Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody! Sorry I'm late with the list this week, but I was feeling gross and sinus-y yesterday, so I spent the entire day on my couch, watching Impractical Jokers and Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

But I feel better today, and I've brought a pile of tweets to cram all up in your face! But before we go there, let's talk about how I spent last week, shall we?

AWWWWW YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!

First off, I had a nice, entertaining Easter Sunday. Jake and Larry came over to watch Digging Up the Marrow for last week's episode, and then Larry and I rocked some serious Cards Against Humanity.

Best @CAH play I've ever made. pic.twitter.com/nk2hapNHOw

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) April 4, 2016

I then spent the rest of my day contemplating the important questions about the holiday...

Easter: Because if you believe a giant rabbit wants to give you chocolate and hides eggs for you, Zombie Jesus is easy!

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 27, 2016

And a good time was had by all.

This has nothing to do with anything. I just want to say that
I would play this game until my thumbs fell off.

The rest of my week was filled with making fascinating discoveries.

The Subway at the mall one of those cool new Christopher Walk-Ins. pic.twitter.com/0cHEyZ1eg0

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) April 2, 2016

Not to mention, I also made some suggestions in ways to improve the world.

I think it's time Disney rebooted "That Darn Cat" as a gritty thriller.

Duane "The Rock" Johnson IS..."That Goddamn Cat"...

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) April 4, 2016

Now let's go look at the Twitter machine and see what it has to show, shall we?

Oh, wow...I think I typed the wrong address...

Wait, here it is...

GANGSTER: he's a snitch!

SNITCH: I ain't!

HARRY POTTER: *flys through window and grabs him*

*Gryffindor fans go nuts*

— cool-head bros (@thetits) March 29, 2016

[holds flashlight up to face]

...and we didn't have smartphones or bicycle helmets and gluten was EVERYWHERE

[3 kids faint, 2 vomit]

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) March 28, 2016

I am a man. We are a relatively simple primate. Easy to please.

Oh look...a shiny object

— DJ (@youngkrazz) March 28, 2016

The guy sitting in the table next to me with a suit the color of shit looks like he masturbates while reading the bible.

— María (@mbruin95) March 30, 2016

and a diet coke #pizza #pizzahut #pizzaparty pic.twitter.com/JKgCT1LrNP

— James Egan (@jameswzegan85) March 30, 2016

A photon on the streets, but all the wavelengths of the visible light spectrum in the sheets.

— ⚡LUCYBOT (@aurallyaudible) January 24, 2016

"Shit, someone else just walked into the washroom and now I have to pretend to wash my hands"
*McDonald's kitchen staff

— Wolfmann (@wolfmannjr) March 29, 2016

*takes babysitter home*

How you doin back there?

"Ok."

Good. Can you pedal for awhile? I'm pretty fucking drunk.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) November 23, 2014

Stop tweeting rap lyrics and go take your fiber, grandma.

— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) March 23, 2016

Shout out to Amish people for never starting shit on social media.

— Funkhouser (@AJslackie) March 23, 2016

And there you have it! Now go have an awesome rest of the week, will ya? And stay safe out there!

You have just kicked the shit out of dysentery!

But before you leave, check out this awesome single-shot Weird Al video from Mandatory Fun.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco