Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Ugh...What a week.

It started out not-too-bad, but then, this past Friday, a bunch of assholes from ISIS made coordinated attacks in France, killing more than 100 people. Dicks. We here at Ugly Couchcast Industries send out our thoughts to those people and their families.

Okay...Now that we got that out of the way, can we start talking about funny stuff? Because sometimes that's what you just need to do to cope. You also need more pictures of people with "crazy eyes".

"I was heavily influenced by Marty Feldman."

First off, there was another Republican debate, this time hosted by their media branch, Fox. For the record, it was Fox Business, as if that matters.) The candidates were subjected to softball questions that they never bothered to answer, and they went over their allotted times to ramble about stuff nobody asked them about. *Yawn.*

Tick tock, goddamn it! Let's get this thing moving!

There was also a Democratic debate, but I have heard nothing at all about it, except that it didn't use its allotted time on CBS, so they ran an infomercial to use the rest of it up, as was noted by Paul F. Tompkins, who, as of this writing, still has not been on our podcast. (It's not that we know him or anything; it's just that he's been on just about every other one, and we've been patiently waiting our turn. Hit us up, Paul! We'd love to have you on!)

(1/2) Okay, CBS is running a standard-def informercial for an easy listening compilation. It's not even 9pm. pic.twitter.com/c6pzG9sW9f

— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) November 15, 2015

(2/2) Any TV networks that'll be broadcasting a debate & worried it'll end early, call me. I'll throw something together. I'm repped by UTA.

— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) November 15, 2015

Seriously, man...Be on our show...

You can do karaoke with us!

Another fun thing that happened was, hacker collective Anonymous released a big ol' list of racist douche-nugget butt muffins who are confirmed members of the KKK. There were a lot of Southern politicians on there...Shocking, I know. Even more shocking: Betty White was on there TWICE! (Just kidding. It was three times.)

The KKK had their names published by the group anonymous, just in case you missed the hoods, Swastikas, and the Confederate bumper stickers.

— Real Black (@NoThoughtsHere) November 11, 2015

Anyway...Tweets. You want 'em, and I just happen to have some freshly-picked ones I got from a guy in an alleyway, which is handy, because I hadn't pulled any this week. So it all works out! Neat-o, huh?

I got nothing for this...I just really enjoy Terry Gilliam's Monty Python animations.

And, as always, if you did what you see, head on over to the Twitter machine and join us...JOIN US!

So...In no particular order...

For a second I thought our sex tape had leaked online. Then I realized I was watching a video of two wolverines fighting over an elk carcass

— tarl bludworth (@tarlbludworth) November 8, 2015

Nothing says home like slippers that allow me to experience what it'd be like to put my feet in Grover's asshole.

— Jane (@jane_bot) November 7, 2015

I wouldn't put it past Dunkin' Donuts to sell a Thanksgiving-themed cruller filled with gravy. The saddest part? I'd buy it.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) November 9, 2015

My 8 yr old just called a stapler a paper smasher. I now put him in charge of renaming everything...

— Bogadafet (@nevels_kendyle) November 9, 2015

Strong enough to reanimate a recently deceased man, but PH balanced to reanimate a recently deceased woman. pic.twitter.com/Us1EwhhAUr

— Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) November 13, 2015

[Me looking out at a swimming pool full of lasagna] That's all [Genie] Are u sure? U have 2 wishes left [Me] Im sure

— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) November 13, 2015

Why is my Pornography Box making this strange sound? Wife: That's your phone. Your dentist is calling you. *Astonished* I have a dentist?!

— Dr. Mod (@doktormod) November 4, 2015

"And then the sex happens. You probably know more about it than I do, fill in the details yourself." - me writing a se*x scene

— Patrick Brennan (@Pat_Bren) September 24, 2015

Auto DM's would be better if they said stuff like "Hi, I'm Brandi. I love chicken wings. I have a ton of cat pictures I can trade with you."

— Scruffy (@dixonshuman) November 11, 2015

BEWARE OF ANTEATERS POOPING AS THEY FALL BACKWARDS OFF THE DIVING BOARD! pic.twitter.com/kDnSiix9zs

— Doctor Happyknuckles (@drhappyknuckles) November 13, 2015

And there you have it! Now get out there, be safe, bundle up, and make sure you have a better week this week, will ya? And to help that along, here is a short video of a basset hound dressed as Sherlock Holmes running in slow motion. You're welcome.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco