Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Well, another week, another steaming pile of tweets to leave in your eyeholes! Cool, right?

Admittedly, not as cool as Powdered Toast. But still cool.

But before we get to that, I want to talk about other stuff, as that's what I do when I'm not on the interwebs.

F'rinstance, a new Ghostbusters trailer came out last week. And, as expected, tiny-penised misogynists across the globe whined about it like the strong female-fearing wimps they are.

ME: A xenophobic misogynist madman might be president.

THEM: Don't care, they remade a movie I liked as a kid in a way that bothers me.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) May 18, 2016

Speaking for myself, as well my cohorts in movies, Jake and Larry, those people can consume a big ol' bag of dicks. We're looking forward to the movie. If you're not, don't go. You will not be missed.

Please remember to rinse after that bag of dicks.

Donald Trump announced that he has a shortlist of potential Vice-Presidential running mates. He has not, however, released any names, leaving everybody (who gives a shit) to speculate wildly.

Trump did release a list of potential replacements for the late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

Trump SCOTUS picks:

Flonald Blump
John Miller
(random Trump son)
Perry Mason
Honky McWhiteguy
Not Hitler
Ally McBeal (yuge with the ladies)

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) May 18, 2016

It did not go over well.

This is a reminder to vote in November.

On an entirely unrelated note, I head a couple songs at work, and one of them really got to me.

I'm having a hard time believing the song "Superman Got Nothing On Me". Can you fly, Charlie Puth? Deflect bullets? I think not.

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 20, 2016

I'm more inclined to believe Adam Levine actually has "moves like Jagger". That's basically just finger guns and walking like a chicken.

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 20, 2016

Go ahead...Tell me I'm wrong. I'll ignore you and have a bath.

It's important to be clean inside and out!

And finally, comedian Jim Norton posted the following picture and message the other day:

Me drinking water. Don't photoshop this please. Thanks. pic.twitter.com/nLgDMBBBft

— Jim Norton (@JimNorton) May 22, 2016

So, naturally, I felt I had to do something about that.

@JimNorton pic.twitter.com/qiP7D4AQ9C

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 22, 2016

Okay. Enough of that. What say we get to some tweets? I had a really hard time picking this week over on Twitter because there were a ton of really funny ones. But, for better or worse, these are my ten.

The Oxnard comma is when a really heavy guy at Denny's takes a breath between each word whilst ordering his breakfast.

— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) May 16, 2016

Deleted my bucket list instead of my grocery list and now the only things I have to look forward to in life is Cocoa Puffs & a can of Lysol.

— Bonez (@T_Bonezzz_) May 17, 2016

True love is never asking why I want to make a video of you sticking your dick in a pudding cup & describing it to me - in detail this time!

— Tater Tot (@darkmatter_wimp) May 6, 2016

As a kid, I bought candy cigarettes at the comic book shop and now, whenever I even see a comic book, I can't help but eat a cigarette.

— I AM A DAN (@theDanLawler) May 18, 2016

[Starbucks]
Barista: Latte for Zelda!
Link: Ugh, mine

B: Coffee for Metroid!
Samus: *tsk* Mine

B: Tea for Mario!
Luigi: YES ITSA ME MARIO!

— Ygrene (@Ygrene) May 18, 2016

"Not only can I not see, I can't move in this thing, at all" - Me as Iron Man, before stumbling into an open manhole & drowning in the sewer

— Mike (@MikeOdenthal) May 18, 2016

Amazing what they'll let you do in Costco when they think you're Mrs. Costco, of the Costcos. Rode an employee like a pony. What a day.

— Angie Davis (??Peen) (@Adar79Angie) October 21, 2013

Gave this NYC restaurant a second chance. Still awful. pic.twitter.com/KLl0KJzvWL

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) May 20, 2016

"NOTHING worse than having diarrhea."

"Except having it in a jar on your desk 'as proof', Carmen."

— Corky Kneivel (@CorkyKneivel) May 19, 2016

Fun prank: Devote your life to finding your doppelgänger then arrange for them to show up at your funeral and shout "that man's an imposter"

— Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) May 16, 2016

And there you have it! Now get on out there and have a great week. And to help it along, here's a listen to the first single from The Monkees' new album...

Oh, and maybe spend some time with family.

Cut me some slack. I had an extra .gif left over...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco