Silent Hill

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Let's be honest: Video game movies have not exactly managed to hit it out of the park, quality-wise, for the most part. For every Tron (a movie about video games that, itself, spawned a video game) there is a Super Mario Bros. or a Street Fighter.

But every once in a great, great while, somebody gets it right. And that brings us to Silent Hill, this week's movie commentary. Based on the popular horror/adventure game of the same name, it follows Rose (Radha Mitchell), whose adopted daughter, Sharon (Jodelle Ferland) is having nightmares about an abandoned town. Although her husband, Christopher (Sean Bean), is against the idea, Rose takes her daughter to the town, which has had a fire going under it for thirty years, much like that Pennsylvania town that actually exists.

But without as much blood splatter.

When she stops for gas on the way, Rose catches the attention of a motorcycle cop named Cybil (Laurie Holden), who follows her. Rose tries to get away, but a little girl steps into the middle of the road, causing Rose to swerve and crash, knocking her out.

Rose wakes up the nest day to find that she is actually in Silent Hill, and Sharon is no longer in her car. She goes looking for Sharon, following the little girl she almost hit with her car, through the town because she thinks it is her daughter. This turns out to be a really bad idea because the town keeps switching back and forth from an abandoned, ash-covered town to a hellscape full of monsters that want to kill her and, one assumes, eat her soul or some such thing.

The naughtiest of nurses. Tell us they are soul-eaters. We dare you.

There's also a giant muscly guy with a big metal helmet called Pyramid Head. He has a giant sword, as well, and seems really intent on murder. You have to admire that kind of dedication.

Rose finds a woman named Dahlia Gillespie (Deborah Kara Unger), who tells her about her daughter, Alessa (also played by Jodelle Ferland with extreme creepiness), who was burned by a bunch of crazy cult people in town called The Brethren. A little freaked out, Rose heads back to her car to get her phone and call her husband for help, only to meet up with a now very unhappy Cybil, who handcuffs her and leads her back into town.

And, from the look of this photo, to drop her latest rap diss.

Christopher, meanwhile, is trying to get to Silent Hill himself, but that seems unlikely because the police won't let him through, until he meets Officer Gucci (Kim Coates). Gucci has no intention of letting Christopher go there alone, but is willing to accompany him to search for Rose and Sharon.

They wander around the town (the "normal," non-hellscape version) and look for Christopher's family, but they are unable to find anyone, even when Rose is in the same hallway, but in the other version of the hallway. When they check the orphanage where Sharon was adopted, and Officer Gucci tells Christopher that he crew up in Silent Hill and saves Alessa from being burned by the crazy cult people. He then suggests Christopher go back home and let the police do their job.

Meanwhile, Rose and Cybil are being pursued by Pyramid Head and his pet roaches, and although he eventually goes away, they are captured by The Brethren. Fortunately, Cybil holds them off long enough for Rose to escape and keep searching. Cybil, for her efforts, is beaten repeatedly and taken back to a hotel, where The Brethren meet.

Headed by the Borg Queen.

Turns out The Brethren have a way of dealing with people like Cybil: They tie them to ladders and then sacrifice them with fire, hoping to appease some god or other, and keep them safe from Pyramid Head.

Rose, meanwhile, is still searching, and she discovers that the reason Alessa was supposed to be burned is because her mother had her out of wedlock. A further flashback explains that these yahoos burning Alessa is what started the fire that caused the town to be abandoned in the first place.

Sharon is captured by The Brethren, and is going to be the next sacrifice, but that gets interrupted by Rose, who confronts Christabell (Alice Krige), only to be stabbed. Luckily, this summons Alessa and her dark counterpart, causing a scene that would fit right into a Hellraiser fan film. It gets messy.

Especially when this guy shows up.

But will Rose and Sharon escape? Will they get back home to Christopher? Will this generate a number of sequels, even though there was really no reason for them? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek likes this movie, although he has issues with Pyramid Head's helmet. And his name. Really, pretty much everything about the guy. Sure, he's dedicated to his job, but is it really fulfilling? Probably not.

Larry loves, loves, loves this movie. He believes it's about the only video game movie that got it right, despite having seen Jackie Chan's City Hunter. He also gets really excited about the woman getting her skin ripped right off her body.

Jake likes it, too, although he has legitimate concerns about the quality of the CGI. Sure, they looked pretty good, but they felt way too rushed, and the compositing seems a bit lacking. Still, for a $50 million flick, it looks pretty good.

So get your blood bucket and your giant, unwieldy helmet, and listen to this week's commentary!

Independence Day

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A Note from Derek: Hi, everyone. First off, sorry it took so long to get this episode up. There were all kinds of audio issues with it--Larry's mic didn't sound like it was working, the movie's volume was all over the place, so there are moments where you can't hear anything followed by ear-shattering blasts of high volume, etc.--so I had to spend a lot of time trying to clean it up. We're a low-budget setup here, so it's not really easy. Still, I did the best I could.

Second, I want to remind everybody that this episode, like the previous one, is a commentary, so you're going to want to watch the movie while you listen to get the full effect. If you're not feeling that, jump to the last half hour to listen to us talk a bit about it after watching. I get unnecessarily mad at Roland Emmerich. It's fun!

Anyway, just wanted to give you all a heads-up on the issues with this episode. Also, if you get a chance, wish Larry a Happy Birthday. His birthday is this coming Thursday!

Now let's get on with this! I'll just push play and--

Whoops!

Ah, summer. You are just so wonderful to the moviegoing public! What with your discount matinees, frostbite-inducing air conditioning, and huge piles of big, stupid movies! And this one is no exception!

Bad news, guys; aliens have decided to come to Earth. And not the friendly, magical E.T.-types that look like a friendly pile of glow-in-the-dark foreskin. No, these are the other kind: Tentacle-wielding evil calamari with designs on destroying all of humanity in order to milk the planet dry of resources and then leave.

Ladies and gentlemen...DESTINY'S CHILD!

And although they have thousands of spaceships and lots of "pew-pew" lasers, we have a Will Smith and a Jeff Goldblum! Throw in a Bill Pullman, the leathery goodness that is Robert Loggia, and a pre-meltdown Randy Quaid, and that pretty much evens us up.

Let's try to get this in some sort of order, shall we?

Randy Quaid is Russell Casse, a drunk pilot. He gets fired after dusting the wrong field, and spends a good portion of the movie ignoring his three children (James Duval, Lisa Jakub, and Joseph Gordon Levitt) and being sauced in a diner while local hillbillies harass him about his stories of being abducted by aliens.

Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum is David Levinson, a recently divorced guy who runs a cable company that has a built-in Harvey Fierstein. David also has an elderly father, Julius (Judd Hirsch), who plays chess and lectures his son about forgetting about his ex-wife.

Really, all of these people are secondary characters.

David's ex-wife, Constance (Margaret Colin), works for President Bill Pullman, who is popular, but too young, apparently. He has wife (Mary McDonnell) and a daughter, and is trying to make it all work while running the free world when the aliens arrive.

Over in California, Captain Stephen Hiller (Will Smith) and his girlfriend Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox) are doing what a modern, unmarried movie couple does: Being smarmy and allowing the child that lives with them do whatever he wishes, unsupervised.

When Hiller is recalled to his base to see what these aliens are all about, he is met by a rogue Harry Connick, Jr., who is his best friend.

Best friend...for now.

After the White House first attempts to make friendly contact with the aliens and it goes bad, they decide to be a bit more stern the next time around, scrambling Hiller, Connick, and the rest of their Top Gun leftovers to attack the big ship over L.A. It does not go well, but at least Harry Connick, Jr. gets blown up, so it's not a total loss. Also, Stephen does manage to cause an alien ship to crash so he can punch its pilot.

The aliens, having been picked up on enough, open up their big lasers and destroy every major city around the world, turning the landscape into smoking piles of rubble. The White House, now severely disappointed, decides to try nuking the ship over Houston, Texas. When that doesn't work, they can't figure out what to do next.

Karaoke, maybe?

Fortunately, David has figured out how the aliens are communicating, and he goes to Washington, D.C. to tell his ex-wife and the president about it before the aliens destroy everything, and he and his father manage to hitch a ride on Air Force One when everything goes banana-shaped.

With Stephen at the Air Force Base, Jasmine is left to get out of town with her son and manages to do so just in time. But after the attack, her car is destroyed and she has to steal a fire engine to get around, which is handy, because she starts picking up survivors, including the First Lady, whose helicopter didn't take off quick enough. They begin heading toward the airbase, hoping to find some help, only to find nobody.

Stephen, worried about Jasmine and her son, commandeers a helicopter (because if you're a fighter pilot, you can apparently fly anything) and goes looking for them, finding them at the airbase. There is much rejoicing.

Meanwhile, Air Force One and its passengers head to the mysterious Area 51, where it turns out that there actually is an alien spaceship that was recovered from Roswell, much to the president's surprise.

Even more surprising is that they left this guy in charge of it.

Once the entire cast is in the same place (along with thousands of other people), David comes up with a plan to set a computer virus loose in the mothership, which Stephen will fly him to in the captured alien ship. At the same time, President Pullman and Randy Quaid will join forces with all the other pilots and attack the ship heading toward Area 51.

But will the plan work? Do the aliens have an operating system that is compatible with David's laptop? Will President Pullman save the day? Or will Randy Quaid sober up enough to do it? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek is angry that Emmerich and Dean Devlin tried to put some sort of jingoistic rallying cry in the middle of an otherwise fun movie about blowing up aliens. But he gives it a miss because Jeff Goldblum is there, saving the world, just as he was meant to.

Larry loves the movie unabashedly and acknowledges that he is the prime target for a film like this: A male who likes lasers and spaceships and things getting blown-up. And he really digs the casting, arguing that this is really a great film.

Jake is impressed by the practical effects, of which there were many. A record-setting amount, possibly. Models were built...scaled cities were exploded...rubbery monsters were covered in mucus and released upon the cast. Good times all around!

So fire up your 28.8 modem, connect to an alien server, and check out this week's episode!

The Karate Kid (1984)

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Ah, the 80s...Back when a scrawny little teabag like Ralph Macchio could carry a film. Of course, he had the calming presence of Pat Morita to keep things on a relatively even keel. And that's exactly what the guys got when they recorded a commentary for The Karate Kid!

Daniel Larusso (Macchio) and his mother (Randee Heller) are moving from New Jersey to California because Daniel's mom got a job. She believes it's a new beginning--a fresh start in a place that doesn't smell like hobo pee.

Daniel, on the other hand, is a typical teenager who wants no part of a fresh start, and he probably secretly enjoys the hobo pee smell. He looks like he would.

When they get to their new digs, there are immediate problems with the plumbing, and Daniel is dispatched to speak tot he maintenance man, Mr. Miyagi (Morita). Miyagi is aloof. He doesn't speak much. And when he does, it's in short, angry-sounding bursts of broken English. HE barks at Daniel that he will get to the plumbing after he finishes whatever it is he is doing.

Daniel, meanwhile, has made a friend, Freddy (Israel Juarbe), who invites him to a beach party that night, with promises of soccer in the sand, and a bunch of cute girls. And there is one particular girl, Ali (Elisabeth Shue, who would eventually dump Daniel for the more congenial and interesting Marty McFly a year later). Unfortunately for him, Ani's ex-boyfriend, Johnny (William Zabka), isn't quite over her yet, and he and his karate buddies go down to the beach and beat Daniel to a squishy pulp after Daniel provokes him. (This theme continues throughout the film.)

Even Alibeats him senseless after he provokes her.

Undaunted, Daniel continues pining for Ali, getting in fights with various members of Johnny's karate gang, called Cobra Kai. (That is actually the name of the karate dojo they go to, but it's basically a gang/cult sort of thing, led by an evil teacher named Kreese, who is played by Martin Kove.)

They even have matching jackets. It's like West Side Story, but with face-kicking.

Daniel also continues to antagonize the Cobra Kai guys, largely by being just so punchable, but also by being a real dick to them. Finally, after Miyagi rescues Daniel from potential death by karate on Halloween, Daniel convinces Miyagi to speak to Kreese about calling off his goons. They go to the Cobra Kai dojo.

There, an extremely racist Kreese calls everybody names, and then challenges Miyagi to a fight. When that doesn't happen, he demands to know what they want. Miyagi explains that it's unfair for a group of guys to jump Daniel, and they should leave him alone. Kreese disagrees, but tells the kids to leave Daniel alone after Miyagi suggests they all meet in two months to settle it at the All-Valley Karate Tournament, which is, apparently, a thing.

In the meantime, Miyagi agrees to teach Daniel karate, and starts him off by making him do all the housework and cleaning Miyagi has been putting off.

An important lesson to everyone: Read the fine print.

This goes on for a few weeks, where Daniel waxes Miyagi's vast collection of old cars, paints his house and fence, sands his backyard deck. All-in-all, a pretty sweet deal for Miyagi. Daniel, however, feels like he's getting hosed in this deal until Miyagi makes him perform the various specific motions he had to do while working, allowing Daniel to block punches and kicks like he has been doing it for years!

It still doesn't explain why Miyagi makes Daniel carry him around Yoda-style.

While he is practicing balance at the beach one afternoon, Daniel sees Miyagi standing on an old pier piling, doing some sort of kick. When he asks about it, Miyagi explains that it's an unbeatable move, and then he scares away some rednecks by karate chopping some beer bottles.

Things with Ali are a real rollercoaster while all this is happening. First, she agrees to go on a date with Daniel, and they have a nice time at a place called Pizza 'n' Stuff, but after Daniel gets his second beatdown from Johnny and his gang, he starts avoiding Ali. But then he decides to let it all go and get back with her. As he's about to meet up with her at a country club, he sees her dancing with Johnny, who spots Daniel and lays a big, sloppy kiss on Ali. Daniel runs away like a frightened toddler, only to get spaghetti dumped all over him, missing Ali getting pissed and slapping Johnny around.

After blowing Ali off for a while, her friend (who looks like a very young Sarah Silverman) informs Daniel about what happened at the club after he left, and he apologizes. Ali accepts, just in time to come cheer for Daniel at the karate tournament! Talk about lucky!

Daniel now must face the lesser Cobra Kai dudes and work his way up to facing off with Johnny, the current All-Valley champion. But will he make it? And if so, will he win? Will Miyagi make him build an addition on his house under the guise of "training"? (on that last one: Yes, but not until the sequel.)

We all know how this ends, right?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek feels like Johnny and the other Cobra Kai are getting kind of a bum deal in this one. Sure, they're aggressive toward Daniel, but the fact is, he is kind of a dick to them. Even when he has a chance to keep away from them, he antagonizes them. He should have lost.

Larry loves this flick, although he also agrees that Daniel is kind of an asshole. That doesn't stop him from wanting to watch this film over and over again! And, really, who wouldn't? It's great. Pat Morita is awesome, Elisabeth Shue is great, William Zabka is fantastic, and, yes, even Ralph Macchio is solid. Good stuff!

So put on your gi, start waxing on and off, and check out this new episode!