Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! Sorry this week's list is a day late, but stuff happened, so I wasn't able to put it together until today. Still, better late than never, right?

Anyway, last Sunday was Valentine's Day, and everybody spent money on candy and flowers and dinners and all sorts of other crap to try and impress the one they love/care for/tolerate long enough to get naked with, and it was all gross and smoochy, as usual.

Of course, not everybody had this opinion.

Don't forget to pick up some flowers for your fleshlight.

— Trophy Knife (@sarah1mc) February 14, 2016

But really, you can't please everybody.

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

— BIG BERTHA (@canadian_jane) February 13, 2012

EXCEPT WITH EXPLODING FOOD!

A McDonald's cheeseburger detonates too early.

There were also a bunch of caucuses and other crap about people who want to be president, but I really just don't feel like talking about it. I just want to get a nice, cold drink and relax.

GAH!

Anyway, on the downside, an Uber driver in Kalamazoo, Michigan, decided to kill time between rides by driving around town and shooting random people. What an asshole. He was arrested, admitted to being involved, and refuses to say anything else about it. I hope they hang him by his thumbs until they fall off...

This looks strangely mechanical, and it concerns me...

And over on Twitter, people were funny. I might even go so far as to say they were darn funny. (Pardon my French.) So I pulled a few tweets to throw in your face and maybe convince you to come on over and join us! Here: have a look for yourself...

On mornings like this I'm reminded that hypochondriacs should not eat beets.

— caleodis (@caleodis) February 14, 2016

pic.twitter.com/263RmmXTPp

— Kas Thomas (@kasthomas) February 17, 2016

Ever been receiving oral sex from a meth addict with no teeth and wonder if your father is taking his blood pressure medication everyday?

— ShittyShittyGangBang (@ShittyComedian) February 13, 2016

It may be the whiskey talking but hello I'm a spoooooky magical talking glass of whiskey.

— John Moe (@johnmoe) March 15, 2010

If the body of Christ was bread, and the blood of Christ was wine...then Jesus was basically ALL empty calories.

— BetterRedThanDead (@kirisuto1738) February 16, 2016

Surgeon General's Warning pic.twitter.com/FjJUXPA7RQ

— Matthew Inman (@Oatmeal) February 16, 2016

"Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff"

I feel it says all u need to know about me

"He's drunk with a cheeseburger"

Yes

— Rolo XG ツ (@TheRolo) March 30, 2015

Beatles: Everything's fine
Stones: Everything's fine and we fuck a lot
Kinks: Everything used to be fine, now it's awful
Led Zeppelin: Orcs

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) February 17, 2016

Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.

— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) January 9, 2016

Looks like Jaden Smith opened a shoe store. pic.twitter.com/LojEXuZ4US

— You had one job (@DudeUHadOneJob) February 18, 2016

And there you have it! Pretty awesome, if you ask me. And, as you've come to my page to read them, I think we can all assume that you are asking me.

It'd be a shame if you didn't agree and somethin' happened to your Hot Pocket...

Now get out there and have an awesome rest of the week. And to help it along, here's a music video I did a few years back for my band at the time, Gypsy Moth. I animated the whole thing myself. Enjoy!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco