Once Bitten

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Once a lifetime, a movie comes along that will change your life. This week's film is not one of them, unless you count getting 90 minutes older as a life change.

This week, the guys sat down (at least one of them against their will) to watch 1985's Once Bitten, starring Jim Carrey, Lauren Hutton, Cleavon Little, and Karen Kopins. Megan Mullally also makes a brief appearance, but not so's you'd notice.

Mark (Carrey) is a 21-year-old (or possibly 18-year-old) college (or high school) student who really wants to get laid by his girlfriend of six (or possibly four) years, Robin, but she won't give up her naughty bits.

Possibly because, like most people, she is repulsed by Jim Carrey's touch.

So, faced with his six-(or four-)year blueballs just straight-up exploding and potentially putting the entire city of Los Angeles in danger of being covered in grossness, Mark lets his horndog buddies, Jamie (Thomas Ballatore) and Russ (Skip Lackey) talk him into cruising the Sunset Strip in Mark's ice cream truck, trying to find women that will utter those two magic words: "Why not?"

Jamie and Russ, although we're not sure which is which, like it matters.

They find themselves at a bar that does some sort of weird pre-speed dating kind of thing, where each table has a phone (shaped like lips) and a light with a number on it. If, say, you felt like allowing two or three incredibly hammy actors rub their gross selves against you, you would call the number of the table these bozos are sitting at. And get this: Somebody does call! And they want to buy Mark a drink! What are the odds?

When Mark goes to the bar to see who called, he meets the Countess (Hutton), who, it should be noted, is a vampire that needs to drink the blood of a virgin male three times within the next ten days (or maybe less...the continuity on this film is non-existent) in order to maintain her "youthful" (for a vampire, at least) appearance.

This would never happen in the real world.

She buys him a drink, the Countess' servant, Sebastian (Little) takes them back to her mansion, and bites him on the inner thigh to draw the blood she needs. If your brain is not throwing up all over the inside of your head as you read that, you need help.

Immediately, Mark shows signs of becoming a vampire: aversion to bright light, craving raw meat, hissing at children, slicking back his hair...You know; the usual vampire stuff.

When Kim finds out that Mark had himself a crazy night with another woman, she breaks up with him (or, again, possibly doesn't). Until he stalks her at work and tries to sex up a bunch of clothes while she's dealing with a customer. She can only make him stop by forcing him to try on new clothes, and when he goes into the fitting room, he finds that the Countess has followed him there to get a second helping of blood. What follows is a Three's Company-style scene where Mark tries to fool Kim into thinking he's in there by himself, but the Countess is trying to give it away that she's in there! It's kooky!

Cleavon should have known better.

Jumping forward (or possibly backward...Again, the timeline is kind of sketchy), Mark and Kim attend the college (or high school) pre-Halloween Hop on Halloween, and everyone thinks Mark is dressed as a vampire! But he's not! And the Countess shows up, setting off one of the shittiest dance-off scenes ever committed to film, and ending with Kim getting kidnapped and taken back to the mansion, where she will be used as bait to get Mark and his idiot posse to show up so she can feed for the third and final time.

It's like the dance-off in Grease, but worse.

When Mark and the toolbags find Kim, who was conveniently stuffed in the basement right near where they came in, they set off to find a way out, only to run across the Countess and her other, lesser vampires. A Scooby-Doo-style chase ensues, winding up with Mark in a gynecological exam chair. The posse finally does something useful, grabbing torches to hold the vampires at bay so Mark and Kim can escape...

But not before Kim tells the Countess to fuck off, as it should be.

Will the Countess and her minions catch up with them before they can escape? Will she feed for the third time, restoring her life for another century or two? Or will Kim give up the goods to save Mark's life?

It's that third one. Mark and Kim do it in the Countess' coffin.

Now you don't have to watch it, because fuck this movie. You're welcome.

Derek hated this movie as much as he expected to. He is irritated by the severe lack of continuity. And everything else about this film. But Kim and the Countess were nice to look at, and he hoped there would be some wrasslin' between them.

Larry still claims to love this movie and thinks it's a good watch with friends. He is wrong. The most the others are willing to concede is that there was one good joke in the chase scene. But that's it.

Jake is worried because he could potentially end up as collateral damage in the battle between the other two (which Larry started by introducing a Jim Carrey movie into the mix), and has already contacted Ken Burns to create a documentary about it.

So download this podcast so you don't have to watch this garbage movie and you can feel superior to us at Ugly Couchcast Industries!