Rumble in the Bronx

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This week, Larry couldn't come over to do the show, so Derek and Jake had to make do, even though it was Larry's week to pick the movie.

Undaunted, Derek and Jake boldly looked adversity in the eye and watch the movie that brought Jackie Chan the fame in America that he had been wanting for so long: Rumble in the Bronx.

This feels like a Mountain Dew commercial.

Jackie Chan is Keung, and he has come to New York (by way of Vancouver) to help his Uncle Bill (Bill Tung) sell the grocery store he runs in the Bronx, and keep an eye on Bill's apartment while he's off on his honeymoon.

"Saaaay...How 'bout a little sugar for the star, ma'am?"

The day before the wedding (possibly), Bill sells the store to a woman named Elaine (Anita Mui), and Keung makes a strong first impression on her by flexing and squeezing a nose pimple in front of a two-way mirror.

That night, Keung is awoken by the sounds of a motorcycle race going on down on the street. All seems fine until the racers turn their bikes around and start riding over the tops of cars, smashing the windshields and denting the tops. One of the cars in the line is a car that Uncle Bill "borrowed" (it's a pretty sketchy endeavor, to be honest) from a friend for the wedding. Keung rushes down and stands in the way to make sure they don't hurt the car, but it causes the rider to lose the race, which angers the local gang.

Why, yes...yes he is.

At Uncle Bill's wedding, Elaine suckers Keung into working for her at the store for something like a couple of months or something,until Uncle Bill gets back and Keung goes home. Almost immediately after the wedding, the gang comes to the store, steals some stuff, and gets their asses handed to them soundly by Keung.

It was only the first of several ass-handing-tos.

The gang, angered by this, hunt down Keung and beat his thoroughly with bottles in an alleyway. Frankly, the process is over-complicated and really unnecessary, but it sets up the meeting between Keung and Uncle Bill's neighbor, Danny (Morgan Lam), wherein Danny's sister, Nancy (François Yip)--who is the gang leader Tony's (Marc Akerstream) girlfriend--discovers a bloody and battered Keung out in the hallway, drags him into their apartment, and dresses his wounds.

Danny is way too excited to share that Nancy undressed Keung while he was
bleeding and unconscious.

Meanwhile, two of the gang members--Angelo (Garvin Cross) and another unnamed character (Ailen Sit)--witness a car crash, followed by a gunfight, and check the car for valuables. Angelo finds a briefcase and takes off with it, running into an apartment building where Danny and Keung just happen to live.

Once inside, Angelo gets the briefcase open and discovers a bag of diamonds. Keung, after being stopped by some men who say they are FBI, gets Danny back inside, where Danny discovers Nancy has bought him a new cushion for his wheelchair, and Keung discovers that Nancy is the woman on the motorcycle from what feels like four days (of move time) ago, but he's willing to let it slide that her boyfriend's group of dirtbags almost killed him with broken glass because he had the nerve to suggest they not steal things.

SO punchable.

Impressed by Keung's ability to just let things go, Nancy decides she wants a piece of that action, and when she and Keung are spotted at the club where Nancy dances by Tony's guys, another chase ensues, leading to the gang returning to the store to trash it.

Angered, Keung asks Nancy to take him to the gang's clubhouse so he can confront them with logic and reason. (Loosely translated: "Take me there so I can kick these guys in the head some.)

And serve up a heaping helping of bottle-shaped Karma.

After hitting people a lot, Keung calls them names and is ready to leave when one of the gang members stumbles in, carrying two bags of one of the other gang members. (Go ahead and re-read that. We'll wait.)It turns out the really bad guys kidnapped these two gang members, tortured them, and sent them back with a message to Tony: Give us Angelo or we get more garbage bags for the rest of you.

Keung wants to get hold of the police, but Tony doesn't want to deal with them. He agrees after Keung explains that he's got a card from the FBI guys and will call them...

And that's all we're telling you. Why? Two reasons:

1. Any story is really just there to set up spots for cool stunts and fight scenes. Just accept it; and


2. We ran out of cool GIFs.

So watch the movie! Seriously!

Larry wasn't there, as noted, but he was in spirit.

Derek did the best he could to channel Larry for the Top Ten lists, but it just wasn't the same. He did, however, love the movie. So much so, in fact, that he re-watched it after Jake went home.

Jake also liked it...mostly because of #2 above, but it is argued (quite rightly) that this is as good a reason as any; in large part because most action movies don't even bother to establish a semi-credible story.

So put on your face-kickin' shoes, smack around some cabbage (you'll understand when you listen), and check out this week's show!