The Dark Crystal

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Holy cow, you guys! Can you believe we're three-quarters of the way through our month of Fantasy movies that has taken a month and a half already? And to add to that, the guys sat down to watch another Jim Henson movie that involved a lot of puppets!

This time, the guys sat down to watch and comment on 1982's The Dark Crystal, featuring performances from Jim Henson, Kathryn Mullen, Dave Goelz, Steve Whitmire, and, of course, the inimitable Frank Oz. It also features the voice talents of, among others, Stephen Garlick, Lisa Maxwell, Billie Whitelaw, Percy Edwards, Barry Dennen, and Jerry Nelson.

...as Edgar Winter.

A thousand years ago (you know; four years before Labyrinth, a powerful and magical crystal was cracked, which led to the creation of two different species: the peaceful and benevolent Mystics--wizards on this world--and birdlike creatures called Skeksis. The Skeksis retained the now broken crystal and use it to replenish their energy.

The Mystics' High Priest (Henson/voiced by Nelson) is dying of old age. Before he goes, he tells Jen (Henson/voiced by Garlick), a Gelfling the Mystics rescued after his family was killed, that he must travel to see Aughra, an astronomer, to retrieve a shard and repair the crystal before the Great Conjunction, when their planet's three suns all align, Or the Skeksis will rule forever.

Only the best people...

In the Skeksis' castle, their Emperor (Brian Muehl) is also dying, and the others prepare to fight over who will take his place. The Chamberlain (Oz/voiced by Dennen) challenges the General (Goelz/voiced by Michael Kilgarriff) for the right to rule, but the General defeats Chamberlain and exiles him from the Skeksis' castle.

The Skeksis have a vision and learn of Jen's quest, so they send out an army of crab-like monsters called Garthim to find him. But just as they are about to catch him, Chamberlain stops them, giving Jen a chance to escape.

I'm sexy and I know it...

After much wandering around and talking to himself, Jen finally finds Aughra (Oz/voiced by Whitelaw), and she takes him back to her house where she has a box of shards that he has to go through to find the right one. He does, and she starts to explain the Great Conjunction to him, but before he can ask any followup questions, the Garthim show up, destroy the house, and take Aughra prisoner.

The Mystics hear the call of the crystal, and they leave the village and head--very slowly--toward it. Meanwhile, Jen continues his journey, and he meets up with Kira, a female Gelfling that has the ability to talk to critters, including Fizzgig, a wad of fur and teeth that looks a lot like Derek's dad's old dog.

But slightly less yappy.

They join him in his travels, and Kira takes them to a village of Podlings, where they attempt to get a good night's sleep. This is, again, ruined when the Garthim show up, destroy the village (these things are not subtle), and kidnap all the Podlings to take back to the castle.

Moving on, Jen and Kira discover an old Gelfling village and find a prophecy painted on a wall that describes Jen's journey to repair the crystal. As they look at it, Chamberlain arrives and tries to convince them that they should come with him to the castle because the Skeksis want peace. The Gelflings are not buying what he is selling, and they ditch him, choosing instead to ride Landstriders (they look like walrus/bat hybrids, but they have super-long legs and run really fast) the rest of the way to the castle.

Where they hope to get Fizzgig neutered. It's for the best, really.

The Chamberlain finds them in the lower levels of the castle and offers peace again, but they continue to not take him up on it, so he does what anybody would: He drops a bunch of rocks on Jen and takes Kira to the General, who reinstates Chamberlain to his old job and sends Kira to the Scientist to get her essence so he can stay young.

Will Kira become the General's personal juice box? Will Jen dig his way out and fix the crystal? Or will he die slowly, only to be consumed by Fizzgig in the bowels of the castle? And what about Aughra? Will someone please get her a bra? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek has loved this film since he first saw it. That has not changed. Sure, he said some mean things during the recording, but it was all meant with love. He did not, however, reveal that he had a serious crush on Kira when he was a kid, because that would just be weird and embarrassing.

Larry also loves the movie. He says it is perfect. He also does a pretty disturbing imitation of Chamberlain's creepy moan/whine. It's really off-putting. But that's okay because, as with Derek, it is done with a deep love of the film.

So put on your pointed ears, Hop on your Landstrider, and tune in to this week's episode!