Night of the Comet

To download, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."

Well! They guys had a special guest this week: Jake's brother Roy Streeter! And he got to pick this week's movie, a movie so stuffed-to-bursting with 80s kitsch: 1984's Night of the Comet!

This photo literally sums up the entire movie. Everything.

Katherine Mary Stewart is Reg, a 30-year-old teenager who works at a movie theater and has sex in the projection booth with an incredibly unlikeable turd named Larry. (Michael Bowen)

As the movie begins, a mysterious comet (SPOILERS: It's the one that this is, in fact, the night of) is passing by the Earth, and people everywhere are celebrating because there weren't as many cable channels in 1984 as there are now, and people had to find shit to do.

Given a choice of this as entertainment, we'll take death, please.

Reg, having just had more sex with festing ingrown toe of a person Larry, wakes up to find,,,nobody! Except, of course, Larry. Fortunately, one of the zombies from Land of the Dead shows up and takes care of that little problem quite neatly.

Heading home to find out where everybody might be, Reg doesn't see anyone, instead finding piles of clothes filled with some kind of red sand. At least until she gets inside her house, where she finds her "younger" sister, Samantha (Kelli Maroney), completely oblivious to the fact that they appear to be the only people left alive. Once Reg convinces her that something sketchy is going on, they decide to head to the local radio station, which appears to still be broadcasting, despite what has happened.

There, they meet Eric Estrada simulacrum Hector (Star Trek: Voyager's Robert "Chakotay" Beltran), who is also trying to find out what happened while also trying to hypnotize Reg into getting all naked on him by making sure his excessively tight pants are properly highlighted to show off his crotch.

I have to wear these sunglasses to avoid the glare of light from my package...

While Hector is trying to convince Reg that they should go looking for other survivors, Samantha splits her time at the radio station between broadcasting her new rules for society and having zombie rape dreams. She's an odd kid, but we suppose that's the sort of thing that happens when you're a high school junior in your mid-thirties and the rest of the population has disappeared.

A group of scientists happen to hear Samantha's broadcast, and plans are made to collect her and her companions, bring them back to the scientists' hidden fortress, and drain them of blood to create a serum that will cure everybody. (Or, at least, everybody at the hidden fortress, being as they kinda screwed up and left the air vents open while the comet was passing by, allowing whatever it was that turned everyone else into dust to get into the ventilation system.)

WHO YOU GONNA CALL? Not these guys. They're kinda stupid.

Hector tries to find help, while Reg and Samantha head to the mall! Because, as middle-aged teens in the mid-eighties, th' hell else are they gonna do? Unfortunately, a group of former stockboys have taken control of the mall, and are now dressed like the band Depeche Mode and armed like the cast of The Matrix. Only the scientists' crack squad of guys-who-know-how-to-work-guns-better-than-your-average-stockboys are able to save Reg and Samantha from certain doom at the hands of the members of Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark! (If you don't know who OMD are, learn yourself some 80's trivia. And look up the songs "Enola Gay" and "If You Leave". You're welcome.)

Anyway, the scientists determine that while Reg is safe, Samantha is infected with whatever it is that is turning people into red dust, so they leave her there. But the female scientist, White (Mary Waronov), appears to know Hector, and there seems to be something sketchy going on there, although details are not completely clear. She gives Samantha an injection that will allow her to die peacefully. OR DOES SHE?!

No. No she doesn't. Instead, she kills one of the other scientists, then herself, allowing Hector to scoop up Samantha and go rescue Reg, who is being interrogated by Clint Eastwood's brother from Every Which Way But Loose, Geoffrey Lewis. There are also two small children there.

Hector's plan involves convincing a guard to have sex with supposed teenager Samantha while she in unconscious, then closing his head in a car trunk before he can get any action. Surprisingly, it works. Who would've guessed?

It also involves Hector dressing up as a cowboy, for some reason.

Do they all escape? Does anyone figure out what happened to the rest of the world? Who are the kids? Why are there so many shots of Hector that involve his junk being lovingly lit?! Tune it to find out! Or not! Who really cares at this point?

Derek hated everything about this movie. Everything. He's also upset about Hector's pants. He has nothing more to add and wishes to move on to next week's movie.

Larry enjoyed watching Samantha and Reg dancing during the "shopping" montage, largely because they jumped up and down a lot. The rest of the movie was soon forgotten.

Jake was impressed by the fact that the movie made so much money, despite the tiny budget. Especially since, to his eye, there was almost nothing redeeming about this film at all.

Roy also hated the movie, despite (or perhaps because) the fact that he chose it. He liked the car that Hector drove. So there's that, right? RIGHT?

There's also a new theory about who Snoke is in The Lobby, a terrible choice Coming Soon, a lot of lists in Larry's List, Jake-ing Off all over last year's video games, and a bunch of retro games Inside My Head!
So, like, totally get your guns and skinny tie, and give this week's episode a listen!