Twenty Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted the Last Two Weeks

Hi, guys!

Sorry I didn't get a list last week, but you know how it is; holidays, work, rains of frogs...The usual.

How I Spent My Holidays by Derek Springer

But I'm back, baby! And to make up for not posting a list last week, I'm doubling the list this week. So, technically, you could say that I did do the list, but it was just really late.

But, as usual, before we go into that, there's other stuff to talk about.

First off, boxing great Muhammad Ali passed away this past week. He was the guy who brought boxing into popularity because he showed that not only was it a sport and an art, but it could be an amazing spectacle. With the help of Howard Cosell, he became the name everybody knew  when boxing came up in conversation, going on to inspire so many others that followed in his footsteps. But none of them will ever be able to fill his shoes.

Some can take a punch almost as well as he did, though...

On the ridiculous front, racist money-stealing assclown Donald Trump is having trouble walking, what with his foot being crammed so far into his mouth that he is able to taste his own hip. He is being sued in three or four lawsuits for his ridiculous Trump University because the people he duped into giving him a bunch of money don't feel that they got value for dollar. (Registered voters, take note.)

In defense of himself and his "university", Trump feels that the Indiana-born  Mexican-American judge who is hearing the cases should recuse himself because "he's Mexican and I'm building a wall." And, when pressed further on the issue, Trump added that if the judge were a Muslim, he shouldn't be allowed to hear the case, either.

My dad told me this afternoon, after watching a news story about this whole thing, that he's wondering whether Trump actually even wants to be president. I have to admit, that's a reasonable question, as it seems like every time Trump's poll numbers show even a little rise, he opens his mouth and says something mind-bendingly stupid.

Er, I just meant I wanted to see if I could win it! I didn't actually want
to do the job...

Okay. Enough of this. Let's look at the tweets, 'cause there's a lot of them. And, should you find yourself amused, why not head over to Twitter and find a bunch yourself? I'd read your list, since you've been kind enough to look at mine. (Even if it was just to see the Simpsons gifs.)

I still have my dignity ... despite the fact my Amazon wish list includes liquid bologna

- For science

— Wildo (@ClickBaite) February 15, 2016

Whoever decided “moist” was the word we hate the most clearly failed to give due consideration to “supple.”

— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) May 23, 2016

smash mouth will be eligible for the rock & roll hall of fame in 2022 and if they get snubbed imma burn that place to the fucking ground

— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) May 26, 2016

What I look for in a car wash is what I require from my mate: don't make me feel judged for my grossness

— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) May 26, 2016

So embarrassing when the sheriff says "Enjoy sucking dick in prison, boy" and you say "You too"

— Reticent Turnip (@ReticentTurnip) September 29, 2015

Splenda if it’s a girl, Stevia if it’s a boy.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) May 26, 2016

Think of all the secrets contained within Neil Diamond's chest hair. Secrets and hope.

— Gretchen von Tongeln (@Metalligretch) May 27, 2016

I wonder if I'm the only one at this little league game thinking a lot more of these moms should have swallowed.

— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) May 26, 2016

I tell women I wear a magnum condom but the truth is I can't even get it past my shoulders.

— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) May 26, 2016

I got my bedroom voice from the Love Shack guy

— David Gborie (@thegissilent) May 29, 2016

Blowing a kiss is a sweet gesture, but I'm working on the 'blowing a rockin fingerbang' technology.

— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 30, 2016

2050. College costs $2 mil. a semester, but all faculty are unpaid volunteers. President Kodee West-Trump snapchats the end of Water War II.

— Jackson Crawford (@Norsebysw) May 22, 2016

Brush your teeth, son. Your mouth is like a beautiful graveyard that comes to life to murder the food that's trespas..stop crying, you idiot

— Just Jason (@longwall26) June 2, 2016

The real shame is that my Trump University reunion was coming up and now it's just going to be depressing. :(

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) June 4, 2016

Arnold Schwarzenegger only spoke 74 words in The Terminator. His vocabulary has tripled since then.

— Bobb Sixx (@Bobb_Sixx) June 4, 2016

I like my women like I like my fries. Fat or skinny or short or salty or greasy or covered in ketchup. This one got away from me.

— Creed (@novicefather) June 4, 2016

No matter what I was SUPPOSED to be on Halloween, as a kid I always ended up looking like someone whose scene was cut from The Warriors.

— ErinEph (@ErinEph) June 3, 2016

he's not literally wearing a fedora, but I feel he's wearing one, you know, spiritually.

— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) June 3, 2016

Not to brag, but I named my tapeworm "Nancy Grace" because of the uncanny resemblance.

— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 25, 2016

I woke up this morning 9 years sober...
In case anyone needs to buy a liver or some clean pee or anything 😜

— WhatserName (@IamEveryDayPpl) June 3, 2016

And there you have it! Am I forgetting anything?

Formatting...Please wait...

Oh, right. A video. I'll be honest: I didn't really plan for one this week, so I'm going to type a word into the YouTube search bar and see what it brings me. Let's see...how about "plunger"? Yeah. Let's try that...

Yeah, that'll work. Now have a great week!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco