Starship Troopers

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Once in a generation, a movie comes along that portrays the horrors of war so starkly, and changes the landscape so completely, that we can never look at the world the same way again.

And then there are movies like Starship Troopers, which do none of that, but it's still a fun way to kill a couple of hours.

Coincidentally, the same about of time it takes these lunkheads to boot up.

Anyway, Casper Van Dien is Johnny Rico! Denise Richards is Carmen Ibanez! Jake Busey is inconveniently a part of this cast! Dina Meyer is Dizz Florez! Michael Ironsides is Jean Rasczak! Neil Patrick Harris is angry Nazi Carl Jenkins! And so many more...

Rico and Carmen are madly in love at the high school they attend with Carl and Dizz in Buenos Ares, because they are obviously South American. Carmen is planning a career in the Federal Service as a pilot, and Johnny is planning to follow her into the service so he can get a crack at her goodies. Unfortunately for him, he's kinda stupid, so he gets sent to the mobile infantry. Carl, on the other hand, is super psychic, so he gets shipped off to some secret project where he reads brains and stuff. And then there's Dizz...

Sweet, neglected, smokin'  hot Dizz...

Dizz is madly in love with Johnny (for some inexplicable reason), and she, too, enters the Federal Service. Not necessarily to follow Johnny, but, yeah, it's totally for that. She makes a strong impression on the drill sergeant (Clancy Brown) when she arrives at the same base Johnny is stationed, but continues to be neglected by Johnny, the shithead.

Johnny manages to impress his commanding officers enough that they give him a squad of his own, which he promptly loses after getting one of his men killed. So bad are things that Ace (Busey) gets the squad leader position, and Johnny gets a serious whipping (not a metaphor) in front of the entire base.

Thusly embarrassed, Johnny makes plans to head home to Buenos Ares, until an asteroid, launched from the alien planet of Klendathu, wipes out the entire city, including his parents. Turns out the reason there is a Federal Service is so humans can fight the bug-like creatures of Klendathu, who appear to be just defending their own planet from the interloping humans who have set up bases in their space.

Just a regular, bloodthirsty arachnid, trying to make its way through life.

Dick move, humanity! This is not why the Vulcans established First Contact with us! But I'm mixing my sci-fi elements...

Carmen, meanwhile, is off learning how to fly spaceships with Zander (Patrick Muldoon), a Sportsball player that Johnny faced off against when they were in school. While learning to work the stick in space (heh-heh), Carmen, who has now broken up with Johnny, is also working Zander's stick, if you know what we're saying.

Zander, as you can see, is a Rob Lowe knock-off.

While everyone keep talking about what a great pilot Carmen is, she almost crashes into a bug asteroid, ripping off a large chunk of the ship, and, later, gets blown up...twice. All the while, she maintains a vapid expression of mld confusion that would make any right-thinking person wonder what it wrong with her.

Johnny and the rest of the space marines (it's more futuristic when you add "space" to the front of it) head out to check on what is believed to be a Mormon outpost on another planet, only to discover that it was actually a military spying outpost, which has been attacked by the bugs, and all the people have been killed, with the exception of General Owen (Marshall Bell), who informs them all that the bugs have a way to get inside humans' heads and control them. They want more information, but before they can ask, the bugs attack again.

It's a trap!

The general is squished by a bug (irony!), and Rasczak is ripped in half by something large that comes from under the ground. Ace and Johnny attack the cave the bugs came from and then retreat. Along the way, Dizz also dies, and Johnny gets all weepy because, not long before, he finally gave up the goods to her and realized that she was a better choice than Carmen.

Johnny is once again put in charge of the squad, and he leads the ground assault on Klendathu, which does not begin well. Nor does the coverage up in orbit around the planet, be cause the ships get all exploded by farting lightning bugs, and only Carmen and Zander can escape before their own ship goes up in flames.

They crash their escape pod through the ground and into the bugs' cave, where Zander gets his brains sucked out by a space vagina with a straw built in.

So that's what they look like...

Will Johnny and his roughnecks manage to rescue Carmen before the vagina bug sucks out her brains? Will Carmen give up her goods to Johnny now that Dizz and Zander are gone? Will Reichmeister Doogie Howser be able to read the bugs' minds?

And can they stop Dr. Jones from stealing the Ark of the Covenant?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry had not been able to make it all the way through this movie until this viewing, and realized just how wrong he was to bad-mouth it last week. He's really sorry. Also, he is really into the blood and gore used here.

Jake has been a huge fan of this movie since he first saw it with his brother. He attributes this to his love of Paul Verhoeven movies and bugs that look like scary spider vaginas. (This also goes toward why he enjoyed Godzilla's Revenge so much.)

Derek picked this flick, and he does not regret it one little bit. He will watch it again with great relish. He also thinks Dizz is the hotter of the two female leads, and he cannot understand what Johnny saw in Carmen.

So polish up your jackboots, put on your armor, and listen to this week's episode!