The Dark Tower

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Stephen King is, we can all agree, the most prolific horror writer in the world. It's his bread and butter. But every once in a while, he fires off a novel that isn't quite like his usual material. And a surprising number of those have been turned into movies, such as Stand By Me, The Shawshank Redemption, The Running Man (although it is almost impossible to recognize the original story in that movie), and this week's movie, The Dark Tower.

Inspired by Spaghetti Westerns starring Clint Eastwood and The Lord of the Rings, King has built an eight-book series that follows a gunslinger named Roland through an alternate universe where he must protect the Dark Tower that keeps the multiverse from collapsing in on itself or letting the various realms cross over into other realms. It also ties almost all of King's other books together, as well. It's a pretty complicated thing. Complicated enough to encompass eight books, anyway.

The sexual tension between these two takes up two books by itself!

Fortunately, if you don't have time to read that many books, there's this movie, which stars Idris Elba as Roland the Gunslinger, Matthew McConaughey as The Man in Black (aka Walter), and young Tom Taylor as Jake--a young boy with a special ability that allows him to see what Roland is up to over in his part of the multiverse. There are dozens of other people, but they're barely worth mentioning here.

Jake, age twelve, is Special. Or, as his stepfather Lon (Nicholas Pauling) would say, crazy. He has the Shine, which you might remember from The Shining, another movie/book combo from King's earlier work. Jake has what he believes to be nightmares, where he sees visions of a gunfighter who fights a mysterious Man in Black, who kills the Gunslinger's father. Jake's bedroom walls are covered with sketches of the Gunslinger, the Man in Black, and the Dark Tower, although he isn't quite sure what all of it means, or if it's even real. Jake's mother, Laurie (Katheryn Winnick), and Lon the asshole think that Jake might be dangerous after he beats up a bully (Nicholas Hamilton) that steals his sketchbook. So she contacts a local hospice that immediately sends out a doctor (Eva Kaminsky) and an orderly (Robbie McLean) to come take him away. Jake notices clues, such as the doctor's hand shaking like it's trying to escape her arm and the orderly's face having a seam running around it that suggests it is not his actual face, that cause him to decide to sneak out of the apartment before they can drag him off. The orderly gives chase, only to lose him.

This kid is nothing but trouble.

In the meantime, Jake goes to a location he had dreamed about after checking online to see if anybody recognizes it. Someone does, and they tell him where it is located. When Jake gets there, he finds a run down house that has a surprisingly modern keypad and door at the back. Typing in a number he recalled from his dreams, the door opens a portal into what appears to be another world. After throwing a shoe through to make sure it is safe and then fighting with part of the house's floor, Jake goes through the door and finds himself in the middle of a desert. A quick search around the general area reveals what appears to be a campsite, and Jake finds a canteen full of water, which he drinks immediately, only to stop and find himself face-to-muzzle with the gun of the Gunslinger from his dream, and he does not appear to be pleased.

In the ensuing conversation, Jake tells the Gunslinger that he has been appearing in the boy's dreams, and then shows Roland the sketches. Roland realizes Jake has the Shine and decides to get the boy back home before the Man in Black finds him. He also warns Jake not to use his talent because the Man in Black can use that to track him down. This throws a real wrench into Roland's plan to hunt down the Man in Black and take revenge for killing Roland's father, Steven (Dennis Haysbert). The Man in Black is sending his minions out to collect gifted children so he can plug them into his machine and use their power to attack the Dark Tower. it's sort of how the Skeksis in The Dark Crystal use the Podlings as a source of vitality, but even more murdery and disturbing, because it's not puppets this time.

All this fuss...Over a big, pointy rock.

Roland decides that Jake's visions must mean something, so they head toward a village where a seer can explain them. Along the way, they are attacked by one of the Man in Black's monsters, but Roland shoots it a lot and they get away, although Roland's shoulder is injured by a giant stinger that leaves a pretty large hole. They continue on tot he village, and when the seer touches Jake to see his visions, the Man in Black's minions attack, killing people and setting things on fire like crazy! Roland, itching to shoot something in the face, steps up and does that to just about anything that looks like it is attacking, including an amazing shot from about half a mile away, killing one of the monsters that has grabbed Jake and took off running through the surrounding cornfields.

Back in New York, the Man in Black goes to Jake's home and kills Lon with a simple phrase: "Stop breathing." He then interrogates Laurie and reads her thoughts, seeing Jake's drawings of him, and then berating Laurie for not believing her own son. It does not end well for her.

Kind of a jerk. Also hangs out with dangerously thin women. Weird,

Back in the village, Jake tells Roland there is a portal back to New York, and the villagers activate their own and send the two of them through it, where the emerge in some kind of restaurant. Jake keeps Roland from shooting everybody, and then they go to the hospital to get treatment for Roland's injuries. It's a pretty funny scene, actually, as Roland attempts to explain how he was injured without letting the doctors and nurses know he's from another universe. They then go to Jake's home so Jake can check-in with his mother. What they find is a pile of ashes in Jake's bedroom, and a smiley face with the words "hello there" written on the wall in those same ashes. As a distraction and an attempt to comfort Jake, Roland teaches him how to shoot a gun, while also teaching him the Gunslinger's Creed. As they speak each line, Jake's aim improves, giving him the ability to calm himself enough to make a good shot. If you are expecting this newfound talent to show up later in the film, you will be sorely disappointed.

Having shot some harmless bottles to get out some aggression, Roland needs more ammunition, so Jake takes him to a local gun shop, where Roland sticks his gun in the shopkeeper's face and takes all of his bullets. As they're leaving, the Man in Black shows up and confronts Roland while locking Jake out of the store. Although Roland shoots at the Man in Black, the bullets go right through him because he's not actually there. Roland tells Jake to run, but the boy is almost instantly caught by the Man in Black's goons and taken to their base. Jake sees the code they put in to take him to the base, and he uses his Shine to let Roland know so he can get there, as well. Roland heads back to the portal to rescue Jake.

"I'm gonna shoot a buncha people, is what I'm gonna do!"

But will he make it? Or will the Man in Black vacuum Jake's power out and use it to destroy the Dark Tower? Will there be Gelflings involved? How about Ewoks? Can we get a couple of Ewoks up in here? And will Roland finally be able to face-off with the Man in Black? Who will win?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake likes the movie, although he feels like he would have enjoyed it more if he had not read the source material beforehand. Efforts are made to avoid comparing it to the books, but those fail miserably when Derek makes a joke about Roland's lack of a hat. (A sticking point with Jake.)

Derek is blissfully ignorant of the books--he's aware of them, but has not read them. He is, therefore, probably the best possible audience for this film, and absolutely enjoyed it. Well, mostly. His biggest problem with it is all the mumbling. For all the action, everyone sounds really bored.

So fire up your portal, put on your cowboy cosplay costume and tune in to this week's episode!

Hercules in New York

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We all love Greek Mythology, right? Sure! Who doesn't! And when you add a young, muscle-bound, heavily-dubbed Arnold Schwarzenegger (aka Arnold "Mr. Universe" Strong) to the mix, as well as human-turtle hybrid Arnold Stang and a loose bear in Central Park, how much better could it possibly get?

The answer, unfortunately, is that it could get so much better. So. Much. Better.

Even a chariot racing through Times Square doesn't help.

Hercules is discontent with just hanging around Mount Olympus. He needs to get out and spread his wings. He needs to meet new people. He needs to dry-hump unsuspecting mortal women in the back of a carriage. And he needs to do it now. So he begs his father, Zeus (Ernest Graves), to let him go down to Earth and interact with the puny humans. Zeus is not keen on the idea, but it turns out that he is not the hardass he is depicted as in all those stories we read in elementary school. Defying his father, Hercules heads out, landing in the ocean, where he is picked up by a fishing vessel and is tasked with tossing other crew members around. He gets to work immediately, but decides to leave the ship when it gets into port in New York.

He is not, however, in a hurry to find any shirts.

The captain of the ship (Rudy Bond) is not too happy with Hercules just wandering off the ship (who will toss the crew around now?!), so he sends some thugs to drag the demigod back. It goes about as well for them as you might expect. And as the fight is happening, a local who sells pretzels on the dock and calls himself "Pretzie" (although it is entirely possible that Pretzie is his given name, because New York is weird) spots Hercules and decides that he needs to befriend this lumbering buttsteak, possibly to work as muscle for him, allowing Pretzie to charge whatever he wants for his pretzels without fear of repercussion. We do not pretend to know Pretzie's motivations, but he is clearly a pretty shifty dude.

After briefly assaulting a forklift, Hercules joins Pretzie in a cab ride through Central park, where they happen to find the Olympic team practicing. Hercules decides that he needs to get in there and show these bozos how to throw a discus and a javelin, and after some brief interaction with the coach, he is allowed to try and, of course, blows them all away with his amazing strength. So much so, in fact, that Pretzie bets one of the athletes fifty bucks, which he doesn't have, that Hercules can do better than their best guys at everything, which he does, of course.

Sure, they look weird together, but the sex is amazing.

In the random crowd watching all of this, Professor Camden (James Karen) and his daughter Helen (Deborah Loomis) see what transpires, and Dr. Camden immediately invites Pretzie and Hercules to tea. For some reason--most likely because it is 1969--Pretzie assumes that, by "tea", Dr. Camden means "drugs, most likely LSD." Pretzie is a weird guy. After Dr. Camden explains that he did not, in fact, offer Pretzie and his beefy, now-shirtless friend hallucinogens, they agree and head back to Pretzie's place to get cleaned up, apparently taking a few minutes to buy an enormous suit and several huge sweaters for Hercules on the way.

When they arrive at Dr. Camden's home, they are greeted by Helen, and Hercules, being a big, dumb lunkhead, immediately offends her. And then Helen's boyfriend Rod (Harold Burstein) shows up, so Hercules asks them if they are lovers, and a sort of fight ensues. Well, not really a fight, as such. Rod, defending Helen's purity, takes a couple of swings at Hercules, who then picks up Rod over his head and shakes him like a British nanny. We learn later that this violent jostling cracked two of Rod's ribs, but only makes him love Hercules more. He's a complex fella.

"Oh no! It appears my shirt has disappeared again and my enormous
pectorals can been seen by everybody! I am so embarrassed!"

Helen, for her part, acts as though every single dumb word that comes spilling out of Hercules' giant head offends her to her core, but only until the next scene, where the carriage cry humping mentioned above takes place. It is not to be consummated, however, because a bear that appears to know how to pick locks breaks out of the Central Park Zoo and goes on a rampage stroll through the park, where he bumps into Hercules and Helen. Hercules jumps out of the carriage to wrestle with the bear, while Helen stays in the carriage and yells, "HIT HIM! BEAT HIM UP!"

Dr. Camden convinces Pretzie that Hercules should get into professional wrestling to pay for more enormous clothing, and Pretzie agrees. Hercules, always happy to toss people around, also agrees and quickly works his way up the ranks. As he gets more popular, some gangsters, led by Artie Lange replicant Maxie (Merwin Goldsmith), pressure Pretzie into signing Hercules' contract over to them. Pretzie does, and immediately falls into a spiral of alcoholism that will, no doubt, shorten his already fragile life significantly.

Back on Mount Olympus, an angry Zeus demands to know where Hercules is and why nobody will listen to him. He first sends Mercury (Dan Hamilton) down to try and talk Hercules into returning. When that fails, he decides to send Nemesis (Taina Elg) to get him back home, but she is stopped by Venus (Erica Fitz), who instead instructs Nemesis to just take Herc's godly powers away from him. Again, defying the Father of the Gods without a second thought, Nemesis goes down to Earth and slips Hercules a roofie while he's out on a date with helen (who, you will recall, is supposed to hate him).

"Somebody bring me my re bar lightning bolts!"

The next day(?), Hercules must meet with another wrestler, Monstro (Tony "Mr. World" Carroll), in a contest. Not a wrestling contest, mind you...It's a weightlifting contest. So both men don their tiniest shorts and lift heavy things until Hercules, now without his super strength, fails to lift one thousand pounds. It is a sad day for Hercules, who throws down his fuzzy robe and stamps his tiny feet with incoherent rage. The gangsters who own his contract now are also angry because they lost a bunch of money on this contest, and a chase ensues. But will Hercules and his friends get away? Will at least one chariot be involved? Will Hercules return home? Or will he stay with Pretzie and blast Helen whenever he can? And what happened to Rod? Also, will Juno (Tanny McDonald) make some sort of sketchy deal with Pluto (Michael Lipton) that will result in Hercules spending a century in Hell?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake believes there is nothing redeeming about this movie. He is not wrong. It is garbage. The only way to enjoy it is with friends, so you can make fun of it. And if you do, get the version with Arnold's voice undubbed. Make soft pretzels. Every time he mispronounces his own name, eat a pretzel. It's fun!

Derek also finds nothing of use in this movie. Both were confused by Pretzie's lack of pretzels after his opening scene, and it is never addressed in the rest of the movie. Instead, he becomes as wrestling manager and drinks himself into oblivion. A fitting end, really.

So grease up your pecs, put on some really tiny shorts, and tune in to this week's episode!

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

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As Halloween is already nearly upon us, the guys had a quandary on their hands. Did they want to go with classic horror films again? Or did they want to pick something newer, to appeal to a younger audience? After tens of minutes discussing it, they decided to go with both and watch remakes of well-known horror films! And the first one they decided to start with was the 2006 remake of Wes Craven's already disturbing 1977 film, The Hills Have Eyes.

It starts out with Jeb (Tom Bower), the owner of a gas station out in the middle of the New Mexico desert, trying to quit some kind of business deal with someone named Pluto (Michael Bailey Smith), although what the deal is, is somewhat vague. What is definitely involved is a satchel full of jewelry and a Styrofoam box containing a human ear that appears to have been recently removed from its owner.

The next day(?), a big travel trailer pulled by a pickup truck pulls in to get some gas and maybe some directions. That's where we meet Big Bob (Ted Levine) and his family, including his wife Ethel (Kathleen Quinlan), son Bobby (Dan Byrd), youngest daughter Brenda (Emile de Ravin), oldest daughter Lynn (Vinessa Shaw), Lynn's husband Doug (Aaron Stanford), and their own child Catherine (Maisie Camilleri Preziosi). They also have a pair of German shepherds named Beauty and Beast. Beauty escapes the trailer and runs into the main office of the gas station, and when Lynn goes looking for her, Jeb is a little freaked-out to find them in there, as he is worried that Lynn saw what was in the satchel, which was sitting on the desk.

Jeb offers a shortcut to Bob, telling him he can cut an hour off his trip through the desert, as they are leaving and getting everyone back in the trailer. Bob thanks him and they are on their merry way...

You can totally trust this guy for directions.

...for all of about five minutes, when Bob drives the truck over some spikes that suddenly pop up out of the ground, causing him to lose control and crash the truck into the one and only giant rock in the area, pretty much totaling the vehicle. Somehow, nobody in injured, despite going from about fifty-ish miles-per-hour to zero almost instantly.

After assessing the damage, Bob decides that what he needs to do is send Doug out into the desert to try and find someone that can help him, while Bob himself heads off in the direction where he knows the gas station to be. He loads his big ol' .44 Magnum and he and Doug head off in different directions, leaving their wives and three children, one of whom is an infant, with the now immobile truck and trailer. That seems safe.

Brenda has already established a spot to sun herself, while Lynn and Ethel prepare food. Beauty gets out of the trailer and takes off running into the desert, so Bobby goes looking for her. When he finds her, she is dead and almost entirely gutted, causing Bobby to--quite reasonably--run away, but he falls down a pretty good drop, knocking him out.

Meanwhile, Mom and the baby relax.

As Bobby lies unconscious at the bottom of the pit, a physically deformed young girl, whom we later discover is named Ruby (Laura Ortiz), stands over him, watching him, but then notices that Goggle (Ezra Buzzington), is watching both of them, and she stays to keep Goggle away from Bobby.

Things aren't faring much better for Big Bob, who makes it back to the gas station, only to find that it looks like Jeb has abandoned it. He takes a look around, finds a bunch of articles in the office about disappearances and nuclear testing in the area, as well as the severed ear, and decides it's probably time to leave. He goes outside, but stops when he hears sounds coming from the outhouse. He finds Jeb in there, sobbing and holding a shotgun. Bob tries to talk to him, but Jeb keeps crying and finally blows his own head off. Bob definitely thinks it is time to leave, but he hears laughter around him and, after firing several random shots around the area, dives into Jeb's car and tries to start it. However, before he can, he hears the laughter in the back seat, and when he turns, he finds Papa Jupiter (Billy Drago), who smashes Bob's head against the windshield.

Doug is doing arguably much better than the other two. He finds a giant crater with a bunch of abandoned cars, and he goes picking through them to find some stuff. He grabs a few things and heads back to the trailer.

In a world gone mad...Good Boys still need to go walkies.

Bobby awakens and returns to the trailer, but he doesn't mention Beauty being killed. Doug returns as Ethel is cleaning Bobby's cuts from his fall. Later that night, they are awakened by screams heard outside. Brenda stays with the baby, and everyone else goes outside to investigate, where they find Bob tied to a stake and set on fire. While everybody is trying to save Bob, Pluto and Lizard (Robert Joy) run into the trailer and attack Brenda. Lizard smacks her around and rapes her.

Lynn enters the trailer to find Lizard and Pluto. As Lizard holds Bob's gun on the baby, he nurses from Lynn, which is super gross. Then Ethel comes in and Lizard shoots her, so Lynn grabs a nearby screwdriver and stabs lizard in the leg, causing him to shoot her in the head. Pluto grabs the baby, and Lizard tries to shoot Brenda, but he is out of bullets. He tells her, "I'll be back for you," and runs off with Pluto.

Although they put out the fire, Doug and Bobby couldn't save Bob. They go back to the trailer and find Lynn and Ethel dead, and Brenda in the process of a deserved meltdown. Out in the hills, Goggle was watching all of this go down and enjoying himself immensely, until Beast attacked and killed him, ripping his throat out.

Little sister Brenda is not going to help with dishes.

The next day, Doug sets out with Beast to find baby Catherine. They make their way back to the craters and find a small town made of houses that were built for nuclear testing, so there are lots of mannequins around and it is really unsettling. Also, Cyst (Greg Nicotero) is wandering around, and he's pretty unsettling all on his own. Doug finds the house where the baby is being kept and tries to sneak in and take her back. As he is leaving, he comes face-to-face with Big Mama (Ivana Turchetto), who knocks him out and stuff him in a freezer full of body parts.

Back at the trailer, Bobby is setting up tripwires and traps, while Brenda is setting tires on fire in the hope that someone will see the smoke and rescue them. When the tripwire is activated, they discover someone has stolen Ethel's body, and Bobby follows the trail of blood, only to find Papa Jupiter sitting on the ridge, eating Ethel's heart. Bobby responds by shooting at him, which seems like a good idea. And then he runs.

Doug awakens and has a bit of a rough time trying to get out of the freezer. When he does, he finds the wheelchair-bound Big Brain (Desmond Askew), who explains that these mutants were doing this because the government had chased them into the mines and set off nuclear bombs, so they were left with few option. And then Cyst shows up...

Excedrin Headache #358.

But what about Beast? Doug left him in a car to fend for himself! Will he get out? Will Doug survive his run-in with Cyst and save Catherine? Will Bobby and Brenda's traps keep them from becoming hors d'oeuvres for Big Brain and the rest (which they will no doubt pronounce "horse divorce")? And what's the deal with Ruby? No, really; what is her deal?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek really liked this, although he felt the first half was kind of aimless, aside from the almost constant murder. He also believes that Beast is the only real hero in this film. Everyone else did what they did to survive. Beast did it because he is a badass.

Jake is also a big fan. He loves the special effects and the gore, as well as the cast and the direction. There's really not a lot of bad that can be said about this one. And believe us, they tried! He also thinks the story in the first half was kind of light, but it still made for a fun watch.

So make sure your dog is with you, pile into the family camper, and tune in to this week's episode!

Schlock

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For the first time in what felt like forever, all three of the guys got together! And to celebrate, they finally sat down to watch Larry's pick from months ago, John  Landis' first film, 1973's Schlock, starring John Landis as the monster, Saul Kahan as Detective Sgt. Wino, Joseph Piantadosi as Ivan, Richard Gillis as Officer Gillis, Harriet Medin as Mrs. Blinerman, Eliza Garrett as Mindy Blinerman, and a cast of almost nobody that you would recognize.

When over 700 people turn up dead over a couple of days, police have nothing to go on, other than banana peels left all over the crime scenes. Thus, the Banana Killer is loose in this small town, free to kill at will.

A group of four teens find a hole leading to a cavern, where one of the teens finds an ape-like beast that beats him to death. A second teen goes looking for him, and is also killed due to his own inability to recognize the monster, choosing instead to interrupt it beating his friend to death. The two remaining teens--the girlfriends of these two victims--go to the police, who only seem vaguely interested in their story, despite them bringing him a severed and mummified head they found at the site.

A severed head? Gross.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in town, Mindy is being released form the hospital, having undergone surgery to repair her eyes after being involved in some kind of accident. She is still bandaged, but her mother thinks it would be good for her to go in the yard and get some air. While Mindy is out there, she finds what she believes to be a dog, but which is actually the monster, Schlock. She throws a stick for it to fetch, causing it to get more and more frustrated that she won't hold onto it. Before long, Mindy's mother comes out to bring her back in, causing Schlock to run away.

Why are you like this?!

Over at the cavern, a TV crew and a bunch of scientists have arrived to investigate, sending one of the scientists down into the hole, while the TV host talks to people on the scene, including a woman who was able to guess how many complete people were in several bags of body parts at the last crime scene. Schlock arrives on the scene, takes part in an interview, and then rips the reporter's arm off.

Mindy gets her bandages removed, and the surgery worked; she can see! She and her boyfriend go out in the yard to make out, and Schlock sees this, causing him to freak out, because he apparently was in love with her. He attacks, but Mindy's boyfriend is able to fend him off with some road flares that just happen to be laying around. Frustrated again, Schlock runs away and goes to the movies. Seriously.

No, really.

At the theater, Schlock sneaks into a double feature of The Blob and Dinosaurus, where people keep sitting in front of him and blocking his view. But, again...nobody acknowledges that this is a murderous apeman. Goofiness ensues, as one might expect, including Schlock taking a young boy to the bathroom, waiting patiently, and then taking him back. Nobody...says...a...word.

After the movie, Schlock attacks some random woman at her home (after politely ringing the doorbell), and then heads back into town, where he crashes a dance. While he's there, he watches a couple making out and sneaks into the man's car to surprise him and kill him. He has had a busy day.

Heck hath no fury like a monkey scorned,

The next day, while strolling around town, as monsters do, he is almost run over by a douchebag who yells at him to watch where he's going. Schlock calmly drags the man out of his car, rips out the seat and places the man on it, then begins to tear the car to pieces. He also goes to a baseball game and causes a disruption there, although one of the kids just isn't that impressed with him and blows raspberries at him until Schlock gets tired of him and throws him...somewhere far away? Wherever he lands, there's a pool, and it's clearly nowhere near the baseball diamond, which is in the middle of nowhere.

Throughout all of this, Detective Wino and Ivan are trying to figure out what's going on. At one point, Wino puts on an ape mask, hoping to convince the creature to follow him out of a house, allowing the police to shoot it a lot. It doesn't go as planned, and Detective Wino gets shot(?) instead, although you wouldn't know it by the way he reacts to it.

Body parts, anyone?

When Schlock finally gets around to taking Mindy hostage and climbing a building, Wino calls the "National Guard", which appears to be some kind of doughy guy militia sort of thing. But can they save Mindy?

And what about Schlock? Will they kill him? Will Wino ever do anything right? What, to paraphrase Wino, is wrong with Ivan? And the most important question of all: How did John Landis get work after this?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry absolutely loves this movie. He says it's right in his wheelhouse, and feels like it was made for him, despite not being born when it came out. Maybe that makes Landis a very specific kind of visionary?

Jake thinks it's okay, and he's into Rick Baker's effects work. He thinks that all the perceived flaws are a part of the movie itself, being as it is an homage to the drive-in horror films of the 1950s.

Derek just doesn't get it. He gets what they were going for, but he feels like it was too far over to the comedy side, and not nearly as horrific as it should have been. Also, the acting is not great. Woof.

So get some bananas, give up all hope, and tune in to this week's episode!

Tank Girl

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In another failed attempt to watch John Landis' first film, Schlock, due to Larry not being able to make it to the session, Derek and Jake sat down to watch a classic 90s comic book movie that doesn't involve muscly dudes in spandex body suits: 1995's Tank Girl, starring Lori Petty, Naomi Watts, Malcolm McDowell, Ice-T, Don Harvey, Jeff Kofer, Reg E. Cathey, Scott Coffey, Stacy Linn Ramsower and Iggy Pop, among others.

Rebecca (Petty) lives in a commune with her boyfriend (Brian Wimmer), several other adults, and a number of what appear to be feral children, in a futuristifc, post-Apocalyptic world that is all but completely without water. What little water there is, is claimed and controlled by a massive company called Water & Power, run by Kesslee (McDowell).

Water & Power have their own problems, because their outposts are regularly attacked by a mysterious group called The Rippers, thought to be some kind of mutant monsters.

Not a people person.

When the commune is attacked by Water & Power's army because there was an unauthorized water pump in the house, Rebecca's boyfriend and most of the other inhabitants of the house are killed, and one of the kids, Sam (Ramsower), is last seen screaming for Rebecca before being dragged back inside the house. Rebecca is subdued after killing a number of soldiers, and taken back to Water & Power headquarters, where she meets Kesslee and immediately pisses him off, so she gets put in the hard labor pool.

After a hard day at work, Rebecca hears another prisoner who is also a flight mechanic, Jet Girl (Watts) being harassed by a Water & Power officer (Harvey), so she intercedes, making a friend in Jet, who isn't quite sure what to make of Rebecca.

But she seems so normal...

The next day, Rebecca sneaks into the motor pool and tries to steal a tank. Unfortunately, because she doesn't have a security code, she triggers a cyanide gas release in the tank, which almost kills her before Jet, who does have access codes due to her status as a mechanic, saves her.

This entire scene is watched by Kesslee, who decides to interrogate Rebecca because he thinks she might know where the Rippers are. When she refuses to answer any questions, he puts her in a straight jacket and drops her down a long tube to think about whether she wants to help. At the same time, the officer who was harassing Jet takes away her flight status to punish her for helping Rebecca. After a while, Kesslee pulls Rebecca out of the tube and tells her they are going to use her as bait for the Rippers, who have attacked another outpost and killed a bunch of Water & Power soldiers.

That night, they all go to the scene of the last attack and prepare to send Rebecca out, but before it can happen, the Rippers attack, killing almost everyone except Rebecca. Jet, who has stolen a plane, goes looking for her and finds her, hoping to get the two of them out of there, but Rebecca refuses to leave without her tank, and they two of them take off to go find Sam.

Traveling in style!

In their travels, they find another house where a woman has some of Sam's personal effects, and after they convince the woman they aren't from Water & Power, she tells them they can find Sam at a place called Liquid Silver, which appears to be a kind of gentlemen's club, but for super-creepy pervs. After a quick montage of Jet and Rebecca, who is now officially Tank Girl, personalizing their chosen vehicles, they head out to Liquid Silver.

When they arrive, Rebecca sneaks into the club somehow, and Jet steals some woman's clothes so she can sneak in, too. At the same time, The Madam of the club (Ann Magnuson), sends Sam off to do "a school girl thing" with a customer called Rat Face (Pop). Sam escapes from him and finds Rebecca, and the two of them find Jet and head out, but not before interrupting the evening's events for the club-goers to make The Madam sing Cole Porter's "Let's Do It", because why the hell not?

Completely normal.

The performance is interrupted by Water & Power soldiers who, once again, capture Sam, leaving Rebecca and Jet to go after her one more time, completely unaware that Kesslee has survived the Ripper attack and has a new robotic arm, as well as his head removed and replaced with...something else? But this time, Rebecca wants to recruit The Rippers to help, so she and Jet head out into the desert to find them, which they inadvertently do, only to discover that The Rippers are, in fact, human/kangaroo hybrids created by a mysterious man named Johnny Prophet. Rebecca takes a liking to one of them, Booga (Kofer), who also has some dog DNA in him (because he was a good dog), and another, Donner (Coffey) is really into Jet, who doesn't seem to be as interested. Another Ripper, T-Saint (Ice-T) doesn't trust either of them and suggests they kill both Rebecca and Jet. He is outvoted by the others, who choose instead to test them by sending them to get pictures of a weapons delivery headed to Water & Power headquarters.

Rebecca and Jet sneak onto the site and get the pictures by pretending to be a photography crew making a Water & Power calendar, and then a plan is hatched to steal the weapons. It goes as well as it can, and Rebecca manages to get the trailer that has the crates on it, but when they get the crates back to the Rippers' underground lair, they discover most of them filled with dirt, with the exception of one, which holds the remains of Johnny Prophet. Naturally, the Rippers are upset, and they make a plan to take down Water & Power for good.

Again, nothing strange here...

But will it work? Will they shut down the evil company for good? Will Kesslee's head replacement work like it's supposed to? Will Rebecca and Booga go on to live happily ever after? Will Donner continue to dry-hump Jet every chance he gets? Oh, and will Sam be saved?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake was pleased to realize he enjoyed this as much as, if not more than, when he first saw it back in 1995. He also points out that Tank Girl is the empowered female hero for people who think Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman was a bit too stuffy and proper. He does, however, have some issues with the technology used for Kesslee's head replacement. Also, a musical number?! Really?!

Derek has liked this movie since he first saw it, and has never wavered in his appreciation of it. He also thinks that a reboot should include Paul F. Tompkins as the Ripper T-Saint, doing his killer Ice-T impression. If you haven't heard it, you should. He is also okay with the musical number because it was in such an absurd place, and Joan Jett was singing on it. What's not to dig?

So put on your weirdest post-Apocalyptic outfit, climb into the military vehicle of your choice, and check out this week's episode!

Duel

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, the guys were unable to have everybody here, as Larry's dad was in town visiting him, so Derek and Jake decided to put John Landis' first film, Schlock, on hold, choosing instead to watch another director's first: Steven Spielberg's 1971 originally made-for-TV movie that was later released to theaters with extra footage, Duel.

Based on a Richard Matheson story, Duel stars Dennis Weaver and almost nobody else, other than a mysterious truck driver whose face we never see, played by Carey Lofton, that is bent on killing him because he had the nerve to pass the truck on a more-or-less empty highway. This film is, essentially, Road Rage: The Movie, and it is mostly scenes of him driving and trying not to be killed by the evil trucker.

Just your average Murder Truck.

Dennis Weaver is David Mann, a guy who is driving home from some sort of business meeting to try keeping his wife (Jaqueline Scott) from leaving him(?) because one of David's friends, in her words, "practically raped" her at a party. Naturally, David is in a hurry to save his marriage, and things are going well until he gets stuck behind a tanker truck that is moving slower than he wants to be. When he passes the truck, the driver takes it personally and decides right then to murder David with his truck. Apparently, truckers were super-sensitive back then.

Especially about poorly-chosen paint color.

What follows is a lot of cat-and-mouse chases, stops at a place called Chuck's Cafe (pronounced as one word in the movie: "Chuckskufeh") that results in David getting his ass handed to him due to his own failed attempt to confront the guy he thinks is the truck driver that it terrorizing him, a visit to a gas station/snake farm that ends poorly for all involved, including the snakes, an attempt by David to push-start a school bus full of obnoxious children, numerous interactions with elderly people who don't believe the truck exists until it's too late, and a bunch of teasing by the murder truck as David spends more and more time looking like a concerned Burt Reynolds.

The real problem.

It all boils down to a final face-off between David and the truck out in the middle of the desert. But how will it end? And what's the deal with the trucker? Will he ever wash his truck? It's filthy! Will David make it home? Will his wife stay with him? Will any of these questions be answered?

You'll have to tune in to find out! But don't count on it.

Derek liked it, but it was a bit...empty. He also thought Dennis Weaver looked weird without a cowboy hat on. Still, for Spielberg's first film, it was pretty good. Not as many horror-like elements as he would have expected, but still good.

Jake liked it, and felt that it had an almost Twilight Zone feel to it. He was a little concerned about the addition of the wife's arc, but it was never concluded, so there are too many questions. (See the ones listed above.) Also, the font used in the opening credits was a little too cheerful for this type of film.

So gas up your bright orange Plymouth Valiant, put on your most uncomfortably tight Sans-a-belt slacks, and listen this week's episode!

Re-View: The Blob

To listen/download, click here!

Jake couldn't make it to the recording this time around because of work stuff, but that's okay because the guys were re-watching 1958's The Blob for Larry's benefit. Whether he actually did benefit from it is up for debate, as he did not seem especially impressed with the story of Steve (played by a young Steven McQueen) and his deep, abiding love for a murderous lump of phlegm from outer space. Joining Steve in this whirlwind romance are Aneta Corseaut as Jane, Earl Rowe as Lt. Dave, Stephen Chase as Dr. Hallen, John Benson as Sgt. Jim (a bitter veteran and police officer), and a whole bunch of has-beens and never-wases! (You can hear the original podcast here!)

When a meteor falls to Earth, a weird old man who lives in the woods (Olin Howlin) abandons his small dog to go poke the meteor with a stick. It seems the meteor is just a hard candy shell for the flesh-eating nougat within, much like a Cadbury Creme Egg, which also wants to kill you, but with diabetes. Young Steve and his girlfriend Jane see the meteor go down and head out to find it. Instead, they find the end result--the weird old man with his arm encased in murder snot. They put him in Steve's car and take him to Dr. Hallen, who looks at the goo and frowns a lot.

Gross.

Steve and Jane, meanwhile, meet up with Steve's hoodlum friends to race cars backwards, only to get busted by Officer Dave, the sensible cop. Dave lets them off with a warning after Steve jabbers incoherently at him for a little bit. Realizing they are unstoppable, Steve and the gang decide to investigate the old man's cabin by breaking in and stealing his dog, and checking out the site where the meteor landed.

Must...not...laugh...

At the same time, Dr. Hallen discovers that the goo monster has completely consumed the old man, so he calls for a nurse, just in case the goo is still hungry. She arrives and freaks out, so Dr. Hallen throws some stuff at the goo and tries to shoot it, which is about as effective as trying to pick up a sleeping cat. The goop attacks Dr. Hallen, just in time for Steve and Jane to arrive to check on the old man, and Steve sees Dr. Hallen being eaten. When Jane comes to look, the dog--clearly the smartest member of the cast--runs away.

But I hate cranberry sauce!

Steve and Jane decide to go to the police. (About Dr. Hallen being eaten; the dog will have to wait.) They are met by Sgt. Jim, who hates all teenagers because he thinks they all resent his war record. He isn't impressed by their story of murder snot, but Officer Dave steps in and offers to go take a look at Dr. Hallen's house, much to Sgt. Jim's disappointment. What they find is a mostly undisturbed and unoccupied house. They do find Dr. Hallen's rifle, which has recently been fired, but that's not enough to impress them, so they blow off the whole thing after speaking to Dr. Hallen's maid, who tells them that he is out of town all weekend for a conference.

Steve and Jane go on their way and accidentally find the dog cowering at the local grocery store. As they get it, they realize they store is still unlocked, despite being well past closing time. So, in the way of teenagers everywhere in movies (even 30-year-old teenagers like these), they go inside to see what's up. They find nobody inside, but after knocking over a bunch of stuff (causing Jane to drop the dog, which runs away again), they notice the hate-phlegm oozing toward them and run into the meat locker, only to discover that it won't follow them in there.

You're gonna wanna go up your ass and to the left to get away.

After what they deem a safe amount of time, they leave the cooler and go find their friends, all of whom are at the movies, and ask them to help get the rest of the town's attention so they can warn everyone about the booger creature. Always up for causing some mayhem, their buddies agree and leave, just in time to avoid being attacked by the evil loogie, unlike everyone else in the theater.

The cops show up and check out the grocery store, but Sgt. Jim doesn't find anything and threatens to arrest everybody. Before he can, however, the crowd from the theater comes running out and into the streets because the goop is chasing them. In the confusion, Jane's little brother, who should have been in bed a long time ago, appears out of nowhere and tries to shoot the monster with his cap gun. When that doesn't work, the little bastard runs into a nearby diner to observe the carnage to come. Steve and Jane follow him in there, just in time for the diner to be covered by the angry gelatin monster.

Murder craisin! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Will they survive? Or will they be consumed slowly, in what could possibly be the grossest way possible? And what about the cops? Will they finally realize Steve and the gang weren't lying? Will Sgt. Jim come to understand that his perception of the kids' disrespect for him is nothing more than the manifestation of his own insecurities? Or will he finally snap and go on a killing spree, the likes of which the small town has never seen before or since? Also, where the heck is the dog? And is he an accomplice to the murder goo?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry did not care for this movie because all the teenagers looked the same age as the adults. Also, he was worried about the little doggie. His biggest problem, however, was that he felt there was "too much story." That's one he'll have to explain himself.

Derek liked it the first time, and he still does. He has learned to appreciate the natural feel of the dialogue, and he also spent most of the movie hoping Sgt. Jim would snap and possibly pistol-whip Steve and his friends. He, too, is worried about the little doggie, but suspects it was up to something nefarious.

So stock up on Kleenex and Mucinex, fire up that Neti Pot, and listen this week's episode!

Re-View: Invasion U.S.A. (1952)

To listen/download, click here!

Dateline, 1952! The Red Scare takes hold of the country! McCarthyism is on the rise, as Senator Joseph McCarthy prepares to begin his witch-hunt for supposed Communist sympathizers working withing the government, and then beyond!

In Hollywood, many are black-balled from working due to their ties to Communism! But not the folks in this little number, which features Gerald Mohr, Peggie Castle, Tom Kennedy, Dan O'Herlihy, Robert Bice, Erik Blythe, and not one, but two Lois Lanes! (Noel Neill and Phyllis Coates!)

And almost all of them drink their lunch away, because it's the goddamn fifties!

Yeah, the guys sat down to re-watch Invasion U.S.A., a propaganda film from 1952 that asks the question, what if some vaguely East European Communist country invaded the United States? And if this movie is any indicator, it involves lots of booze, breakfasts of coffee and cigarettes, and tiny generals who look like Kevin Pollock. You can read about and listen to the guys' original podcast here. (Jake wasn't there for it.)

And so, rather than go over the entire story again--basically, these booze hounds watch the invasion on the bar TV, and then, one-by-one, are picked off by Commie soldiers dressed in U.S. military outfits--they're going to discuss some of the more disturbing things they saw.

Such as Tim the bartender's weird, lumpy head.

First off, one of the things the guys noticed was the abundance of World War II stock footage of dogfights and planes crashing into the ocean and various ships. While that adds a solid amount of realism to the look of the film, it is also very clear that a lot of people died unaware that their deaths would be used as a political entertainment. It's almost as disturbing as the cow that was blatantly murdered onscreen in Atomic War Bride. But at least these guys were fighting for their countries.

In between stock shots, actors dressed as soldiers shot each other in the junk.

Then there's Vince and Carla's brief but fiery romance. As best as the guys can tell, Vince met Carla at the bar around lunchtime on a weekday. Not long after, the first enemy planes are spotted over Alaska. When the bar clears out almost completely so each of the patrons can go home to their families or, in the case of George, the guy who brought Carla there in the first place, to his factory, Vince and Carla stick around and let romance bloom. (Although the moment was almost ruined when a paperboy showed up. Best walk-on ever. Watch the movie embedded below, or just start it at about 28:07; it lasts about twenty seconds, but is so worth it.)

Sometime later that day(?), Carla has become a Red Cross nurse, and Vince has spent the intervening time trying to enlist, although he keeps getting refused. It appears to be minutes later when they are smoking their breakfast (or possibly just a late afternoon post-coital protein refill) and discussing what they intend to do for the rest of their lives, which, at this pace, will be about fifteen to twenty more minutes. And not long after that, Vince is reading the news on the radio as the studio is taken over by the vaguely East European Communists. In a few short seconds, he is whisked back to Carla's place by a pair of alcoholic enemy soldiers. When one of them makes a play for Carla, Vince intervenes, only to be shot. Carla, taking the initiative, jumps out the window, ending her life. All in what appears to be less than twenty-four hours. And you think your schedule is hectic!

All dead, in hilariously dramatic fashion.

And what about the others? George and Ed (the "cattle racer"?) hire a cab when Lois Lane won't sell them airline tickets, and drive first to George's factory, where he is quickly dispatched by the tiny window cleaner guy who also happens to be a general in the Communist army. Ed and the cabbie then drive from New York to Arizona, where Ed lives with his family, in roughly twenty-five minutes. Unfortunately, as fast as that cab is, it isn't fast enough to outrun the flood caused by bombing the Hoover Dam, killing Ed, his family, and the cabdriver.

All because some creepy German-sounding hypnotist thought it would be a hoot to show these souses what it would be like if the country were invaded by the Commies. The only one who was pretty much left unaffected, at least until a building fell on him, was Tim the bartender. He was content to keep pouring drinks and yelling at the TV. Just like Derek's grandmother used to.

She used to have the same expression as Mr. Ohman, too.

But what about the others? Senator whatsisface? The loud guy who laughed too hard at himself? His embarrassed friends? You don't have to tune in to find out; they all died, as well. But if you want to, you can listen.

Jake was pleasantly surprised, and not just because there was no Chuck Norris beating people up in this one. He actually quite enjoyed it, comparing it to Rod Serling's work. Not too shabby!

Derek still digs it. As before, he cannot figure out why this made it to Mystery Science Theater 3000, because it's really not a bad movie, if you can get behind the sort of goofy premise.

Larry also still enjoyed it. He can't wrap his head around the cab driver and the tiny general looking like the same guy (it's not; we checked), but he wouldn't let that get in the way of enjoying it again.

Want to watch the movie? Here ya go!

So have a drink, have another...You know what? Just leave the bottle. And check out this week's episode!

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (Director's Cut)

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, the guys were short a person (Jake was on vacation, camping with his family), so it was left to Derek and Larry to slog their way through this week's movie, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, Majel Barrett, Persis Khambatta, Stephen Collins, Grace Lee Whitney, and Mark Lenard.

Hot on the heels of the record-shattering box office of Star Wars, the folks at Paramount were looking for their own science fiction epic to rake in some of those sweet, sweet nerd dollars. And after trying and failing to bring their old franchise back to the small screen, it was decided to put it on the big screen. Budgets were made, then slashed. The old cast was re-hired, although Leonard Nimoy was not too keen on donning the pointy ears of years past, some new characters were added, and detailed models were built. Finally, filming began...

And, although it was almost painfully long, it still managed to bring in a pretty solid chunk of change. It wasn't Star Wars money, but it was clear that the army of the original television show were excited to see the further adventures of the Enterprise crew.

This adventure begins with a cloud. A big cloud. like, really big. And some Klingons. But not the Klingons of yesteryear; no, these Klingons had a whole new look, with ridges on their foreheads and severely receding hairlines, giving them the appearance of an irritated grandpa who doesn't understand that rock-and-roll music the kids seem to like these days.

True to form, the Klingons encounter the cloud and determine that the best way to deal with it is to shoot it with torpedoes, as one does. Unfortunately for them, the could basically swallows their torpedoes and retaliates with a murderous disco ball of sparks, instantly destroying all three of their ships.

Not just a cloud; A murderous space vagina!

Space Station Epsilon Nine intercepts the Klingons' transmission of the cloud attacking them, and they decide that they should probably warn the United Federation of Planets, being as the cloud is heading right for Earth. In turn, the Federation nominates the U.S.S. Enterprise to save the planet--again--because there are no other ships within range--again.

Admiral James T. Kirk (Shatner), sick of pushing papers at a desk all day, meets with his superior and demands to have the Enterprise given back to him, which, of course, happens. Now all he has to do is break it to the current captain, William Decker (Stephen Collins), who does not take the news well. He takes it even worse when Kirk informs him that, along with being demoted, he has to stick around as the Executive Officer.

And the finger pointing begins!

During Kirk and Decker's conversation, the transporter fails during a beam up of a pair of new crewmen, including Sonak (Jon Rashad Kamal), now-Captain Kirk's choice for Science Officer. As a result, the now demoted Commander Decker is also given double duty as the ship's acting Science Officer. Poor guy gets all the garbage dumped on him. But things improve for him when Ilia (Khambatta), the ship's new Deltan navigator, arrives. It seems she and Decker have a past of some kind.

Over on Vulcan, Spock (Nimoy) is taking part in the Kholinar ritual, which involves cleansing one's self of all emotion and becoming pure logic, or something like that. However, as he is about to be confirmed, he stops the ceremony because he is getting some kind of signal from somewhere out in space. He fails Kholinar.

The last crew member to arrive on the Enterprise before they leave is Dr. McCoy (Kelley), who is his usual cranky, possibly drunk self.

That guy on the left should really think about bangs.

Finally off and moving toward the cloud, Kirk demands they go to warp speed, which, due to an imbalance in the warp engines, immediately drags them into a wormhole with an asteroid that has the potential to destroy them before they even get out of the solar system. Decker saves the day, and Scotty (Doohan) is left to clean up the mess.

Not long after, the Enterprise is contacted by a Vulcan shuttle that drops Spock off. He's been listening to their communications and has figured out how to fix the warp engines, thereby cutting off one of Kirk's many options to kill as many crewmen as possible all at once. He is recommissioned and given the Science Officer position, relieving Decker of at least a little bit of the hassle he's had heaped upon him since Kirk took over. Time to get moving!

After what feels like hours of meandering shots of the Enterprise cruising along, they finally intercept the cloud, which is now only two days from Earth. As they try to make contact, the cloud sends a murderous disco ball after them. Fortunately, Spock figures out how to communicate with the cloud and transmits a peaceful message, and the cloud makes the disco ball disappear. Taking this as a tacit invitation, the Enterprise proceeds into the cloud.

Another mess for Scotty to clean up.

Almost immediately, a probe made of lightning and blinky lights boards the bridge and begins scanning the computers. Spock smashes his station's console in an attempt to stop it, which sort of works, although the probe zaps Spock and the disintegrates Ilia. Seconds later, the ship automatically goes to red alert again when an alien object appears in the crewmen's quarters. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Decker and Rand (Whitney) all go down to see what it is, because that seems like a safe idea. They discover an android--another probe--that looks almost exactly like Ilia, but with a monitoring device mounted on its throat. Although it isn't Ilia, it still appears to have some her memories, as it recognizes Decker, which leads to Kirk assigning Decker to keep an eye on it.

Now deep inside the cloud, the ship is forced to stop in front of a closed aperture. Spock decides he has to see what's beyond that, so he takes an EV suit with a rocket pack on it, and then he heads out into the cloud to see. He makes it through the aperture, and discovers an enormous memory bank that contains all the things the cloud, which is known as V'ger, has seen. At the end of it, Spock sees a giant representation of the probe and attempts a mind-meld, which does not go well; he gets pooped out of the aperture and has to be rescued by Kirk.

Persis Khambatta: Committed to indifference.

Back on the ship, the Ilia probe explains that V'ger is going to Earth to find its creator and, because it is clear the humans on the planet are an infestation that is causing the creator to not be able to respond, it's going to wipe those out, too. Thinkingt fast, Kirk says he known who the creator is, and would be happy to tell V'ger himself, but the Ilia probe refuses, demanding to be given the information. When Kirk further refuses and clears the bridge, the Ilia probe concedes and offers to take Kirk and his crew to meet V'ger.

But what is V'ger? And will Kirk manage to convince it not to kill everybody? Will Spock get the information he came looking for? Will McCoy and Scotty sober up enough to remember any of this happening? And will Decker get to do the one thing with the Ilia probe that he couldn't do with the real Ilia--touch them space boobies?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry was not impressed. It was a long movie that didn't really do much. Most of it was people staring at things, with occasional shots of the things they were staring at, mixed with bits of dialog. Dull, plodding dialog. But it's funny to imagine McCoy being hammered the entire time.

Derek also doesn't think it's a very good film, but he is fascinated that Kirk manages to maintain his rank despite his insatiable blood lust. The guy was responsible for two crewmen dying before they even got out of space dock! Also, Derek talks about sitting in the Captain's Chair, which deserves the capital letters.

That's right...This happened. (The Star Wars shirt was done intentionally, as a joke.)

So strap on your pointy ears, throckulate your perambulators (or the 21st century equivalent), live long and prosper, and listen this week's episode!