Catalina Caper

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For the second episode of Derek's Birthday Month Un-Riffed MST3K Movie Fest-O-Vention, he chose a film that even the MST3K writers had a hard time writing jokes for: Catalina Caper (aka Never Steal Anything Wet) starring Tommy Kirk, Del Moore, Peter Duryea, Robert Donner, Ulla Stromstedt, Jim Begg, Sue Casey, Lyle Waggoner, Michael Blodgett, Peter Mamakos, and dozens of other people you probably don't recognize, not to mention Little Richard, Carol Connors, and the Cascades! It's a musical romp of mystery, comedy, scuba diving, and art theft. Not to mention the biggest draw of all...

Pensive-looking ship stewards in bowties.

It's summer! And Don  Pringle (Kirk) is heading to Catalina with his buddy Charlie (Brian Cutler), a chick-magnet who wants Don to have himself the best time ever. And Charlie recruits another friend, water cop Bob (Blodgett), to help him get Don some action/

For his part, Don is into the idea of having fun, but he has no interest in the girls because on the boat to Catalina, Don meets the mysterious and enigmatic Katrina (aka "Creepy Girl," played by Stromstedt). She is dark and vaguely European, with a thick accent. Don is immediately smitten, despite Charlie throwing girl after girl at him.

So...You have those. I like that.

Everybody else on the boat, however, is busy listening to a doped-up Little Richard blandly lip sync a song called "Scuba Party". You would think a live performance from Little Richard in the mid-sixties would be pretty exciting, wouldn't you? But no...He looks like he's not even sure where he is for most of the song.

Look at that face. He has no idea where he is.

Over on Catalina, Lawrence (Begg) has been dispatched to the local museum to steal a valuable scroll as part of a plan to rip off an art collecting criminal named Lakopolous (Lee Deane), whom Derek and Larry refer to throughout the show as "Totopoulos." because they didn't pay close enough attention.

Lawrence's boss, Arthur Duval (Moore), and his wife, Anne (Casey), spend their time trying to not look like criminals while also avoiding their straight-as-an-arrow son, Tad (Duryea), who looks almost as old as his father.

After Lawrence delivers the scroll, Don and Charlie arrive, and Arthur takes the opportunity to dump Tad off on them, allowing the elder Duval and his wife to get on with arranging a meeting with Lakopolous.

Say, fellow teenager, do you happen to have a copy of the Wall Street Journal?

Arthur's plan involves having his wife make a replica of the scroll and, after showing Lakopolous the real scroll to convince him to pay up, switching it out for the fake scroll, and then putting the original back in the museum, leaving nobody the wiser. Tad, of course, is suspicious, but as a 45-year-old teenager, he cannot blow off the opportunity to look at young girls in bikinis and go scuba diving.

And that's exactly what they do, but dumb ol' Don is still hung up on Creepy Girl. And it gets even worse when she shows up on the beach in a modest bathing ensemble that, for some reason, everybody freaks out about.

But the guys seem to like it.

This causes some anger from the other girls on the beach. They all storm off to go stand on a boat and look sad, and most of the guys follow and try to make them dance by kicking them in the ass. Seriously. That happens.

Don, however, stays behind to talk to Creepy Girl, who goes into the water and almost immediately loses her top. Don, ever the gentleman, offers her his jacket so she can cover up, and her boyfriend Angelo (Waggoner) shows up to yell at her and Don. Creepy Girl wants no part of that, and she sends Angelo packing.

Lakopolous sends one of his goons, Borman (Mamakos), to meet with Arthur on the Duvals' boat. A scuffle ensues, and the scroll, which is stuffed into a protective tube, is thrown off their boat and into the water. Whoops. Fortunately, Bob is going by on his boat and interrupts the fight. When Tad finds out about it, he checks on his parents who offer to throw a diving party as a cover for getting the kids to find the lost scroll.

As all of this is going on, a detective by the name of Fingers O'Toole (Donner) is keeping an eye on Arthur, hoping to catch him doing something sketchy. Unfortunately for Fingers, he misses a lot because he spends a lot of his time falling into the ocean.

You're a moist sonofabitch, aren't you?

The kids get together for the party and start diving, trying to find the the scroll, as well as a bunch of other junk Arthur threw overboard, for prize money. Don and Charlie find the scroll, but they are harassed by Lakopolous's men, who try to steal it back. Charlie gets punched a lot, so at least it's fun to watch. But where is the scroll?

Will the scroll be returned to the museum? Will Don realize that Creepy Girl will never truly be his because she's like the wind, baby? Will Tad start collecting Social Security before his own father? Will we get to see the inevitable doctor visit for Charlie where he learns he has all the STDs? Will Fingers ever stop being soggy? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry was surprised to find that he actually enjoyed this movie. He also thinks that Creepy Girl is "beautiful." (His own words.) Also, he is a big fan of Robert Donner falling into water. It's a little weird, to be honest, but who are we to judge?

Derek just doesn't understand anybody's attraction to Creepy Girl. She is by no means CHUD-ugly, but he doesn't think she is all that great, and goes out of his way to point out that there are many more women on the beach that he finds more attractive. It's kind of rude on his part, really.

So put on your swimsuit, get your flippers, and tune in to this week's episode!