Krush Groove

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After a brief hiatus due to computer issues, the guys are back! And ready to look directly at another movie! This movie, however, had something to offer that Breakin' could not: A better soundtrack.

This week, Derek and Larry sat down to watch the 1985 straight-up classic hip-hop movie, s fictionalized version of the early days of Def Jam Records, Krush Groove, starring Sheila E., Run DMC (and Jam Master Jay), Kurtis Blow, Fat Boys, Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, LL Cool J, New Edition, Beastie Boys, Rick Rubin, and tons more. Oh, and Blair Underwood, because there had to be at least one person who had acted before.

Underwood is Russell Walker, owner of Krush Groove Records, a small record company that is starting to take off, thanks to their biggest act, Run DMC. Run (Joseph Simmons) is Russell's brother.

Siddown, rappers of today, and observe some real talent.

Krush Groove is exploding! Run DMC's new album is a huge hit and the orders are coming in fast, but Russell doesn't have the money to get them printed. His producer, Rick (Rick Rubin), is freaking out a little, but Russell promises that he'll get everything handled.

Meanwhile, the Disco 3 are at school, getting kicked out of class because one of them (Darren "The Human Beat Box" Robinson) keeps interrupting the class. He and his partners, Cool Rock Ski (Damon Wimbley) and Prince Markie D (Mark Morales), take to the hallways so they can musically harass a female classmate that Markie D digs. She looks super young, and it feels a little creepy. Fortunately, she blows him off.

Fortunately, they have an alternate plan to meaningful relationships: Buffet-style pizza!

Additionally, there is some disagreement between the three of them about whether or not to enter a talent contest. While Markie D and Human Beat Box want to do it, Cool Rock Ski is not onboard because he thinks the audience will make fun of them and not listen to their music. But after some further pushing by the other two, he agrees, and they head to the bar, where they are immediately stopped by a bouncer who refuses entry to them because they are under 21. They tell him they only want to perform, not drink, and after a small display of their abilities, he relents and tells them they can get in for a ten dollar cover. Unfortunately, they do not have the money, and they have to leave.

Later, Russell visits his father, Reverend Walker (Daniel Simmons), to borrow some money so the label can get some records printed. It starts out bad when Run and DMC walk into the church with their new song blasting on a boom box, and gets worse when, after refusing to give Russell the money, Reverend Walker tells him that he needs to get his shit together and get a real job.

That night, Run, DMC (Darryl McDaniels) and Jam Master Jay (Jason Mizell) accompany Russell to a club, where they see Sheila E. (as herself) and her band performing. Russell is into it, as is Run, who wants to meet her. Sheila's friend Karen (Karen Moss) encourages Sheila to meet him because he might have connections. And while Sheila agrees, she is far from impressed, pointing out that she does not listen to rap.

Oddly enough, she is a big fan of Prince, but nobody knows why.

The next day, Russell and Rick go to a bank in order to get a loan. Unfortunately, the loan officer, whose oddly-shaped head is incredibly distracting, turns them down, leaving Russell no choice but to go to Jay B. for a loan. The records get printed, and the artists start to chart.

Which brings us to a show where Kurtis Blow is performing. Terri Beiker (Charles Stettler) from Galaxy Records makes an offer to Russell for Run DMC, but Russell turns him down. But when Run DMC shows up and put Sheila onstage before them, they get into an argument and Run storms out, right into a limo where Beiker is waiting.

Kurtis is well-known for his renditions of Big Band songs from the 30s and 40s.

Beiker tells Run about the offer he made to Russell, and how he turned it down, further pissing-off Run, who decides to take Beiker up on his offer.

Later, just as Rick and some of the artists are doing auditions for new acts (in which we get to see a young LL Cool J force his way in to do a bit of his song "I Can't Live Without My Radio"), Run comes in and tells everybody he is moving Run DMC over to Galaxy, and they should come along because they could actually get paid.

Well, most of him. He appears to have left his pecs home.

Apparently, something happened with the girl Markie D was interested in that resulted in him having his pants ripped off. While his friends are berating him, Human Beat Box notices an advertisement in the newspapers Markie is using to cover himself, about a talent contest.

At the talent show, we get to see New Edition and a tiny bit of the Beastie Boys (like, one verse), and then the Disco 3 get up and do their thing.They don't win the contest, but Kurtis tells them that they can be the alternates, in case one of the winning groups can't perform.

At the same time, Russell finds Beiker and tells him that, for $100,000, he can have all the krush Groove acts. When Beiker tells him that he already signed Run DMC, a big fight starts, and then there's lots of yelling, and then Russell runs away and does chin-ups until Kurtis comes to talk to him. Russell tells him to go ahead and go to galaxy because Krush Groove is over.

The Disco 3, upset from losing, decide to comfort themselves with all the food at a Sbarro's. Really. All of it. And then they decide to embrace who they are and rename themselves Fat Boys.

Russell tries to push Sheila's new record, but nobody wants it. At one club, he is confronted by a couple of Jay B.'s goons, who crush his junk and tell him he has one day to get his money back.

Will Russell get the money and pay off Jay B., thereby saving his genitals from further abuse? Will Run get Sheila, who is clearly more interested in Russell? Will the Fat Boys stop eating long enough to fill-in at the finals when New Edition cancels? Will the Krush Groove artists ever return to Krush Groove? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry remembers the music, but doesn't think he saw the movie before. However, he liked it. He is angered, however, that, while most of the artists featured got to perform an entire song, the Beastie Boys were relegated to a single verse. Still, it was cool to see them perform.

Derek saw the movie years ago, but definitely remembers the soundtrack. He's a bit miffed that some of the best songs in the movie are left off the soundtrack album. But he has all of them anyway, so it's all good. He's also bummed they didn't get to see the Beasties do their whole song. Otherwise, he digs it.

So dust off those Adidas, put on your Members Only jacket, and check out this week's episode!

Breakin'

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After a too-long, unwanted break, the guys are back! And they are doing it 80s-style!

This time Derek and Larry sat down to watch 1984's Breakin'--a movie that made America sit up and ask the question many of us have wondered for a long time: Did Christopher McDonald ever play a character that wasn't a complete asshole?

The answer is yes, but he always looked like a malnourished Joe Piscopo.

Our story begins with Kelley (Lucinda Dickey), a dancer being trained by a super-rapey Luke Perry simulade named Franco (Ben Lokey), being dragged to Venice Beach by a fellow dancer named Adam (Phineas Newborn III), where he exposes his naive friend to breakdancing, which involves a lot of spinning around and flailing like you're having some sort of seizure.

In particular, two of the breakdancers--Ozone (Adolfo "Shabba Doo" Quiñones) and Turbo (Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers)--catch Kelley's attention, and she is soon out there flailing like the rest of them of the crowd.

Including this nobody. Good thing his career never blew up.

Kelley is super-impressed with Turbo and Ozone, and she wants them to come to her dance school and maybe teach the students a few new moves. However, Franco is having no part of that. Instead, he just wants to see what's under Kelley's dangerously tight and possibly circulation-inhibiting dance outfit. Kelley makes it very clear that she is not interested in Franco licking the inside of her face, so she storms out and goes looking for some dance work.

After several auditions--possibly for the same job, while wearing several different outfits and wigs--Kelley gives up, choosing instead to hang out with Turbo and Ozone while they moonwalk and thrust their hands outward a lot.

Ozone would go on to be a semaphore flag waver. Turbo would direct traffic at airports.

It is during one of these arm-thrusting competition against their sworn enemies, Electro Rock (Bruno "Pop 'N Taco" Falcon and Timothy "Poppin' Pete" Solomon), that Kelley realizes that this whole breakdancing thing may be a force to reckon with. Unfortunately, it is as this realization comes to her that Turbo and Ozone lose their competition when Electro Rock bring out their secret third member: A woman (Ana "Lollipop" Sanchez)!

It should be noted at this point that, despite being the main antagonists in this movie, the members of Electro Rock are never given names. Now, some may argue that Franco is, eventually, the main antagonist, but it could be argued that this is a bunch of poop because Electro Rock get more screen time than he does. Hell, even Ice-T, in a role that can only be referred to as "Rap Talker" (because that's what it says in the credits), has more screen time than Franco.

Anyway, Electro Rock deserves more credit, is all.

You don't see Franco doing this, do you?!

And when they bring out their secret weapon, they win, sending Turbo and Ozone off in shame.

Kelley decides that what they really need is her, shoehorning her way into their crew because, it seems, nobody else wants her, except for her half-lizard dance teacher Franco. (And let's be honest...Ick.) So the three of them start practicing, putting together a new routine.

And Turbo still manages to keep up his attendance at Hogwarts.

Meanwhile, Kelley also tries to get them into a dance competition, but she is shot down by Franco. Kelley's agent, James (Christopher McDonald), however, is having no part of that. He intends to do everything he can to get them into that competition so the world will know that spazzy arm and leg waving is here to stay!

MOM! HE'S DOING IT AGAIN! HE'S GONNA RUIN THE FLOOR!

He sneaks them into the competition by dressing them in tuxedos and top hats. However, Franco immediately spots them and has them disqualified. In a fit of mild protestation, Ozone rips off his sleeves and starts wildly gyrating. Turbo and Kelley join him in an attempt to endear themselves to the panel of elderly white judges while Franco pouts in the corner.

But will they convince the judges? Will they win a bunch of money and use it to finance some sort of off-off-off-off-off-off-Broadway dance show that includes a bunch of their friends and even--*GASP!*--their sworn enemies, Electro Rock? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek only vaguely remembered the movie, but he didn't remember seeing JCVD at all, so that was a pleasant, if somewhat disturbing, surprise. He is also upset about Electro Rock not getting proper names. THEY'RE PEOPLE, TOO, DAMMIT.

Larry really digs this movie, and he is shocked to realize that this is possibly the only movie where Shooter McGavin isn't the most terrible, self-centered human being alive. It gives him hope, all of which is immediately crushed when he sees JCVD dancing in that black unitard.

So put on your studded belts, get out those bandanas, and listen to this week's episode!