Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! To amuse nobody but myself, I am going to randomly insert a few .gifs featuring Patrick Stewart (whose show Blunt Talk I would highly recommend) during this week's post. F'rinstance, this:

Drink it in...

What a busy week  it was last week! So much stuff going on, and the hilarious folks at Twitter were right on top of it.

First, hedge fund manager and anthropomorphic talking sphincter Martin Shkreli showed the world what a colossal asshole he was by buying a 52-year-old drug that is very important to HIV treatment, and he jacked the price up by either 1350% or 1500%, depending on whose side of the story you're hearing. Either way, it was a shitty thing to do, and Twitter responded appropriately. Some pointed out Shkreli's personality (he really is a shitty human being)...

I could potentially kill more AIDS sufferers than AIDS itself... On the other hand: 💵. *ejaculates* -- Martin Shkreli

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 22, 2015

While others, including myself, noticed a similarity to another thing that was terrible and nobody liked...

Is it just me, or does festering dickhole of a human @MartinShkreli look like evil Peter Parker from Spider-man 3? pic.twitter.com/cec2BRmdjs

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) September 22, 2015

The backlash was pretty intense, and Shkreli finally caved in, sort of, and lowered the price "closer" to what it was before.

Patrick Stewart: Dancing Machine

Also, Pope Francis came to the U.S. for a visit. He saw the president, spoke to Congress, Told some jokes, and had lunch with some homeless people.

Biden: Good active listening. Boehner: Thinkin' about eating a hot dog. #PopeInDC pic.twitter.com/QPHDHBwe5l

— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) September 24, 2015

The above-mentioned lunch, it should be noted, took the place of a lunch invite from members of Congress. The Pope totally blew them off to actually do a pope-y thing. Good on him. And while I'll be the first to point out that I am not a religious person at all, I have a lot of respect for this guy because he is trying to bring his followers into the current century.

ARRRGH! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

And finally, possibly as a result of the Pope's visit, House Speaker John Boehner has surprised everybody by announcing that he will retire at the end of October.

Many are speculating that Boehner is basically doing an endrun around those that want to boot him from his position (the Tea Party wing of the Republicans) because they think he is a little too friendly(?!) with the Democrats. Personally, I have a different opinion.

BREAKING: House Speaker Boehner resigning to "spend more time with family." @absrdNEWS pic.twitter.com/SLpF0nnbb9

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) September 25, 2015

Either way, he'll be gone, and the guy that everyone thinks is going to replace him is already getting shit on by the Tea Party guys. Good luck to him on that.

I...er...What?

And so, now we're at this week's list. As always, there was a ton of funny, and picking just ten was difficult. However, I put myself through all this for you, the reader. Especially those of you who, for some reason, still won't take my advice and just go over there and join so you can see even more funny. But, hey...Who am I to judge?

Anyway, here's the list, in no particular order...

[me tying off a tourniquet in an alley] There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's

— Jhon Griffith (@JhonRules) September 16, 2015

that fart sounded like a care bear being beaten to death by the saxophone intro from careless whisper

— nige [ham] (@koalaslament) September 18, 2015

Day 65 of TGI Fridays endless apps. Our server looks on in horror as I eat his plastic suspenders. He has underestimated me. He must pay.

— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) September 23, 2015

Rain boots are a lot like vaginas. Adorbs before they're worn in but eventually, they make a sloshing sound every time you stick a foot in.

— Punkass Poison (@perchicoree) September 22, 2015

Take this all of you eat it, for this is my favorite. It was prepared by our Lord and Savior, Papa John. pic.twitter.com/5sacdZoAhc

— John Markowitz (@JohnMarkowitz) September 25, 2015

Martha Stewart vape juice flavors: Beige Foyer, Homemade Lambskin Condom, Prison Loaf, Dirty Linen Napkin, Herb-Roasted Human Head

— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) September 24, 2015

[Antiques Roadshow] A pacifier from 1910?! [sucks on it] WOW Me: Grandpa owned a brothel, that's a butt plug. TURN OFF THE FUCKING CAMERAS

— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) September 26, 2015

I'm going for a midnight swim in the ocean. If I get eaten by sharks, please tell hippies I hated them.

— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) September 27, 2015

I forget to call close friends for months at a time but once I saw a loose wig in an AutoZone parking lot and I think about that every day.

— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) September 26, 2015

The Venn diagram of Trump supporters and juggalos is a perfect circle. pic.twitter.com/8mLz32TQV0

— #1 UFO expert (@wienerherzog) September 20, 2015

And there you have it! So get out there and have an awesome week, will ya? And to kick it off, here's a remix of Patrick Stewart and other members of the Enterprise telling Wesley Crusher to shut up.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco