Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

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Let's assume you're the director of a wildly popular horror film about a family of cannibalistic hillbillies, one of whom is proficient in the lumberjacking trades. The film itself was a surprise hit, but a hit nonetheless, and, as a result, you got a job working for one of the most well-known names in Hollywood, directing a movie that more-or-less cemented your name as a guy who can make a solid film.

So what comes next? Maybe you get cold feet and decide to head back to the well that brought you this fame. Or maybe you felt you hadn't told the whole story, and now was your chance to do so, but with a better budget. Or, hell, maybe you were even contractually obligated. Whatever.

Unfortunately, what you end up with is a festering turd of a movie that is barely a dried, dead husk of the one that started it. The characters are horrible, the only returning actor is the one that looks like a Spittin' Image Ronald Reagan Puppet...

Uncanny!

...but hey! At least you got Dennis Hopper flailing around wildly with chainsaw while he quotes the Bible, right?

Hack 'n slash for JESUS!

Ya see, it turns out that the family from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre were never rounded up and prosecuted for killing and eating a bunch of middle-aged teens. Oh, and Chop-Top? The guy with the straight razor fetish who got run over by a truck at the end? Yeah, he got himself a metal plate in his head and is doing just fine.

And he joined Crosby, Stills & Nash...

After a couple of yuppie chunkheads make some trouble, mostly by shooting signs and mailboxes, as well as calling the local radio station to harass a DJ named Stretch, Chop-Top and company murder them, and not a moment too soon. Those guys totally had it coming to them.

During the police investigation, "Lefty" Enright (Hopper) starts poking around, hoping to find some clues as to who or what killed his nephew in the summer of 1973. After being told to keep out of it, he makes contact with Stretch, who has a recording of the murders, and she tries to deliver it to him at what appears to be a Sam Elliot convention.

Lefty tells stretch he wants her to play the tape on the air, hoping it will draw out the murderers, which, of course, it does. Chop-Top and Leatherface show up at the station, where they rummage through the record collection, and then Leatherface does some sort of weird masturbation/simulated chainsaw sex thing with Stretch, but not before he spends almost ten minutes just tearing up a tub full of ice and soda pop.

Because nothing says "sexy" like murderous beverage abuse and
chainsaw diddling!

For some reason, Leatherface takes a shine to Stretch, and shows her just how much he cares by cutting off her producer/engineer's face and putting it on her. Honest. That really happens. It's gross.

The two brothers then drag Stretch back to their new digs, under a theme park (of sorts) that is reminiscent of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' secret lair in the second movie. Lefty tracks them there, where he confronts them in what is possibly the most uninteresting chainsaw duel you will ever lay eyes on.

Jake is furious about Leatherface. And the guy that was hired to play him. Ya see, Bill Johnson is a very nonviolent kinda guy. And it shows. Basically, Leatherface is turned into a chainsaw-wielding puppy.

WHO'SAGOODBOY? WHO IS? YOU are! Yes you are!

Derek is obsessed with how much Jim Siedow looks like a Spittin' Image puppet. He's also upset that there wasn't more focus on his character winning an award for the best chili in Texas.

Larry wants to know what love is. He wants you to show him.

There's also a ton of SDCC news in The Lobby, Coming Soon, One Thing, Larry's List, and Hollywood Purgatory! Plus shout-outs to some of our pals!

So tune in and hack your way through this week's episode!