Zombeavers

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A Note from Derek: Unfortunately, Jake has had to take a break from doing the show, due to real-life stuff he needs to handle. So, for the time being, it's going to be Larry and me doing the show, with the occasional guest (most likely Troy). So, please bear with us as we ramble incoherently and fail to remember the names of directors we like. And keep your fingers crossed that Jake can come back sometime soon! Thanks.

Very rarely, there comes a movie that changes the viewers' perceptions of the world and their place in it. It challenges the viewer to see his or her surroundings in a new and sometimes disturbing way that will forever change the way they interact with those they know and love.

This is not one of those movies.

This week, Derek and Larry watched Zombeavers, starring Cortney Palm (Zoe), Rachel Melvin (Mary), Lexi Atkins (Jenn), Hutch Dano (Sam), Jake Weary (Tommy), Peter Gilroy (Buck), and Rex Linn (Smyth).

Two idiot delivery men, Joseph (Bill Burr) and Luke (John Mayer--yes, that John Mayer), hit a deer, causing one of the barrels of toxic goop on their truck to fall off and contaminate a lake.

Hey...Are you okay?

That lake, it turns out, happens to be the destination of Mary, Zoe, and Jenn. The three of them are on a "girls-only" weekend at Mary's cousin's cabin to get Jenn's mind off of her boyfriend, Clint Howard doppelganger Sam, who was photographed making out with another woman.

After a quick stop at a gas station so Jenn can be leered at by the creepy director, the girls make it to the cabin and immediately start bitching about the lack of cell service and how there's only one bathroom. Friggin' millennials.

Once settled in, they decide to hit the lake and go swimming. While sunbathing on a platform in the middle of the lake, Jenn spots a beaver dam and decides she totally needs to investigate and maybe make friends with a beaver.

And they came dressed for the occasion.

While inspecting the dam, they notice that it is covered with some kind of green stuff, but before they can investigate further, they are confronted by a bear, which is itself confronted by Smyth, a creepy guy who wanders around in the forest, probably hoping for this exact scenario. Today appear to be his lucky day.

Say, I notice ya got some of them whatcha call..."boobies".

He warns them about wandering in the woods dressed in nothing but bikinis, then wanders off to go harass more woodland creatures.

The girls, having had enough fun for the day, decide to head back to the cabin and drink while they play Truth or Dare and Would You Rather, as young women tend to do when there are no menfolk around.

Their fun times are interrupted by a pounding on the walls. When Zoe goes out to see what's causing it, it turns out to be their boyfriends, including Sam the dirtbag. It was all a set-up by Zoe, that rebel! She planned the whole thing because she is a terrible friend and really only wants to have sex with Buck, for some reason. That happens, and it's gross, although Buck is willing to admit that he has no idea what she sees in him, either.

Jenn, in no mood to let Sam paw at her, knees him in the berries and goes off to take a shower, where she is confronted by some kind of demonic beaver critter in the bathtub. When they entire group goes to investigate, it lunges out from under the sink and scratches Jenn before Sam beats it silly with a baseball bat. They toss it in a bag and leave it on the porch.

The next morning, as the group is going out for a swim, they notice the bag is ripped open and assume it was some other critters that tore it open and took the dead beaver. No biggie. Time to swim!

Jenn refuses to get in the water, but the others go to the platform. Zoe, Buck, and Tommy keep swimming, but Mary and Sam stay on the platform, where they discuss the picture Jenn was sent. It turns out that Mary is the woman Sam was making out with, and they argue about whether to tell Jenn.

They are interrupted when Buck gets his foot chewed off. That sort of thing can be a real show stopper.

The most upsetting thing to Buck is that he now owns at least one useless shoe.

After sacrificing Zoe's dog (probably the most disturbing scene in the entire movie), the group gets back to shore and hides in the cabin, where Zoe and Tommy volunteer to take Buck to a hospital. They stick his severed foot in a bag of ice and head out, while Sam, Jenn, and Mary stay behind and barricade themselves inside.

Meanwhile, the elderly couple next door, Winston (Brent Briscoe) and Myrne (Phyllis Katz), are convinced all the screaming and noise coming from the cabin are just the girls "scissoring to Lady Gaga," and ignore it at their own risk. This turns out to be an extremely bad idea.

It does not go well for anybody, really. Even the beavers.

On the way to the hospital, Tommy, Zoe, and, to a lesser extent, Buck find that the road has been blocked by a dam. Fortunately, there's a truck on the other side, and Tommy gets an axe out of the bed. He tells Zoe to take Buck back to the cabin while he takes the truck to get help. Almost immediately, the beavers drop a tree on him, but Zoe manages to get herself and Buck out of there in time.

Once back at the cabin, they can't get inside because Sam, Jenn, and Mary have blocked the doors. Fortunately, Smyth shows up and takes Zoe and Buck to the neighbors' house. Inside, Smyth finds the bodies of the elderly couple, and then tells Zoe that Buck's foot is probably not going to be attached because it has been off for too long.

Right then, Buck turns into a mutant beaver sort of thing and literally eats Smyth's face. At the same time, Jenn, who was scratched earlier, also turns into a mutant beaver and tries to kill Mary. Mary gets away by locking Jenn in a bedroom, and she and Sam try to get out of the house, which is now being invaded by more beavers. Before they can escape, Sam also turns into a mutant beaver and tries to eat Mary.

Will Mary and Zoe get away to safety? Or will they themselves be turned into mutant beavers? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry thought this was a pretty good flick, despite the goofiness. He thought some of the gore was pretty good, but wanted to see more. Also, he thought the two delivery guys were pretty entertaining.

Derek was not nearly as impressed by the film, although he is willing to admit that there are a few good laughs. The beaver puppets look exactly like beaver puppets, and the tail Jenn grows looks absurd. He's also angry about the dog being sacrificed.

So put on your tiniest bikini, chew on some trees, and listen to this week's episode!