The Last Man On Earth

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Before Will Forte, Will Smith, and even Charlton Heston, Vincent Price was The Last Man On Earth.

Based very loosely on the Richard Matheson novel, I Am Legend, Price plays Dr. Robert Morgan, a scientist who, despite believing he is the last actual human left on the planet after a "vampire plague" overtakes the population, including his coworkers, his wife, and his daughter, continues to try to develop an antidote to bring back those few he hasn't murdered with stakes the he constructed himself in his free time.

"This may take a while. I have weak forearms. BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

That's right; when he's not doing science-y stuff, he cruises around the countryside in his station wagon, kicking in doors and straight-up killing people because he believes they are vampires. He makes this determination by exposing them to mirrors and garlic, the standard vampire identification tools. If they freak out, he sticks 'em like they're hors d'oeuvres.

Next on Martha Stewart's Living: What to do with leftover corpse meat!

After a lengthy flashback, Dr. Bob is attacked by more zombie/vampire guys who all talk like they're drunk frat boys trying to score some weed from someone else on campus. ("Bobbb...Let us innnn...C'mon, broooo...We know you're holdinnnnn'...") And when he won't let them in, they trash his car. So we get to see him go car shopping! And he chases a dog, too!

He also visits the New York World's Fair for an elephant ear!

Sadly, the little dog is infected with the virus/plague, and Dr. Bob does what any rational pet owner would do when his beloved canine friend (of about a day or two) becomes slightly ill: He pounds a stake through it, wraps it in a blanket, and throws it in a hole.

That's when he meets Ruth...

Ruth claims to have been hiding, and although she reacts poorly to Dr. Bob's garlic necklace (she has a tender tummy), she insists that she is not infected. Dr. Bob doesn't believe her, and gives her a transfusion of his own blood, and a thorough examination.

"Trust me. This is necessary. Open your blouse and say 'Aaah'."

Does Ruth have Vampire Rabies? Will Dr. Bob continue to kill people he doesn't like the look of? Will an army of beatniks come looking for him? You'll just have to listen to find out.

Jake is dubious of Dr. Bob's ability to kill anybody, much less vampire/zombie hybrids who can tear a car apart with their bare hands. Dr. Bob has a pretty weak swing, is what he means.

Larry refuses to call them "vampires". They are not vampires. At best, they are pale people who have image issues and don't care for Italian food. At worst, they are not-very-good zombies.

Derek is pretty certain that Dr.Bob is a serial killer, and all this vampire stuff is just happening in his head to justify his insatiable bloodlust and need to kill people. Just watch the movie. Everything he does seems like the activities of a murderous lunatic.

There's also an informal Vincent Price-Off, Force Friday news in The Lobby, a poorly-run Coming Soon segment, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory that is interrupted for some Nerd Rage, and another round of Jake's Game Show!

So sharpen up your stakes, put a lot of garlic and mirrors around, and listen to this week's episode!