Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

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In case you weren't aware, we love bad movies. And our access to them was largely because of weekend monster movie shows. In Detroit we had The Ghoul and Sir Graves Ghastly to feed our B-movie hunger. But there were and are others; MST3K, Joe Bob Briggs, Ghoulardi and, of course, Elvira, to name but a few.

But only one of them made it to the big screen (before Mystery Science Theater 3000, that is), and that's the movie we watched this time around.

Let's get this out of the way right of the bat: Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) has a healthy set of breasts. They features prominently in her television show, and they are a large part of the conflict during the movie. Specifically, how much all the guys want to see and touch them, and how much all the other women are threatened by them. Oh, sure, you could argue that the main plot is about Elvira's Uncle Vincent (William Morgan Sheppard) trying to get her late Aunt Morgana's cookbook/spellbook from her, but they would be wrong. The main storyline here is Elvira's boobs, and how many different ways they can be exploited on film.

Anyway...

Elvira is tired of starring in a nationally televised program where she gets to lounge on a couch and show B-movies. What she really wants to do is go to Las Vegas and shake her goodies for the adoring up-and-coming goth crowd there. (That was a thing in 1988, right?) Unfortunately, she needs moolah to make that happen, because the hotel that wants to book her is insisting she pay for all the set decoration and whatnot up front for some reason. However, she has only the salary from her wildly successful show, and can't afford the cost of set design. Fortunately(?) her aunt picks just the right time to kick the bucket, and it turns out Elvira was named in the will! So she scuttles off the Falwell, Massachusetts, to see what her aunt left her.

Upon arriving in town, everyone is giving her the stink eye because she has her bountiful sweater puppies on display (as much as one can in a PG-13 movie, anyway), and they immediately take an intense dislike to her. Not nearly as much of a dislike as her Uncle Vincent does when she arrives at the reading of the will. Morgana left five thousand dollars to both her maid and chauffeur, and the rest of her belongings, including a dog name Algonquin and a run-down house in Falwell, to Elvira. Vincent gets nothing at all, and he is not at all happy about it. He does, however, know about Morgana's book, and he wants it for his own nefarious purposes. He offers Elvira fifty dollars for it, and she accepts, telling him to come by and pick it up later.

He seems delightful!

Back in town, Elvira immediately angers the town council by being, you know...hot. This causes friction between her and them, but the teenage boys in town are big fans, as is the young girl whose elderly parents own the local motel. They all offer to help her repair the house so she can sell it and use the money to get to Las Vegas and do her show. She also befriends Bob (Daniel Greene), the slow-witted owner of the local movie house. He is the only man in town to whom she is willing to give up access to her goods, despite what the town council might think.

Vincent stops by to get the book, but the dog, now affectionately referred to as "Gonks," hides it so she can't find it. She tells Vincent she will find it and get it to him as soon as she can. He huffs and snorts before leaving.

Subtlety at its best!

After the repairs are done, Elvira needs to find a job until she can sell the place, but nobody in town will hire her, largely due to the reach of Chastity Pariah (Edie McClurg) and Bob's "sorta" girlfriend Patty (Susan Kellerman). So she makes a plan with Bob to do a live show at his theater, where she'll show a movie and entertain the kids. The kids' parents have other ideas, and they push the school to give detention to anybody who attends.

The night of the show, Elvira goes to the local bowling alley, where the kids hang out, and guilts them into going to her show. She also takes a quit minute to punch Patty's tits right off, giving one confused teenage boy a lot to think about.

This movie is not ONLY about her br--...Oh...

The show is a massive success, as she screens Attack of the Killer Tomatoes for the crowd, and then performs a Flashdance-style dance routine, ending it what was supposed to be a bucket of gold glitter being dumped on her. A vengeful Patty, however, switches the bucket out with one full of black paint, and a slightly less icky Carrie-esque moment occurs when Elvira is covered head-to-toe in paint.

Later that evening, Elvira washes all the paint off and then throws herself at Bob, who seems shocked and a little horrified at the idea of touching a lady, but he gives it a try, and it seems to be going well until Elvira finds the book stashed under a couch cushion. She offers to make dinner from the recipe book and sets about putting it together. It all seems to be going well until she lifts the lid to stir it, and then a murderous Muppet tries to kill her, leading to a Gremlins-like kitchen battle ending with the Muppet ground to bits in the garbage disposal. She and Bob then follow Gonks up to the attic, where they find a box with a letter from Aunt Morgana, explaining where Elvira came from, as well as the origin of the ring she always wears. It turns out that it's magic!

Okay, that might be a bit of pandering.

The next day, during a town picnic, Elvira remakes the dish from the night before, but substituting one of the ingredients. It does not get the expected result, instead making all the old people horny, and causing a gross, wrinkly orgy right in the middle of the park, with the town's horrified teenagers looking on in terror as Chastity tries to sit on someone's face. In this PG-13 movie. Really.

Suitably disgusted with themselves and each other, the town council gets together to point fingers at the cause, and Vincent is there to help them along, pointing out a law on the state's books prohibiting witchcraft and spellcasting, and suggesting Elvira has been up to both. So the townspeople gather up their pitchforks and torches to capture Elvira. Their plan: burn her at the stake, just like the old days.

Oh, for crying out loud...

Will she escape with the help of a small group of scrappy, intelligent kids? Or will Vincent get the book? Will Gonks play any part in this? Will Elvira make it Las Vegas? Also, "titboobs"?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek is shocked at the number of blowjob jokes in this, again, PG-13 movie. He is unsure what the teenager with the Sally Jessie Raphael glasses is, gender-wise. No judgments or anything. He just wants some clarification, is all. And, again, "titboobs"?

Larry loves this film. He wishes it was more horror than comedy, but the comedy that is in there is right up his alley. He is also confused about "titboobs," even though he is the one who coined the word. No doubt, there will be further investigation.

Jake makes a good point about wanting the humor to more more like the unintentional kind you might find in a B-movie. He thinks this was sanitized too much to make it anything special. He also has a much better idea for the kind of movie Elvira needs to be in.

So put on your wig, throw on a tight corset with a spider motif, and listen this week's episode!