Road House

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This week, the guys took on the Herculean task of trying to put into words the majesty and complete perfection of the cinematic masterpiece known to the world as...Road House.

And while their feeble mortal minds can attempt to explain the greatest movie--nay, the greatest thing--ever created, be warned that those neanderthalic grunts and hoots cannot even begin to describe the grandeur of Patrick Swayze's performance as Dalton, an apparently world-renowned "cooler" with a philosophy degree, who trains bouncers in the art of hitting and kicking people into submission--in the most philosophical and zen manner possible--if they've had a few too many.

Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) travels to New York to see Dalton and hire him to clean up the Double Deuce, Tilghman's bar in Jasper, Kansas. It's a wretched hive of scum and villainy, if we here at Here Be Spoilers are any to judge, filled with violent customers, drug dealers, skimmers, hookers, dirtbags, former pro wrestlers, a guy who looks like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, Jeff Healey, and, of course, Keith David. And that's just the staff!

This is one of the more intellectual members of the staff.

When Dalton arrives in Jasper, he gets right to pissing people off, and it's not just the staff at the Double Douche. His landlord, a bearded hillbilly farmer named Jasper (no, really!), is at odds with Wesley (Ben Gazzara) because Wesley's helicopter and parties spook Jasper's horses. Also, Wesley is extorting money from everybody in the town, including Red (Red West), the owner of the local auto parts store.

Red's daughter (or granddaughter?), Doc (Kelly Lynch), is Dalton's medical practitioner of choice when he gets cut by one of Wesley's goons after Tilghman refuses to pay for protection from...Wesley's goons. As a result of her careful administration of staples, they have a bunch of gross and uncomfortable-looking sex against a fireplace made of large, pointy, and uneven rocks.

This movie has a lot of "Derp Face".

Between kicking people in the head and sex-having, Dalton spends his free time getting newer, less broken parts for his car, and doing Tai Chi in disturbingly tiny sweatpants and nothing else.

Seriously, dude...Check the tags before you buy them.

When Wesley's thugs cut off the Double Deuce's liquor supply, Dalton calls in his mentor, Wade Garrett (Sam Elliot, assisted by Sam Elliot's mustache), who arrives shortly after to mutter, be greasy, hit on Dalton's girl, and show off his astoundingly large man-bush.

Garrett's one failing is that he could never teach Dalton how to do a proper high-five.

Wesley's guys kill Garrett, blow up Jasper's house, blow up Red's store, and run over a bunch of station wagons at the town car lot with a monster truck, sending Dalton into a throat-ripping rage, and he goes on the hunt for Wesley.

Not Wesley, but extremely throat-rippy.

Will Dalton catch Wesley and go all Karate Kid on him, but, like, all philosophical? Or will the townspeople save Dalton the effort? Will Tiny marry the polar bear that took his virginity? You'll have to watch the movie to find out!

Derek doesn't just believe; he knows that this movie is the greatest thing in all of creation, even more so than the creation of the universe itself. When mankind looks back on all it has achieved during its tenure in this plane of existence, it will know that it reached its pinnacle in 1989, when Patrick Swayze arrived to tear throats and take names, and he doesn't care what your name is. Also, the film has a catchy soundtrack, so there's that, too.

Larry, like Derek, also has accepted that nothing mankind will ever produce, no matter how far forward science and technology and, yes, even the philosophical arts takes us, will make us as complete and enlightened as this film.

Jake was weirded out by Kelly Lynch's Klingon forehead-like chest. It has to be seen to be understood.

There's also Rogue One: A Star Wars Story news in The Lobby, a few good flicks Coming Soon, the best of 1989 in Larry's List, a lot of comments and conjecture about Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice while the guys are Jake-ing Off, and suggestions for new comic book movies Inside My Head (sponsored by Smoking Gun Cigarettes)!

So put on some tiny sweatpants, get oiled-up, and stretch your throat-ripping fingers as you listen to this week's show!