Breakin'

To listen/download, click here!

After a too-long, unwanted break, the guys are back! And they are doing it 80s-style!

This time Derek and Larry sat down to watch 1984's Breakin'--a movie that made America sit up and ask the question many of us have wondered for a long time: Did Christopher McDonald ever play a character that wasn't a complete asshole?

The answer is yes, but he always looked like a malnourished Joe Piscopo.

Our story begins with Kelley (Lucinda Dickey), a dancer being trained by a super-rapey Luke Perry simulade named Franco (Ben Lokey), being dragged to Venice Beach by a fellow dancer named Adam (Phineas Newborn III), where he exposes his naive friend to breakdancing, which involves a lot of spinning around and flailing like you're having some sort of seizure.

In particular, two of the breakdancers--Ozone (Adolfo "Shabba Doo" Quiñones) and Turbo (Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers)--catch Kelley's attention, and she is soon out there flailing like the rest of them of the crowd.

Including this nobody. Good thing his career never blew up.

Kelley is super-impressed with Turbo and Ozone, and she wants them to come to her dance school and maybe teach the students a few new moves. However, Franco is having no part of that. Instead, he just wants to see what's under Kelley's dangerously tight and possibly circulation-inhibiting dance outfit. Kelley makes it very clear that she is not interested in Franco licking the inside of her face, so she storms out and goes looking for some dance work.

After several auditions--possibly for the same job, while wearing several different outfits and wigs--Kelley gives up, choosing instead to hang out with Turbo and Ozone while they moonwalk and thrust their hands outward a lot.

Ozone would go on to be a semaphore flag waver. Turbo would direct traffic at airports.

It is during one of these arm-thrusting competition against their sworn enemies, Electro Rock (Bruno "Pop 'N Taco" Falcon and Timothy "Poppin' Pete" Solomon), that Kelley realizes that this whole breakdancing thing may be a force to reckon with. Unfortunately, it is as this realization comes to her that Turbo and Ozone lose their competition when Electro Rock bring out their secret third member: A woman (Ana "Lollipop" Sanchez)!

It should be noted at this point that, despite being the main antagonists in this movie, the members of Electro Rock are never given names. Now, some may argue that Franco is, eventually, the main antagonist, but it could be argued that this is a bunch of poop because Electro Rock get more screen time than he does. Hell, even Ice-T, in a role that can only be referred to as "Rap Talker" (because that's what it says in the credits), has more screen time than Franco.

Anyway, Electro Rock deserves more credit, is all.

You don't see Franco doing this, do you?!

And when they bring out their secret weapon, they win, sending Turbo and Ozone off in shame.

Kelley decides that what they really need is her, shoehorning her way into their crew because, it seems, nobody else wants her, except for her half-lizard dance teacher Franco. (And let's be honest...Ick.) So the three of them start practicing, putting together a new routine.

And Turbo still manages to keep up his attendance at Hogwarts.

Meanwhile, Kelley also tries to get them into a dance competition, but she is shot down by Franco. Kelley's agent, James (Christopher McDonald), however, is having no part of that. He intends to do everything he can to get them into that competition so the world will know that spazzy arm and leg waving is here to stay!

MOM! HE'S DOING IT AGAIN! HE'S GONNA RUIN THE FLOOR!

He sneaks them into the competition by dressing them in tuxedos and top hats. However, Franco immediately spots them and has them disqualified. In a fit of mild protestation, Ozone rips off his sleeves and starts wildly gyrating. Turbo and Kelley join him in an attempt to endear themselves to the panel of elderly white judges while Franco pouts in the corner.

But will they convince the judges? Will they win a bunch of money and use it to finance some sort of off-off-off-off-off-off-Broadway dance show that includes a bunch of their friends and even--*GASP!*--their sworn enemies, Electro Rock? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek only vaguely remembered the movie, but he didn't remember seeing JCVD at all, so that was a pleasant, if somewhat disturbing, surprise. He is also upset about Electro Rock not getting proper names. THEY'RE PEOPLE, TOO, DAMMIT.

Larry really digs this movie, and he is shocked to realize that this is possibly the only movie where Shooter McGavin isn't the most terrible, self-centered human being alive. It gives him hope, all of which is immediately crushed when he sees JCVD dancing in that black unitard.

So put on your studded belts, get out those bandanas, and listen to this week's episode!