May 25, 2016

Lethal Weapon 2

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Despite Jake's insistence to the contrary, the 80s were a wonderful time to be alive. Cinematically, at least. John Hughes movies were being released roughly every fifteen minutes, Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn had only begun the first phase of the dark magic that allowed them to keep looking youthful well past the point of mere mortals, Kevin Smith and Quentin Tarantino were still working in video stores to gain the knowledge that would allow them to garner small but intensely loyal armies of fans, and George Lucas and Steven Spielberg were at the top of their games.

And the action movie was King.

This week, the guys plunged elbow-deep into the 80s action genre to watch Lethal Weapon 2, starring Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Joe Pesci.

And a cast of fanboys of Mel Gibson's later work...
Gibson and Glover are Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh, two cops who only sorta play by the rules when it's convenient for them. But that's usually okay, because dammit...They're good.

After a run-in with some criminals who are, for some reason, driving around in BMWs with piles of gold krugerrands just rolling around loose in the trunks, Riggs and Murtaugh find themselves on the wrong side of some South African diplomats, led by the guy who wanted to kill Bill and Ted in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (Joss Ackland as Arjen Rudd). Unfortunately, they can't do anything about it because of a poorly thought out law that protects foreign diplomats...What was that called again?

DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!
When a particularly unpleasant experience for Murtaugh involves a bunch of South African guys (led by Derrick O'Connor, a good South African name, as Vorstedt) breaking into his house and tying up him and his wife (Darlene Love as Trish) with duct tape, their captain (Steve Kahan) puts them on a babysitting job to watch a federal witness (Joe Pesci as Leo Getz) that was laundering money for drug dealers, and they completely bone that assignment up, almost getting Leo killed.

These guys are clearly not very good at their job.

And then I shot him for jaywalking!
There is a failed raid on the diplomats' residence, a cool stilt house somewhere in the Hollywood hills, where Riggs takes a shine to the diplomats' secretary/assistant, Rika (Patsy Kensit), and immediately begins stalking her so the movie can get to the mandatory nude scene. (Unlike the previous Lethal Weapon movie, this one was thankfully lacking in the then-standard "unmotivated naked hero ass in the moonlight" shot.)

This is the ass we wanted to see.
Riggs also spends time stalking Arjen at the South African embassy, making sure that they are aware they are being watched by him and his mullet, which is on point in this entry of the series.

Angered and frustrated with the way he and his men are being singled-out by the LAPD simply because they just happen to be dealing drugs, having money laundered, and killing people, Arjen sends Vorstedt and his men on a spree to just straight-up murder the police. All of them. A lot. Suck it, Ice-T.

Keep playing your silly little songs...We got this.
In response to Arjen and Vorstedt's questionable reaction to the police's harrassment, their kidnapping of Leo (guess whose money he was laundering), and also because they killed the first bit of tail Riggs has had since his wife died, Riggs and Murtaugh decide that the best way to reason with the bad guys is to pull the stilt house down the hill and shoot anybody that's left. Pretty subtle, but it just...might...work.

OR DOES IT?!

Yeah, it totally does. Mostly. Except for the two main guys, who Riggs and Murtaugh must face on a boat, because why the hell not?

Jake believes that this movie is what every action movie strives to be, and a very small few only manage to come close. He also thinks that Riggs, a confirmed animal lover throughout the rest of the series, is kind of a dick to his dog, Sam, in this one, throwing a boot at him, and then leaving him to be shot by bad guys in a helicopter until Rika makes him stop so Sam can get in the truck with them.

Larry believes that this is one of the finest examples of an action movie. Even more amazing, the other movies in this series are similarly well made, including the interaction between the cast. If he has one complaint, it's Leo. Okay, not so much Leo himself, as much as the way he constantly prefaces everything with, "Okay...okay..." The others disagree, arguing that that's part of Leo's charm.

Derek is willing to fight anyone who does not instantly agree that this is the second-greatest action movie ever. (After Road House, of course.) He worries about Leo, who is not only abused by everybody else in this movie, but seems to not only enjoy it, but actually thrives because of it. That guy has some serious issues that only years of intense psychiatric therapy can even begin to help. He also thinks this movie is really about the destruction of Trish's station wagon.

And maybe Joel Silver's bathroom issues.
There's also a few stories in The Lobby, some awesome new releases Coming Soon, Mel Gibson's "pre-racist lunatic" best in Larry's List, and the fellas share ghost stories while Jake-ing Off, including the story behind this picture:

Booga booga booga!
So fluff your mullet, blow up the toilet, and tune in to this week's episode!
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May 23, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Well, another week, another steaming pile of tweets to leave in your eyeholes! Cool, right?

Admittedly, not as cool as Powdered Toast. But still cool.
But before we get to that, I want to talk about other stuff, as that's what I do when I'm not on the interwebs.

F'rinstance, a new Ghostbusters trailer came out last week. And, as expected, tiny-penised misogynists across the globe whined about it like the strong female-fearing wimps they are.

Speaking for myself, as well my cohorts in movies, Jake and Larry, those people can consume a big ol' bag of dicks. We're looking forward to the movie. If you're not, don't go. You will not be missed.

Please remember to rinse after that bag of dicks.
Donald Trump announced that he has a shortlist of potential Vice-Presidential running mates. He has not, however, released any names, leaving everybody (who gives a shit) to speculate wildly.

Trump did release a list of potential replacements for the late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

It did not go over well.

This is a reminder to vote in November.
On an entirely unrelated note, I head a couple songs at work, and one of them really got to me.

Go ahead...Tell me I'm wrong. I'll ignore you and have a bath.

It's important to be clean inside and out!
And finally, comedian Jim Norton posted the following picture and message the other day:

So, naturally, I felt I had to do something about that.

Okay. Enough of that. What say we get to some tweets? I had a really hard time picking this week over on Twitter because there were a ton of really funny ones. But, for better or worse, these are my ten.

And there you have it! Now get on out there and have a great week. And to help it along, here's a listen to the first single from The Monkees' new album...


Oh, and maybe spend some time with family.

Cut me some slack. I had an extra .gif left over...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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May 18, 2016

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

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This week, the guys sat down to watch an MST3K classic: The Brain That Wouldn't Die, featuring Jan in the pan!

Stop it! It wasn't funny the first time!
Dr. Bill (Jason Evers) is one of those weirdo experimental doctors. When his father (Bruce Brighton) loses a patient during brain surgery, Bill takes matters into his (and his father's) own hands. He insults Dad a lot and then makes him massage the heart while Bill plugs an electrode into the stiff's brain, bringing it back to life.

Having brought someone back from the other side, Bill proceeds to dry hump his fiancee in front of his father, who complains that it won't be fun to watch anymore once Bill and Jan (Virginia Leath) are finally married.

Until then, though...Boy howdy!
When a call comes for Bill from his assistant Kurt (Anthony La Penna) "at the country place," Bill rushes Jan into his car so they can speed to the country place in order to find out what the problem is.

Unfortunately, Bill is almost as bad at driving as he is at not being a total dick to his dad, and he crashes the car, getting thrown from it himself, and decapitating Jan.

Undeterred, Bill collects Jan's head and jogs to the country place, where Kurt, who has a funky hand that looks like it is made of a monkey paw coated with gravy skin, tries to warn Bill about the thing in the closet, but Bill is too distracted due to Jan's head being not connected to a body, but instead is wrapped in his best sports coat. A temporary fix is quickly assembled.

But she's not about to stay quiet about it, so...
As far as a long-term plan, Bill slowly comes to the conclusion that, aside from maybe using Jan as a doorstop, his best bet is to find her a new body to glue her head to. So he goes on the hunt, looking for someone with a body similar to Jan's. (That is, a female body...The rest is optional, because Bill's no prude.)

His first stop, naturally, is a bar where what we think are supposed to be exotic dancers stroll around with a bored look on their faces, shimmying with the minimal amount of effort, in an attempt to maybe get a few drinks out of someone.

Oh, my poor fiancee! Oh, woe is m--Saaaaay...
After his first attempt fails, Bill takes another cruise around town to try and find a new body for Jan, who is getting pretty cranky by now, probably because her neck juice is past its sell-by date. She has also made friends with whatever the heck it is in the closet, and the two of them have turned to terrorizing Kurt, who really just wants a normal hand.

HEY, YOU GUYS!
Man...Everyone in this movie is messed-up...

While Bill is trying to convince a woman he went to school with that he can fix the scars that left her relying on the kindness (and money) of strange, creepy dudes with cameras, Jan convinces the thing in the closet to attack Kurt at feeding time, and it goes off surprisingly well, with the monster ripping off Kurt's good arm.

Really?! Are you shitting me?!
Bill brings the girl back, unaware of what happened, and begins the process of drugging her drink before heading downstairs to make sure Jan's head hasn't escaped or been carried off by a confused hawk. Then he finds Kurt.

The monster attacks, Jan laughs, everything burns, and the viewer is left unsatisfied.

Larry loves this flick, even going so far as to admit that it's in his regular rotation. Weirdo. But he is willing to admit that the quality of acting could have been better.

Jake thinks it's funny, but not worth watching more than once, unless it's without the MST3K riff, in which case even once is too many. He's also concerned about potential weird sex stuff happening to Jan's severed head.

Derek is not at all happy with this movie, and he says so. He also thinks that all the characters are awful people. And he wonders about whether Jan's attitude would change after having a new body. Oh, and he manages to hypnotize both Larry and Jake by making them look at this:

LOOK AT IT!
There's also a bunch of fun news in The Lobby, a few movies the guys actually know stuff about Coming Soon, the best of the worst in Larry's List, Jake-ing Off over some fantasy stuff, and questions about sequels that were better than the movies that spawned them Inside My Head.

So pour yourself a nice casserole pan of neck juice and tune in to this week's episode!
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May 16, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

You guys! You guys! You know what I found out last week?

I found out that everyone's favorite everyman character actor that's been around forever, Dick Miller, is on Twitter!

So I am going to honor this bit of new information I learned by featuring pictures of Mr. Miller for my graphics this week. F'rinstance...

Many fans will remember him as the flower-eating guy from
Roger Corman's Little Shop of Horrors.
Anyway, I also learned some other fun stuff this past week.

First, I learned that my birthday (May 10) was going to fall on a day that is special in a lot of people's hearts...


Then I learned that Donald Trump does impersonations!


Also, he's not especially respectful to women.


But wait! There's more!

My, how...wait for it...shocking!
I'll see myself out...
After reading about Trump and his asinine antics, I learned how to keep myself happy, no matter what that mouth-breathing troll says.


And then I offered my opinions about casting choices...


Truth is, I'm not a Power Rangers fan to begin with, so odds are that I won't watch it anyway.

"And that's exactly why nobody likes you, Derek."
I also look at a bunch of tweets. There were good tweets, bad tweets, and tweets that made me feel like I should scrub my eyeballs. Guess which batch I chose to show you today!

Oh, calm down, Mr. Futterman...It's not those ones.
In no particular order...


And there you have it! So get out there, have an awesome week, and make sure you add Dick Miller to your Twitter feed!

C'mon! The guy was in so many great movies!
Here, let me show you a cool example of his work:



All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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May 11, 2016

They Live

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There aren't many movies where the guys agree completely with each other on the straight-up awesomeness of a movie. This week, however, is exactly that.

This week the guys watched John Carpenter's 1988 classic They Live, starring WWF wrestler Roddy Piper and Keith David, who was not a WWF wrestler. (But he probably would have been awesome if he was.)

Piper is Nada, a relentlessly cheerful homeless man who wanders from town to town, looking for work. When he gets to Los Angeles, he manages to get hired working at a construction site. And that's where he meets Frank (Keith David), another roving construction worker who helps Nada find a hot meal and a shower.

What do you mean, 'it's a community soap bar'?!
At the camp where the homeless people stay, Nada notices some sketchy activities going on at the church across the street, and it's not the normal sketchy activity you might expect. When he goes to investigate, he trips, breaks a wall, and barely manages to escape when the police raid the joint and destroy both it and the camp across the street.

A day or so later, he goes back to the now destroyed church and finds a box of magical sunglasses that allow him to see things in an entirely new way.

And  YOU look like you borrow MacGyver's shirt and mullet, Roddy.
Glass houses, sir...Glass houses...
Things take a dark turn when the police find Nada and try to beat some blindness back into him, but he's able to overpower them and take their guns before slowly backing into the safety of...a bank.

Fortunately, as a former wrestler, he was able to improvise during
an incredibly improbable scenario.
After spouting a few quips and then killing every nonhuman in the bank a lot, he takes a hostage (Meg Foster), hoping she can help him get away from the aliens, or whatever they are, that are ruling the world and keeping the humans docile. It does not go well.

Mere moments after this shot, she threw him out a window. Really.
Stuck for a plan of action, Nada finds Frank and tries to convince him to try on the sunglasses so he can see what the world is really like. That doesn't go too well, either.


Basically, Nada is just about useless, largely because of his desire to go find Holly again. (We dunno...maybe he gets turned-on by being thrown out windows by women. Don't judge.)

Nada and Frank manage to get caught in another gunfight and, through a comedy of errors, stumble upon the bad guy base, where the aliens(?) are partying with rich white dudes!'

Nothing to see here...Move along.
The party is in the basement of the TV studio that transmits the brain control stuff to the humans, and so is Holly, so that spirals together nicely.

OR DOES IT?!?

SPOILER: No. No it doesn't.

Derek is worried about Nada's hair. It's really super-mullety. It could do someone some serious damage.

Jake is certain Holly is a dude. There is not a whole lot of evidence to the contrary, so if anybody has any, now would be the time.

Larry is amused by Nada's Canadian-ness. That's really it.

There's also a bunch of stuff in The Lobby, movies only Jake recognizes Coming Soon, a defense of the upcoming Ghostbusters movie while Jake-ing Off, the best-ish of 1988 on Larry's List, and mom stories from Inside My Head.
So get your sunglasses on and tune in for this week's show! OBEY! OBEY!
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May 9, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! I hope all you moms out there had an awesome Mother's Day. And for everyone else (as well as a good portion of those moms), I hope you all had an awesome Star Wars Day! If neither of those works for you, I don't know what to tell you. You're on your own.

So you've got that going for ya...
Myself, I had a pretty interesting week. I witnessed some of the most horrible things ever to be shown on a television screen since the last presidential debate...


But I also managed to find time to help a company with a slogan suggestion...


And even considered venturing out into the real world to actually speak to people.


I didn't...but I seriously considered it.

WHY DIDN'T I GO?!
Now, I know I said I was tired of talking about politics and Trump and all that silly shit, but this past week was too much to pass up.

A few days ago, in an attempt to appeal to the Hispanic and Latino voters out there who have almost no interest whatsoever in voting for him, he posted the following tweet:


Needless to say, a few of those Hispanics and Latinos felt that he really didn't mean it, probably because of the look on his face, and also because he basically made it a commercial for his own business. Dick.

Anyway, Twitter responded appropriately.


But that's not all!

Don't tweet angry!
Former candidates John Kasich and Ted Cruz, who is totally not the Zodiac Killer, dropped out of the race for the Republican nomination.


So, with the way clear (except for the minor obstacle of being completely and totally unelectable), Trump is on his way to going head-to-head with Hillary Clinton, or possibly even Bernie Sanders, who is still fighting the good fight.

In this example, Hillary could be Woody Harrelson,
and Bernie could be Bill Murray. Or vice versa. I think.
And, of course, there were the fine folks of Twitter to make me laugh because of their absurdity and weirdness. They're the real heroes. Let me show you why...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a super awesome week! To help it along, here is yet another clip from the guys at Impractical Jokers:


All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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May 4, 2016

Rhinestone

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Sometimes you run across something that, despite its horrible and upsetting nature, you cannot help but watch it unfold, and maybe even crack a little smile as you do. Depending on which of the guys you ask, this week's movie might very well be one of those situations.

You see, not everyone believes that a movie where Dolly Parton tries to turn Sylvester Stallone into a country music singer should be the source of any kind of happiness of joviality. (Larry...) However, others might be able to wrangle a few good giggles out of it. ("Hog balls!?")

Mmmmm...Hog balls...
Dolly Parton plays Jake (no relation), as Country and Western singer who is tearing it up in that bastion of Country and Western during the early-to-mid eighties, New York City. Yes, that New York City.

Anyway, she is stuck in the middle of a contract with a horrible, greasy number named Freddie (Ron Leibman), a guy who dresses like John Travolta's character from Saturday Night Fever, but more...obnoxious somehow. He refuses to let Jake get out of her contract, which is keeping her from becoming the famous singer that she actually is in real life.

If she wants out of her contract, she has two options: First, she could give up her goodies to Freddie. And she's not really keen on that because he is a horrible human being who looks like he probably enjoys deeply inhaling his own farts when nobody is around.

Oh my god, Freddie...It smells like rotten corned beef
in a burning diaper made of hair!
The other option is to win her contract from him in a bet; if she can take your average yahoo on the street and turn them into a legitimate Country singer, she gets to walk. Unfortunately, the yahoo she finds ends up being Nick, a cab driver who is not only not a singer in any way, but also not a very good cabbie, either.

Believe it or not, this is the after picture.
She drags his dopey self down to Tennessee to show him how to "be Country", which largely involves dressing like you are a blind man lost in a costume shop, and having to walk as though you've got a really bad case of jock itch.

While roaming around the Tennessee countryside, Nick runs across Barnett Kale (Tim Thomerson), a former boyfriend of Jake's, and also kind of a douche canoe. Okay, not "kind of". More like "completely and totally".

Just the fact that he befriends Nick makes one assume there's something
not quite right about him.
After two weeks of intense walking lessons, Nick and Jake head back to New York so he can have his big debut, but not before Jake shoots down any hope that he might have of actually being good by not-so-gently telling him that he is not, by any means, an actual singer. To which the entire viewing audience no doubt responded, "Well, DUH."

He does, however, take the stage, and belts out his first song in front of a huge crowd. Will he succeed? Will Jake realize how wrong she was? Will they get together and rub their unnaturally-shaped bodies together to make large-headed, lopsided spawn of their own?

Tune in to find out.

YO, ADRI-...ER...JAAAAAAKE!
Derek refuses to accept that Stallone will ever be mistaken for an actual human, let alone a singer of any description. (Any description other than "bad", that is.) But he thinks this movie has a lot to offer when you ignore the dead albatross that is Sylvester Stallone. Also, "hog balls?"

Jake also admits that he enjoys a good number of things in this film, none of which are the carcass of a beached whale that is Sylvester Stallone. He also offers insight into just how realistic the hillbillies are when compared against ones that he himself knows and, in some cases, is related to.

Larry hates this movie with a passion that burns with the heat of 1,000 suns. However, some of the songs are catchy, and he even offers up the lynchpin that would make an updated Canadian version of this film infinitely more viable and entertaining than the original. So way to go, Larry!

There's also a bunch of cool stuff in The Lobby (including a shoutout to our pal Billy Brooks), one new movie--AND ONLY ONE--Coming Soon, a lot of disagreement with Larry's List, a pretty flaccid example of Jake-ing Off, and Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Inside My Head!

So strap on your spurs and sparkly shirt with dangly stuff on it, and listen in to this week's show!
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May 2, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Okay, guys...We made it a week without a major star passing away. Good job. Unfortunately, there was a loss at Casa de Derek, and I feel I have to get it out of the way right at the top.

Friday, I got a new chew toy for Bosco. He was, understandably, pretty excited about it. I tossed the toy, which was shaped a bit like the cat from Itchy & Scratchy, to him, and he immediately started gnawing on it and giving me puppy dog eyes so I would throw it. This was at about 12:31 AM, after I got home.

By 10:15 the next morning, Squeaky Cat the chew toy was no more. He will be missed.


But now, to other stuff, won't we?

(Note: This week's animations have absolutely nothing to do with anything I'll be writing, but I found them amusing, so I decided to use them anyway. F'rinstance...)

See? Pointless. And yet, still funny.
Anyway, it's been an interesting week. And, as always, I spent a good portion of it discovering new things out there in the real world. (I spend a lot of time out there to make sure nobody goes and moves stuff around when nobody's looking. It's a free service I provide for humanity. You're welcome.)

One thing I discovered is that YouTube.com doesn't understand irony.


If only they would disable the audio for...I dunno, almost every song that has come shooting down the tubes in the past, say, ten to fifteen years. Except, of course, instant classics such as "Smell Yo Dick"...


And some of the more entertaining covers of others' music...


But everything else...Yeah, go ahead with that.

Again, this has nothing to do with anything.
I made another discovery this week about Arby's. It appears they have some sort of gyro thing going on, and they're on sale. That's fine; I enjoy a nice gyro as much as the next guy.

What I had a problem with, though, is the sign they put together for advertising this sale.


Now that I think about it, I might actually be willing to play that RPG, but only if it comes with that cucumber sauce stuff...

Quit looking down here.
So! What about some tweets? There were some awesome ones over on Twitter this week, and that made it really hard to thin it down to just ten. But, for better or worse, these are the ones. Dig it!


And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week. And to start it along, here's some 8-Bit Cinema Star Wars to look at.


Take care, and watch out for falling cars.

Okay, that was a reach, but it is the only one that is connected to any of the text.
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

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