License to Drive

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Ah, the eighties...Remember those? Back when the colors were pastel and neon, the music was electronic, the shoulders were heavily padded, and the movies could be carried by two teenagers named Corey?

Well, this week, the guys took a trip back to 1988 and watched License to Drive, starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Heather Graham, and a bunch of other people most of you philistines wouldn't recognize if we put them in here.

"Yeah, Corey...We've got a looong future ahead of us! We'll live forever!"

Corey Haim is Les, a kid who is desperate to get his driver's license and madly in love with Mercedes (Heather Graham). His best friend, Dean (Feldman) is...well, we're not exactly sure what his purpose in this film is, as he really doesn't spend a lot of time in it. And when he does, he is usually being a colossal douche. (Obviously, they were casting to type here.)

When Les fails the written test of his driving exam, all hope is lost...until his parents fall asleep so he can steal his grandpa's car and take Mercedes out on a date.

Let us reiterate that last bit: Heather goddamn Graham actually wants to go out on a date with Corey fucking Haim.

In the background, you can see the plot imploding in on itself.

What follows is an all-night romp of crazy kookiness or some damn thing, including car chases, an oily Italian guy, riots, and Corey Feldman taking pictures of a drunk, passed-out Heather Graham's rack as they all cruise down the highway toward Stuckey's. Seriously.

Come to Stuckey's and try the Cosby Cocktail!

All the while, Corey Feldman maintains his (drastically misplaced) smugness, and Corey Haim looks confused and makes the viewer uncomfortable due to his inability to close his mouth over his tongue.

STOP IT!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Will the Coreys and the future Rollergirl make it through the evening without getting caught by the police, the parents, or the drunk guy who stole Grandpa's Caddy? Tune it to find out!

Larry almost instantly regrets choosing this movie because it does not hold up well. (Not that it was good to begin with or anything...)

Jake also regrets Larry choosing this movie, largely because there were so many good actors in this movie that were woefully underused so that everyone had to spend the majority of the 90-ish minutes of the film staring at the Coreys instead of people with real talent.

Derek regrets even becoming friends with Larry because of this film. Oh, he's seen worse, but none had anything in them as disturbing as Corey Haim's stupid tongue poking out of his stupid face. It gave Derek nightmares for two days, all of which looked vaguely like this:

So gross...

There's also a few items in The Lobby, movies Coming Soon, One Thing, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, and another thrilling round of Secret Identity! Not to mention a stunning number of digressions throughout the show!

So tune in and hear about the guys' proposed ideas for the other two parts of what was supposed to be a trilogy!