Waxwork

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Do you remember the 80s? Remember when waxworks were the height of entertainment for rich people with no souls? Sure, who doesn't! Ands remember when the creepy British guy with the oily, stringy hair tried to murder you and make you a part of the exhibit when you visited the aforementioned waxwork? of course you do. And even if you don't, this movie will bring all those memories flooding back.

This week, Jake picked the 1988 cult classic, Waxwork, starring Zach Galligan and David Warner, who really should have known better.

Galligan plays Mark, a rich college student who likes to have a drink or two with the help (Joe Baker as Jenkins), has a terrible girlfriend (Michelle Johnson as China), a group of superficial friends who all appear to hate each other, and a mother (Jennifer Bassey) who refuses to let him drink caffeine. He also has a professor (Edward Ashley) whom all the guys are pretty sure is a Nazi war criminal in hiding.

John Hughes presents The Brunch Club!

When China and Sarah (Deborah Foreman) spot a new building that pops up in the neighborhood with a sign on the front that says "Waxworks", they get curious. However, before they can decide whether or not to investigate, the owner of the place pops up in a Willy Wonka cosplay costume and invites the two of them, as well as any other four friends they care to bring, to an exclusive midnight showing that evening. They say they'll consider it, and then head off to their classes at University of High School, where they meet up with their friends and tell them about the place while they watch China's new boyfriend practice football.

Which of you is the one who likes bubble gum?

The group agrees to go, and they meet up later that night. When they arrive at the waxworks, they are greeted by a tiny man with a thick German accent (Mihaly "Michu" Meszaros) and a tall, thin guy (Jack David Walker) who doesn't say much at all. After the little guy offers them drinks, they wander into the display area, and that's where things start to get weird.

The true star of this dumpster fire.

Mark's friends begin to disappear, one-by-one, until only Sarah is left. Those friends have been sucked into the scenes they were looking at in the waxworks! And while the two of them appear deeply concerned about their missing friends, Mark isn't so worried that he'll forego a chance to stick his tongue down Sarah's throat. She, however, demures, which we're pretty sure all of us can agree was the right move. Take time to mourn lost friends...and then hump like bunnies on homemade trucker speed. (Unless Mark's mourning period is way shorter than everyone else's, which we guess makes it okay, although it does make him look like kind of a dick.)

Thoroughly friendzoned, Mark goes to the police, where a hardened detective (Charles McCaughan) completely fails to buy into what sounds like a steaming pile of horse poop. However, he visits the waxworks with Mark to have a look around, just in case.

Werebunny or Easter Wolf? You make the call!

What he finds is David Warner, who takes him for a stroll through the exhibits, where nothing happens at all, even when Warner tries to make it happen. The detective decides after leaving that he will sneak back later that evening.

Mark, meanwhile, is rooting through his family's attic with Sarah, searching for some sort of clues that his grandfather may have left concerning waxworks. (Because, really, who doesn't have volumes and volumes of personal diaries written by our late relatives about turn-of-the-18th-century sideshow attractions?) Sarah finds a book about the Marquis de Sade and gets a little too into it. Mark finds some old newspaper articles and decides that they, too, need to go back to the waxworks that night, but all sneaky-like.

That night, the detective comes back and is almost immediately shoved into an Egyptian display, where he is attacked by a mummy and dumped into a sarcophagus to die.

Safe! Or are they?!
(No. No, they're not.)

Mark and Sarah show up not long after, and each get pulled into different exhibits. Sarah ends up getting whipped (and enjoying it just a bit too much, if you ask us), and Mark ends up in a Night of the Living Dead sort of thing, where he realizes that none of the monsters can do anything to him if he refuses to believe in them. Seriously. That's how it works.

Will he escape and rescue Sarah before she is whipped, either to death or to orgasm? Will Mark be able to save anyone who comes after them? Will this movie ever stop happening? You'll have to tune in to find out...

Jake picked this, and even he isn't sure why. He thinks that, in the hands of a more competent director, this could have been a great movie. The jury is still out on that. He also has issues with the historical accuracy of the Marquis...There's a lot of important details missing from that one.

Derek thinks this is a stupid movie, and he's glad he didn't go on Twitter and tell Zach Galligan they were watching it. Zach doesn't need that kind of negativity in his life. The one scene Derek thinks works the best is the Night of the Living Dead scene. Why wasn't the rest of the movie like that?

Larry also feels this movie was a festering celluloid turd. He did, however, think some of the gore was well done. His belief that the werewolf was a good one is questioned by the others, but he stands by his convictions, no matter how incredibly wrong they may be.

So put on your most 80s clothes and check out this week's episode!