Smokey and the Bandit II

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Waaaay back in the late 70s, there was a kind of renaissance taking place. CB radios were becoming all the rage, country music was gaining popularity due to likes of people like Ray Stevens and Kenny Rogers, and Burt Reynolds' mustache roamed the Plains in all its glory. It was a wonderful time to be alive.

Reynolds, who had starred in serious films like Deliverance and The Longest Yard, was catapulted into stratosphere of fame when he took the lead role opposite Jackie Gleason in 1977's comedy classic, Smokey and the Bandit. It was a huge hit, so plans were made a short time later for a sequel, which brings us to this week's movie, Smokey and the Bandit II, which brings back the original cast, including Reynolds and Gleason, as well as Sally Field, Jerry Reed, Paul Williams, Pat McCormick, and Mike Henry, as well as drawing in the hilariously funny Dom DeLuise.

Reynolds and DeLuise: The pairing that America was waiting for.

Big Enos Burdette (McCormick) and Little Enos Burdette (Williams) are running for governor of Texas. Unfortunately, a battle is escalating between them and their rival, John Coen (David Huddleston). After Coen drops cow manure on the Burdettes with World War II-era planes during a campaign stop, they retaliate by dropping paint on him at a party he is throwing. This leads to all of them being summoned to the current governor's (John Anderson) office for a dressing down. As they are leaving, big Enos overhears the governor on a the phone, arguing with someone about getting something delivered from Miami to the Republican National Convention in Dallas. Big Enos decides that he can get back in the governor's good graces by having the delivery made himself, and hatches a plan.

The Burdettes track down Cledus "Snowman" Snow (Reed) at a truck race and offer him $200,000 to make the delivery with his partner, Bo "Bandit" Darville (Reynolds).  Cledus agrees, and he approaches Bandit with the offer. Unfortunately, Bandit is in no shape for the job; he is a drunk, and no longer has a car. Cledus enlists the help of Bandit's ex-girlfriend, Carrie (aka "Frog", played by Sally Field) after he and Bandit convince Big Enos to double the payment for the delivery.

Frog, however, is kind of busy at the moment, finally getting married to Junior Justice (Henry), whom she ran away from on their wedding day in the first movie. When Cledus tracks her down at the church, he calls and offers her $50,000 to come help, and she agrees, but not before having to deal with Junior's father, Sheriff Buford T. Justice (Gleason), who draws his gun to keep her from leaving a second time. Frog tells him she has to help Bandit, which sets off Buford's heart monitor, allowing for her to get by him.

And hilarity, as they say, ensues.

Frog arrives in time to get Bandit back into shape, after which she and Cledus present Bandit with a brand new Trans-Am, and they head out to pick up the crate in Miami.

When they arrive, they find out that the crate has been quarantined for three weeks, so they break into the warehouse and search for it so they can get it on the truck and get going. When they find the crate, it is way too big, so Bandit suggests they just open the crate, remove what is in there, and put that in the trailer. When they do, they discover that there is a full-grown elephant inside. It flips Bandit onto its back and takes off running. Stopping only after it gets a splinter in its foot. Bandit pulls it out, and the elephant, which they name Charlotte, immediately falls in love, saving Frog the horror of being pawed by Bandit.

But it doesn't stop him from administering the occasional "shocker" when
she gets in the car.

As they leave the dock where the crate was, they are confronted by Sheriff Justice and Junior, who intend to arrest them. Bandit challenges Justice to show his marksmanship abilities, thereby using up all of his bullets. As Bandit and Cledus drive away, Justice tries to shoot at them with Junior's gun, but it is empty because, according to Juniorm, the bullets make the gun too heavy. (Junior is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.)

After a little while, Cledus suggests stopping for gas and checking up on Charlotte. When they get her out of the trailer, they decide she looks unhealthy, and they try to figure out what to do about it. At the same time, an ambulance also arrives at the gas station, and they go speak to the doctor riding in the back, Dr. Carlucci (DeLuise). At first, he is reluctant to take a look because he is with a patient at the moment (and also having his lunch), but giving him a lot of money clears his schedule pretty quickly. However, when he discovers they want him to look at an elephant, he tries to run away, only to discover that his ambulance is leaving without him. He agrees to go along with them, provided they take him to Miami so he can treat his patient's swamp fever.

When they make a stop to check on the elephant again, Dr. Carlucci tells them he has discovered that Charlotte is pregnant, and he thinks they need to let her rest a little bit. Bandit reluctantly agrees, and while Charlotte rests, Bandit and Frog start talking, and he tries to get things going with her again. Charlotte is having none of that, and she essentially takes bandit as her prisoner, keeping him from hooking up with Frog.

Pregnant elephants be crazy!

After another bit of driving, Dr. Carlucci insists that they have to stop because all the bouncing around in the trailer is causing problems for Charlotte. They park the truck and head to a local club to see Don Williams perform. As they sit watching, Frog notices Bandit doodling on a piece of paper. he lies and tells her it's a poem, but she takes it and sees that it's a sketch of a harness that he thinks will take the pressure off Charlotte's legs, allowing them to finish their trip. Frog gets angry and insists Bandit is thinking of nobody but himself, and she leaves. Bandit, now drunk and angry, goes ahead and makes the harness, and it does its job, allowing them to get back on the road.

Sheriff Justice, having been eluded all this time, decides it's time to call for back-up in his pursuit, so he contacts his brothers: Reginald (also Gleason), a Canadian Mountie, and Gaylord (Gleason, as well), a Texas sheriff with a weird little deputy who looks like Fred Armisen with dreadlocks and a banjo.

Seriously, what is that creepy little dude's deal?

They bring their officers with them, setting up an ambush to get Bandit once and for all. Of course, Bandit goes for it, leading them on a chase in the desert, where they look like they are going to catch him!

Will he get away? Will they deliver Charlotte on time? Or will Charlotte deliver her baby instead? Will Frog come back? Will Derek and Larry ever stop pronouncing "Enos" as "anus"? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry had never seen this before. He was impressed with Jackie Gleason stepping up to play three different roles, even if one of them had that creepy little banjo guy following him. He also got a kick out of the cameos, of which there are many. In particular, he got a kick out of Mel Tillis showing up again.

Derek has seen this movie more times than he cares to remember, but he still enjoys it. And although he, too, is freaked out by the banjo guy, he enjoys seeing Dom DeLuise actually try to do some kind of serious acting, albeit in a funny context. Overall, he's pretty happy with this one, although he is adamant that the follow-up is absolutely awful.

So gas up your Trans-Am, put on your good mustache, and tune in to this week's episode!

The Villain

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Thousands of years from now, archeologists will be trying to figure out what we were like in the early days of our supposed "civilized" period. They will attempt to piece together the truth of our existence by looking at books we wrote, art we created, buildings we put up, and the ways we documented life.

One can only hope that they will not watch the movie Derek and Larry watched this time around and assume that it was a documentary, because it would cause all kinds of uproar and new, unanswerable questions.

F'rinstance, what is going on behind that cactus?

This week, the guys sat down to watch former stuntman Hal Needham's underappreciated 1979 classic Loony Tunes/Western hybrid, The Villain (also know as Cactus Jack in the UK and Australia), starring Kirk Douglas, Ann-Margret, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Strother Martin, Foster Brooks, Mel Tillis, Jack Elam, Ruth Buzzi, Paul Lynde, and Robert Tessier.

Douglas is Cactus Jack, a not-especially-talented outlaw whose horse, Whiskey, is smarter than he is. When Jack tries to rob a train and misses, he rides into the nearby town to rob the bank, which is run by a drunken clerk (Foster Brooks). When the clerk tells Jack that he doesn't have the combination to the bank's safe, Jack decides to blow it open with dynamite. Unfortunately, all he manages to accomplish is blowing up the bank, but not the safe. And when he tries to escape, he is caught by the local law and put in jail, where he is visited by the owner of the bank, Avery Simpson (Elam).

Finding Jack proves difficult, as Simpson's vision is based on movement,
like the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Simpson offers Jack a deal: He will get Jack out of jail if Jack agrees to find Charming Jones (Ann-Margret) and steal the money her father (Martin) sent with her before she gets to town, or be hanged for trying to rob the bank.

Jack agrees, and sets off with Whiskey to find Charming, who has met up with the powder blue-encased Handsome Stranger (Schwarzenegger), a not-so-bright pile of Austrian muscles that Charming's father saved from being beaten up by a group of firemen, for reasons that are too ridiculous to go into, some time ago. Handsome was sent to protect Charming as she made her way to town with the money.

Put those things away, ma'am, before I prematurely discharge my...firearm.

In his attempts to stop Charming and Handsome from reaching their destination, Jack begins setting traps; starting with a rope across the road meant to trip up the horses pulling the cart in which the two are riding. It doesn't get the horses, but it does get caught on the back of the wagon, dragging Jack and destroying his pants.

After a few more failures, including having a boulder dropped on him, running head-first into a rock wall he painted to look like a tunnel, having yet another boulder roll over him, and falling down a mountain while trying to see Charming stripping down to bathe in a river, Jack approaches the local Indian chief, Nervous Elk (Lynde), for help.

Yes. You read that right.

Nervous Elk agrees, completely failing to mention that he and his tribe have already been contacted by Simpson to keep an eye on Jack, making sure he doesn't steal the money for himself.

A plan is hatched for Nervous Elk and his men to join Jack in a raid of Charming and Handsome's camp at dawn. Unfortunately, this completely fails to happen, as it turns out that most of Nervous Elk's tribe do not know how to ride horses. They all fall off as soon as they start the raid, and all but two of the braves are injured and unable to continue riding. So Jack, Nervous Elk, Mashing Finger (Tessier), and the two braves who were not injured, ride after Charming and Handsome.

The entire time this is going on, Charming is doing everything within her power to get Handsome to give up his good stuff, but he is either too virtuous or too stupid to do so, causing Charming a lot of consternation.

How can she go after that lunkhead when she has the option of this
prime cut of beef?

After a few more failed traps, Jack gets ahead of Charming and Handsome and prepares to ambush them at Charming's family's property, stacking barrels of gunpowder in the main house to blow it up once they get inside. But will it work?

Will Jack finally manage to steal the money and deliver it to Simpson? Or will Charming and Handsome continue to unwittingly foil Jack's plans? And will Whiskey finally realize he is the brains of the operation and leave Jack for a more competent outlaw? You'll have to tune in to find out! (Or pick up the flick at Amazon for about $10, which is totally worth it.)

Larry is fascinated with Ann-Margret as Charming, and who wouldn't be? He is also endlessly amused by the different traps Jack sets up, only to have them fail, especially the ones involving boulders. He finds Handsome Stranger's cowboy outfit incredibly disturbing, however.

Derek is impressed with the way Kirk Douglas goes all-in with the over-the-top goofiness of Cactus Jack. He, too, is infatuated with Charming, as well as Whiskey the horse, who is clearly the smartest character in this entire movie. He is also terribly, terribly sorry to any Native Americans who had to sit through Paul Lynde as Chief Nervous Elk.

So shine up your spurs, watch out for falling boulders, and tune in to this latest episode!

The Princess Bride

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Well, it has finally come to the last in our series of Fantasy movies, and what a way to finish! This time around, Derek and Larry watched Rob Reiner's classic The Princess Bride, an incredible cast, including Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Chris Sarandon, Christopher Guest, Wallace Shawn, Andre the Giant, Fred Savage, Robin Wright, Peter Falk, Carol Kane, and Billy Crystal.

A sick boy (Savage) receives a visit from his grandfather (Falk), who tries to entertain the boy with a story about Princess Buttercup (Wright) who falls in love with a stable boy named Westley (Elwes) wo, whenever she asks him to do something, responds only with "as you wish."

Westley would later go on to become a tornado chaser in the Midwestern U.S.

Westley leaves to find his fortune (as one does when one wishes to marry a princess, we assume), but is thought to be dead when his ship is attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

A few years later, Buttercup agrees to marry Prince Humperdinck (Sarandon), because she presumably does not want to die a spinster at the ripe old age of about twenty-ish, as people tended to do back in medieval times. However, before she can give up on life and marry the prince, she is kidnapped by three bandits named Vizzini (Shawn), Fezzik (Andre the Giant), and Inigo Montoya (Patinkin). Inigo and Fezzik do not seem to care for Vizzini, but they help him anyway because he might be able Inigo find the six-fingered man who murdered his father.

The bandits, shown here in a Tarantino-esque shot before Tarantino was a thing.

While escaping with Buttercup, the three find they are being followed by what appears to be the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts. They stop at a high cliff face and Fezzik carries all three of them to the top, where they make a plan (except for Buttercup, who really seems disinterested in helping them for some reason) involving using Inigo as a primary defense, Fezzik as a secondary, and Vizzini as the guy who runs away with his kidnapping victim in tow.

Inigo waits on top of the cliff for Roberts to climb up so he can be killed. When it doesn't look like Roberts will make it, Inigo offers to throw down a rope to speed things up. After a bit of arguing about whether or not Inigo can be trusted, Roberts finally agrees, climbs up the rope, and the two talk while Roberts catches his breath. (Inigo is really a pretty friendly and helpful bandit.) Inigo even tells Roberts about the six-fingered man who killed his father. Then they fight with swords, and Roberts eventually wins and escapes, leaving an unconscious Inigo behind.

Next, he catches up to Fezzik, who basically throws Roberts around a bit and smashes him against a rock until Roberts chokes him out. He goes down hard.

When he catches up to Vizzini, he challenges him to a duel of the brains. Roberts takes two cups of wine, does some stuff behind his back, and tells Vizzini to choose, warning him that one has poison in it. Vizzini, believing himself a superior intellectual, goes on a long and unnecessary rant explaining why he believes he is smarter than Roberts, and then chooses a cup, which he drinks, and then immediately dies.

Genius has far less practical application in the real world
than you might think.

Roberts takes Buttercup and tries to leave, but she is having no part of it. When he tries to force her, she pushes him down a tall hill so she can get away. As he falls, he yells, "as you wish," about the only thing Westley said to her before they fell in love, and Buttercup realizes she made a mistake. So she throws herself down the same hill.

The two, now reunited, make their way through the Fire Swamp, where Westley tells her how he had been captured by the Dread Pirate Roberts, only to learn that there had been several Dread Pirate Robertses and, when this one was ready to move on, he gave the name to Westley, who used his resources to track down Buttercup.

Aside from one minor attack by a giant rat, things go swimmingly through the Fire Swamp, only to end up with the two of them being caught at the end of it by Humperdinck and Count Rugen (Guest), Humperdinck's vizier who also happens to have six fingers on one hand.

Buttercup agrees to go with Humperdinck and marry him, provided he doesn't harm Westley. Humperdinck agrees, but then he secretly tells Rugen to take Westley prisoner and torture him.

Dicks.

When Buttercup complains that she is not happy and intends to kill herself if Humperdinck forces her to marry him, he agrees to search for Westley, although he really plans to killer her and make it look like a neighboring country did it in order to start a war. When Buttercup discovers Humperdinck never tried to find Westley, she starts mocking him, and he kills Westley

 Later, when Humperdinck orders all the thieves in the forest arrested, Inigo and Fezzik meet back up, and Fezzik tells Inigo about Rugen. They decide that the only way to get into the castle and kill Rugen is to get Westley to help them. They hear Westley's screams and follow them to where he is being kept, but it is already too late. Westley is dead.

Inigo, not one to let something like a little bit of death get in the way of his vengeance, has Fezzik carry Westley's body to the hut of Miracle Max (Crystal) and his wife (Kane), who determine that Westley is only mostly dead, and they might be able to fix that.

No, you put the lime in the coconut. Not the other way around, idiot.

But can they? Can they bring Westley back from (just) beyond the grave to save the princess? Will Inigo put Rugen, who most assuredly has difficulty finding comfortable gloves, out of his misery? Or will Fezzik get tired of the whole thing and just eat them all? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek picked this one, and with good reason. Rob Reiner is great at movies like this, and it shows he loves the material he is working with. The cast is phenomenal, the story is fun, and the whole thing is beautifully shot. Wallace Shawn's character was really obnoxious, though.

Larry has nothing bad to say about this film (except, like Derek, the Vizzini character's over-the-top personality), and he would watch it again without hesitation. He says he liked it so much that he had a hard time making jokes!

So buff up that tiara, put on your pirate mask, fire up your Princess Bride DVD, and listen to this week's commentary!

The Dark Crystal

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Holy cow, you guys! Can you believe we're three-quarters of the way through our month of Fantasy movies that has taken a month and a half already? And to add to that, the guys sat down to watch another Jim Henson movie that involved a lot of puppets!

This time, the guys sat down to watch and comment on 1982's The Dark Crystal, featuring performances from Jim Henson, Kathryn Mullen, Dave Goelz, Steve Whitmire, and, of course, the inimitable Frank Oz. It also features the voice talents of, among others, Stephen Garlick, Lisa Maxwell, Billie Whitelaw, Percy Edwards, Barry Dennen, and Jerry Nelson.

...as Edgar Winter.

A thousand years ago (you know; four years before Labyrinth, a powerful and magical crystal was cracked, which led to the creation of two different species: the peaceful and benevolent Mystics--wizards on this world--and birdlike creatures called Skeksis. The Skeksis retained the now broken crystal and use it to replenish their energy.

The Mystics' High Priest (Henson/voiced by Nelson) is dying of old age. Before he goes, he tells Jen (Henson/voiced by Garlick), a Gelfling the Mystics rescued after his family was killed, that he must travel to see Aughra, an astronomer, to retrieve a shard and repair the crystal before the Great Conjunction, when their planet's three suns all align, Or the Skeksis will rule forever.

Only the best people...

In the Skeksis' castle, their Emperor (Brian Muehl) is also dying, and the others prepare to fight over who will take his place. The Chamberlain (Oz/voiced by Dennen) challenges the General (Goelz/voiced by Michael Kilgarriff) for the right to rule, but the General defeats Chamberlain and exiles him from the Skeksis' castle.

The Skeksis have a vision and learn of Jen's quest, so they send out an army of crab-like monsters called Garthim to find him. But just as they are about to catch him, Chamberlain stops them, giving Jen a chance to escape.

I'm sexy and I know it...

After much wandering around and talking to himself, Jen finally finds Aughra (Oz/voiced by Whitelaw), and she takes him back to her house where she has a box of shards that he has to go through to find the right one. He does, and she starts to explain the Great Conjunction to him, but before he can ask any followup questions, the Garthim show up, destroy the house, and take Aughra prisoner.

The Mystics hear the call of the crystal, and they leave the village and head--very slowly--toward it. Meanwhile, Jen continues his journey, and he meets up with Kira, a female Gelfling that has the ability to talk to critters, including Fizzgig, a wad of fur and teeth that looks a lot like Derek's dad's old dog.

But slightly less yappy.

They join him in his travels, and Kira takes them to a village of Podlings, where they attempt to get a good night's sleep. This is, again, ruined when the Garthim show up, destroy the village (these things are not subtle), and kidnap all the Podlings to take back to the castle.

Moving on, Jen and Kira discover an old Gelfling village and find a prophecy painted on a wall that describes Jen's journey to repair the crystal. As they look at it, Chamberlain arrives and tries to convince them that they should come with him to the castle because the Skeksis want peace. The Gelflings are not buying what he is selling, and they ditch him, choosing instead to ride Landstriders (they look like walrus/bat hybrids, but they have super-long legs and run really fast) the rest of the way to the castle.

Where they hope to get Fizzgig neutered. It's for the best, really.

The Chamberlain finds them in the lower levels of the castle and offers peace again, but they continue to not take him up on it, so he does what anybody would: He drops a bunch of rocks on Jen and takes Kira to the General, who reinstates Chamberlain to his old job and sends Kira to the Scientist to get her essence so he can stay young.

Will Kira become the General's personal juice box? Will Jen dig his way out and fix the crystal? Or will he die slowly, only to be consumed by Fizzgig in the bowels of the castle? And what about Aughra? Will someone please get her a bra? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek has loved this film since he first saw it. That has not changed. Sure, he said some mean things during the recording, but it was all meant with love. He did not, however, reveal that he had a serious crush on Kira when he was a kid, because that would just be weird and embarrassing.

Larry also loves the movie. He says it is perfect. He also does a pretty disturbing imitation of Chamberlain's creepy moan/whine. It's really off-putting. But that's okay because, as with Derek, it is done with a deep love of the film.

So put on your pointed ears, Hop on your Landstrider, and tune in to this week's episode!

Labyrinth

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(A Note from Derek: Hi, everybody. Sorry for the late post. It has been a bleh week, motivation-wise, and I just got behind. Also, we have been working with Larry's schedule, as he's been getting a lot of overtime, which means he ends up working on days we usually record. Hopefully, both of these issues will be under control soon. Anyway, enjoy this new commentary episode!)

The 1980s were a good time to be a muppet.

In 1979, Jim Henson released The Muppet Movie into the wild, where it garnered heavy accolades and opened up all kinds of doors for him. One of those doors led to his now famous Creature Shop. Another led to him being able to expand his horizons and make movies that were his dream projects. One was The Dark Crystal--in fact, that was his dream project. After that, went on to do this episode's movie, the second in our quartet of Fantasy-type films, 1986's Labyrinth, starring Jennifer Connelly, David Bowie, and a ton of the regular Henson muppeteers.

With special guest, David Bowie's horrible, terrible pants.

Jennifer Connelly is Sarah. She's your average 1980s teenage girl who fancies herself an actress and/or princess(?). Unfortunately, she has an infant stepbrother named Toby (Toby Froud) that she is saddled with when her father (Christopher Malcolm) and stepmother (Shelley Thompson) want to go out and enjoy themselves on the town.

Naturally, this teenager immediately gets tired of having to be in the same house as this crying poop machine, and she does what any other teenager would; she recites a spell that excites a bunch of tiny goblins and opens a doorway from their world to hers, allowing their king, Jareth (Bowie), to come and take Toby away to his castle. Happens all the time.

Holy shit, you guys! She said it! let's go!

Now terrified that she is going to get grounded for giving her stepbrother away to the king of the goblins (as one does), she freaks out and summons Jareth and begs him to return Toby. Jareth refuses, but offers her a chance to rescue the boy. However, she has to do it by making her way to his castle in the the middle of a gigantic labyrinth. And she only has thirteen hours to do it.

She starts on her way and, trying to be smart about it, marks each turn she makes. Unfortunately, everything in the labyrinth is stupid and evil, so that fails almost immediately. Fortunately, in her wandering around blindly, she runs across Hoggle (Shari Weiser/voiced by Brian Henson), a dwarf that is kind of a dickweed, but wants to have friends.

Bernie Sanders in a rare cameo!

He offers to help her, but his motives are not exactly on the up-and-up. Especially when Jareth comes to see him and insists that Hoggle keep Sarah going around in circles so she cannot save Toby in time.

Not long after, Sarah meets Ludo (Rob Mills/voiced by Ron Mueck), a gigantic hairball with ram horns and an underbite that makes him look like he is terribly sorry for whatever it is he did. But he's big and friendly, so Sarah brings him along to help her reach things on high shelves and dust hard-to-reach things. Hoggle, already the shortest of their group, feels threatened by this giant teddy bear and runs off.

Sarah and Ludo make their way to a pair of doors with talking doorknobs that require her to answer a riddle. She solves it and is allowed past and into a forest, where she misplaces Ludo.

Meanwhile, Jareth learns that babies are, in fact, rather moist most of the time
and wonders what's taking Sarah so long.

Hoggle is confronted by Jareth, who demands that the dwarf take a drugged peach and give it to Sarah, which will cause her to lose all of her memories and forget why she is there. Hoggle is reluctant, but he agrees.

In the forest, Sarah meets the Fireys. They try to pull her head off, only to be stopped by Hoggle, who has made his way back to her. Sarah is so pleased with Hoggle that she kisses him, and Jareth sends them both to the Bog of Eternal Stench, probably because even a Fantasy movie needs fart jokes.

While jumping on farting flat stones, they meet back up with Ludo, and then are introduced to Sir Didymus (Dave Goelz and David Barclay/voiced by David Shaughnessy), a fox that rides around on a sheepdog.

Hoggle! Can't you stop touching yourself even for a minute?

They continue on, but they're hungry. They stop for food, and Hoggle gives Sarah the peach, and then he runs off again. Sarah falls asleep and starts to dream about Jareth (and his upsetting pants), who proclaims his love for her. However, she starts to remember, and she wakes up in a fake version of her room in the middle of a junkyard. The Junk Lady (Karen Prell/voiced by Denise Bryer) tries to brainwash her, but Ludo and Didymus show up and save Sarah before it can happen. As an added bonus, they discover that they're not far from Jareth's castle!

As they are leaving the junkyard, Sarah finds Hoggle again, and although he tried to poison her, she forgives him, and he rejoins the group and they head toward the castle to confront Jareth and save Toby.

But will she save her stepbrother? Will Didymus ever come to the horrible realization that his riding a sheepdog is a metaphor for the slave trade? Will Ludo finally get tired of Hoggle and just eat him? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek picked this one because it's a cult classic and that sort of thing is right in his wheelhouse. Also, the music is pretty catchy, as it is in any Jim Henson film. Really, the only bad thing he has to say is about Jareth's pants. Why, oh why, did nobody consider giving him a codpiece?

Larry is willing to give Jareth's batch a mulligan and just enjoy the heck out of this movie. He loves the puppets, the music, Jennifer Connelly, and everything else about this movie. And, really, who can blame him? It really is great.

So put on your upsettingly form-fitting pants, poof up your hair, and listen to this week's commentary!

The Neverending Story

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So, the guys decided that they needed another four-episode theme, and they had a bit of a go-around as to what the focus was going to be. Finally, they decided that family-ish Fantasy-type movies were they way to go. And, boy howdy, did they kick it off with a winner: The 1984 Wolfgang Petersen classic, The Neverending Story, starring Barrett Oliver as Bastion, Noah Hathaway as Atreyu, and Tami Stronach as the Empress. It also features Thomas Hill, Deep Roy, Alan Oppenheimer, Moses Gunn, Sydney Bromley, and Gerald McRaney's mustache as Bastions father.

Bastion is an introvert who is regularly picked on by three bullies (Chris Eastman, Darryl Cooksey, and Nicholas Gilbert). One morning, while running away from them, Bastion stumbles into an antique bookstore, where he meets Carl Conrad Coreander (Hill), who personifies the antique bookstore owner, in that he refuses to sell any books to anyone. One book, in particular, catches Bastion's attention, and he steals it when the old man isn't looking, and sneaks into the attic(?) of his school, where he hunkers down to read it.

Because that's what you do, right?

This, of course, brings him into a magical world called Fantasia, where there are giant bats, giant snails, one of Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompas (the Tim Burton brand), and, of course, dragons.

It also introduces us to a young hero named Atreyu, who is tasked with finding the Empress of Fantasia in order to save the land from destruction because of reasons.

Atreyu heads out on his trusty horse, Artax, and immediately gets stuck in the Swamp of Sadness.

 He didn't have his muddin' hooves on.

And suddenly, less than half an hour into the movie, Atreyu's horse--arguably his only real friend--is dead, drowned in the swamp. In this family movie. Which is meant for children. (This method of emotional manipulation would later be adopted by Pixar, taking the company to the greatest heights of success by leaving a trail of  dead characters in its wake.)

A giant turtle appears and sneezes all over Atreyu, and then tells him to go to the Southern Oracle, which is ten thousand miles away. What a dick.

Fortunately, there just happens to be a dragon named Falkor out for a leisurely stroll, who happens to see the young hero and picks him up, taking him to a small Hobbit house where Atreyu meets the delightful Engywook (Bromley), a scientist/astrologist, and his wife, Urgl (Patricia Hayes).

Who's a good dragon? Who is? You  are! Yes, you are!

Engywook shows Atreyu the entrance to the Southern Oracle, and they watch as a knight attempts to make his way past the entrance, only to be reduced to a pile of dust because the statues at the entrance have laser eyes and gigantic breasts with hard nipples. (The nipples don't do anything; we just felt it was necessary to point out that this family movie features not one, not two, not even three, but four statues with rock-hard nipples. Let that sink in.)

Atreyu decides that, lasers and giant nipples notwithstanding, he has to get to the Empress, because she can tell him how to stop The Nothing from destroying Fantasia. With the help of his ninja-like stealth, Atreyu makes it past the statues, only to be confronted with a mirror that is supposed to show the viewer their "true self". What it shows Atreyu, however, is Bastion, which totally messes with both of their heads.

Bastion, suitably freaked-out, tosses the book aside for a minute, long enough to notice that a huge storm is raging outside, and although it is pretty clear he has been in this attic for hours, nobody has bothered to go looking for him. Aaaaanyway, he goes back to the book.

Atreyu makes his way to the Southern Oracle, which is the second pair of statues, and it tells him that he has to find a human child to give the Empress a name in order to save Fantasia from The Nothing.

The Nothing appears to be controlled by a rogue animatronic wolf
from the Country Bear Jamboree.

While escaping from The Nothing as it consumes the Southern Oracle, Atreyu falls off Falkor and into the Sea of Possibilities, only to be washed ashore, where he meets Rockbiter--a troll of some kind that eats rocks. While poking around the area, Atreyu finds a bunch of paintings that appear to represent the quest he is on, and the is confronted by Gmork, the above-mentioned animatronic wolf-thing.

It turns out Gmork has been hunting Atreyu since he began his quest, with the sole intention of eating him. Atreyu, while sympathetic, is not too keen on Gmork's plan, and immediately kills the wolf when it attacks him. There is no major struggle or anything. It jumps, and Atreyu stabs it. End of the evil doggy.

Not, however, the end of The Nothing, which has begun to consume everything around him. Falkor manages to rescue Atreyu, and they find the Empress's Ivory Tower, so they go see her and try to figure out what they can do.

Much to her disappointment, it does not involve Hatchimals.

As The Nothing begins to destroy the Ivory Tower, the Empress tells Atreyu that he did what he was supposed to do, but the dumb-ass kid reading their story isn't doing his. After a lot of shouting at the book, Bastion realizes that he knows what the Empress's new name should be. He shouts it at the pages, hoping it will save them...

But will it work? Will Fantasia be rebuilt? Will Atreyu stick around and get hair grooming tips from the Empress? And what about Falkor? Will he get to go back to doing whatever it is dragons do in their free time? Or will he be forced to help whiny Bastion exact revenge upon those who wronged him? You'll have to tune in to find out!

SPOILER ALERT: There's definitely some revenge happening here.

Larry loves this movie unabashedly, all but finally admitting that he is, in fact, a thirteen-year-old girl trapped in the body of a grown man more than twice that age. He digs Falkor. But then, who wouldn't? It's a freakin' dragon that has the face of a friendly dog! He is also totally into Rockbiter and the other oddballs that live in Fantasia, which involves some pretty groovy puppeteering, as well as Deep Roy.

Derek is very much not a fan of this film. He argues that he is not really the demographic the studio was focusing on, and is therefore happy with his opinion. He, too, likes Falkor, but really, who wouldn't? He is very deeply troubled, however, by the film's title, which is clearly a lie. The movie clocks in somewhere around the two-hour mark, and although it was followed by two sequels, it is, by no means, "neverending". He is in talks with his lawyer to see what legal action can be taken.

So grab your Auryn, grab your disposable horse, and listen to this week's episode!

Graffiti Bridge

To listen/download, click here!

Let's get this out of the way, right off the bat: We at Here Be Spoilers absolutely love Prince. We've all listened to his music since at least his 1999 album. Derek was even lucky enough to see him in concert once.

But, alas, even Prince was human, and therefore capable of making mistakes. And Derek and Larry sat down to have a look at one of them, 1990's Graffiti Bridge. And then they talked about it. And then Derek somehow managed to lose the recording somewhere in the vast disk drive of the very laptop on which this page is being created. So they sat down a week later to talk about it again. This time, it stuck.

Graffiti Bridge is an "unofficial" sequel to 1984's vastly superior Purple Rain. Prince is The Kid, a Minneapolis musician who is also half owner of a club called Glam Slam, which resides in an area known as Seven Corners.

With Special Guests...BELL BIV DEVOE! (Not really.)

The owner of the other half is none other than Morris Day (as Morris Day). Both men were willed the club when Billy, the owner of 7th Avenue in Purple Rain, passed away sometime between the two movies.

Morris has taken a dark turn since 1984, and is now some kind of low-rent gangster in the area. He wants all the clubs in Seven Corners (there is George's, which is run by George Clinton; there is Melody Cool, which is run by Mavis Staples as Melody herself; and there is Pandemonium, which is run by Morris), but The Kid refuses to hand over his half. This disagreement leads to numerous musical confrontations, usually at Glam Slam.

See? Obvious gangsters. Not "gangstas". These guys dress better.

Meanwhile, a mysterious woman named Aura (Ingrid Chavez) has drifted into Seven Corners, and she has a running internal monologue that sort of explains why she's there, although it is left vague enough that it takes some time before she reveals she's some sort of angelic-type person. She has come to Seven Corners to help The Kid along his path to enlightenment and spirituality. For some reason, she also seems to think she can turn Morris in that direction, as well. On top of that, she takes up residence under the bridge mentioned in the title, like some kind of poetry-writing, Latino bridge troll.

She may be from Heaven, but she will not tolerate billy goat jokes.

Naturally, The Kid and Morris both fall for her, which brings a new angle to their ongoing battle, despite Morris being with Robin (Robin Power) and The Kid having something going on with Jill (Jill Jones, who played the blond-haired waitress in Purple Rain).

Morris tries to woo Aura with his usual style, including the help of his associate/manservant(?), Jerome (Jerome Benton). This is accomplished by getting her drunk at his club and then abducting her so he can take her back to his house and do unspeakable things to her.

Fortunately, The kid intervenes, causing an awkward moment between Morris and Jerome, and then takes her still-unconscious self back to his place. When she wakes up, he attempts a weird seduction that involves forcing her to play Hangman with him while he wordlessly lay uncomfortably close to her in his bed.

This is some serious SIlence of the Lambs serial killer stuff right here.

Morris sends his guys to trash Glam Slam a few times in order to force The Kid out, but it just makes him funk harder, if you can believe that's possible. Unfortunately, in his attempts to display his funkitude, he starts to drive Aura away because he strays away from the spirituality.

Things are not exactly going so well for Morris, either, as his band wants more money, Robin wants more money, and Jerome seems to be getting fed-up with Morris being so mean all the time. In fact, he even challenges Morris to an odd money-counting contest.

And it is set to the tune, "Duelin' Banjos". Really.

Things finally come to a head when The Kid challenges Morris and The Time to a battle with his own band, New Power Generation. Morris agrees, and the stage is set, so to speak. But who will win? What will become of Aura, who tells The Kid that she will not be around for long? How does a giant velvet painting of a nude, large-breasted angel fit in to all this? And how does Melody, who appears to be well into her fifties or early sixties, have a son who is about 14 (Tevin Campbell as Tevin)? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Also, what was it like to be on the set and working as an extra? Well, we can help you there, because Derek was lucky enough to exchange messages with Beth "Beez" McKeever, prop diva for Mystery Science Theater 3000, and Prince enjoyer. She was kind enough to talk about her experiences working as a club extra in two scenes, as well as some fun stories about what it was like to just sort of, you know, be around such a fascinating and talented artist.

This is the opening New Power Generation performance...

...and here she is on the Pandemonium set, "trying to shake something" (her words)
during a performance by The Time.

Derek freely admits that this movie is not great. However, he will defend the soundtrack to the very end because there are some great songs. He is also enraged that we are only shown what is at four of the Seven Corners. What is on the other three? Also, what the heck is up with the ending?!

Larry did not care for this movie at all. He, too, liked the soundtrack, but did not feel it make up for the story, such as it was. He did enjoy those few moments where Morris and Jerome slipped back into their comedy, which felt like it did in Purple Rain. Too bad there wasn't more of that.

So put on your shimmery pants with the buttcheeks cut out, slip on those giant heels, and listen to this week's episode!

Beat Street

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, we find ourselves going back to 1984. That year, rap music was starting to become huge, with the rise of artists like Run DMC, Doug E. Fresh, Kool Moe Dee, Beastie Boys, Afrika Bambaataa, Sugarhill Gang, Slick Rick, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, Melle Mel, and so many others.

Along with that music, there came a new style of dancing known as breakdancing. And when the two were combined for major plot points in a movie, how could it possibly not be a hit?

The answer, of course, is this episode's movie: Beat Street.

Beat Street was in direct competition with Breakin', and both were meant to capitalize on the growing new music-based lifestyle. When the two studios found out the other was making a breakdancing-related movie, they both rushed to finish first. Breakin' got out two months before Beat Street, and it made a ton of money. Two months later, Beat Street failed to make even half of the box office that Breakin' did.

Some blame star Rae Dawn Chong's demand to be carried everywhere Yoda-style.

The movie itself stars Rae Dawn Chong, Guy Davis, Jon Chardiet, Leon W. Grant, Robert Taylor, and Mary Alice. It also features performances from Afrika Bambaataa, Doug E. Fresh, Kool Moe Dee, Melle Mel and the Furious Five, Soul Sonic Force & Shango, Us Girls, and a bunch of other ones. Sure, it's not the lineup we had for Krush Groove, but it has its merits.

F'rinstance, you won't see LL Cool J dressed like this!

The story, such as it is, revolves around four people: Double K (Guy Davis), Ramon (Jon Chardiet), Chollie (Keon W. Grant), and Lee (Robert Taylor).

Double K is a DJ. He wants to become famous for working the turntables, but he is not getting anywhere by throwing parties in abandoned buildings. With his friend Chollie's help, he hopes to get work in some of the bigger clubs in the city.

Ramon is, to use his own words, "a graffiti writer" who dreams of having his art seen all over the country. Unfortunately, his work is ruined by a mysterious tagger by the name of Spit (Bill Anagnos), who writes his own name all over Ramon's art. AND THAT IS ALL. Seriously. The guy just shows up with a paint can, and very neatly writes his name--in cursive--all over Ramon's work. What a dick.

Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

And then there's Lee, Double K's brother, who wants to be a professional breakdancer, despite his mother's (Mary Alice) insistence that he knock it off. Lee, however, insists on continuing, so that he and his crew can challenge the other groups around the city to prove they are the best.

When Double K gets work filling in at a club called Burning Spear, Lee and his crew show up to challenge the Rock Steady Crew, and they are seen by Tracy (Rae Dawn Chong), a composer and writer who is currently working on a show for the local dance school. She invites Lee to the school for a demonstration, and Lee tells his brother that he is going for an audition, and when it is made clear that it is not an audition, Double K immediately gets pissed at Tracy, and then storms out with a videotape of Lee's performance, thereby setting Tracy up as Double K's love interest, for some reason.

This is why you don't leave banana peels on the dance floor.

Meanwhile, Ramon, whose father thinks he is wasting his life, is fascinated with a shiny new subway train that is completely white, and he immediately begins plans to paint it, with the help of his friends.

Chollie convinces the owner of another club, Monte (Jim Borrelli) to come see Double K at Burning Spear, hoping it will get him a job at Monte's club. Monte is impressed with what he hears and offers Double K a spot, which he accepts.

Tracy, wanting to talk to Lee, comes to his home and talks to Double K, who takes her to see him. She starts planning a show of some kind, and she takes Double K along to the studio to see if he can do anything there while she works with her writing partner, Robert (Duane Jones from the original Night of the Living Dead). When Tracy shows a minor display of affection toward her writing partner, Double K immediately assumes she is dating him and crashes an expensive Synclavier computer/keyboard, then storms out of the studio.

Ramon suddenly reveals (to the viewers, at least) that he has a child, as well as a girlfriend named Carmen (Saundra Santiago), and he realizes he needs to take care of them. So he gets himself a real job and, with the help of Double K, Lee, Chollie, and a weird Puerto Rican dude (Dean Elliot) they found in the basement of the abandoned building they hold parties at, makes an apartment for the family in that same building.

Ironically, his job is cleaning graffiti off of subway cars. (Not really.)

Almost immediately after, Ramon gets a chance to tag the white subway cars, and he takes Double K along to help him. While they are working, Ramon hears a noise and goes to investigate. What he finds is Spit, and he gives chase down the tunnels, with Double K bringing up the rear. Ramon catches Spit, but the two stumble and fall on the third rail, electrocuting both of them.

Double K decides that the new gig at Monte's club will double as a memorial to Ramon, with live performances by himself, as well as a gospel choir, Afrika Bambaataa, and all the local breakdancing crews. But will it help with the healing and possibly raise money for Carmen and the baby? Will Double K be able to keep the job? Will Lee become the world-famous breakdancer he hopes to be? And will Tracy ever realize that she is just setting the bar way too low in her choice of men?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry picked this movie based solely on what little he remembered from seeing it decades ago, as well as his love of three songs on the soundtrack. He now regrets this choice, but what can he do? He thinks the movie is a bit choppy, and the story mainly focuses on exactly the wrong character. He is right.

Derek never saw this one before, and now, having seen it, wishes he could get that 121 minutes back. He thinks the movie is sloppy and poorly edited. He also agrees wholeheartedly with Larry that the main story focus was on the wrong characters. It should have been Ramon's story. And why did it take so long to introduce his girlfriend and child?

So put on your Kangol hats and Puma sweatsuits, limber up, and listen to this week's episode!