MANOS: The Hands of Fate

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Just when you thought it was safe, the guys sat down to watch the cult classic, 1966's MANOS: The Hands of Fate.

To be fair, this choice was made by Derek, who was retaliating against Larry for last week's movie. Poor Jake was just caught in the crossfire.

Much like the "heroes" of our film.

Anyway, MANOS is the story of Michael (writer/director/producer/actor Hal Warren), Margaret (Diane Adelson), and their daughter Debbie (Jackey Neyman), and how they had a nice vacation with their dog Pepe at the Valley Lodge, which features scenic views, helpful staff (John Reynolds as Torgo), dedicated management (Tom Neyman as The Master), and even its own sacrificial pyre!

Hands down the best pyre in the area.

After hours of driving to get there, past hill and dale, and back past the same hills and dales, they arrive at what may or may not be the Valley Lodge, and Michael decides that they should probably just stay there whether it is or not, because that there Torgo fella seems like a pretty straight shooter.

And a FABULOUS dancer!

As they prepare to get comfortable, Pepe decides that he's out of there and takes off running. Michael, by now completely content to leave his wife and daughter alone with the creepy, big-kneed caretaker Torgo, wanders off into the desert to find the dog.

"I do turn-down service as soon as I lick these windows clean, ma'am!"

Finding Pepe dead, Michael wants to head back to the house, but he is ambushed by Torgo, who ties him to a stick and leaves him to be eaten by wolves or fire ants or whatever the hell they have out there. Meanwhile, Torgo visits Margaret and leers at her. He also almost touches her. It is then that he admits, in his weird, twitchy way, that he wants to have her for himself, rather than give her to The Master, which appears to be a standing order around these parts.

As if this sweet robe wasn't going to pull in all the babes already.

This sets up a confrontation, not only between Torgo and The Master, but also between The Master and his other wives. (Apparently, this whole Manos cult is an offshoot of Mormonism.) The wives don't want The Master to bring in any new women because it means more competition. Torgo, as noted earlier, doesn't want it to happen, either, but mostly for selfish reasons. When he first goes to talk to the wives, The Master also looks like he's reconsidering, especially after the wives' conversation devolves into a shouting match at first, but then becomes a full-blown Battle Royale.

But way better than the ones with the sweaty dudes in tiny Speedos slapping each other around.

Finally, The Master puts his foot down and sentences the wife who started the fight to death. Torgo, for his part, tries to stand up for himself to The Master, but he ends up being tortured by snicker sneg, and having his hand pulled off and set on fire.

The Master did not approve of Torgo's sick dance moves, either.

Michael finds Margaret and Debbie, who were also wandering in the desert, trying to find him, and he suggests going back to the house, where they can confront The Master and escape! But do they?

No. No, they don't. Normally, we wouldn't tell you this, but we really feel we should because the film itself is pretty cut-and-paste, storytelling-wise.

Derek hates this movie, but he's happy to watch it with friends so they can all make fun of it, because it truly is a movie made for that sort of thing. He is also fascinated by Torgo, as are we all.

Larry is also not a fan, but he also agrees that it's a fun group watch. He thinks The Master looks like Freddie Mercury. He thinks Torgo is a snazzy dresser. Larry needs a hug, people.

Jake was a virgin for this time out. He now feels gross, sore, violated, and a little bit sticky, so we guess this metaphor should be stopped before we screw it up somehow.

The Master would not approve of you not listening to this week's show!