Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

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Hey, kids! Do you like Scooby-Doo and Friends, but wish it had less Scooby-Doo? Then follow us to the past...

It was a dark time for people with good taste in music and clothes. It was...the 1970s.

Specifically, it was 1978, and fresh from an appearance in a Howard the Duck comic book the year before, four guys in bad clown makeup and s&m gear leapt onto the nation's television screen to scare the hell out of everyone's children with a little ditty known as Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. The lead singer/rhythm guitarist of the group, Paul Stanley, said it was intended to be a mix of Star Wars and A Hard Day's Night.

It was not.

What it was, was a poorly written, badly acted mess of a movie starring Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. Not to mention Anthony Zerbe, Carmine Caridi, Deborah Ryan, Terry Lester and Blade Runner's Brion James as a security guard with a perpetually confused look on his face.

Perfectly normal guys.

Kiss is booked to play three nights at an amusement park, because that's exactly the sort of thing platinum-selling rock bands did back then, and the park's designer, Devereaux (Zerbe), is angry about it because someone had the nerve to put up a cardboard standee of the band where he wanted to put a couple of his animatronic robots. He's also angry because he is not given all the money he wants to build even more creepy robots. His boss, Calvin Richards (Caridi) does not give a wet fart about Devereaux's funding, and tells him as much, arguing he should be paying attention to making sure the rides work properly and being harassed by low-budget motorcycle gangs.

Meanwhile, Sam (Lester), who works at the park, and his girlfriend Melissa (Ryan) are watching a parade in the park while he tells her that he thinks something is going on at the park, but he has no idea what. And then he goes to work. That's it. That's the whole setup and the whole scene. Then Sam goes snooping and gets sucked into a glowing vortex that Devereaux keeps in his office.

Uh...Okay.

As the roadies are setting up for the Kiss show, Devereaux and Richards are still arguing about it, so Richards fires Devereaux, who dodders off slowly back to his office, where he does not close up and leave. Instead, he gets to work building a robot that looks like the Demon (Simmons).

After the concert, the band makes smoochie faces at the crowd while photographers take pictures of them. Melissa spots Sam among the photographers and tries to get his attention, but he ignores her and wanders away. The band, suddenly concerned, offers to help Melissa find out what's wrong with Sam. This involves taking her back to their...lair...? Whatever it is, they take her there and show her the magical amulets that give the four of them their "powers," such as they are. While this happens, the Demon robot crashes through a wall, scaring a couple security guards and destroying a concession stand before wandering off back to Devereaux's lab.

Evil is stupid. And poorly animated.

The next day, security wants a word with Kiss, who are hanging out by the pool, as rock stars do, in full makeup, full costumes and heavy cloaks. Oh, and they're sitting in giant lifeguard chairs. They swear the Demon wasn't out and about the night before, and Melissa arrives and corroborates their story. The security guys go away, and Melissa tells the guys that she still hasn't heard from Sam. They tell her not to worry; they are going to look around the park that night after it closes.

This is a thing that actually happens. Really.

After jumping the twelve-foot fence that night, the band makes their way around a roller coaster, only to be attacked by albino weremonkey robots. After handily dispatching them, they rest for a moment before heading to the House of Terror, or whatever it's called. Once there, they are attacked by the robots inside and a fight ensues. At the same time, Sam, who has now been converted to a robot(?) by Devereaux, is searching the band's room for the amulets. He finds them and takes them back to Devereaux, who shoots them with a poorly-animated laser gun, which drains then band's power, allowing the robots to capture them and take them hostage.

With the third show coming up, the band insists Devereaux will never get away with this, but he assures them he will because he built robots that look like all four of them, taught them to play the songs (with minor lyrical changes), and intends to incite a riot. The band, powerless, sits behind bars (literally...the bars are only in front of them; there are none at all behind them, but they won't turn around and acknowledge it) while the robots take the stage.

Behind them: stairs. Not behind them: bars.

But will they be able to get their amulets back and save the day? Will they find Sam and turn him back into the bland guy Melissa knows and, presumably, tolerates? Will Devereaux be stopped? Will someone wax Starchild's (Stanley) chest? Will Space Ace (Frehley) say anything substantial, instead of just making chicken noises? Also, what powers, exactly, does Catman (Criss) have?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry was not happy about this movie. He could not understand how it is that these bozos are supposed to be superheroes, let alone how they managed to pass themselves off as actors to make this thing. Nor did he care for anybody else in the movie, and he was right to hate it.

Derek knew what to expect because he watched it back in 1978 when it aired, but he is still angry about it. It's awful. The movie sucks. The music sucks. The fact that these clowns manage to still be famous doesn't just suck; it is the only real mystery involving them that anybody should be looking into.

So put on some stupid make-up, slap on some platform go-go boots, and check out this week's episode!