April 29, 2015

Ice Pirates

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Ah, the mid-eighties...A time when a guy like Robert Urich could star in a movie. Heady times, indeed.

For those of you unfamiliar, Urich was the star of ABC's Vegas, where he played a smarmy and smooth detective who solves crimes in the seedy underbelly of that bastion of glamour and bright lights, Cleveland, Ohio.

Sorry, after checking our notes, it turns out he worked in Las Vegas.

Anyway, Urich plays Jason, leader of a group of pirates who make a living stealing ice in a galaxy where the water is almost completely gone, and what little there is, is controlled by the ruthless Templars.

Because pirates!
His crew consists of a number of odd people, including Michael D. Roberts, Angelica Huston, John Matuszak, and, in only his second motion picture role, Ron Perlman, who looks for all the world like Ron Bergundy.

Stay classy, universe...
When they try to kidnap a princess (Mary Crosby), they are captured and, for some reason, are about to be subjected to the most upsetting castration process ever captured on film.

The princess, for reasons nobody is able to make clear, kidnaps the pirates instead, and demands that they take her to find her father, who has disappeared.

Along the way, there are pimp-bots, farting aliens, spastic robots with weak colons(?), time warps, bounty hunters, and SPACE HERPES!

Oh, god! It looked at me!
And, possibly the most terrifying, Bruce Villanch as a sort of gatekeeper with an army of amazon women.

Girls?! EWWWWW!
Will they find her father? Will they stop the Templars? Will Jason knock the bottom out of the princess? Will this goddamn movie ever end?!

Jake is crushed that the movie isn't nearly as entertaining as he remembered it being when he was a child.

Derek is extremely upset by number of cheap jokes. (Babies peeing on Robert Urich's face, an alien made of taint skin that farts a lot and picks its nose...Dear god...)

Larry is fascinated, yet mildly grossed-out, that the space herpe looks like a penis with the Kellogg's Raisin Bran sun stuck on the end.

There's also news in The Lobby, Coming Soon, Larry's List, and Hollywood Purgatory. So download the show now so you, too, can be upset by this terrible, terrible movie!

April 27, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, gang!

I have to admit, it hasn't been the most thrilling week in the real world. Oh, nothing particularly terrible has happened or anything; it's just been kind of a "blah" week, is all.

A visual representation of last week.
Then there's Twitter and the amazingly funny and creative people who post there. It's you guys who make it awesome. I'm just there to laugh at your genius! (And make the occasional fart joke, of course.) And it always works. Dropping by there puts me in a good mood, no matter how terrible the day has been. Allow me, if you will, to show you exactly why (in no particular order)...

And there you have it!

As always, I highly recommend you swing on over there and sign up, get involved, and follow the heck out of these funny, sarcastic folks!

A visual representation of Twitter.
So have a great week, and get it started with this classic cheesy music video featuring a murder set to a goofy German pop song...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 22, 2015

Flash Gordon (and MORE!)

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Another great week, and another great movie!

This week, the guys sat down to talk about 1980's Flash Gordon, starring Sam Jones, Max von Sydow, Topol, Melody Anderson, Timothy Dalton, Ornella Muti, Brian Blessed, and Peter Wyngarde.

Based on the film serials starring Buster Crabbe, which were in turn based on the radio serials, which were themselves based on the comic strips created by Alex Raymond, this film has a rich history that is almost as confusing as the one surrounding the various iterations of The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. (But with fewer pieces of towel-related merchandise.)

After the Earth starts experiencing some pretty freakish weather, mad scientist Dr. Hanz Zarkov (Topol) decides that he must take off in his conveniently available rocket ship and confront the alien entity that is causing the problems. Finding himself short a copilot, due in large part to him waving his gun around and dramatically pointing at his lab assistant, he enlists (read: takes hostage) New York Jets quarterback Flash Gordon (Jones) and journalist Dale Arden (Anderson), who, also conveniently, just happen to crash their chartered plane into Zarkov's lab/elaborate pot greenhouse, as his new traveling companions. It is up to these three to save the Earth.

Only one of them needs to label his clothes, though.
The ship lands, again, conveniently on planet Mongo, which is ruled by the surprisingly accurately named Ming the Merciless (von Sydow) with the style and aplomb Earth's most vicious dictators only can only dream of achieving.

"Heyyyy, Macarena!"
Ming immediately decides to force Dale to marry him, execute Flash, and turn Zarkov into an agent by vacuuming his brain out. This is clearly a guy who gets stuff done.

Unfortunately, this is also a guy whose enemies are many and varied, including his own daughter, Aura (Muti), who bribes the executing doctor to make Flash only mostly dead so she can revive him and get a piece of that beefcake. She takes him to Arboria, a forest planet, where she convinces Prince Barin (Dalton) to hide Flash until she comes back to give both of them any number of the STDs that must be crawling all over her naughty bits. She's kinda outgoing with the guys, is what we're saying. Barin agrees, only to try killing Flash almost immediately after Aura leaves.

All sorts of things improbably happen, not the least of which is the appearance of the Hawkmen, whose leader, Vultan (Blessed), yells a lot and looks like Bluto from the Popeye cartoons.

He turns out to be Flash's greatest ally in the battle to save Earth, although not until Flash is willing to fight Barin to the death on a floating pie plate covered in spikes. (SPOILER: Nobody dies in the fight, sadly.)

From there, Flash and his friends lead an attack against Ming, who, to his credit, tries to avoid the whole thing by offering Flash his own kingdom to rule over on Mongo.

"And tell me my toupee isn't noticeable..."
Jake is angry...really angry about the shoddy workmanship of the Lizard People. And rightly so. They are just plain awful. Really. He's so angry.

Larry is confused by who does what for Ming. There are all kinds of different officers and soldiers, but nothing is delineated. Therefore, he chooses to focus on the guards who look like Super Mario 2 characters and squeal like pigs.

Derek is angry at Larry and Jake because he believes this movie is completely and totally flawless, and he takes their complaints personally. It could get ugly.

Will Flash defeat Ming and become, as the theme song by Queen insists, "savior of the Universe"? (Or "saviour", for our friends in the UK?) Will Zarkov's obvious hatred of the Beatles and disturbing amount of cats he thinks about be revealed as the cause of his madness? Will Dale ever get her hair under control? And what the hell is the deal with Klytus?! (Wyngarde)

There's also lots of Star Wars news in The Lobby, a few movies Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, and another edition One Thing!


That's right! There was also this week's Game Show, hosted by Derek. The guys played Cards Against Humanity for the first time together, and it was hilarious! It was also almost two hours long, which would have pushed the length of the show to almost four hours. So we here at Ugly Couchcast Industries decided to cut it out of the main show and edit it down to a more serviceable hour or so, and release it into the wild on its own.

Give it a listen and see just how awesome this game is.


If you dig what we did, you can find the game at CardsAgainstHumanity.com. You can even download a .pdf file of the game itself for free and print it out on your own, if you can't afford to buy the pre-made game! How cool is that?

(For the record, this is not any sort of endorsement deal thing with those guys. We bought the game ourselves and just wanted to tell you about it.)

April 20, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Wow...What a week last week was for geeks! Footage from the set of Deadpool, a teaser for Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice (it was pretty "meh", in my opinion), an extended Fantastic Four trailer (didn't see it because the original teaser did nothing for me), and, of course, the new extended teaser for Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, which was revealed at Star Wars Celebration. What did I think of that one?

That about sums it up.
It was also an awesome geek week for me, personally. My new Loot Crate showed up, and it was filled with a bunch of super cool stuff. (No spoilers on this...Some folks haven't got theirs yet. I would, however, recommend it. It rocks. And, should you decide to go ahead and get into it, please use this link to sign up, which will give you a discount on your first crate, as well as give me a discount on my next one. Neat, huh?) I also got the Cards Against Humanity card game. (Good fun!)

And on top of that, I got some new Star Trek: TNG action figures, as well as the latest addition to my old school gaming collection:

Featuring the triumvirate of awesome: Mario Bros.,
Duck Hunt, and Tetris!
So, as I say, it was a good week. And it was also pretty darn weird and funny over on Twitter! Once again, the folks over there proved that that are way funnier than I could ever hope to be, and that they should probably seek some sort of help. But, er, in a good way...?

Anyhow, here's just a small sample of the groovitude that is overflowing from those people...

And there you have it!

So here's to a great week for all of you, and to kick it off, I don't have a funny video. Instead, let's just bask in the glory of the new Star Wars trailer again, won't we?

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 14, 2015

Batman: The Movie (1966)

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Adam West IS...The Pink Avenger!
Holy cinematic insanity! The guys sat down this week to watch the classic 1966 Adam West and Burt Ward vehicle, Batman The Movie! It's got Cesar Romero! Frank Gorshin! Burgess Meredith! Lee Meriwether! Exploding sharks! Suicidal porpoises! Uncomfortably stiff romance! Bomb-getting-rid-of inability! And, yes, a lot of homoerotic subtext.

Adam West is Bruce Wayne...sophisticated millionaire playboy during the, er, night...and Dark Avenger of Justice by...day, we guess. (editor's note: Can we look into this? It sounds wrong for some reason.)

As Batman, he keeps the city of Gotham safe from crime, all the while endangering his youthful ward, Dick Grayson (Burt Ward), who doubles as his catchphrase-abusing sidekick, Robin!

Someone has kidnapped Commodore Schmidlapp (Reginald Denney) and taken his revolutionary new dehydrating technology, and they plan to use it to dehydrate the ambassadors at Gotham's version of the United Nations. (Okay, when we say "someone", we all know it's the Penguin, the Joker, the Riddler, and Catwoman, right? Right. Moving on.)

But they look so upstanding and honest...
Batman and Robin, the Caped Crusaders, must rush around Gotham, running like idiots in at least one instance...

"Holy coronary, Batman!"
...solving rotten riddles, jerky jokes, and other alliterative things involving cats and penguins, until they face the evil quartet down in a poorly-executed fight scene on top of a surplus submarine! (Seriously...We can't make this shit up.)

Will our masked heroes triumph over the fearsome foursome?

Well, of course they will. What are you, stupid or something? It's freakin' Batman and Robin. Jeez. Get a clue.

"Am I going to have to cut a bitch?"
Still, it makes for a fun movie to watch, which you totally should. If for no other reason, you should watch it for the greatest scene ever committed to film. It looks a little something like this:

But a lot longer. And funnier.
Derek is more concerned with the characters' sex lives than the actual story itself. Particularly, those of Alfred the butler and Aunt Harriet. Is Alfred hitting that, or what?

Larry is deeply disturbed by Bruce Wayne's inability to muster up any enthusiasm for necking with Miss Kitka (Catwoman "disguised" as a reporter for The Moscow Bugle, because why the hell not?) Larry would happily step in and take over, were that technology readily available.

Jake is wall-punchingly enraged by Batman's willingness to leave his equipment laying around all willy-nilly, as well as his lack of concern over bringing just anybody into the supposedly "secret" Batcave.

And all three of them are terrified by Frank Gorshin's wordless rage as the Riddler.

There's also news in The Lobby, Coming Soon, One Thing, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory (it's a good one!) and Larry's new game!

So download this episode and we'll see you next week. Same Bat-time (possibly), same Bat-site (definitely)!

April 13, 2015

A Few Changes To The Site

Hey, guys!

Just wanted to give you all a heads-up that I am updating the site and changing the name. When I first started this podcast/blog thingie, the focus was The Ugly Couchcast, a "whenever-I-can-get-around-to-it" show where I chatted with my friends about whatever we wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn't happening as often as I would have liked. (Turns out that scheduling people to sit down and B.S. in front of a microphone is surprisingly difficult, although they'll stop by anytime to just talk to your face. Who knew?)

On June of last year, I sat down with my friends Jake Streeter and Larry Sieczynski to talk about a movie called A Million Ways To Die In The West.

To put it mildly, we had a blast!

Since then, we've sat through thirty-some movies, and then recorded our thoughts about them while trying hard to make each other laugh as much as possible. As this went on, the focus moved away from The Ugly Couchcast and it slowly disappeared, with the exception of last year's live Sausagefest show. I'm totally okay with this because doing Here Be Spoilers feels more natural to me.

This feels right.
Anyway, the whole point of this is that the site is now called Here Be Spoilers, and while there may be the occasional non-movie-related post (like the weekly Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week posts), we're now full-on about Here Be Spoilers. There will be further changes coming (maybe a shop of some kind? HBS shirts with banner artwork, maybe?), so keep an eye out...You never know what could happen here.

And so, while the name may have changed, know that the four or five of you who come here regularly can still expect to see the same medium quality, half-assed work you've come to expect from the three of us. (And Bosco.)

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's been another fun week, kids! Lots and lots of good stuff from people way funnier than me on the Twitter! Oh, sure, I could drone on about how awesome it is over there, and how there are loads of great, friendly, funny people just waiting to make you laugh. However...

No, really.
...So what say we get right on with the proceedings, shall we?

And there you have it! See? I told you. Good stuff!

Anyway, I hope you all have a good week. And to give you the motivating shove you need to start it pointing in that direction, here's one of my favorite bits from this week's Here Be Spoilers movie, Batman The Movie (1966). Enjoy...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 10, 2015


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This week our fearless crew take a shot--well, several shots, actually--at James Gunn's full-length cinematic debut: Slither! It stars Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Rooker, Gregg Henry, and loads of other people, including an extended cameo by Jenna Fisher (Pam from The Office)!

A rogue asteroid brings an egg-like object to earth, where it is found by Grant Grant (Rooker). (And that's not a typo; his name is actually Grant Grant.) It almost immediately infects him and starts transforming him into a Japanese Anime tentacle monster. He's blobby and gross and loves him some steaks.

"Anybody want a light snack?"
Grant's wife, Starla (Banks) is just not really into him, despite his romantic advances, even before he turns all disgusting. (He flicks her nipples. Seriously.)

It's still not as icky as Seth Rogan hoisting himself
on top of her in Zack and Miri Make a Porno.
Bill Pardy (Fillion) is the police chief in this small town, and along with having to handle the betentacled Grant, he also has to make sure Mayor Jack MacReady has the Mr. Pibb he so desperately craves.

"No, I don't want a goddamn Tab! What am I? Some kinda friggin' commie?!"
Oh, and did we mention that Grant has taken another one of the townsfolk and impregnated her with space slugs? Because that totally happens.

"Say, Brenda...You doin' somethin' different with your hair?"
Larry is angered by the ongoing meme that allows explosives in movies that take forever to go "Boom!"

Derek questions the police department's purchases.

Jake loves this movie in a way that many might consider disturbing. He's fine with that, though, because it's a pretty good flick.

Along the way, the guys learn a little something about themselves...

Nah. That's bullshit. But they really dig this weird-ass movie. And there's also new stuff in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, One Thing, and another thrilling edition of Jake's Name Game!

So download the show and listen, won't we?

April 6, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Happy Post-Easter Food Coma Day! I hope you found all the Easter eggs that were hidden around the place!

If not, they could go bad. Really bad...
Yeah, I know...I'm late with these tweets again. What do you want from me? I was doing stuff, and yesterday's nap wasn't gonna take itself, no was it? Besides, this is all free, so there's that.

Anyway, there were a bunch of awesome tweets last week from the fine, funny folks of Twitter. One of these days, I may pick some of my favorites from the hashtag games that spring up like weeds over there. Hell, I may even dedicate an entire week's list to my own tweets that I thought were funny. You don't know...

But for now, let's have a look at some people who are way funnier than I am, shall we?

And there you have it!

Now, before we go to the video, I just wanted to let all of you know that we may be a bit late with this week's Here Be Spoilers episode, because Easter happened, and we couldn't get together on Sunday to record. We will, however, be doing so Tuesday, and I'll rush the edit and see about getting up as soon as possible.

So have an awesome week! And to help it along, here's one of my favorite Bad Lip Reading clips. Enjoy, won't we?

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 2, 2015

Howard the Duck

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This week the guys watched the film that marked the beginning of the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Howard the Duck, starring Lea Thompson, Tim Robbins, Jeffrey Jones, and at least eight different people in a duck suit. (Separately, that is...as far as we know...)

Howard is your average suit-wearing, porn watching, guitar playing duck--you know...like you see all the time--that gets sucked through some sort of wormhole kind of thing, and he ends up in Cleveland. Talk about shitty luck.

Fortunately for him, he meets the lovely Beverly (Thompson), a singer in what is supposed to be a punk band, but really just seems like a knock-off of the Go-Gos.

Until Howard adds some six-string stank to their music, that is...
She feels sorry for him and takes him back to her apartment...And then things get weird...

And by "weird", we mean HOT!
When Beverly takes Howard to see her scientist friend, Phil (Robbins), he wants them to meet Dr. Jenning (Jones). This turns out to be an extremely bad idea, as Jenning is soon possessed by a Dark Overlord of the Universe. He's really sweaty and lumpy.

But the ladies still love him, for some reason.
Can Howard save the Earth, find a way back to his own world, and still maybe get a bit of Beverly action? Listen and find out!

Larry is really bothered by Dr. Jenning's tongue. It's long and icky.

Derek is livid because he thinks that, if you are going to work someplace that requires you to explain to visitors what it is that happens there, you should be able to properly pronounce what it is you do.

Jake is self-conscious about how loudly he breathes through his mouth.

The truth is, there really isn't a lot of conversation about the plot of the movie itself. Instead, there are questions about Lea Thompson's motivation for choosing roles, and whether it is in her contract that she gets to sleep with weird stuff.

And can we watch?
There is also speculation about the mentality (and wardrobe) of the person(s) responsible for writing a love scene between Marty McFly's mom and a talking duck.

Along with all of that, there's Nerd Rage, Coming Soon, news in The Lobby, Larry's List, One Thing, Jake's Hollywood Purgatory, and another thrilling edition of What's That All About?.

So download this week's show and get your duck on!