The 200th Episode!

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Believe it or not, we've been doing this podcast for four years! And so, to celebrate our 200th episode, Larry wanted to do something a little special that we had not done in quite a while: play Cards Against Humanity and listen to music. So we did.

There was one little catch, however. Larry wanted us to pick four songs for a soundtrack to a movie that each of us made up. And we had to describe the scenes that the songs played through, over or after. So we all set to work choosing songs and writing brief outlines of these non-existent movies. Then we got together, talked about those, played CAH, and listened to the songs.

Those songs, by the way, are as follows:

Larry: "Blood and Tears" by Danzig, "LIAR!!" by Rollins Band, "Here Comes Revenge" by Metallica and "The End" by The Doors.

Jake: "Where the Devil Don't Stay" by Drive-By Truckers, "Influence of a Drowsy God" by Stone Sour, "Angels" by Corrosion of Conformity and "The Sun Rose Again" by Alice in Chains.

Derek: "One Step Beyond..." by Madness, "Sex & Drugs & Rock 'N' Roll" by Ian Drury and the Blockheads, "Der Kommissar" by After the Fire and "The Saints Are Coming" by The Skids.

That's it. That's all we did.

One last thing: We want to thank all of you who have listened to our goofy little podcast for the past four years, and we hope you stick with us for the next four, because we're going to be making some minor changes and bigger changes to hopefully make the show even more fun! So stay tuned...

In the meantime, shuffle those Cards, turn up the volume, and listen to us laugh way too hard on this week's episode!

Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

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Hey, kids! Do you like Scooby-Doo and Friends, but wish it had less Scooby-Doo? Then follow us to the past...

It was a dark time for people with good taste in music and clothes. It was...the 1970s.

Specifically, it was 1978, and fresh from an appearance in a Howard the Duck comic book the year before, four guys in bad clown makeup and s&m gear leapt onto the nation's television screen to scare the hell out of everyone's children with a little ditty known as Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. The lead singer/rhythm guitarist of the group, Paul Stanley, said it was intended to be a mix of Star Wars and A Hard Day's Night.

It was not.

What it was, was a poorly written, badly acted mess of a movie starring Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. Not to mention Anthony Zerbe, Carmine Caridi, Deborah Ryan, Terry Lester and Blade Runner's Brion James as a security guard with a perpetually confused look on his face.

Perfectly normal guys.

Kiss is booked to play three nights at an amusement park, because that's exactly the sort of thing platinum-selling rock bands did back then, and the park's designer, Devereaux (Zerbe), is angry about it because someone had the nerve to put up a cardboard standee of the band where he wanted to put a couple of his animatronic robots. He's also angry because he is not given all the money he wants to build even more creepy robots. His boss, Calvin Richards (Caridi) does not give a wet fart about Devereaux's funding, and tells him as much, arguing he should be paying attention to making sure the rides work properly and being harassed by low-budget motorcycle gangs.

Meanwhile, Sam (Lester), who works at the park, and his girlfriend Melissa (Ryan) are watching a parade in the park while he tells her that he thinks something is going on at the park, but he has no idea what. And then he goes to work. That's it. That's the whole setup and the whole scene. Then Sam goes snooping and gets sucked into a glowing vortex that Devereaux keeps in his office.

Uh...Okay.

As the roadies are setting up for the Kiss show, Devereaux and Richards are still arguing about it, so Richards fires Devereaux, who dodders off slowly back to his office, where he does not close up and leave. Instead, he gets to work building a robot that looks like the Demon (Simmons).

After the concert, the band makes smoochie faces at the crowd while photographers take pictures of them. Melissa spots Sam among the photographers and tries to get his attention, but he ignores her and wanders away. The band, suddenly concerned, offers to help Melissa find out what's wrong with Sam. This involves taking her back to their...lair...? Whatever it is, they take her there and show her the magical amulets that give the four of them their "powers," such as they are. While this happens, the Demon robot crashes through a wall, scaring a couple security guards and destroying a concession stand before wandering off back to Devereaux's lab.

Evil is stupid. And poorly animated.

The next day, security wants a word with Kiss, who are hanging out by the pool, as rock stars do, in full makeup, full costumes and heavy cloaks. Oh, and they're sitting in giant lifeguard chairs. They swear the Demon wasn't out and about the night before, and Melissa arrives and corroborates their story. The security guys go away, and Melissa tells the guys that she still hasn't heard from Sam. They tell her not to worry; they are going to look around the park that night after it closes.

This is a thing that actually happens. Really.

After jumping the twelve-foot fence that night, the band makes their way around a roller coaster, only to be attacked by albino weremonkey robots. After handily dispatching them, they rest for a moment before heading to the House of Terror, or whatever it's called. Once there, they are attacked by the robots inside and a fight ensues. At the same time, Sam, who has now been converted to a robot(?) by Devereaux, is searching the band's room for the amulets. He finds them and takes them back to Devereaux, who shoots them with a poorly-animated laser gun, which drains then band's power, allowing the robots to capture them and take them hostage.

With the third show coming up, the band insists Devereaux will never get away with this, but he assures them he will because he built robots that look like all four of them, taught them to play the songs (with minor lyrical changes), and intends to incite a riot. The band, powerless, sits behind bars (literally...the bars are only in front of them; there are none at all behind them, but they won't turn around and acknowledge it) while the robots take the stage.

Behind them: stairs. Not behind them: bars.

But will they be able to get their amulets back and save the day? Will they find Sam and turn him back into the bland guy Melissa knows and, presumably, tolerates? Will Devereaux be stopped? Will someone wax Starchild's (Stanley) chest? Will Space Ace (Frehley) say anything substantial, instead of just making chicken noises? Also, what powers, exactly, does Catman (Criss) have?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry was not happy about this movie. He could not understand how it is that these bozos are supposed to be superheroes, let alone how they managed to pass themselves off as actors to make this thing. Nor did he care for anybody else in the movie, and he was right to hate it.

Derek knew what to expect because he watched it back in 1978 when it aired, but he is still angry about it. It's awful. The movie sucks. The music sucks. The fact that these clowns manage to still be famous doesn't just suck; it is the only real mystery involving them that anybody should be looking into.

So put on some stupid make-up, slap on some platform go-go boots, and check out this week's episode!

The Prophecy

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(A NOTE FROM DEREK: Hi, everybody. I've decided to shorten these descriptions because, really, the whole point is to listen to the show itself, isn't it? At any rate, I'm going to do it like this for a while and see if it works for me. -- Derek)

Thomas Dagget (Elias Koteas) is an LAPD detective who wanted to be a Catholic priest, but he left the church when he had visions of what Heaven really is, and it's not like he imagined at all.

An angel, sure. But still looks like he probably sell heroin.

An angel named Simon (Eric Stoltz) has come to Earth to find the soul of the most evil man humanity had ever known, and hide it from Gabriel (Christopher Walken), who wants it to start a war in Heaven that will turn it into another Hell, but worse. Simon gets to it first and puts it inside a young girl, Mary (Monah "Shining Dove" Snyder). Mary's teacher, Katherine (Virginia Madsen), discovers Simon hiding in the school she teaches at, and threatens to call the police on him.

Gimme your lunch money, punk!

Meanwhile, Dagget is called to handle a case of a dead body that was found. It is the body of another angel, Usiel (Jeff Cadiente), and the case leads Dagget to the small town of Chimney Rock, where Mary and Katherine live. Gabriel, along with his not-quite-dead assistant, Jerry (Adam Goldberg), also make their way to Chimney Rock to confront Simon and get the soul. When Simon tells Gabriel he doesn't have it, Gabriel kills him and goes looking for it, leading to a confrontation with both Dagget and Katherine that leaves Dagget injured and Gabriel angry because Dagget killed Jerry.

I said recess is over.

Mary, now occasionally offering bits of tactical information, as well as stories of killing the Chinese during the Korean war, is taken to the nearby Indian reservation, where her grandmother (Emma Shenah) is having her treated by a healer. At the same time, Gabriel has found himself a replacement for Jerry in the form of Rachael (Amanda Plummer), a woman he snatches from the hands of Death at the last possible second, and she is not happy about it at all. They make their way back to Chimney Rock and prepare to confront Dagget and Katherine, and take the soul from Mary.

Yes, I am happy to see you...

As Katherine and Dagget prepare for the confrontation they know is coming, they are each visited by Lucifer (Viggo Mortensen), who wants them to win because he sees what Gabriel is doing and considers it an invasion of his turf, which he is not going to put up with. But will his support for them be enough? Or will Gabriel tear Mary to pieces, as he promised? And how could we forget about the box of faces? And why did Jerry have to die so soon?

And how do you like your angel cooked?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek really likes this flick, and a big part of that is Christopher Walken's performance. The creepiness of Eric Stoltz, however, should not be overlooked. The dude comes across as a disturbed pedophile, even though it is made clear he is an angel. It's...upsetting, to say the least.

Jake wants everyone to know that he has loved this movie since it first came out. Walken and Stoltz are great, Elias Koteas and Virginia Madsen are solid, Adam Goldberg is the same guy he is in most things he appears in (and that's not necessarily a bad thing), and Viggo Mortensen is straight-up terrifying.

So...uh...do...Bible-y stuff, we guess, remove all the punctuation from this, and check out this week's episode!

Haunted Honeymoon (1986)

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The late thirties/early forties were an odd time for entertainment. While television was still a decade or so away, most people sat around their radios, listening to drama and comedy shows. And what does this have to do with this week's episode?

EVERYTHING.

Jake couldn't make it for this episode, so it was just Derek and Larry sitting down to watch the Gene Wilder-directed comedic thriller, Haunted Honeymoon.

Gene Wilder is Larry Abbot, star of a popular radio program, along with his fiancee, Vickie Pearle (Gilda Radner). The two of them are finishing one more episode of the show before heading to Larry's childhood home, a giant mansion owned by his Aunt Kate (Dom DeLuise), to be married.

Passion explodes across the screen!

But Larry has some...problems. He is obsessed with making sure his tie is straight, and he gets super-nervous when he sees and hears lightning and thunder. So much so, in fact, that even the sound effects of the show cause him to get a little loopy while on the air. But just as the producer (Don Fellows) is about to remove him, Dr. Paul Abbot (Paul L. Smith) arrives and tells them he can cure Larry by scaring him "to death" in just thirty-six hours. The producer agrees, and lets Larry finish the show.

Arriving later at the mansion, Larry and Vickie are greeted by the butler, Pfister (Bryan Pringle), who does not recognize Larry, and is convinced Vickie is hard-of-hearing, causing him to yell everything directly into her ear. Pfister takes them to their rooms, and they unpack. While putting his clothes away, Larry discovers a cobra in his dresser and is found by Vickie and Larry's Uncle Francis, sitting atop a moose head mounted on the wall. Francis investigates the dresser and finds a stuffed snake.

Bryan Pringle's eyebrows should have got their own credit.

Before this, Francis is meeting with Kate to discuss her will, as she believes she will be dead soon, possibly by the werewolf she believes is lurking around on the property. She informs Francis that because Larry has always been her favorite, he will get all of her money and property when she dies. If he dies before Kate does, her money will be divided evenly among the family.

More relatives begin arriving for the wedding. Montego (Jim Carter), as magician, is accompanied by his wife Susan (Jo Ross). Montego has a gambling problem, and he leads a pretty lavish lifestyle, so he has a motive to kill Larry. Also joining the party are Larry's cousin, Charles (Jonathan Price) and Charles's wife, Sylvia (Eve Ferret), who has an intense fondness for Larry, which gives Charles a motive to kill Larry. Of course, all of these people are a part of Dr. Abbot's plan--with the exception of Vickie, who is not recruited because there is a concern that she might give it away to Larry.

The gang's all here...FOR MURDER! (Not really.)

During dinner that evening, Kate tells everyone about the werewolf, and announces that she believes it may be one of the people there. She also mentions another cousin, Francis, Jr. (Roger Ashton-Griffiths), and suggests he may be up to something himself, as one of Kate's dressed are missing, and Francis, Jr. has something of a history.

Having suitably freaked everybody out, particularly Larry, Kate announces how much more she likes Vickie than the others' wives, and then , after dessert and a quick musical number, everybody retires for the evening. Larry walks Vickie to her room, trying the whole time to casually suggest she come visit him in the evening, should she get lonely. He then heads to his own room, only to be intercepted by a still-lustful Sylvia, who is herself interrupted by Vickie, who knew Sylvia was going to pull something like that. Sylvia goes back to her room with Charles, and Larry goes to his own room.

Once changed into his pajamas, Larry crawls into bed without noticing the body of his dead cousin, Francis, Jr., in the bed next to him. When he does notice, he believes it to be Vickie, and this leads to a scene that may or may not have ended up with inadvertent necrophilia, Larry almost being killed, and then putting his fingers in a "monster's" nose and mouth. It's super gross.

The actions of a completely sane man.

As the evening continues, things begin to get more dangerous, and Larry starts to notice more and more that there might be something suspicious going on that could possibly mean he is not a werewolf. But really, there's too much more to go into that could give away the ending, which is not something we're willing to do here. We will however, ask you this: What's the deal with cousin Francis? Is he dead or not? Who actually is the werewolf? Will Larry survive to be married the next day? And why is he freaking out about such odd things?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek has two surprising revelations, one of which could mean that the entire premise of the movie was either an afterthought, or a gigantic middle finger to the studio or the genre(s) this movie is meant to be poking fun at. It's pretty funny to him either way.

Larry is in love with this film, which has been in his regular viewing rotation for years. He, too, makes a stunning revelation while they are recording, discovering something about the story itself that he had not been able to figure out before, and it raises his opinion of the film even higher.

So light up an astoundingly bright candle, gather round the gigantic old-timey radio, and check out this week's episode!