Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Cripes, you guys...One week. That's all I wanted...Just one week without a bunch of people getting all dead because some asshole(s) decided they felt the need to exercise their constitutional right to, I dunno, aerate other people with assault weapons. In San Bernardino, California, 14 people were killed, and 17 more were injured. (I think...either number might be higher, but I haven't had the opportunity to read up on it. And, quite frankly, there's nothing I want to read less.)

So, in an attempt to make sure you guys keep your mind moving in the proper, non-murdery direction, this week's pics have googly eyes. You're welcome.

Don't make Dobby cry, you bastards.

Anyway, other things that happened last week include former vice-president Richard "The Dick" Cheney got a bust of himself installed at the Capital Visitors' Center in Washington, D.C.

Unveiling of Dick Cheney bust at the Capitol Visitors Center pic.twitter.com/gOEUP0UJ59

— meearf (@meearf) December 3, 2015

Astoundingly, he failed to burst into flames under direct sunlight. Who knew, right?

See? This is how ALL movies should be done...

Also, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have spawned again, this time having a boy and naming it Saint West. Wow. Just wow.

Kim Kardashian likes her men, the same way she likes her coffee... ...Without any musical talent whatsoever

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) November 4, 2015

Meanwhile, I kept my mind on other, more important stuff. You know...Deep philosophical things...

Today's fun thought: Imagine Buffalo Bill singing "All I Want For Christmas Is You". pic.twitter.com/ILnB2GR4oj

— Derek the Misfit Elf (@TheRealDCF) December 4, 2015

In a fit of holiday cheer, I cropdusted the line of kids waiting to see Santa at the mall today.

— Derek the Misfit Elf (@TheRealDCF) December 7, 2015

I know you are, but what am I?

Anyway, the folks on Twitter (which you should totally go join) had a field day this week, and the funny rolled on like some sort of rolling thing. So what say we haver a look at some of it?

In no particular order...

We survive by breathing in plant farts. Carry on.

— SYLVIA Cassidy (@SYLVIA8_3Cassid) November 29, 2015

a clown in a bungee noose bounces giddily in the wind *Squonk* with the cadence of gales *SquonkHawnk*

— BleachCobbler (@Puercotron) November 29, 2015

Baby, I'm like putty in your hands. By that I mean your fingers are going to smell weird after you touch me.

— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) December 1, 2015

"Bad dates." —Sallah snatching Indy's phone out of his hand before he can open Tinder

— yuletide UFO expert (@wienerherzog) November 26, 2015

DIAMONDS ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND, DIAMONDS ARE A BOYS BEST FRIEND, DIAMONDS USE MIND CONTROL TO GAIN YOUR FRIENDSHIP, DO NOT TRUST THEM.

— non human paul (@Death_Buddy) December 4, 2015

*drinks plain coffee out of a styrofoam cup *white girls in UGGs run away screaming

— C. (@bossy_bootz) December 5, 2015

It's hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

— tchrquotes (@tchrquotes) September 15, 2015

My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die I blame my mom for this

— EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) December 5, 2015

Why doesn't Clarence just tell George where the $8,000 is

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 6, 2015

One of my biggest fears is seeing two dogs having sex in any other position than doggy style.

— Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) December 5, 2015

And there you have it! Now get out there and finish the week with pure, unbridled awesomeness, will you? And remember: Just a little over a week before Star Wars: The Force Awakens hits theaters! So get out there and shine up your Darth Vader helmets and lightsabers!

I'm pretty sure this was an early prototype...

But before you do, check out this nifty clip from the guys at Loot Crate about modern lightsaber battles...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco