August 1, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Well, it's been another week, and what a rollercoaster over at Survivor: The White House! But before we get to that, I just wanted to tell you that this week's GIFs are all about Spider-man (including a few friends).
That's right...SPIDER-DOG!
Anyway, as I said, it's been a heck of a week at Mar-a-lago North. It started with Angry Orange giving a speech as the honorary president of the Boy Scouts of America. And, like any president would, he told stories. Admittedly, they were stories about wild parties, but stories nonetheless. He also took time to brag about his "win", got these kids to boo former President Obama, and generally made an ass of himself, as he is wont to do when speaking in public.


Things got weirder (and a little bit sadder) when Senator John McCain, while being treated for a blood clot, discovered that he is also suffering from brain cancer. And while I have a lot of respect for Senator McCain--the guy is one of the few Republicans who actually had enough balls to go into the army during the Vietnam war, he was captured and tortured, and still made it back to the U.S. to become the senator for Arizona--I also disagree with a lot he says. However, I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy, so I want to send my best to him.


That said, during his government healthcare-insured trip to be treated, he made a special effort to come back to Washington so he could vote on taking away government healthcare from the rest of us with yet another attempt to repeal and replace Obamacare. But not before he gave a long, badgering speech to the rest of the Senate, telling them to quit being so mean to each other and start working together. Then he voted in favor of the Republican-written bill. Fortunately, several Republicans decided that, no, it was not a good bill.

He obviously didn't understand the irony of this whole venture...Or did he?
Back at the White House, Angry Orange was ready for a shake-up, because it seems he still thinks he's on a television show where somebody has to leave every week. As reported last week, it was flora-as-camouflage enthusiast and Melissa McCarthy impersonator Sean Spicer.

See, it turns out that Angry Orange hired a new communications director, a walking example of every terrible Italian stereotype out there named Anthony "The Mooch" Scaramucci.


Spicy wasn't happy about this new hire, and he also decided that he'd had enough of being told he sucks, so he gave his resignation, so he can spend more time lying to his family.

Mooch, on the other hand, was thrilled that he was going to get a chance to be in the presence of power! He went on television to let everybody (Reince Priebus) know that he was going to stop all the leaks coming out of the White House, regardless of where they come from. (Reince Priebus.)

When word got out to New Yorker writer Ryan Lizza that Mooch had dinner with Angry Orange, Melania, and some friends from Fox, Mooch was not happy, so he contacted Lizza and, forgetting to mention that the conversation was "off-the-record", proceeded to go off on almost everybody (Reince Priebus), including Steve Bannon, about whom he said, "I'm not Steve Bannon, I'm not trying to suck my own cock." He also said he would fire everybody (Reince Priebus) if Lizza didn't tell him who leaked the information to him.

Then he offered up a leak of his own, which, uh, sort of means he had to fire himself, right?
“They’ll all be fired by me,” he said. “I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you. Reince Priebus—if you want to leak something—he’ll be asked to resign very shortly.” The issue, he said, was that he believed Priebus had been worried about the dinner because he hadn’t been invited. “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” Scaramucci said. He channelled Priebus as he spoke: “ ‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’ ” (Priebus did not respond to a request for comment.)
Lizza, amused and probably a little concerned for his life after talking to this foul-mouthed guido, dutifully reported on the entire conversation. It's a fascinating read. I highly recommend it.

Naturally, Twitter handled these revelations responsibly.


Also, in a stunning surprise, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus was fired. Nobody could have seen that coming.

Twitter and the press react to Lizza's article.
Somewhere in there, Angry Orange, who said during the campaign that he would fight for LGBTQ rights harder than anybody ever had, announced--on Twitter, of course--that transgender citizens will no longer be allowed to serve in the armed services.


Unfortunately, just yelling on the internet with poor grammar doesn't actually make things happen, despite what he seems to think. The Pentagon informed the various branches that, no, that's not a thing that is happening, and everybody should just proceed as normal, because when you are stuck in a firefight against an adversary that wants you to just go ahead and die, if that's okay, the last thing you will be worrying about is whether the person next to you might not identify as the gender they were born to.

SHOWN: The inside of Angry Orange's head.
Oh, and remember way back near the top of the page when I mentioned the whole healthcare thing? Well, another vote was held. But this one was written over lunch. No joke. And, again, not one single Democrat was asked to take part. Everybody was on the edge of their seats. VP Mike Pence came in, in case he had to cast a tie-breaking vote, which looked to be the case because Republican Senators McCaskill and Collins were not interested in this bill, either. And then, with a flourish, Senator McCain wandered into the chamber, gave the bill a thumbs-down, and sent Mitch McConnell's neck vagina quivvering with rage at having failed yet again.

Much was made about McCain's vote, despite him voting in favor of the previous bill. McCaskill and Collins were pushed to the side, despite both of their votes being equally as important as McCain's, at the very least. Not to mention that they were threatened with violence (including a duel!) and cuts to funding for their states. Oh, and nobody cared that all of the Democratic senators voted against it, because that's a no-brainer.


So McCain, who appeared to be in good spirits, despite his medical condition, went out of his way to make sure he was the center of attention for the whole thing.

Get outta here, old man!
Bonus News: It was announced this Monday that Mooch did, in fact, get fired after only ten days (five of which were actual work days for him). The guy wasn't even "officially" employed yet. Oh, and his wife, who was nine months pregnant, filed for divorce, after she went into labor and her husband wasn't there. He did, however, call her from the White House and tell her he would pray for the child. Karma, as they say, is a bitch.


I miss the good old days, when everybody argued about what color some dress was.

It's blue and black!
No1 It's white and gold!
And then, finally, there were tweets. Somewhere between all the political commentary, people on Twitter made a few jokes, and I grabbed some of the ones I saw to share with you! In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to start it off, here's comedian Mario Cantone on The President Show!


Good job, everybody!

Ow...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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