City Hunter

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The guys have wanted to do a Jackie Chan movie since they began doing this podcast. And when Derek decided it was time for it to finally happen, he went for one that neither Jake nor Larry would have even considered, largely because neither of them knew it existed: 1993's City Hunter!

City Hunter is based on a Japanese comic book and cartoon whose main character is a womanizing, self-centered detective who is supposed to be taking care of his dead partner's daughter, Carrie, but what really happens is, she takes care of him because she wants him to love her.

Good luck with that, Carrie. He doesn't seem interested in a monogamous relationship.

Does Dictionary.com even know what that word means?

In the movie, Jackie Chan is Ryu Saeba -- City Hunter! And his dead partner's daughter is played by Joey Wang.She looks after City Hunter by making sure he gets to meetings on time, taking care of the weirdly appointed home they share, and pining for him throughout most of the film.

When City Hunter gets hired to find a runaway girl, he finds himself having to stow away on a boat to get to her. He could have just gone ahead and boarded like a regular person, had he paid attention to Carrie, who offered to take him on the cruise ship for his birthday. But, being too wrapped up in trying to get his dick wet with any woman that is willing to make eye contact with him. (Except Carrie, natch.)

Or...uh...maybe other reasons...

The missing girl (Kyoko, played by Kumiko Goto) overhears a group of terrorists (led by Richard Norton as Colonel McDonald and Gary Daniels as his tiny-batched muscle) discussing their plan to take over the ship, is almost caught, and tries to run from them, finding her way to City Hunter himself.

Carrie, meanwhile, is fighting off the advances of a wormy Chinese version of Keanu Reeves, who is trying to get her to give up the good stuff.

Her lips say "no," but his eyes say "I'm going to sneak
into your room and watch you shower anyway."

Along the way, we discover Gundam (Leon Lai), a baccarat dealer who appears to have trained at the Xavier School. He can throw playing cards with deadly accuracy, very much like Gambit from the X-Men comics.

Okay, look: he's a Chinese version of Gambit. That's it. That's all we have to say about it.

Due to copyright issues, call me...Grambart.

Oh, and as if this wasn't nearly enough, there's a pair of secret agents/spies (Chingmy Yau and Carol Wan) that are also looking for the terrorists. And all of these people end up working together to save the girl and stop the terrorists.

Please...Never take your shirt off again, Little Junk.

After a series of wacky events, including Chinese Keanu possibly being ass-raped by one of the bad guys' armed guards.

This movie is incredibly weird and upsetting on so many levels. So, of course, you should totally watch it, right?

And be sure to give a listen to the...song(?) by a pair of Asian guys who dress like Milli Vanilli and "rap" like Eddie Deezen.

Larry is unable to determine whether or not he actually likes this movie. Even after a long conversation pointing out the good and bad parts, he's still unsure. He sure got a kick out of the Street Fighter fight scene, though!

Derek is very upset by the henchman in the tiny Speedo. And the implied molestation of the Keanu Reeves guy. And the fact that City Hunter had to think for a few seconds before agreeing not to have an affair with what was a ten-year-old girl at that point.

Jake also liked the Street Fighter scene, but he was equally unnerved by the musical number, which seems to go on for way longer than it should have. Like, a lot.

There's also fun stuff in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon (although nobody really cares about anything coming out other than Deadpool), Larry's List returns to its classic form, some Jake-ing Off about graphic artists, and Derek takes Larry and Jake on a Journey to Hogwarts Inside My Head.

So tune in and give it a listen!