Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! Did you all enjoy your Easter? Was lots of ham and stuff consumed? Myself, I had bratwursts and watched a movie. Twice. (That will be explained in this week's episode...Trust me.) And I offered my opinion about the holiday.

Easter: Because if you believe a giant rabbit wants to give you chocolate and hides eggs for you, Zombie Jesus is easy!

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 27, 2016

As did others.

Jesus sleeps for 3 days and everyone goes mad. I spend 3 days in bed and I'm "Ruining easter" and "obviously have a drinking problem"

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 25, 2016

Today, everybody had to go back to work.

Yes, even the Easter Bunny had to go in.

Last week, however, everybody was reading about the newest steaming pile of news from the GOP presidential hopefuls, the most recent of which is the rumor (according to the National Enquirer, whose record of stories about this sort of thing is surprisingly good, despite everything else they've ever published) that Senator Ted Cruz has had affairs with five different women.

A bible thumping, "family values" conservative cheated on his wife with multiple women? #CruzSexScandal pic.twitter.com/U8YLuSjY6W

— Rich Homie Con (@Cmccarth7) March 25, 2016

Gross.

And people had opinions about that.

Ted Cruz Sex Sandals I can believe.

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 25, 2016

Shown: Imagining anyone agreeing to have sex with Ted Cruz.

Meanwhile, I was wondering what a certain fast food restaurant has against the good guys in the galaxy.

TWO days in a row, I've had Order 66. I think the Burger King wants me to kill all the Jedi... pic.twitter.com/WqzoEvg7Po

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 24, 2016

Among other things...

Really, the only thing that's changed since I entered adulthood is my shoe size and amount of body hair.

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 25, 2016

These are the things that keep me awake at night, ya know?

And things like this, but that's for my therapist to work out.

But enough of my psychological issues! Let's have a look at yours, people of Twitter! In no particular order...

Woah! Woah! Not so close, guys!

Adult Men who say "Totes!" Also call vaginas "What's That?!"

— Mr. Hook™ (@Phook75) March 22, 2016

Logic puzzle: A Star Trek transporter mishap creates 2 of you. Which is the real you?
A: Neither of you is ever getting a girlfriend.

— Rick G. Rosner (@dumbassgenius) September 1, 2013

British critics have seen Star Wars, and they don't like it one bit pic.twitter.com/Sc9LF7IhMF

— just Noel (@ManCaveJokes) March 24, 2016

Planning a date is basically scheduling an evening where you aren't allowed to fart at all.

— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) March 25, 2016

People joke about the tickle monster but one time he killed my dad

— KangaRufio (@Topangaroo) March 25, 2016

My dog's got no nose.

"How does it smell?"

How dare you make jokes about my disabled dog you insensitive, heartless bastard!

— Dave Roberts (@hi_robb) March 25, 2016

"I forgot to break my fast." I say, like some kind of hobbit.

— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 25, 2016

Stop tweeting rap lyrics and go take your fiber, grandma.

— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) March 23, 2016

You'd think the people in this store had never seen a woman buying a gallon of vodka, cranberry juice & shrimp while rage eating a burrito.

— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) March 25, 2016

Computer, show me a dog in jail being given a cake pic.twitter.com/Nwa1jZkLDE

— A.DEGEN(MAGICSERPLE) (@ADACTIVITY) March 25, 2016

And there you have it! Great stuff, right?

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLADIES?

So now, go sneak some more of your kids' Easter candy, relax, and have a look at one of my favorite music videos of all time:

Prince - Batdance 1989 from Nhan Tran on Vimeo.

All the best,

Derek and Bosco