March 30, 2014

Fifteen Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's that time again, kids! For your enjoyment, I have spent tens of minutes exhaustively compiling some of the funniest things I read on Twitter over the past week. And now I'm passing the savings on to YOU!

There were so many funny ones that I had a hard time just picking ten. So I decided to expand it a bit this week.

As always, if you're on Twitter, why not follow these funny folks? And if you're not, go join. Then follow them. Do not -- repeat, DO NOT -- try following them without being on Twitter, because then you end up with pressed charges and restraining orders and stuff like that, and nobody wins when that happens.

Anyway, here we go. In no particular order...

And there you have it, folks! Enjoy your Sunday, and stay tuned!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 23, 2014

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Twitter is a funny place.

Yes, I mean "funny ha-ha". But I also mean "funny strange". In a good way.

Part of the appeal, for me, at least, is that the 140-character limit means you have to condense whatever it is you want to say into a few small sentences. You have to think when you post. Because of this, the people on Twitter have honed their humor to an art form all its own.

And now, it's my great pleasure to present to you ten people whose wit made me literally laugh out loud this past week. (As opposed to the "internet version", which is to just type "LOL" while you continue to shovel cheese puffs into your gaping maw.) If you're on Twitter, follow them. If you're not, join...And follow them.

In no particular order...

And a few final words to remember as you cruise through your Sunday, waiting for the inevitable faceplant into Monday:
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 16, 2014

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's that time again, kids! Once again, I'm happy to present ten tweets that are way funnier than anything I could come up with! If you're on Twitter, follow them! If you're not, get over there and check them out, along with all the other hilarious people running around the place.

And so, here we go!
There you have it! Tune in next time, when I lament the fact that my own tweets aren't appreciated as much as I think they should be, like this one:
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 15, 2014

Pope Life

Anyone who has known me for more than a week knows that I am not a particularly religious person. It's not so much the idea of a god looking out for all of us critters here on Earth that bothers me; if that works for you, all the better.

No, the problem I have is with organized religion. In my opinion, it all goes bad once people get involved. They go around establishing hierarchies, demanding a percentage of their congregation's paycheck, and requiring you to attend what are, essentially, seminars about how you are doing everything wrong and are going to Hell because of it. On a Sunday, no less. In the morning. I don't know about you, but I would much rather be eating a giant pile of waffles.

They're sacri-licious!
Or, better still, sleeping in. (When I can convince Bosco to not wake me up by staring at me and shooting "wake up" lasers into my brain.)

Anyway, I'm not much for religion. And keep in mind, this is not coming from a place of ignorance. I've visited all kinds of different churches -- non-denominational churches, basic Christian, Catholic churches, Southern Baptists churches, Jewish synagogues and my favorite, Black Baptist churches. Those folks know how to have a good time, as has been documented in The Blues Brothers.

 Surprisingly accurate, including the doughy white guy dancing like an idiot. That was me.

But, all-in-all, I'm just not a fan of the whole organizational aspect. Religious "leaders" have soured me on the whole idea. (See: Pat Robertson, Jim Bakker, Jerry Falwell, and Robert Tilton.)

This video does nothing to support my argument. I just think it's funny.

So imagine my surprise when I found myself actually starting to think that the newest pope, Pope Francis, might actually be a pretty okay guy, despite the fact that he is the essential head of a religion that harbors pedophiles, accepts money from Mexican drug cartels, and, of course, was responsible for that whole Spanish Inquisition thing.

Nobody expected that!

But Pope Francis seems...different. Certainly different from the previous pope, Benedict, who was a Hitler Youth. However, there's something more. He seems almost...rational. One might even suggest he is somewhat open-minded. And, best of all, he appears to have decided he didn't need to be as flashy and showy as previous popes. He's a regular guy.

Allow me to offer up a bit of proof.

1. He doesn't want to use the Popemobile, when he can avoid it.

According to The Daily Mail, Pope Francis recently took delivery of a 1984 Renault 4, choosing this over the well-known bulletproof Popemobile.

His Excellency checks out his new ride, which he has dubbed "Il Pussy Wagon".
The car, a gift from an Italian priest, is the Pope's "running-to-the-store-for-some-Funyuns" car. However, even when he isn't home at the Vatican, he doesn't want to use the standard Popemobile Bubble add-on, choosing instead to use an open-top car because he wants to stay close to the faithful. (And, one assumes, to be able to freely pass out his phone number to the honeys.)

2. He won't use the Papal Apartments, either.

Along with blowing off the chick magnet Popemobile, Pope Francis decided early on that he also was not going to live in the papal apartments, choosing instead to stay in what is essentially the "guesthouse" -- the Vatican hotel. According to the Telegraph, he told a close friend that he "does not want to be isolated and enjoys sitting down to meals with visiting clergy."

Of course, sometimes he likes a private meal.
So...Old car...smaller apartment...He's either a genuinely decent human being, a recently divorced man, or a college student. How many of those meals he sits down to are Ramen noodles?

3. He's got a bit of a potty mouth.

Okay, to be fair, this one was an accident. But still, it's funny. And it also shows that he's a regular guy, as I said.

While giving a morning sermon at St. Peter's Square, he accidentally used a wrong Italian word. Instead of saying "caso", which means "example", he said "cazzo", which is a slang term for your junk.

Why is this a big deal, you ask? It's not. It was a simple mistake. Anyone could have done it. Especially someone who once worked as a bouncer at a nightclub.

By which I mean Pope Dalton I.
In retrospect, it might not have been such a big deal to the media if he hadn't followed it up by performing a rendition of "Fuck The Police" by Public Enemy, in Italian to the already stunned crowd.

But wait! There's more!

4. He seems kind of okay with gay people.

While still maintaining the long-standing Catholic view that gay marriage is WRONG! WRONG! DO YOU HEAR ME? WRONG!, he has said that he is open to the idea of civil ceremonies. This may not seem like that big of a deal for enlightened humans of a reasonable disposition. However, for the Catholic Church, this is huge. Let me put it in the proper perspective for you.

The Catholic Church was established in 1 A.D. For the following 2,013 years, they wanted nothing to do with gay people. Now, admittedly, the rest of us haven't exactly been speeding past that line of thinking, Star Wars hyperspace-style, but for decades the general populace has slowly come around to the idea that not only is being gay not a disease or lifestyle choice, but it also doesn't make a person less deserving of reasonable treatment as a fellow human being.

This guy: Just like you.
Okay, so it took them over 2,000 years to come to this conclusion. It's a start. Heck, if he sticks around long enough, he may even come around to deciding that gay marriage is okay, too.

And finally...

5. He has some good news for Atheists!

Don't believe in God? No problem! Because, according to Pope Francis, you still get to go to heaven!

Some restrictions may apply.
Responding to a list of questions published in the paper by Mr Scalfari, who is not a Roman Catholic, Francis wrote: “You ask me if the God of the Christians forgives those who don’t believe and who don’t seek the faith. I start by saying – and this is the fundamental thing – that God’s mercy has no limits if you go to him with a sincere and contrite heart. The issue for those who do not believe in God is to obey their conscience. 
“Sin, even for those who have no faith, exists when people disobey their conscience.”
 So, as I've said myself -- numerous times -- the secret of the Bible is this: "Don't be a dick." Simple. And, if you follow that one simple rule, whether you believe in God or not, Pope Francis says you get to go to heaven.

While this is a nice thing to hear, I would imagine it also presents quite a conundrum for atheists. On the one hand, they can maintain their disbelief in a magical sky-being that is guiding everyone and everything in the universe, without any real fear of repercussion, so long as they try to be good people.

On the other hand, it kind of defeats the purpose of atheism. If you are, as Pope Francis said, a generally good person, it doesn't matter whether you believe in God, because you're going to get sucked up into the celestial Heavenly Dyson Vacuum and forced to hang out with your dead relatives, most of whom will probably nag you constantly about not visiting their graves. Nobody wins in that scenario.

And so, because of these things, and his continuing forward thinking views, I have to say that I consider Pope Francis a pretty good dude, my highest compliment. He seems like the kind of guy I wouldn't mind sitting at a bar and having a Coke with.

Catholics around the world, however have reacted a little differently...

That's going to leave a mark.
Oh, well...You can't please everybody.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 9, 2014

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, kids, it's time for another thrilling edition of "Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week"!

These are ten people on Twitter who are WAY funnier than I am. If you're on Twitter, follow them! If you're not, you should swing on by and check out the variety of weirdness that's available for all to see!

And so...In no particular order:
Okay...That last one might need a little clarification. Check out this video clip we made a while back. It also features Nigel Springer and Vaughn Springer. (They're my kids!) It should explain things. Or not.

And there you have it! Stay tuned for more good fun!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 7, 2014

Going Batty!

I like the Batman movies. Really. Go ahead and name a Batman movie and I'll tell you what I like about it. The only one that has really left me feeling as if I missed something is Batman Begins. I don't know what it is about that one, but for some reason, even though I've watched it numerous times (including just today), I cannot recall a single thing about it.

Oh, wait. It had Liam Neeson in it. There. Now I have something for that one.

Anyway, I like the movies, from 1966's Batman: The Movie to Tim Burton's series of increasingly stupid (but still fun) movies, all the way up to Chris Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy. Hell, if they had made a movie called Ernest Saves Batman, I would have probably gone and seen that, too.

Each of these films has something to offer. For instance, Batman: The Movie has the classic scene where the incredibly entertaining Adam West tries to find a place to dispose of a cartoonish explosive that the bad guys had left in their hideout on the wharf. After several tries, he stops and, conveying the kind of exasperation one might encounter in such a situation, announces to nobody in particular, "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!" Seriously. Here, have a look for yourself:

The whole movie is like that. Even better, if you get the DVD and listen to the commentary by Adam West and Burt Ward (Robin), you get to hear things like "Hey, look! It's a movie!" and "Catwoman, you are causing curious stirrings in my utility belt!" Totally worth the price.

Then there's 1989's Batman, which was directed by Tim Burton. Of course, when it was announced that Michael Keaton was cast as Bruce Wayne/Batman, the comics community had a collective aneurysm. According to them, there could not have been a worse choice to play the Dark Knight himself!

"You're gonna miss me when I'm gone!"

"Whatevs! LOL!"

"Dear God...Did he eat Robin?"

If I had one complaint about Batman, it would be that it seemed as if Burton was making every effort to make this film hard to see. There is almost no light in the film. Was Warner Brothers behind on their electricity bill? The whole film seems to have been shot using the light from a dying flashlight and a few old birthday candles someone found in a kitchen junk drawer.

Bask in the vibrant colors!

Burton and Keaton returned for Batman Returns, which went out of its way to give us the most unpleasant characters ever.

And Danny DeVito.

The story revolved around Oswald Cobblepot, who was born deformed and violent, and his wealthy parents deal with this in the same manner any nurturing parents would: They stick him in a basket and drop him in a river. Some time later, he is living in the sewers of Gotham City, being pale and stuffing raw fish into his gaping maw. It is every bit as appealing to see on the big screen as you might imagine it to be.

At some point, someone must have said something to Burton about how utterly unpleasant every character in the film is, so they cast Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and encased her in skin-tight vinyl.

Best. Movie. EVER.

It ends (SPOILERS!) with Michelle Pfeiffer sharing a three-way kiss with Christopher Walken and an early version of a Tazer, which is the best way to kiss Christopher Walken.

Tim Burton, probably busy finding new and unusual ways to be photographed with kooky hair, did not have time to direct the next film, Batman Forever (This is a misnomer; it only feels that long), and handed the reins over to his dark henchperson, Joel Schumacher.

Michael Keaton had also had enough and decided to pass. Val Kilmer stepped in and offered up the most bland performance he could muster, which was matched only by the performances of Chris O'Donnell as Robin and Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian. You may have picked the wrong stars for your action movie when Tommy Lee goddamn Jones puts in a more energetic performance.

Simmer down, big fella...

Now, I have a few problems with this film. The one I really want to talk about is the Batcave's security system. Not once, but twice, someone managed to infiltrate Batman's secret lair. Dick Grayson did it by doing acrobatics at it, and ended up sliding down the stairs on his ass. Later in the film, the Riddler (Jim Carrey) finds the door and, with the push of a single button on his staff, gains immediate access.

Okay, I can see the need for these two things to happen in order to move the story along. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief long enough to accept this. The real problem is what happens when unauthorized people get in there. Let's go to the video, shall we?

Now, the security system has clearly decided something isn't right. You can tell because it starts yelling, "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!"

Oh, and it also turns on all the computer systems (this is more obvious when Dick first gets in there, as it shows the monitors at Batman's workstation turning on) and brings the Batmobile out of its hiding spot, putting it on display for any would-be thief that might want to go for a spin. You would think, what with Bruce Wayne being a billionaire who wants to hide his secret superhero lair, he might drop a few extra bucks on the deluxe system that won't give any intruders access to all of your cool toys.

Suspension of disbelief is only going to take you so far.

Still, while the film has its share of problems, it's pretty entertaining. It doesn't take itself too seriously.

Little did we, the viewing public, realize that this was just Schumacher trying to soften us up for Batman and Robin, with George Clooney stepping in to replace Val Kilmer as Bruce Wayne/Batman. O'Donnell returned to continue being bland and uninteresting as Dick Grayson/Robin.

New characters are introduced, such as Barbara/Batgirl, who is, inexplicably, Bruce's butler Alfred's niece, as opposed to being Commissioner Gordon's daughter, like she has been

And, of course, there are new bad guys, including Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) and Bane (???). But don't get too excited, because two of those characters are portrayed by known actors, although you would never know it by watching their performances in this flick.

        No.                                No.                         And, again, no. 

I have no idea who the third character, Bane, is played by, but I did recognize the scientist who created him. It's none other than John Glover, who played Brice Cummings in the Bill Murray Christmas flick Scrooged. In this film, however, they made him look like a post-apocalyptic Dr. Forrester from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Frank? It's time to get into the Thunderdome! Frank?

Of course, much has been made about the nipples on Batman's and Robin's suits. There's no need to rehash all that. But I don't recall hearing anything about the Bat-Ass:

Batman was an early adopter of Yoga pants.

Or Batgirl's Bat-Rack:

Are those upside down bird beaks? WHAT THE HELL

Or, forgive me, the Bat-Batch:

WARNING: Chafing danger!


Okay. That's it for now. I can't take this anymore. Besides, I really don't have much to say about the Dark Knight flicks, other than, hey, maybe go watch them. They're pretty good. And Liam Neeson's in one of them. I think.

And for those of you traumatized by Bat-Junk, allow me to help clear your mind of this horribleness by offering up something from a simpler time...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 3, 2014

Episode 21: The Good, The Bad and The Larry

Right-click and choose "Save link as..." to download!

Guest: Larry Sieczynski


Getting caught up, about our new home on the web, a word about Larry's mom, living that rockstar lifestyle, Minecraft: The Movie(?), blockheads, the origin of Slenderman, Derek tries to explain how works, electric fan-distributed money shot, EVERYTHING IS AWESOME, Valentine's Day date, a few facts about The LEGO™ Movie, woefully unprepared for the show, the Dumbledore/Gandalf argument, whimsy makes you sleepy, Alan Rickman is the ginchiest, The Muppets Most Wanted, Larry hates when puppets sing, Frank Oz shouldn't sing dramatic songs, bring back the Muppet Show, Fraggle Rock and the Doozers, Derek does a pretty solid Bobo the Bear voice, We Built This City is a terrible song, Porky Pig is fed-up, the official A Million Ways To Die In The West trailer, Summer Movie Extravaganza, Larry explains what happened after Return of the Jedi, J.J. Abrahms and his friggin' lens flares,  maintaining the look, the lost art of practical model effects, it all ties together, something new for the middle of the show, The Tommy Westphall Grand Unification Theory of TV, examples from the big-ass flowchart, Derek breaks his brain, Sid & Marty Krofft probaby smoked a LOT of weed, other fun childhood TV shows, dissention among the ranks of The Mickey Mouse Club, let's talk about the Monkees, emotionally scarred by husky pee, Larry is traumatized by Return of the Living Dead, family bonding over monster movies, Robot Monster and the Billion Bubbles Machine, A Word From Our Sponsor, a word ABOUT our sponsor, Derek makes a poor moviegoing decision, Ringo Starr "acts", terrible 3-D sequels, Star Wars fart jokes, explaining how The Passion of the Binks COULD happen, staying topical, Larry has a creative way to get rid of a roommate, living with the female Sheldon Cooper, not a horrible C.H.U.D. monster, the Icy/Hot condom, embarrassing stories, hanging out (literally) at Barnes & Noble!

BONUS: The "Weird Al" Story! Also, this:

You know you want to see that.

March 2, 2014

Another Ten Funny Tweets Derek Has Re-Tweeted In The Past Week

Hi, everybody!

I recorded a new podcast last night, but I'm still in the process of editing. Therefore, I've put together another list of ten funny tweets I found on Twitter this past week. Enjoy!
In no particular order:
And finally... And there you go! Stay tuned, kids! The new podcast will be up soon!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco