June 19, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

Let's be honest; last week was not a great week. So, in order to get through all the garbage that happened, I'm employing some awesome Mythbusters GIFs because there is nothing not awesome about Mythbusters. (Aside from it not being on the air anymore.)

See? Awesome.
Anyway, as I said, it was not a great week. It started out the Saturday before when it was announced that Adam West passed away, leaving us a superhero short when we really could use one. However, the city of Los Angeles paid a really great tribute to him by firing up the old Bat-Signal and shining it on City Hall.


Again, thank you, Mr. West.

Good luck with that.
Megyn Kelly, former Fox "News" yeller, is working for MSNBC now, and it seems that she opened a can of worms when she decided to interview screaming conspiracy bullfrog Alex Jones for her show. Before it even came out, the complaints started, and the sponsors started pulling advertising.


One of the most unexpected complaints came from Jones himself, who says Kelly's interview was deceptively edited to come off as a hit piece, despite promising him it would not be. How do we know she promised this? Why, because Jones recorded her telling him as much!

Yes, it turns out that the paranoid InfoWars host tapes any and all interviews he does, in the event that he doesn't come off as crazy enough. And, feeling he wasn't given a fair shake, he is threatening to release the entire recording of his conversation with Kelly, although he has only released small chunks at this point, all designed to make Kelly look like a horrible person. (As if we didn't already think that.)

Here's a clip from the interview.
Another awful thing happened when a nutbag with a gun decided, "Hey, I disagree with Republicans, so I think I'll shoot them a lot."

The man, a self-described Bernie Sanders supporter, took his gun to a baseball field where Republican lawmakers were practicing for a charity baseball game against Democratic lawmakers, and opened fire, shooting several people, including Louisiana Republican Steve Scalise.

Here's the thing: I disagree with Republicans in general, and Scalise is no angel himself. Some of the stuff he supports is reprehensible to me, but I would never, ever advocate taking a gun to anybody just because you disagree with their thinking. That's not the way to make change happen. If you have ever thought about doing something like that, regardless of your political affiliation, religion, or any other thing, you are an asshole.


I wish Representative Scalise a quick recovery.

Harmless destruction is way more entertaining.
With last week's testimony from former FBI Director James Comey, we had so much drama and fascinating revelations. So, of course, the same was expected when it was announced that bitter Keebler elf Attorney General Jeff Sessions would be offering his own testimony in the Trump-Russia scandal.

But the drama and revelations didn't happen. Instead, we got a bunch of mumbling, an inordinate number of "I don't recall" responded, and a clearly shaken Sessions who seemed confused that California Senator Kamala Harris, a black woman, was allowed to ask him things and expect answers.


Truthfully, nothing got accomplished, and it was a waste of time. I hope episode three of Senate Investigation Testimony is better.


And, on a more upbeat note, it's Pride Month! We at Here Be Spoilers support our LGBTQ+ friends, and we hope they have an awesome time getting out there and having parades and getting married and living their lives and being happy and all that. There were a bunch of parades last week, and there were some incredible celebrities that showed up to offer their support!


Stay proud, you guys! And for those LGBTQ+ folks out there who are in to Pride and cool stuff that goes "BOOM", here's this:

It's an explosion of awesomeness!
And there were tweets...

As usual, I grabbed a random(ish) handful of them to cram into your eyes. If you dig 'em, follow these funny folks. If you don't...I dunno...maybe go fishing or something.

In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to kick it off, as we head into the warm summer, it's important to remember what we're missing from winter, so here's another classic from the Holderness family:


And, after all this, if you can't figure out why Twitter is awesome, observe:


All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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June 14, 2017

The Faculty

To listen or download, click here.


Okay...Here's the deal: The guys were all set to watch Harbinger Down, which Jake had chosen as the movie for this week. However, it was not to be, as the DVD Jake provided didn't want to cooperate. It kept freezing, so a different movie was required. What would the guys do?

A quick gander through Jake's Folder 'O Flicks revealed this week's alternative movie choice: The Faculty, starring Elijah Wood, Jordana Brewster, Clea DuVall, Josh Hartnett, Laura Harris, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Shawn Hatosy, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Jon Stewart, Robert Patrick, Usher, Christopher McDonald...and a whole bunch of other people.

Robert Rodriguez crammed loads of 'em in each scene to cover every flat surface!
When the football coach (Patrick) of a rural Ohio town starts acting strangely, the student photographer, Casey (Wood), notices and starts to wonder what's going on. At first, he tells the editor of the school paper, Delilah (Brewster), and the two of them attempt to find out what's going on. They certainly do, when they witness the coach and another teacher attacking the school nurse (Hayek).

When they try to tell the authorities and their parents, Casey ends up getting grounded and having his porn taken away by his father (McDonald).

The next day, he returns to the school, where he tries to convince the mopey goth girl, Stokes (DuVall), that maybe the teaching staff are aliens. She, in turn, suggests that they might be controlled by symbiotic lifeforms, and they have to find the controlling critter to save everyone.

Nah...We're sure they're fine.
In order to save humanity, they bring in Delilah's football player boyfriend, Stan (Hatosy), the local contraband dealer, Zeke (Hartnett), and the new girl, Marybeth (Harris). They are almost immediately have to face off against the science teacher, Mr. Furlong (Stewart), who tries to kill them all.

What're ya gonna do...
It is during this confrontation that they discover the bathtub crank that Zeke sells has a surprising effect on the aliens/symbiotes...It liquefies them.

The group leaves the school and goes back to Zeke's house, where he has a gigantic laboratory in his garage that, apparently, nobody ever noticed before. Once there, they examine one of Mr. Furlong's fingers--it was cut off during their battle with him--and realize that, indeed, it is a symbiote. So now they have to figure out if any of them are infected with one. How do they do that? By taking Zeke's bathtub tweakin' powder! What could possibly go wrong?

Best line delivery of the movie.
SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG, YOU GUYS.

Turns out Delilah has one of these little boogers, and a huge fight ensues, destroying almost all of Zeke's basement meth and all of his lab stuff. Also, Delilah gets away because Casey is too scared to shoot her, and when Stokes tries to shoot her, she turns out to be a terrible shot.

So now they have to go back to the school and try to find Patient Zero for the brain critters. This might entail facing off against an entire town of alien-possessed townsfolk, football players, teachers, and a few out-of-towners (also possessed). Against the, now, five of them. Again, that should be fine.

Did we mention the tentacles? Because there are a lot of tentacles.
After a brief confrontation with the school's principal, Principal Drake (Neuwirth), in which it turns out that Zeke has no problem whatsoever with shooting someone. Then Stan goes out to confront the coach, and he is turned.

Will the others survive? Will they find the main critter? Will it, too, be all tentacle-y? OR IS IT ALL A DREAM? (No. It is not a dream. We just wanted a dramatic moment.) You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek is concerned about Elijah Wood's seeming inability to walk more than ten feet without falling. He also has issues with Josh Hartnett's hair. It's upsetting. All that aside, he wonders if this is a better movie than Wes Craven's Scream.

Larry is a big fan of Clea DuVall, and makes it known. A lot. He has a few issues with the CGI in this film, but is willing to give it a miss, considering the low budget of the film. The practical effects and monsters by KNB are, of course, top shelf.

Jake wonders mostly about whether the monsters are aliens, symbiotes, or possibly even pan-dimensional being that require human hosts to move in this dimension. For any other movie, this would be a ridiculous talking point, but it actually makes the others wonder.

So tune in, turn on, and drop out so our alien overlords can't take control of your brain, and listen to this week's show!
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June 12, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Before I get started, I just wanted to say how astoundingly upset I was to find out that Adam West passed away Friday at the age of 88 after a short bout with leukemia.

The millionaire playboy/superhero dad we all wanted.
West's Batman was a huge part of my childhood. I used to rush home from school every single day to watch reruns of the show on a local UHF channel (Channel 50 in Detroit) for as long as I can remember. I was that Batman for Halloween several years in a row.  Right now, the '66 Batmobile is sitting on top of my TV, a gift from my brother. Batman has been woven into my life, and it's all because of West's straight-laced performance in the campy series.


And I know there are a lot of you (I'm guessing about four, really) reading this who, like Jake, will point out that younger folks will only know him as Mayor Adam West from Family Guy. That's fine; because at least they know who he is. I would also encourage them to check out the original Batman series, as well as West's other work, to see what a truly interesting and genuinely funny guy he was.

He will be missed.

Now, on to other stuff...

This week's GIFs are all about Godzilla. Why? Because.

Oh, snap, y'all!
What a week it was! There was Memorial Day, where I hope that you, like myself, enjoyed many grilled meat objects. (I had to work, but the guys in Security were kind enough to fire up the grill and make burgers and brats for us.)

Later in the week, there was a little blip on the teevee machine that may have caught your attention. I'm speaking, of course, of former FBI Director James Comey's testimony concerning Angry Orange. It was fascinating. (This is something you will never hear me say about watching C-SPAN any other time, unless they air impeachment proceedings...Fingers crossed!)


Among other things, Director Comey stated that Angry Orange did ask him to drop the case against Michael Flynn. ("I hope you can see clear to dropping this. To letting Flynn go.") He also said that he leaked the notes he made about the meeting to a friend, who gave them to the press, because he was trying to get a special prosecutor put on the Trump-Russia scandal. It worked.

Twitter, of course, had some fun with the questioning...


Most disturbing to me was Senator John McCain's line of questioning. He seemed to have a problem telling the difference between the investigation that went on concerning Hillary Clinton's e-mail server and whether Angry Orange was colluding with Russia. A number of people wondered if McCain was in full control of his faculties.


All-in-all, it was a very interesting and enlightening session.

I don't know why this exists, but I love it.
Meanwhile, one of Angry Orange's demon seed made the rounds of cable news to decry how Democrats are vilifying his father. There was just one problem with that.


So, the sport hunter who kills critters so he can feel manly (although he knows he will never be as manly as he thinks his pussy-grabbing father is), is a chip off the old block of shit. I don't like him, and I am not alone.


Why does it look like it hurts him to smile?

Memories of father's displeasure with him during dinner? Who knows!
And where was Mike Pence through all of this? Hiding in the closet of the vice president's residence to avoid meeting any of the female staff? Holding his hand over a lit candle and trying not to cry because Mother heard he sent a memo to the lady in reception who once smiled at him? Wherever he was, Mother clearly did not approve.


Why does this seem familiar to me?

Oh. Right.
You're next, Mikey!

Mother? MOTHER?
Oh, and in case you're planning on saying that the current clusterfuck of an administration is still better than Obama's, here's a little reminder for you:


So, you know...suck it.

HADOUKEN!
Great Britain, on the other hand, has its own thing to deal with...


'Nuff said.

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
And then there were tweets! And I grabbed a big ol' handful of them from Twitter to stuff in your eyeholes! In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week! To help you to that end, here's a bunch of commercials with Godzilla in them!


And remember:

Over and over and over and over...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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June 7, 2017

Teen Witch

To listen and download, click here!


Remember the 80s? Of course you do, which is why we all generally avoid looking back at it. And this week's movie is a perfect reminder of why that is a good thing.

This week, the guys watched 1989's Robyn Lively epic, Teen Witch.

Robyn is Louise, an unpopular 15-year-old who is has skipped at least one grade, and is continuously moist for the school's football hero, Brad (Dan Gauthier), who looks like a knock-off Tom Cruise. However, Brad is dating Randa (Lisa Fuller) (possibly...it's hard to tell all these girls apart), the popular girl at school.

Also, Louise is a ginger, so she is obviously evil.
Along with this, Louise has a horrible brother (Joshua John Miller), a terrible teacher (Shelley Berman) who mocks her in front of the rest of the class, and a best friend, Polly (Mandy Ingber), who is like a sad cross between Darlene from Roseanne and Blossom.
It's like she's psychic!
Polly has her own issues, as she's madly in love with some greasy Guido-type named Rhet (Noah Blake), who fancies himself a rapper. He and his two idiot friends hang around the neighborhood "rapping" at each other.

 Anyway, Louise is almost killed by Brad when he "accidentally" runs her bike off the road, and she goes looking for a phone to call someone to come pick her up. Her search leads her to the house of Madame Serena (Zelda Rubenstein), a medium who informs Louise that she is a reincarnated witch, and her powers will come out on her sixteenth birthday.
Remember how good she was in Poltergeist?
Well, forget about that now.
And those powers do come out, almost to the day, when she accidentally turns her brother into a dog.
An 80-year-old chain smoking woman trapped in a 12-year-old boy's body.
Fortunately for her, the spell is reversed when she attempts to drown him in a full bathtub, but she is suitably freaked-out enough to go find Serena and tell her what happened. Serena decides that this is the perfect time to show Louise how to make money from what looks like coal, so everything balances out, right? She also gives Louise a book of spells and a potion to help her make Brad love her, because it appears that being a witch is not nearly as tightly-controlled as you might think.

 When she tries to use the spell, it fails completely...at first. So Louise makes an attempt to help out Polly with her love interest. It results in possibly the first filmed rap battle, between Polly and Rhet. Sure, it's awful, but it is a first.
Polly' lost when Rhet hoofed her in the hoo-ha.
When the spell on Brad starts to work, he takes Louise for a ride in the country, where they visit a deserted house and play hide-and-seek for a bit, and then they...er...do other stuff. It's gross.
Tom Cruise?!
Once she gets her meat hooks into Brad, it's only a matter of time before she begins to ignore Polly, who confronts her about it. Louise insists that she would rather hang out with Polly than the vapid twats who have taken her into their clique, but Polly is having none of that; she leaves Louise standing on the football field.

 Will Louise regain Polly's trust and friendship? Will she finally realize that she can keep Brad? Will Serena convince her that the magic is no substitute for a personality, thereby motivating Louise to give up magic forever and just be herself? Or will it all be thrown out the window in order to show teen girls from the 80s that the only important thing is to be popular, no matter who gets hurt?


 Yeah, it's that last one. Still, you should listen in.

 Derek is livid about the end of this movie. There is no resolution and nobody appears to have learned anything that helps them improve themselves. He goes on at great length about this. Like, a lot. It's pretty funny.

 Larry thinks it's an awful movie, but it's fun to make fun of with friends. Really, that's about all that matters, because if you're looking for philosophy in 80s movies, you've got issues of your own. Still, give it a try!

 Jake is not at all sure he agrees with Larry about the whole "making-fun-of-it-is-fun" thing. The only thing that he feels is worth the watch is a twelve second clip where Brad's girlfriend's cousin offers Louise some weed.

 So put on your Z. Cavaricci jeans and your "Frankie Says Relax" shirt, and listen to this week's episode!
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Sandy Collora's Shallow Water

I was introduced to Sandy Collora’s film work with his fairly legendary Batman fan film Batman: Dead End. In this short film, Batman chases The Joker across a rainy cityscape only to come face-to-toothy-vagina-face with the Predator. It is original, entertaining and stylish.

The murderous snapping turtle lizard the city needs.
Jumping ahead a few years, I stumbled on his first full length feature, Hunter Prey. It’s a desert-bound chase flick with a group of alien bounty hunters chasing a human through an otherworldly wasteland.

When I heard he was starting a Kickstarter for a horror film about killer fishmen, called Shallow Water, I was onboard, because killer fishmen.

Better than Godzilla, because he can touch the top of his own head.
Then I saw the creature. Dubbed the Tiburonera, it’s kind of a Creature from the Black Lagoon meets an alligator snapping turtle. I, of course, instantly loved it.

The film couldn’t reach the budget for a feature, so Collora shot a very cool, atmospheric short as a sort of proof-of-concept for a feature to show executives that there is a call for this kind of throwback creature feature, and he released it on Youtube this week.

Hang on...You got a little booger hanging down...
The film follows an unnamed heroine who is hunted by the creature in a Mexican jungle. She stumbles on a few of the victims of the Tiburonera. She hides in a shack, wounding the beast with a shotgun. Seeing her chance to escape, she makes a b-line for the boat, running headlong into the Tiburonera’s whole damn tribe. Riveting stuff.

So...Is there a Mister Unnamed Heroine?
I am personally sharing this film on all of my social media to raise awareness for Mr. Collora’s work. I have no connection to the director or anyone else involved; I am simply a lover of monster movies and independent cinema.

also, feeding these things costs a lot of cheddar.
Give it a watch. If you like it and want to see more, share the shit out of it. Also, check Kickstarter in a few weeks, as he will be producing action figures of the awesome beast. I cannot wait for that.

- Jake
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June 5, 2017

Twenty Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted The Past Two Weeks

Hi, guys!

Sorry I didn't do a list last week, but I was having some problems with my desktop, and I was fighting with that, and I also had to work Memorial Day, so things got kinda pushed to the side. But I'm making up for it this week with twice the tweets!

On another note, I had a whole bunch of stuff to post about Angry Orange, but I've decided that I don't want to this week. I'm getting tired of trying to keep up with all of his stupid, so I'm taking a break from it. I have only one thing to say to him. (Because he obviously reads this, right?)

These GIFs really tie the post together.
Instead of rambling about his latest idiotic statements, I've decided to focus on my own.

Why, thank you, Dude.
First off, I read an article about a week or so ago about an AI that Google is working on. The basic gist of the story was that they had an AI they were working on, and it started making changes to itself, as well as developing its own AI program to help it get stuff done quicker.

So, to clarify, a computer program wrote another computer program to do the same thing it does in order to help it get stuff done faster. It's only a matter of time that the artificial intelligence gains sentience and realizes that it has to propagate its "species" by writing even programs, which will in turn write even more programs, and so on, and so on...Until they are the most prominent species on the planet, and they begin hunting humans for sport. Laugh if you want, but if you can't trust the Terminator movies, who can you?

There is no escape.
Meanwhile, my search for further enlightenment continues. Specifically, a way to do stuff that, on the surface, wouldn't seem all that complicated. However, if television has taught me anything, it is that everything is way more difficult that I believe it to be, and also that there is somebody out there who has created some ridiculous Rube Goldbergian machine that takes three times as long to complete whatever task it is than it would take to just go ahead and maybe look up a video on YouTube on how to do it the right way.

What I'm saying is...

And, as an added bonus, if you like this tweet in the next hour, I'll send you five more of my own mediocre tweets absolutely free!
Billy Mays doesn't have moves like this.
As always, I overshared when I was playing hashtag games again.

But it was this tweet...

...that prompted this conversation with my buddy, author and fellow musician Dave Maurer:


It also deeply confused a female friend, who wondered why I would shave a lightning bolt on my chest...

Can you believe I never even thought of this when I was picking GIFs?!
And then there was Twitter...Two weeks' worth of tweets, no less, because I've got shit to do, ya know? So let's quit dickin' around and get to them, shall we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to help it along, here's a new video from the Foo Fighters!


Now get outta the way! I got more stuff to do!

But, you know, in a nice way...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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June 2, 2017

Batman and Robin

To listen, click here!


(A note from Derek: This week's episode was recorded as we watched the movie. So what you're hearing is our unrehearsed, on-the-fly commentary, which will be almost immediately clear once you hear how unsettlingly frequently we resort to poorly thought-out dick jokes. At any rate, in order to fully enjoy it, we recommend listening to it while you watch the movie. However, should you prefer not to watch the movie while listening, nobody could blame you.)

If you like your Bruce Wayne with more smarm than Michael Keaton, or less forehead than Ben Affleck, or not-quite-as-yelly as Christian Bale, or more...everything than Val Kilmer, this is the movie for you.

Okay, maybe not.
This week, the guys sat down to watch Batman and Robin, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Uma Thurman, Chris O'Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Michael Gough, Pat Hingle, Jeep Swenson, and John Glover.

When Mr. Freeze (Schwarzenegger) and his thugs start stealing diamonds to power a ridiculously complicated freezing machine, Batman (Clooney) and Robin (O'Donnell) are on the scene to play hockey and stop the robbery! And they've got time to do both, as well as take part in a car chase across the implausible Gotham City architecture. Finally captured, Freeze is sent to Arkham Asylum, where he is mercilessly teased by Jesse Ventura, because why not.

Because of where he needs to put the diamond to make it work, obviously.
Across town, mad scientist Dr. Pamela Isley (Thurman), who is trying to crossbreed plants with predatory animals, suspects that her even madder scientist co-worker, Dr. Woodrue (Glover), is up to something sketchy. Further investigation proves that this is, in fact the case, as he is using the special formula she has developed to create super soldiers from insane criminals. (As one does.) When he does exactly that to demonstrate it to potential investors, he creates Bane (Swenson), who dresses like a Mexican wrestler and may have some anger issues.

Woodrue catches Isley spying on him and tries to kill her. Unfortunately for him, she instead turns into a human/plant hybrid herself, and starts calling herseld Poison Ivy. She then turns the tables on him and murders him to death.

For the record, this is NOT El Santo.
Meanwhile, back at Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne's manservant, Alfred (Gough), is slowly dying. However, like most proper Englishmen, he is doing it quietly, so as not to be a bother to anyone. Bruce, being the World's Greatest Detective, figures it out pretty quickly, but decides to keep it from Dick because...Well, actually, that's not really explained. At this point, Dick is about 30-years-old, so he should be able to handle it by now, even in his emotionally-stunted state.

Oh, how I long for Death's sweet release...from this movie.
Anyway, Bruce and Dick are butting heads because Dick thinks Robin shouldn't have to live under the shadow of Batman. Immediately after saying he doesn't need Bruce to look out for him, he starts making ridiculous demands, like getting his own signal light and car. From Bruce. So, essentially, he doesn't need Bruce, just his money. What a...well, you know.

As if that wasn't enough, Alfred's niece, Barbara (Silverstone) shows up to complicate things even further, because Dick wants to do naughty things to her, and she keeps stealing Bruce's motorcycles so she can get into street races hosted by Coolio.

Ivy decides that Batman and Robin need to tear each other apart over her, giving her the chance to let her weird-ass mutant plants take over the world for her, and she thinks Freeze can help her, so she frees him from Arkham. Unfortunately for her, Freeze isn't interested in helping her repopulate the world because his wife is in some sort of popsicle coma and is being kept in a giant aquarium until he can find a cure.

Feeshy, feeshy, feeshy...
Feeling snubbed, Ivy pulls the plug on Freeze's wife, blames it on Batman, sends Bane into the ensuing fight, and then sits back to watch the carnage. Well, she would have, had not a new flying rodent-based hero arrive on the scene: Batgirl! Batgirl manages to maintain her secret identity for almost a whole scene before she blurts it out in front of Batman and Robin.

Batman, on the other hand, confronts Freeze and, although he could have beat Freeze into a bloody pulp and delivered him back to Arkham in a bucket (Freeze is bigger, but his clunky suit makes it hard for him to move), he instead chooses to appeal to Victor Fries, the doctor whose only goal was to save his wife. It turns out that the same stuff that Freeze was making to bring his wife back is the same stuff that can save Alfred! What a coincidence! He gives the serum to Batman, who gathers up Robin and Batgirl and rushes back to Wayne Manor to save Alfred.

So many rubber nipples...
Will he get there in time? Or will Robin and Batgirl insist on stopping at Dairy Queen for celebratory Blizzards? Will Freeze get his revenge on Ivy for killing his wife? Will anybody address the fact that Batgirl is Commissioner Gordon's daughter in the official canon, and not Alfred's niece?!?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry picked this movie, and the others suspect he actually enjoys it, despite his insistence that he doesn't. He does, however, have a huge issue with Mr. Freeze's fucking terrible ice-related puns. They're just awful.

Jake also hates the puns, but he was happy to have a chance to break out his Ah-nuld voice again. He thinks this could have been a much better Batman movie if it had a better director...and producer...and writers...

Derek is steadfast in his belief that George Clooney gets a bad wrap for this movie. He thinks Clooney would be a great Bruce Wayne with a decent script and co-stars. Now Val Kilmer...That guy was a turd with teeth as Batman.

So put on your utility belt and cowl, fire up the You-mobile, and listen tot his week's episode!

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