House on Haunted Hill (1959)

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In April of last year, the guys sat down to watch the 1999 remake of The House on Haunted Hill. Their responses to it were mixed. So for this year's Halloween marathon (dubbed as The Price is Right Halloween Marathon by Jake), it seemed appropriate that they should watch the original 1959 William Castle version, starring Vincent Price and an ensemble cast of vaguely familiar faces, some of which are very punchable.

And booze. Lots of booze.

Frederick Loren (Price) is throwing a birthday party for his wife, Annabelle (Carol Ohmart), at an Andrew Lloyd Wright-designed house he rented for the occasion. It's a pretty unconventional party, in that the five guests Frederick invited do not know him or his wife, and also his wife hates him and has tried at least once in the past to poison him to death. Oh, and the house is supposedly haunted. So you know a good time is going to be had!

Among the guests is Watson Pritchard (Elisha Cook), who owns the house, and he takes everyone around for a tour, taking special care to show them the pool of acid under the floor of the basement. Apparently, it was installed so a previous renter who made wine could shove people into it who didn't care for his product. Pritchard tells everyone that the house is haunted, prompting two of the guest--Lance (Richard Long) and Nora (Carolyn Craig)--to hang back after the group leaves the basement so the two of them can investigate further. Immediately, Lance locks himself in a closet and gets knocked out, and Nora screams bloody murder when she sees what she believed to be a ghost.

Marty! We've got to go back...to the FUTURE!

Back upstairs, Frederick explains to everyone why he invited them and how he will give anybody who stays the entire night ten thousand dollars. He also passes out guns as party favors. He really wants someone to die, apparently.

Nora comes running in and tells everyone that Lance is missing in the basement. She also tells them about the "ghost" she saw. They all follow her back down there and find Lance in the closet he went into, unconscious on  the floor. when they wake him up, he explains that he didn't see who hit him, and Nora starts freaking out, so everyone goes back upstairs, where Dr. Trent (Alan Marshal) treats the bump on Lance's head and Nora's breakdown continues as she demands to go home,and everyone else freshens their drinks.

Booze: It's what's for dinner!

Frederick attempts to allay Nora's fears by explaining that the "ghost"she saw was actually the caretaker's (Howard Hoffman) blind wife (Leona Anderson), just as they both appear at the room's entrance. Their appearance doesn't help their case,and Nora continues to say she wants to leave. The decision is taken away from her, however, when the caretakers leave before Frederick can explain to everyone that they can leave with the caretakers before midnight if they don't want to stay. Whoops.

From there, things start going downhill immediately. Nora tells Lance something tried to strangle her and leave her for dead. Lance thinks this is great, because whatever it was--the both believe it may be Frederick--will think she's dead and leave her alone. In the meantime, Lance and Dr. Trent start poking around, trying to find clues, when they hear a scream. They find Annabelle hanging from a noose in the hallway upstairs, but they don't think it was suicide; instead, they suspect Frederick, which is not really a reach, as they had all seen and heard the two of them arguing.

For his part, Pritchard decides to guard all the booze by keeping it safe in his belly.

Determined to make sure no more people die, Lance and Dr. Trent tell everyone to stay in their rooms with their guns at the ready, should the killer decide to visit. In her room, Nora sees the ghost of Annabelle outside her window, and a rope comes through it and tries to strangle her. However, she yells "NO!" at it until it goes away. Then she turns around and immediately runs out the door, eventually making her way to the basement.

Dr. Trent and Frederick split up and search the house. Lance, for his part, leaves his room and finds a secret room where,once again, he gets trapped. This guy is about useless. Dr. Trent meets up with Annabelle, who is not only not dead, but is also plotting with him to kill Frederick because Dr. Trent is diddling her pooter. Their plan involves getting Nora so worked up that she shoots anybody who comes near her, and then making sure that the one person who comes hear her is Frederick. It's foolproof!

And get this: It actually works! Frederick works his way to the basement, where Nora has run from the "ghost" of Annabelle. As he walks in, she turns and shoots him. She runs out, and Trent comes in to get rid of the body by dropping it in the acid pit. Annabelle comes in shortly after to make sure the deed was done, and she is confronted by a skeleton waling toward her!

Say, baby...Come her often?

Is it the ghost of Frederick? Is it one of the other people who have died there? And what happened to Lance? Will Pritchard run out of booze and tear a hole through the wall to get outside so he can find more? And is Nora nuts or what? Also, what the hell? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake liked Vincent Price better in this than in the last movie because he was more...Vincent Price-y. He was also deeply impressed by the skeleton special effects. They are SO realistic! His one complaint is the lack of actual haunting in this haunted house movie. Not a lot of ghosts happening.

Derek is really worried about Pritchard's liver. This dude is constantly knocking back the booze. A few times, he even grabs for the bottle as Frederick is waving it around while he explains the rules of the evening. It's a little unnerving.

So get boozed up, lock all the doors, and check out this week's episode!

Pit and the Pendulum

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It's October again,folks! And you know what that means: The guys have chosen an arbitrary subject them to follow for an entire month! And this month, it's one of the Old Masters of Horror, Vincent Price.

And what a way to start! This time around, they're watching Roger Corman's 1961 adaption of the Edgar Allen Poe classic, Pit and the Pendulum.

Poe, Price, Pit, Pendulum...It's got everything!

Francis (John Kerr) is on his way to Spain in order to find out what happened to his sister, Elizabeth (Barbara Steele). Elizabeth's husband, Nicholas Medina (Price) has sent word that Elizabeth has died.

When Francis arrives, he is greeted by Catherine (Luana Anders), who at first tells him that Nicholas is unavailable, as he is grieving and not feeling well. This turns out to not be true almost immediately, as Nicholas comes out of his room to speak with Francis, telling him that Elizabeth died due to some sort of blood disorder.

And not at all anything to do with murder or anything.

Francis feels this explanation does not hold water, and his suspicions are confirmed when Dr. Leon (Antony Carbone) arrives for dinner and tells him that Elizabeth died of heart failure. Now quite angry at Nicholas, Francis demands to see his sister was interred. On the way there, they stop by the castle's torture chamber (a leftover from when Nicholas's father was a part of the Spanish Inquisition--nobody expected that), and Nicholas explains what really happened to Elizabeth: She became obsessed with the torture chamber and its machinery, coming more and more unglued, until she one day closed herself in an iron maiden. He also says that her last word was "Sebastian," Nicholas' father's name. (He also plays his own father in a different flashback.)

Once again, Francis calls "bullshit," and refuses to believe it's true. When he tells Catherine what he thinks, she tells him that Nicholas might be a little...off because, as a child (played by Larry Turner), he witnessed his father catching Isabella and his uncle, Bartolome (Charles Victor), in an affair. Sebastian reacts by beating Bartolome with a poker and torturing Isabella to death.

And, judging by his expression, he also walked in on his parents "doing it."

Also once again, Dr. Leon tells Nicholas that this is, in fact, not true at all. instead, Isabella was stuck behind a brick wall and left to die, a lateral change to the story, at best. This experience caused Nicholas to go just a little bit crazy, and he is now terrified that Elizabeth was also interred while still alive. Dr. Leon also rains on that parade, stating that there is no way that have happened, despite the fact that this is 16th Century Spain and they are basically cave people.

That evening, Elizabeth's room is the center of a lot of spooky stuff, including a voice whispering at the maid (Lynette Bernay), playing the harpsichord, and completely trashing the room. While searching the room, Francis discovers a tunnel that leads to Nicholas' chambers. and he accuses him of doing all this. By this point, Nicholas is so confused and messed-up that even he isn't sure he'snot doing it. This prompts them to go open the tomb where Elizabeth's body is kept.

WHAT'S IN THE FUCKIN' BOX?!

They discover a corpse with a horrified expression and scratches on the inside of the lid, causing Nicholas to faint and be carried off to his room. While he drifts in and out of consciousness, he hears a woman's voice whispering his name, coming from the tunnel between his room and Elizabeth's. He follows it and finds himself at Elizabeth's tomb, where he also finds a not-desiccated-corpse-at-all Elizabeth, starts walking toward him. Again, he freaks out and, not realizing he is being sort of corralled, soon finds himself at the top of the stairs leading down to the torture chamber.

With one final lunge, Elizabeth causes Nicholas to fall down the stairs. Immediately, Dr. Leon, who, it turns out, was having an affair with Elizabeth and had planned this whole thing with her, shows up and checks him, telling Elizabeth that "he's gone." Again, almost immediately, this turns out to be not true. He's not dead. But he's definitely not his normal self anymore.

"Normal"compared to his usual state, that is.

But what's wrong with him? Will bad things happen? And what about this pendulum thingie we've been hearing so much about? How does that fit in? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek is concerned about Dr. Leon's credentials. The guy is terrible at being a doctor, even by 16th Century standards. Someone should have looked into that. Also, how come he gets saddled with all the exposition? Probably because he doesn't have any patients.

Jake is surprised at the quality of this film, especially considering that it is a Roger Corman film. The sets are great. (Probably because they were used in a different, possibly bigger budget film--Corman did that a lot.) He also thinks Vincent Price was not suited for playing a grieving widower. But the crazy bit is good.

So slip on those pantaloons and frilly collar, and listen to the new episode!

Next of Kin

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The Outsiders...

Red Dawn...

Dirty Dancing...

Steel Dawn...

These are all movies that Patrick Swayze starred in during the eighties. He was also the star of the greatest movie--nay, the greatest thing--of all time...

Of course, they couldn't all home runs. And this time around, Jake and Derek watched one that was, at best, a bunt that resulted in an out: Next of Kin.

Patrick Swayze is Truman Gates, a Chicago cop who was born and raised in Appalachia. His brother, Gerald (Bill Paxton), follows him to the Windy City in order to make his fortunes in the field of cigarette machine filling. Unfortunately, Gerald gets caught in an extremely hostile takeover  of the vending machine company by some shady Mafia guy, led by Joey Rosellini (Adam Baldwin).

Not even remotely Italian.

Truman and his wife, Jessie (Helen Hunt), take Gerald's body back to Kentucky. Truman's family holds a funeral, and his older brother, Briar (Liam Neeson!), wants Truman to find the guys that killed Gerald and kill them right back. Truman wants to let the police do their job and arrest the bad guys. Briar is not willing to wait, so he heads to Chicago himself.

Upon arriving, Brian finds a hotel and befriends the clerk, Harold (Michael J. Pollard). Then he goes to visit the vending machine company, where he meets Rosellini and shoots the place up. Almost immediately after, Truman, who has returned home, shows up at the vending machine company and finds an empty shell from his brother's shotgun.

More Italian than Adam Baldwin.

Meanwhile, there is a power struggle going on within the Isabella crime family between Joey and his cousin Lawrence (Ben Stiller). Joey decides that Lawrence needs to go, and kills him after he finds out Truman had tried to get him to turn state's evidence against his own father.

Also more Italian than Adam Baldwin.

Truman finds Briar and arrests him to keep him safe, but not before they pound the snot out of each other in a bar. Truman then goes home and discovers that Jessie is pregnant. She tells him in the weirdest way possible, involving a teddy bear sitting at the dining room table. It's a short scene, but really odd.

While Briar is in jail, Joey's goons find out where he was staying and search his room, finding the shotgun he hid in the floorboards. (And possibly a lot of corn cobs, all symmetrically stacked and stripped of corn in an almost mechanical fashion. Maybe.)

Probably the closest to Italian, and furthest from Adam Baldwin.

Briar's gun is found at the scene of Lawrence's death, and Papa John Isabella (Andreas Katsulas) puts out a hit on Briar. Briar returns to the company and gets in a gun fight with Joey and his men. Briar kills two of Joey's men before Joey kills him.

FINALLY...Somebody who is at least a little Italian.

When Harold hears about the shootout at the company, he calls a number that Briar gave him in the event of something like this happening, and tells Briar's family what happened. Also, someone throws what may be blood or possibly marinara sauce at Jesse for some reason.

Meanwhile, Truman and the rest of the police figure out that Briar's gun at the crime scene was a plant, and Truman resigns so he can go after Rosellini. But will he be able to do it alone? Or will his family show up and help? Will Joey get away? You'll have to listen to find out!

Jake is shocked that, in an action movie from the eighties, starring Patrick Swayze, the female lead (Hunt) did not have a topless scene. It's not that he was particularly looking forward to it or anything, but it happened often enough in that decade that it would not have been a surprise here.

Derek is so very not impressed. Also, he and Jake both think that the movie should have been about Briar instead of Truman. Also, there's the whole corn cob thing mentioned earlier. Seriously, you have to have been there, but he does his best to explain it.

So put on your fedora, try not to make cousin-fucking jokes, and listen to this week's episode!

Cherry 2000

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Remember back in the mid-eighties, when the 2010s seemed so far away and futuristic? Back to the Future told us we would have hoverboards and flying cars! But it turned out that the 2010s of the 1980s would not be all wine and roses and dehydrated pizzas.

For instance, by the mid-2010s (again, according to the mid-eighties), sex toys, while more authentic-looking, would turn out to be non-waterproof,but also incredibly difficult to replace. Such is the premise of this week's movie, the 1987 Melanie Griffith vehicle, Cherry 2000.

Hard-drinking, Bozo-haired Melanie Griffith.

Sam Treadwell (David Andrews), a successful businessman,is a man who knows what he likes. And what he likes is a sex robot (Pamela Gidley) he keeps at home. After a particularly hard day at work, he comes home to his walking Fleshlight (with patented PleasureMouth Technology) and finds it doing dishes, which turns him on so badly that he has to have it right then and there. The robot, apparently with priority programming that requires it to stop whatever it is doing whenever its owner wants to rut, immediately ignores the dishes and drops on the floor to get down with Sam, leaving the water running, which overflows and shorts it out.

If it can't handle a little water, how does it deal with...you know...?

Crushed that his humpin' 'bot is broken, his repairman suggests he hire a tracker to take him to Zone 7, where these obsolete Cherry models are now stored. But before he can do that, his buddies take him to a bar/brothel called The Glory Hole,where he might try having sex with an actual woman. This does not work, as none of these women smell strongly enough of foam latex and gear lubricant.Oh, sure, there is some of that smell, no doubt, but not enough.

Now desperate, Sam seeks out the tracker his repairman suggested--E.Johnson (Melanie Griffith)--only to discover that she costs way more than he wants to pay. So he goes poking around  in dive bars, looking for someone cheaper. He finds Stacy (Brion James) and his partner, Slim (Michael C. Gwynne). Rather than help Sam, they attempt to rob him, only to be thwarted by their own stupidity. Sam immediately goes looking for Johnson so he can hire her. They hop in her Mustang and head out.

But not before attracting the attention of Robert "The Big Chin" Z'dar!

After a lot of driving, they stop so Johnson can rest, and Sam can listen to a  disc that has his Cherry 'bot's sex noises saved on it. When Johnson wakes up, she points out a ravine with a crane on the other side and explains her overly-complicated plan to use it to get to an underground reservoir where her mentor, Six-Fingered Jake (Ben Johnson), lives.

Johnson's plan, such as it is, involves pissing off the guys who own the crane by shooting at them, and then getting their car picked up by the crane and carried halfway over the ravine, then they have to kill the crane operator, and then get the car down into the ravine with a cable before the rest of the guys manage to kill them with rocket launchers.

Seems simple enough.

Somehow, this ridiculous plan works, and they get the car into the waterslide that leads to Six-Fingered Jake's hideout. Unfortunately, San screws it up when he slips and falls,causing himself and Johnson to let go of the rope connected to the back of the car that they were meant to climb down. They fall and slide until they land in a big pool of water, where they are found by Jake and taken back to his place, which is filled to the brim with toaster ovens, for some reason.

This guy knows how to cook a rattlesnake in three easy steps!

The guy who owns the site where the crane was, Lester (Tim Thomerson), sends some of his thugs to kill Sam, Jake and Johnson. Jake and Johnson escape, but Sam is knocked out and taken back to their base which appears to be some kind of trailer park from the 1950s. His ex-girlfriend, Elaine (Cameron Milzer), who now goes by the name of Ginger, tells him Jake and Johnson were killed. Lester offers to let Sam into his group, and Sam agrees, but starts regretting this decision when he watches Lester kill a tracker that made his way into the group.

Fortunately for Sam, Jake and Johnson aren't dead, and they arrive to save him, taking time allow him to set all of Lester's vehicles on fire and blow up a warehouse full of bees. (The bees are never explained.)

Nor are the clothing and accessory choices of Lester's men.

Sam and Johnson get away and, after a brief make-out session after Sam crashes Johnson's car, head to a gas station owned by a friend of Jake's named Snappy (Harry Carey, Jr.). Jake rejoins them, only to be killed when he discovers Snappy has informed Lester that Sam, Johnson and he are there.

Johnson gets to work fixing an airplane so she and Sam can fly to the factory where the Cherry 2000 'bots are, and they just manage to get airborne as Lester and his men show up.

But will they make it? Will Sam find a replacement for his beloved sex toy? Or will he give Johnson a try and see if an actual vagina is better?You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek can't get over how stupid the premise of this movie is. Especially now, when you can order a Fleshlight on Amazon Prime and have it two days later. And the potential for being electrocuted by it is greatly reduced.

Jake is bothered by the lack of a decent script that could have made this a slightly darker, but still entertaining sex-focused version of Blade Runner. Also, he doesn't like Sam, as there is really nothing about him to like,

Larry is straight-up enraged by the lack of structure in the movie, as well as how disinterested Melanie Griffith seems to be. He also dislikes Sam, like any right-thinking person should. Seriously, the guy is just so punchable.

So start the excessively complicated ignition of your futuristic classic car, stock upon hand sanitizer, and checkout this week's episode!

X-Men: First Class

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(A quick note: About halfway through the commentary, you may notice that Larry and I start getting giggly and talking about pants a lot. This is because we watched the movie with the closed captioning on--to keep background noise down in order to get better audio of us talking--and during the training montage, there is a scene between Charles and Erik where Erik tries to move a satellite dish with his powers. When he fails, the captioning just says "Pants." For some reason, we found this incredibly hilarious, and it just sort of leaked into the rest of the commentary. - Derek)

I think the aggressive Jazz Hands are what really sells it.

There are those who would argue that the X-Men are a metaphor for the Civil Rights movement. Others say they are a metaphor that represents the LGBTQ community as an outcast society. It could be either, or both. But above all, it will be about good mutants with neat powers, trying to stop bad mutants with other neat powers from destroying humanity in order to become the next step in evolution. But how did it all start?

It's this kid's fault, with a little help from Kevin Bacon.

Back in 1944, a young man named Erik Lehnsherr (Bill Milner) is being separated from his parents in a Nazi concentration camp. Does not take this well, and his reaction causes his mutant abilities to activate, giving him the ability to control metal. A scientist at the camp, Klaus Schmidt (Kevin Bacon) observes this and decides he needs to experiment with the boy. When he threatens to, and then kills the boy's mother, Erik destroys the lab and kills two soldiers.

Meanwhile, in Westchester County, New York, a young Charles Xavier (Laurence Belcher) discovers a young girl named Raven (Morgan Lily) with shape-shifting abilities rummaging through his pantry. Charles is happy to meet someone who, like himself, is "different," and he offers her a place to stay and access to anything she needs.

Much later, he would offer to build a hair salon for her. It...didn't go well.

Jumping ahead eighteen years to 1962, Erik (now played by Michael Fassbender) is travelling the world, tracking down more Nazis to kill, and he's having fun doing it. As for Charles (currently James McAvoy), he has graduated from Oxford, and he spends his time trying to pick up women by pointing out their subtle "mutations," such as eye color, hair color, etc. However, he keeps getting cock-blocked by Raven (who is now Jennifer Lawrence), who disguises herself as "normal" in order to go out in public.

In Las Vegas, a CIA officer named Moira MacTaggert (Rose Byrne) is tracking Schmidt, who is now going by the name Sebastian Shaw, and finds him at The Hellfire Club. She sneaks in and discovers that Shaw, along with his mutant crew--Emma Frost (January Jones), Riptide (Álex González) and Azazel (Jason Flemyng)--are pressuring Colonel Hendry (Glenn Morshower) to deploy nuclear missiles to Turkey, for some reason. Also, Shaw has a mutant power that allows him to absorb energy to keep himself looking young.

MacTaggart is having none of anyone's guff.

MacTaggert contacts Charles for advice about dealing with mutants, and she takes him and Raven to the CIA, where they meet a Man in Black (Oliver Platt), who takes them to Division X, where they hatch a plan using Charles' powers to find Erik and capture Shaw. They find Erik trailing after Shaw's submarine, but before he can get to Shaw, Charles stops Erik and lets him know he is not alone. Then they all go back to Division X, where they meet Hank McCoy (Nicholas Hoult), a scientist who believes he can create a serum to treat Raven's appearance without affecting her powers.

Meanwhile, Charles and Erik go in search of other mutants to join their team. The results are, for the most part, positive. However, not all of them are up for joining.

And the Fanboys did shout "Huzzah," and there was much rejoicing.

As Hank continues working on the serum, as well as new uniforms for the team, he has a setback which results in him returning to his pre-treatment form, a large, hairy blue Beast.

Charles begins training his team, including Erik, only to discover that his powers only act upon a strong emotional reaction. At first, he can only do it by focusing on the dark feelings, such as him mother's death, for which he feels responsible. But with the help of Charles, he manages to use more positive feelings to control it.

The other team members are ready and waiting, including Raven who is into Hank at first, but then tries to get her hands on Erik's goodies by disguising herself as different women. Erik tells her she is beautiful as herself, and she gets all squishy about it.

Shaw's team attacks Division X, killing Darwin (Edi Gethegi). Shaw himself invites the rest of the mutants to join him, and one of them--Angel (Zoë Kravitz)--takes him up on his offer.

Later, in Moscow, Shaw convinces the Russians to put missiles in Cuba, and with a shiny new helmet designed to block Charles from finding him, he goes off and starts the Cuban Missile Crisis. What a dick.

And it's time to slap that dick down.

MacTaggart gets Charles and his team together, and they fly a stealth jet out there to stop any sort of aggressive movements between the Russians and the U.S. Navy.

But will they be able to keep everybody calm? Will Erik get his hands on Shaw and, in doing so, squish his head like he did those Nazi soldiers? Why does Charles have hair and functional legs? What, to put a fine point on it, the hell is going on?

Line dancing. Lots of line dancing.

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek liked this flick. It was nice to see how the X-Men began, but he has a real problem with Erik's handling of Shaw in the beginning. Shaw had a submarine. Erik can manipulate metal. Why didn't he just crush the submarine and get rid of Shaw right away?

Larry also likes the movie. He is impressed by Michael Fassbender's extremely intense performance as Magneto. He also agrees with Derek about the poor handling of Shaw and the sub near the beginning. Also, pants.

So put on your Spandex jumper and put on your silly helmet! And get into this week's episode!

Silent Hill

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Let's be honest: Video game movies have not exactly managed to hit it out of the park, quality-wise, for the most part. For every Tron (a movie about video games that, itself, spawned a video game) there is a Super Mario Bros. or a Street Fighter.

But every once in a great, great while, somebody gets it right. And that brings us to Silent Hill, this week's movie commentary. Based on the popular horror/adventure game of the same name, it follows Rose (Radha Mitchell), whose adopted daughter, Sharon (Jodelle Ferland) is having nightmares about an abandoned town. Although her husband, Christopher (Sean Bean), is against the idea, Rose takes her daughter to the town, which has had a fire going under it for thirty years, much like that Pennsylvania town that actually exists.

But without as much blood splatter.

When she stops for gas on the way, Rose catches the attention of a motorcycle cop named Cybil (Laurie Holden), who follows her. Rose tries to get away, but a little girl steps into the middle of the road, causing Rose to swerve and crash, knocking her out.

Rose wakes up the nest day to find that she is actually in Silent Hill, and Sharon is no longer in her car. She goes looking for Sharon, following the little girl she almost hit with her car, through the town because she thinks it is her daughter. This turns out to be a really bad idea because the town keeps switching back and forth from an abandoned, ash-covered town to a hellscape full of monsters that want to kill her and, one assumes, eat her soul or some such thing.

The naughtiest of nurses. Tell us they are soul-eaters. We dare you.

There's also a giant muscly guy with a big metal helmet called Pyramid Head. He has a giant sword, as well, and seems really intent on murder. You have to admire that kind of dedication.

Rose finds a woman named Dahlia Gillespie (Deborah Kara Unger), who tells her about her daughter, Alessa (also played by Jodelle Ferland with extreme creepiness), who was burned by a bunch of crazy cult people in town called The Brethren. A little freaked out, Rose heads back to her car to get her phone and call her husband for help, only to meet up with a now very unhappy Cybil, who handcuffs her and leads her back into town.

And, from the look of this photo, to drop her latest rap diss.

Christopher, meanwhile, is trying to get to Silent Hill himself, but that seems unlikely because the police won't let him through, until he meets Officer Gucci (Kim Coates). Gucci has no intention of letting Christopher go there alone, but is willing to accompany him to search for Rose and Sharon.

They wander around the town (the "normal," non-hellscape version) and look for Christopher's family, but they are unable to find anyone, even when Rose is in the same hallway, but in the other version of the hallway. When they check the orphanage where Sharon was adopted, and Officer Gucci tells Christopher that he crew up in Silent Hill and saves Alessa from being burned by the crazy cult people. He then suggests Christopher go back home and let the police do their job.

Meanwhile, Rose and Cybil are being pursued by Pyramid Head and his pet roaches, and although he eventually goes away, they are captured by The Brethren. Fortunately, Cybil holds them off long enough for Rose to escape and keep searching. Cybil, for her efforts, is beaten repeatedly and taken back to a hotel, where The Brethren meet.

Headed by the Borg Queen.

Turns out The Brethren have a way of dealing with people like Cybil: They tie them to ladders and then sacrifice them with fire, hoping to appease some god or other, and keep them safe from Pyramid Head.

Rose, meanwhile, is still searching, and she discovers that the reason Alessa was supposed to be burned is because her mother had her out of wedlock. A further flashback explains that these yahoos burning Alessa is what started the fire that caused the town to be abandoned in the first place.

Sharon is captured by The Brethren, and is going to be the next sacrifice, but that gets interrupted by Rose, who confronts Christabell (Alice Krige), only to be stabbed. Luckily, this summons Alessa and her dark counterpart, causing a scene that would fit right into a Hellraiser fan film. It gets messy.

Especially when this guy shows up.

But will Rose and Sharon escape? Will they get back home to Christopher? Will this generate a number of sequels, even though there was really no reason for them? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek likes this movie, although he has issues with Pyramid Head's helmet. And his name. Really, pretty much everything about the guy. Sure, he's dedicated to his job, but is it really fulfilling? Probably not.

Larry loves, loves, loves this movie. He believes it's about the only video game movie that got it right, despite having seen Jackie Chan's City Hunter. He also gets really excited about the woman getting her skin ripped right off her body.

Jake likes it, too, although he has legitimate concerns about the quality of the CGI. Sure, they looked pretty good, but they felt way too rushed, and the compositing seems a bit lacking. Still, for a $50 million flick, it looks pretty good.

So get your blood bucket and your giant, unwieldy helmet, and listen to this week's commentary!

Independence Day

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A Note from Derek: Hi, everyone. First off, sorry it took so long to get this episode up. There were all kinds of audio issues with it--Larry's mic didn't sound like it was working, the movie's volume was all over the place, so there are moments where you can't hear anything followed by ear-shattering blasts of high volume, etc.--so I had to spend a lot of time trying to clean it up. We're a low-budget setup here, so it's not really easy. Still, I did the best I could.

Second, I want to remind everybody that this episode, like the previous one, is a commentary, so you're going to want to watch the movie while you listen to get the full effect. If you're not feeling that, jump to the last half hour to listen to us talk a bit about it after watching. I get unnecessarily mad at Roland Emmerich. It's fun!

Anyway, just wanted to give you all a heads-up on the issues with this episode. Also, if you get a chance, wish Larry a Happy Birthday. His birthday is this coming Thursday!

Now let's get on with this! I'll just push play and--

Whoops!

Ah, summer. You are just so wonderful to the moviegoing public! What with your discount matinees, frostbite-inducing air conditioning, and huge piles of big, stupid movies! And this one is no exception!

Bad news, guys; aliens have decided to come to Earth. And not the friendly, magical E.T.-types that look like a friendly pile of glow-in-the-dark foreskin. No, these are the other kind: Tentacle-wielding evil calamari with designs on destroying all of humanity in order to milk the planet dry of resources and then leave.

Ladies and gentlemen...DESTINY'S CHILD!

And although they have thousands of spaceships and lots of "pew-pew" lasers, we have a Will Smith and a Jeff Goldblum! Throw in a Bill Pullman, the leathery goodness that is Robert Loggia, and a pre-meltdown Randy Quaid, and that pretty much evens us up.

Let's try to get this in some sort of order, shall we?

Randy Quaid is Russell Casse, a drunk pilot. He gets fired after dusting the wrong field, and spends a good portion of the movie ignoring his three children (James Duval, Lisa Jakub, and Joseph Gordon Levitt) and being sauced in a diner while local hillbillies harass him about his stories of being abducted by aliens.

Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum is David Levinson, a recently divorced guy who runs a cable company that has a built-in Harvey Fierstein. David also has an elderly father, Julius (Judd Hirsch), who plays chess and lectures his son about forgetting about his ex-wife.

Really, all of these people are secondary characters.

David's ex-wife, Constance (Margaret Colin), works for President Bill Pullman, who is popular, but too young, apparently. He has wife (Mary McDonnell) and a daughter, and is trying to make it all work while running the free world when the aliens arrive.

Over in California, Captain Stephen Hiller (Will Smith) and his girlfriend Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox) are doing what a modern, unmarried movie couple does: Being smarmy and allowing the child that lives with them do whatever he wishes, unsupervised.

When Hiller is recalled to his base to see what these aliens are all about, he is met by a rogue Harry Connick, Jr., who is his best friend.

Best friend...for now.

After the White House first attempts to make friendly contact with the aliens and it goes bad, they decide to be a bit more stern the next time around, scrambling Hiller, Connick, and the rest of their Top Gun leftovers to attack the big ship over L.A. It does not go well, but at least Harry Connick, Jr. gets blown up, so it's not a total loss. Also, Stephen does manage to cause an alien ship to crash so he can punch its pilot.

The aliens, having been picked up on enough, open up their big lasers and destroy every major city around the world, turning the landscape into smoking piles of rubble. The White House, now severely disappointed, decides to try nuking the ship over Houston, Texas. When that doesn't work, they can't figure out what to do next.

Karaoke, maybe?

Fortunately, David has figured out how the aliens are communicating, and he goes to Washington, D.C. to tell his ex-wife and the president about it before the aliens destroy everything, and he and his father manage to hitch a ride on Air Force One when everything goes banana-shaped.

With Stephen at the Air Force Base, Jasmine is left to get out of town with her son and manages to do so just in time. But after the attack, her car is destroyed and she has to steal a fire engine to get around, which is handy, because she starts picking up survivors, including the First Lady, whose helicopter didn't take off quick enough. They begin heading toward the airbase, hoping to find some help, only to find nobody.

Stephen, worried about Jasmine and her son, commandeers a helicopter (because if you're a fighter pilot, you can apparently fly anything) and goes looking for them, finding them at the airbase. There is much rejoicing.

Meanwhile, Air Force One and its passengers head to the mysterious Area 51, where it turns out that there actually is an alien spaceship that was recovered from Roswell, much to the president's surprise.

Even more surprising is that they left this guy in charge of it.

Once the entire cast is in the same place (along with thousands of other people), David comes up with a plan to set a computer virus loose in the mothership, which Stephen will fly him to in the captured alien ship. At the same time, President Pullman and Randy Quaid will join forces with all the other pilots and attack the ship heading toward Area 51.

But will the plan work? Do the aliens have an operating system that is compatible with David's laptop? Will President Pullman save the day? Or will Randy Quaid sober up enough to do it? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek is angry that Emmerich and Dean Devlin tried to put some sort of jingoistic rallying cry in the middle of an otherwise fun movie about blowing up aliens. But he gives it a miss because Jeff Goldblum is there, saving the world, just as he was meant to.

Larry loves the movie unabashedly and acknowledges that he is the prime target for a film like this: A male who likes lasers and spaceships and things getting blown-up. And he really digs the casting, arguing that this is really a great film.

Jake is impressed by the practical effects, of which there were many. A record-setting amount, possibly. Models were built...scaled cities were exploded...rubbery monsters were covered in mucus and released upon the cast. Good times all around!

So fire up your 28.8 modem, connect to an alien server, and check out this week's episode!

The Karate Kid (1984)

To listen/download, click here!

Ah, the 80s...Back when a scrawny little teabag like Ralph Macchio could carry a film. Of course, he had the calming presence of Pat Morita to keep things on a relatively even keel. And that's exactly what the guys got when they recorded a commentary for The Karate Kid!

Daniel Larusso (Macchio) and his mother (Randee Heller) are moving from New Jersey to California because Daniel's mom got a job. She believes it's a new beginning--a fresh start in a place that doesn't smell like hobo pee.

Daniel, on the other hand, is a typical teenager who wants no part of a fresh start, and he probably secretly enjoys the hobo pee smell. He looks like he would.

When they get to their new digs, there are immediate problems with the plumbing, and Daniel is dispatched to speak tot he maintenance man, Mr. Miyagi (Morita). Miyagi is aloof. He doesn't speak much. And when he does, it's in short, angry-sounding bursts of broken English. HE barks at Daniel that he will get to the plumbing after he finishes whatever it is he is doing.

Daniel, meanwhile, has made a friend, Freddy (Israel Juarbe), who invites him to a beach party that night, with promises of soccer in the sand, and a bunch of cute girls. And there is one particular girl, Ali (Elisabeth Shue, who would eventually dump Daniel for the more congenial and interesting Marty McFly a year later). Unfortunately for him, Ani's ex-boyfriend, Johnny (William Zabka), isn't quite over her yet, and he and his karate buddies go down to the beach and beat Daniel to a squishy pulp after Daniel provokes him. (This theme continues throughout the film.)

Even Alibeats him senseless after he provokes her.

Undaunted, Daniel continues pining for Ali, getting in fights with various members of Johnny's karate gang, called Cobra Kai. (That is actually the name of the karate dojo they go to, but it's basically a gang/cult sort of thing, led by an evil teacher named Kreese, who is played by Martin Kove.)

They even have matching jackets. It's like West Side Story, but with face-kicking.

Daniel also continues to antagonize the Cobra Kai guys, largely by being just so punchable, but also by being a real dick to them. Finally, after Miyagi rescues Daniel from potential death by karate on Halloween, Daniel convinces Miyagi to speak to Kreese about calling off his goons. They go to the Cobra Kai dojo.

There, an extremely racist Kreese calls everybody names, and then challenges Miyagi to a fight. When that doesn't happen, he demands to know what they want. Miyagi explains that it's unfair for a group of guys to jump Daniel, and they should leave him alone. Kreese disagrees, but tells the kids to leave Daniel alone after Miyagi suggests they all meet in two months to settle it at the All-Valley Karate Tournament, which is, apparently, a thing.

In the meantime, Miyagi agrees to teach Daniel karate, and starts him off by making him do all the housework and cleaning Miyagi has been putting off.

An important lesson to everyone: Read the fine print.

This goes on for a few weeks, where Daniel waxes Miyagi's vast collection of old cars, paints his house and fence, sands his backyard deck. All-in-all, a pretty sweet deal for Miyagi. Daniel, however, feels like he's getting hosed in this deal until Miyagi makes him perform the various specific motions he had to do while working, allowing Daniel to block punches and kicks like he has been doing it for years!

It still doesn't explain why Miyagi makes Daniel carry him around Yoda-style.

While he is practicing balance at the beach one afternoon, Daniel sees Miyagi standing on an old pier piling, doing some sort of kick. When he asks about it, Miyagi explains that it's an unbeatable move, and then he scares away some rednecks by karate chopping some beer bottles.

Things with Ali are a real rollercoaster while all this is happening. First, she agrees to go on a date with Daniel, and they have a nice time at a place called Pizza 'n' Stuff, but after Daniel gets his second beatdown from Johnny and his gang, he starts avoiding Ali. But then he decides to let it all go and get back with her. As he's about to meet up with her at a country club, he sees her dancing with Johnny, who spots Daniel and lays a big, sloppy kiss on Ali. Daniel runs away like a frightened toddler, only to get spaghetti dumped all over him, missing Ali getting pissed and slapping Johnny around.

After blowing Ali off for a while, her friend (who looks like a very young Sarah Silverman) informs Daniel about what happened at the club after he left, and he apologizes. Ali accepts, just in time to come cheer for Daniel at the karate tournament! Talk about lucky!

Daniel now must face the lesser Cobra Kai dudes and work his way up to facing off with Johnny, the current All-Valley champion. But will he make it? And if so, will he win? Will Miyagi make him build an addition on his house under the guise of "training"? (on that last one: Yes, but not until the sequel.)

We all know how this ends, right?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek feels like Johnny and the other Cobra Kai are getting kind of a bum deal in this one. Sure, they're aggressive toward Daniel, but the fact is, he is kind of a dick to them. Even when he has a chance to keep away from them, he antagonizes them. He should have lost.

Larry loves this flick, although he also agrees that Daniel is kind of an asshole. That doesn't stop him from wanting to watch this film over and over again! And, really, who wouldn't? It's great. Pat Morita is awesome, Elisabeth Shue is great, William Zabka is fantastic, and, yes, even Ralph Macchio is solid. Good stuff!

So put on your gi, start waxing on and off, and check out this new episode!