X-Men: First Class

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(A quick note: About halfway through the commentary, you may notice that Larry and I start getting giggly and talking about pants a lot. This is because we watched the movie with the closed captioning on--to keep background noise down in order to get better audio of us talking--and during the training montage, there is a scene between Charles and Erik where Erik tries to move a satellite dish with his powers. When he fails, the captioning just says "Pants." For some reason, we found this incredibly hilarious, and it just sort of leaked into the rest of the commentary. - Derek)

I think the aggressive Jazz Hands are what really sells it.

There are those who would argue that the X-Men are a metaphor for the Civil Rights movement. Others say they are a metaphor that represents the LGBTQ community as an outcast society. It could be either, or both. But above all, it will be about good mutants with neat powers, trying to stop bad mutants with other neat powers from destroying humanity in order to become the next step in evolution. But how did it all start?

It's this kid's fault, with a little help from Kevin Bacon.

Back in 1944, a young man named Erik Lehnsherr (Bill Milner) is being separated from his parents in a Nazi concentration camp. Does not take this well, and his reaction causes his mutant abilities to activate, giving him the ability to control metal. A scientist at the camp, Klaus Schmidt (Kevin Bacon) observes this and decides he needs to experiment with the boy. When he threatens to, and then kills the boy's mother, Erik destroys the lab and kills two soldiers.

Meanwhile, in Westchester County, New York, a young Charles Xavier (Laurence Belcher) discovers a young girl named Raven (Morgan Lily) with shape-shifting abilities rummaging through his pantry. Charles is happy to meet someone who, like himself, is "different," and he offers her a place to stay and access to anything she needs.

Much later, he would offer to build a hair salon for her. It...didn't go well.

Jumping ahead eighteen years to 1962, Erik (now played by Michael Fassbender) is travelling the world, tracking down more Nazis to kill, and he's having fun doing it. As for Charles (currently James McAvoy), he has graduated from Oxford, and he spends his time trying to pick up women by pointing out their subtle "mutations," such as eye color, hair color, etc. However, he keeps getting cock-blocked by Raven (who is now Jennifer Lawrence), who disguises herself as "normal" in order to go out in public.

In Las Vegas, a CIA officer named Moira MacTaggert (Rose Byrne) is tracking Schmidt, who is now going by the name Sebastian Shaw, and finds him at The Hellfire Club. She sneaks in and discovers that Shaw, along with his mutant crew--Emma Frost (January Jones), Riptide (Álex González) and Azazel (Jason Flemyng)--are pressuring Colonel Hendry (Glenn Morshower) to deploy nuclear missiles to Turkey, for some reason. Also, Shaw has a mutant power that allows him to absorb energy to keep himself looking young.

MacTaggart is having none of anyone's guff.

MacTaggert contacts Charles for advice about dealing with mutants, and she takes him and Raven to the CIA, where they meet a Man in Black (Oliver Platt), who takes them to Division X, where they hatch a plan using Charles' powers to find Erik and capture Shaw. They find Erik trailing after Shaw's submarine, but before he can get to Shaw, Charles stops Erik and lets him know he is not alone. Then they all go back to Division X, where they meet Hank McCoy (Nicholas Hoult), a scientist who believes he can create a serum to treat Raven's appearance without affecting her powers.

Meanwhile, Charles and Erik go in search of other mutants to join their team. The results are, for the most part, positive. However, not all of them are up for joining.

And the Fanboys did shout "Huzzah," and there was much rejoicing.

As Hank continues working on the serum, as well as new uniforms for the team, he has a setback which results in him returning to his pre-treatment form, a large, hairy blue Beast.

Charles begins training his team, including Erik, only to discover that his powers only act upon a strong emotional reaction. At first, he can only do it by focusing on the dark feelings, such as him mother's death, for which he feels responsible. But with the help of Charles, he manages to use more positive feelings to control it.

The other team members are ready and waiting, including Raven who is into Hank at first, but then tries to get her hands on Erik's goodies by disguising herself as different women. Erik tells her she is beautiful as herself, and she gets all squishy about it.

Shaw's team attacks Division X, killing Darwin (Edi Gethegi). Shaw himself invites the rest of the mutants to join him, and one of them--Angel (Zoë Kravitz)--takes him up on his offer.

Later, in Moscow, Shaw convinces the Russians to put missiles in Cuba, and with a shiny new helmet designed to block Charles from finding him, he goes off and starts the Cuban Missile Crisis. What a dick.

And it's time to slap that dick down.

MacTaggart gets Charles and his team together, and they fly a stealth jet out there to stop any sort of aggressive movements between the Russians and the U.S. Navy.

But will they be able to keep everybody calm? Will Erik get his hands on Shaw and, in doing so, squish his head like he did those Nazi soldiers? Why does Charles have hair and functional legs? What, to put a fine point on it, the hell is going on?

Line dancing. Lots of line dancing.

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek liked this flick. It was nice to see how the X-Men began, but he has a real problem with Erik's handling of Shaw in the beginning. Shaw had a submarine. Erik can manipulate metal. Why didn't he just crush the submarine and get rid of Shaw right away?

Larry also likes the movie. He is impressed by Michael Fassbender's extremely intense performance as Magneto. He also agrees with Derek about the poor handling of Shaw and the sub near the beginning. Also, pants.

So put on your Spandex jumper and put on your silly helmet! And get into this week's episode!