw the top of his head off. After revealing in great detail how he managed to cheat death, he and Eva, who is dressed up as the hottest nurse ever, escape, but not before as visit to the crematorium to collect Valmont's ashes, as well as the emeralds that are in them.

The government is now pretty upset about a dead guy ezscaping, so they put out a rewrd of a million dollars for his capture. To show he's not going to take that sitting down, Diabolik blows up a number of tax offices (remember: this is the "hero" of the movie), and the citizens refuse to pay their taxes because they don't want all their money blown up, putting the city into debt. The government decides that the best way to deal with this is to sell a twenty ton gold ingot to buy more currency, because how could a reedy guy like Diabolik manage to walk off with a big ol' brick of solid gold?

Naturally, Diabolik has a plan to do exactly that, and it involves having Eva wear tiny clothes and fooling the hillbilly driving a truck into thinking she would even pay the slightest bit of attention to him otherwise. (FULLER DISCLOSURE: We would probably fall for that, as well.) It works, and Diabolik steals the truck, driving it through a police barricade and clears the way for them to catch the train the gold is loaded on. They set up a trap to get the train to go over a bridge that they have rigged with explosives, which it does, and the explosion causes the train to fall into the ocean, with the gold and Ginko onboard.

It sounds like a dumb idea, and it is, but Diabolik has got it covered! He gets into his mini sub and retrieves the TWENTY TON GOLD BRICK with the help of his equally reedy girlfriend and a couple of balloons, and takes it back to the Diabolik-cave. Don't question it. Just accept it.

Get out of my secret lair, mom!

Now it's time to melt the giant ingot down using a "laser" and turn it into several much smaller ingots. But just as they're getting started, the police show up, having tracked the container the gold was in by its radiation signal. (Ginko had it partially irradiated for this very reason.) Again, Eva fades into the darkness, leaving Diabolik to try flooding the cavern in order to get the cops to go away, but they pin him down before he can get to the valve, and the "laser" causes the container to explode, covering the interior of the cavern--and Diabolik himself--in gold.

Is he dead again? Or will he get out of it? And why does Eva go from being dressed like short shorts to a goth beekeeper in less than a minute? Also, what the hell did we just watch?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake is surprised to realize that he actually enjoyed this movie. It keeps things interesting, and managed to be fun at the same time. He is curious, however, exactly how Diabolik managed to get those emeralds in Valmont's body. He has theories. They're icky.

Derek has loved this movie since he first saw it as the final episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He also thinks Eva is nifty, and is disturbed by Diabolik's eyes. Are they grey? Blue? Zombie white? It is unnerving.

So put on your rubber gimp suit, ram your tongue down your girlfriend's throat so far that you can taste her toenails, and check out this week's episode!

Clash of the Titans (1981)

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Those kooky ancient Greeks! What with their Krakens and Gorgonses and Pegasuseses and gods for every occasion, it's not hard to imagine why they came up with such oddball stories about why stuff happened. And it was only a matter of time before Hollywood got their hands on these stories and made something that, if you step back and squint really hard, might somewhat resemble something vaguely similar to the established Greek mythology.

Which brings us to this episode's movie, 1981's Clash of the Titans...A film that boldly calls Burgess Meredith a philosopher and a poet, and puts Harry Hamlin in a miniskirt!

Hamlin plays Perseus, the bastard child of the god Zeus (Sir Laurence Olivier). When Acrisius of Argos (Donald Houston) has his daughter Danaë and her newborn son Perseus stuffed in a wooden box and shoved into the sea, Zeus kills Acrisius and sics the Kraken on Argos to destroy it.

The biggest jerks around.

Danaë and Perseus end up having floated to the island of Seriphos, where Perseus grows into the slope-foreheaded young man he was destined to be.

Calibos (Neil McCarthy), the son of sea goddess Thetis (Dame Maggie Smith), is working some sort of deal to be engaged to Andromeda (Judi Bowker), daughter of Cassiopeia (Siân Phillips), Queen of Joppa. However, Calibos pisses-off Zeus, who transforms him into what appears to be a wolfman with an afro. This is never fully explained. For revenge, Thetis transports Perseus to an amphitheater in Joppa, where he meets Ammon (Burgess Meredith), the aforementioned philosopher and poet. He tells Perseus about Andromeda, who is apparently under a curse from Calibos, and cannot marry unless the prospective groom answers a riddle that Calibos feeds her. If they get the answer wrong, they are barbecued in the town square. (You know, as one does to make sure nobody hears the same riddle twice...?)

Total jerk.

Suitably ticked-off about Thetis pulling a stunt without giving him a heads-up, Zeus Has the other gods make some stuff for Perseus to defend himself and impress Andromeda. Hera (Clair Bloom) makes a shield for him, Athena (Susan Fleetwood) gives him a helmet that makes its wearer invisible, and Aphrodite (Ursula Andress) gives him a magical sword that can cut fake cinder blocks in half. As a test run, Perseus uses the helmet to catch a Pegasus and goes into Joppa, where he discovers that Calibos has a giant vulture that picks Andromeda up at night (her spirit, actually) and takes her to his cave, where he gives her the next riddle. Perseus is almost captured by Calibos, but he puts up a good fight and manages to cut off Calibos' hand, which he takes back to Joppa. He does, however, manage to lose his shiny new helmet in the process.

The next morning, Perseus and Ammon go to Joppa so Perseus can ask for Andromeda's hand in marriage, because things were, apparently, much easier back then -- no long, drawn-out periods of dating; just jumping right into the marriage with both feet. He correctly answers the riddle, and a wedding is set. Calibos, meanwhile, wants revenge, but Thetis cannot act against Andromeda, so she uses a loophole and interrupts the wedding after Cassiopeia compares Andromeda's beauty to that of Thetis. Thetis demands that Andromeda is sacrificed to the Kraken. If Cassiopeia doesn't do it, the entire city of Joppa will be destroyed. Unwilling to have his soon-to-be new wife eaten by an ocean monster, Perseus and his team (Ammon, plus a couple of military dudes from Joppa) hatch a plan to find out how to kill the Kraken. Before they can leave, however, the Pegasus is stolen by Calibos and his Geico Caveman knockoff henchmen.

Also a jerk.

Setting off with a plan to find the Stygian Witches (Flora Robson, Anna Manahan and Freda Jackson), who can tell them how to stop the Kraken, Perseus, Ammon, Andromeda and the soldiers head out on slower, non-flying horses.

Zeus discovers that Perseus lost his helmet (kids these days!), so he tells Athena to send her owl Bubo to Perseus, but she doesn't want to give it up. Instead, she has Hephaestus build a mechanical version and sends that, and it leads Perseus to the Stygian Witches.

Not jerks.

Perseus has to steal the one magic eye the three blind witches use between them in order to get them to answer his question about defeating the Kraken. When he promises to give it back, they tell him he must find Medusa, the Gorgon, whose stare -- alive or dead -- can turn anything that looks back at it into stone. If he can get Medusa's head, he can use it against the Kraken.

With this new information in hand, Perseus sends Ammon and Andromeda back to Joppa because he feels the next part of the journey will be too dangerous for them to follow. After some protesting, they agree. Perseus and the others, meanwhile, call the ferry to take them across the River Styx, which will bring them to the Gorgon's lair.

Upon landing on the island, the group is attacked by Dioskilos, a two-headed dog that acts as Medusa's guardian. Perseus kills it, and the group proceeds into the abandoned temple in which Medusa lives, warning the others to not look her in the eye if they see her, and that they should instead use the reflection on the inside of their shields. Of course, this is almost immediately forgotten when they encounter her, as one of the men is killed whens he shoots him with an arrow, and the other turns and looks directly at her, which, as promised, makes him an instant statue. Perseus, however, has remained hidden and, managing to snag his shield on the stone body of one of Medusa's previous victims, catches her attention. But when she approaches to attack, he lops her head off with his magic sword, throws her head in a bag, and gets out of Dodge. Now all has to do is rest a bit, and then get back to Joppa as quickly as possible.

Jerkiest of jerks.

The "rest" part is interrupted when Calibos sneaks into their camp, pokes some holes in Medusa's severed head, and causes giant scorpions to grow and attack Perseus and his few remaining men. After much fighting, Calibos and the scorpions are killed, as are the rest of the men who accompanied Perseus. Straight-up worn out from battle, Perseus sends Bubo to rescue the Pegasus from Calibos. Not only does Bubo manage to do that, but he also fights the giant vulture and causes it to set Calibos' castle on fire, burning it to the ground.

Back in Joppa, it is the longest day of the year, which also happens to be Kraken Sacrifice Day, so Andromeda is super-hoping Perseus gets there soon. But will he? Will he also manage to defeat the Kraken with Medusa's head, despite his inability to untie what appears to be a pretty simple knot? Will he and Andromeda be married? or will it degenerate into a West Side Story-style knife fight? Also, when will Bubo get a spin-off movie of his own?

You'll have to tune in to find out! (Except for the last one; sadly, that's never going to happen.)

Jake loves this movie for the same reasons he did when he first saw it as a child: Fun story, silly acting, and amazing Ray Harryhausen stop-motion visuals. Really, when you have those things, what more do you need? Love. You need love. And water. Probably food, too.

Derek also loves this, but now views it with the jaundiced eye of a man who has seen some godawful movies, and recognizes this for what it is. And what it is, is a fun movie with vague connections to Greek mythology and some bitchen visual effects courtesy of the greatest stop-motion director of all time.

So gather up your sword and helmet, put on some kicky sandals, wind your owl, and check out this week's episode!

Thunderbirds Are GO! (1966)

To listen/download, click here!

Some ideas look good on paper, and when made a reality, blow your mind with how amazing they are. Space travel, sliced bread and hot dogs with a tunnel full of chili already in them come to mind.

But then you get an idea that, while it seems like it would be a home run when you're looking at it on the page, turns out to be like a dog's fart. It's unwelcome, and surprisingly pungent. That's where this week's movie falls.

This week, Derek and Jake sat down to watch a movie based on Gerry Anderson's popular television show, Thunderbirds, creatively titled Thunderbirds Are GO!

Almost all of you reading this are familiar with Anderson's work, even if you are not familiar with his name. You see, he developed a form of puppetry he called Supermarionation, which involves marionettes with lifelike articulated mouths, and gigantic, highly-detailed sets for them to sit around and talk. That's it, really, except for the ridiculously long glory shots of space ships being put together.

Anyway...The movie.

The year is 2065! The Future! And the Zero-X rocket is preparing for launch! Its journey will take six weeks, and its destination is Mars! Among the crew are Space Captain Greg Martin (Alexander Davion), Space Navigator Brad Newman (Bob Monkhouse), and a few other unnamed crewmen. After what feels like a good hour of lovingly-shot passes of the ship being assembled, they take off. Unfortunately, there's a stowaway (Ray Barrett) in the bowels of the ship, on a mission to make sure the Zero-X does not make it out of the atmosphere.

The FUTURE!

The villain's plan doesn't go quite as he had planned, and his foot gets caught in a piston, causing the ship's flaps not to work properly, making it unable to get any lift. Satisfied that it was good enough, he escapes through a hatch in the bottom of the ship and parachutes to safety.

Up in the cockpit, Space Captain Martin sends everybody to the escape pod because the ship is going down soon less than ten minutes after taking off. Moments before the Zero-X crashes into the ocean in a huge fireball, the escape pod is jettisoned and the crew is safe.

Jumping ahead two years, the Space Exploration Center is ready to go again, but Space Captain Martin has a problem with the security, in that it appears there is nothing more being done than last time. He tells the President of the Center (Jeremy Wilkin) that he doesn't feel safe going, so the President offers to have the Thunderbirds (whom, as we have already established, are "GO") monitor action around the compound and make sure nothing sketchy is going on. This appears to calm the Captain's nerves, and the mission is on.

Our...heroes?

The Thunderbirds' commander, Jeff Tracy (Peter Dyneley), assigns one of his sons, Scott (Shane Rimmer), to cover Glenn Field, the site of the launch. He assigns his other two, Virgil (also Jeremy Wilkin) and Alan (Matt Zimmerman), to escort the new Zero-X until it leaves the atmosphere. With the plan set, all that's left to do is party.

Meanwhile, Lady Penelope (Sylvia Anderson), infiltrates the pre-launch press conference to get a tracking device, which is hidden in a St. Christopher's medal, onto Space Captain Martin's person. Because she's a sexy puppet, it works, and then she makes her way down to her car, where her driver, Parker (Davide Graham), awaits her orders and contemplates what the world would be like if he had a chin.

WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME?!

The next day, Lady Penelope's efforts to track Space Captain Martin are unsuccessful, and while Scott is checking on the crew before liftoff, he discovers that Space Captain Martin has been replaced by the same guy who blew up the last ship! The Hood (as he is referred to in the credits) pulls a gun on the group and runs away, but Lady Penelope spots him and she and Parker give chase, following him to a dock with a speedboat waiting. The Hood gets in the boat and is off, but he was not aware that Lady Penelope's car transforms into a boat, and they continue their pursuit. They follow him to an island, where a helicopter awaits the Hood, who immediately gets in and takes off. Parker, ready for some bloodshed but bound by some obscure rule that requires the other party to shoot first, has his gun (Rocket launcher? Machine gun?) sighted on the getaway vehicle. Once the Hood opens fire, the afternoon sky is lit up with explosions as the helicopter falls into the most flammable part of the ocean, it would seem.

Back at Glenn Field, the Zero-X takes off without any problems after Space Captain Martin is found, so Penelope invites Scott and Virgil to a club called "The Swinging Star" to party and see Cliff Richard and the Shadows. Jeff, however, is left behind to keep an eye on things, and promptly falls asleep and has a weird dream (which Jake interpreted as Jeff being worried the man in the moon wants to rape him) and wakes up the next day, having fallen out of bed.

No words. His expression says it all.

The six-week flight of Zero-X passes uneventfully, and the next thing you know, its crew is on the surface of Mars, where they hop into their rover and start blowing shit up. (These are Americans, after all.) This angers the natives--snake-like rock creatures that fire explosive balls out of their mouths. The crew takes the hint and, after a brief spin around the surface, decide it's time to get out of Dodge.

Upon re-entering Earth's atmosphere, the Zero-X crew attempts to reattach the remote-controlled wings they need to take off and land the ship. They get the first set on, but lose control of the second set, causing them to fall into the ocean and explode. The Thunderbirds are dispatched to see what help they can offer, and Space Captain Martin sends the rest of the crew to the escape pod again. However, the pod won't launch, so he contacts the Thunderbirds and tells them he will stay with the ship until things are functioning again.

I hate you so much, Craig.

The Thunderbirds hatch a plan that involves dangling Alan from a cable so he can fix the wiring of the escape pod, but when he drops his one and only screwdriver, it seems like all hope is lost, and Space Captain Martin and his crew will die a fiery death in the town square of Craigsville (North America's strategically-located source of guys named Craig for the entire United States). Or will they? Will Alan figure a way to work without the one screwdriver he thought to bring with him? If not, where will America get its Craigs? Do we get to see any of these puppets walk? And what was up with Jeff's tuxedo?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek was not impressed. Despite being a fan of the show, he feels that it did not translate to the big screen at all. But if you dig almost obscenely long panning shots of insanely detailed model buildings and ships, this could very well be the movie for you. So do what you will.

Jake straight-up hated this movie. It was long, ponderous, and had almost no conflict, once they killed the helicopter guy. He also thinks that this is the sort of film that happens when you let the model makers write the script. It was...not good. Not at all.

So put on your 1960s stewardess outfit or sparkly tuxedo, do not ask too many questions, and check out this week's episode!