Batman and Robin

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(A note from Derek: This week's episode was recorded as we watched the movie. So what you're hearing is our unrehearsed, on-the-fly commentary, which will be almost immediately clear once you hear how unsettlingly frequently we resort to poorly thought-out dick jokes. At any rate, in order to fully enjoy it, we recommend listening to it while you watch the movie. However, should you prefer not to watch the movie while listening, nobody could blame you.)

If you like your Bruce Wayne with more smarm than Michael Keaton, or less forehead than Ben Affleck, or not-quite-as-yelly as Christian Bale, or more...everything than Val Kilmer, this is the movie for you.

Okay, maybe not.

This week, the guys sat down to watch Batman and Robin, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Uma Thurman, Chris O'Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Michael Gough, Pat Hingle, Jeep Swenson, and John Glover.

When Mr. Freeze (Schwarzenegger) and his thugs start stealing diamonds to power a ridiculously complicated freezing machine, Batman (Clooney) and Robin (O'Donnell) are on the scene to play hockey and stop the robbery! And they've got time to do both, as well as take part in a car chase across the implausible Gotham City architecture. Finally captured, Freeze is sent to Arkham Asylum, where he is mercilessly teased by Jesse Ventura, because why not.

Because of where he needs to put the diamond to make it work, obviously.

Across town, mad scientist Dr. Pamela Isley (Thurman), who is trying to crossbreed plants with predatory animals, suspects that her even madder scientist co-worker, Dr. Woodrue (Glover), is up to something sketchy. Further investigation proves that this is, in fact the case, as he is using the special formula she has developed to create super soldiers from insane criminals. (As one does.) When he does exactly that to demonstrate it to potential investors, he creates Bane (Swenson), who dresses like a Mexican wrestler and may have some anger issues.

Woodrue catches Isley spying on him and tries to kill her. Unfortunately for him, she instead turns into a human/plant hybrid herself, and starts calling herseld Poison Ivy. She then turns the tables on him and murders him to death.

For the record, this is NOT El Santo.

Meanwhile, back at Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne's manservant, Alfred (Gough), is slowly dying. However, like most proper Englishmen, he is doing it quietly, so as not to be a bother to anyone. Bruce, being the World's Greatest Detective, figures it out pretty quickly, but decides to keep it from Dick because...Well, actually, that's not really explained. At this point, Dick is about 30-years-old, so he should be able to handle it by now, even in his emotionally-stunted state.

Oh, how I long for Death's sweet release...from this movie.

Anyway, Bruce and Dick are butting heads because Dick thinks Robin shouldn't have to live under the shadow of Batman. Immediately after saying he doesn't need Bruce to look out for him, he starts making ridiculous demands, like getting his own signal light and car. From Bruce. So, essentially, he doesn't need Bruce, just his money. What a...well, you know.

As if that wasn't enough, Alfred's niece, Barbara (Silverstone) shows up to complicate things even further, because Dick wants to do naughty things to her, and she keeps stealing Bruce's motorcycles so she can get into street races hosted by Coolio.

Ivy decides that Batman and Robin need to tear each other apart over her, giving her the chance to let her weird-ass mutant plants take over the world for her, and she thinks Freeze can help her, so she frees him from Arkham. Unfortunately for her, Freeze isn't interested in helping her repopulate the world because his wife is in some sort of popsicle coma and is being kept in a giant aquarium until he can find a cure.

Feeshy, feeshy, feeshy...

Feeling snubbed, Ivy pulls the plug on Freeze's wife, blames it on Batman, sends Bane into the ensuing fight, and then sits back to watch the carnage. Well, she would have, had not a new flying rodent-based hero arrive on the scene: Batgirl! Batgirl manages to maintain her secret identity for almost a whole scene before she blurts it out in front of Batman and Robin.

Batman, on the other hand, confronts Freeze and, although he could have beat Freeze into a bloody pulp and delivered him back to Arkham in a bucket (Freeze is bigger, but his clunky suit makes it hard for him to move), he instead chooses to appeal to Victor Fries, the doctor whose only goal was to save his wife. It turns out that the same stuff that Freeze was making to bring his wife back is the same stuff that can save Alfred! What a coincidence! He gives the serum to Batman, who gathers up Robin and Batgirl and rushes back to Wayne Manor to save Alfred.

So many rubber nipples...

Will he get there in time? Or will Robin and Batgirl insist on stopping at Dairy Queen for celebratory Blizzards? Will Freeze get his revenge on Ivy for killing his wife? Will anybody address the fact that Batgirl is Commissioner Gordon's daughter in the official canon, and not Alfred's niece?!?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry picked this movie, and the others suspect he actually enjoys it, despite his insistence that he doesn't. He does, however, have a huge issue with Mr. Freeze's fucking terrible ice-related puns. They're just awful.

Jake also hates the puns, but he was happy to have a chance to break out his Ah-nuld voice again. He thinks this could have been a much better Batman movie if it had a better director...and producer...and writers...

Derek is steadfast in his belief that George Clooney gets a bad wrap for this movie. He thinks Clooney would be a great Bruce Wayne with a decent script and co-stars. Now Val Kilmer...That guy was a turd with teeth as Batman.

So put on your utility belt and cowl, fire up the You-mobile, and listen tot his week's episode!