April 27, 2016

Over The Top

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This week, the guys put on their most sleeveless of shirts, got greased up, and sat down to watch Sylvester Stallone's tribute to the brave men and women who look like men in the world of professional armwrestling, a world that, as best as their research was able to discover, does not, in fact, exist. But they weren't going to let that stop them!

The bald guy has Angelina Jolie's lips growing out of his neck!
Stallone stars as Lincoln Hawk (or Hawks or Hogg or Hogs...nobody's really sure what his last name is, including him), a truck driver by day and an armwrestler by night! Really, it's Flashdance, but with sweaty guys grunting instead of Jennifer Beals dancing. He wants to reconnect with his son, Mike, on a cross-country trip to see Mike's mother, Christine, who is in a hospital somewhere, dying of some kind of cancer, before heading off to Las Vegas, where he will compete in the world armwrestling championship, another thing that doesn't exist, so he picks Mike up on the day the graduates from military school at the age of 12, which we're pretty sure isn't a thing.

Submitted without comment.
Unfortunately, Mike's grandfather, Jason Cutler (played by the stunningly tanned Robert Loggia), doesn't like Hawk, so he dispatches a bunch of goons to get Mike back. There's also a giant lump of gristle with a porn mustache named Bull (the guy, not the mustache) who is stalking Hawk across the country to challenge him to a private armwrestling match to see which of them in better.

And that's when things get dark...
To be honest, pretty much everybody, including his own son, really thinks Hawk is a bit of a waste of oxygen. The only person willing to give him a chance is his ex-wife, and one has to assume it's because she knows she'll be dead soon. She won't be around to see him bone it all up, so she really has nothing to lose.

Mike starts out reacting as any right-thinking person would when confronted with spending three days in a confined space with Sylvester Stallone, which is to run away as quickly as possible. Hawk recaptures him, and forces him to armwrestle other kids so he can gamble on it, makes him drive a truck illegally despite only being 12-years-old, and causes him to miss seeing his mother one last time before she dies.

When Mike finally realizes what a straight-up douche canoe his father is, he does a runner, heading back to the comfort of his grandfather's money piles. When Hawk uses the most subtle and sensible way to get his son back that he can think of--by driving his truck through the front of Cutler's house--he gets arrested and thrown in the clink, not only jeapordizing whatever chances he may have with his son, but also his appearance at the armwrestling championships!

But wait! Hawk gets visited by Cutler's lawyer, a Gerry Anderson marrionette from Thunderbirds Are Go!, who offers to drop the charges if Hawk is willing to sign-off on Mike's guardianship. As armwrestling is obviously way more important than creating a lasting bond with your one and only child, Hawk agrees immediately, heads to Vegas, sells his truck (for betting money), and gets into the competition.

Hawks! You'll never amount to anything, you pale bastard!
Meanwhile, Mike digs through his mother's personal items and finds the tens of letters Hawk wrote to him over the last twelve years, and decides that his criminally negligent father who lives in a truck (that he now no longer owns) is a much better person to lead him through life than his incredibly rich grandfather with a big mansion. Following in his father's criminal footsteps, he steals a truck and makes his way to Vegas to find his father.

Will Mike get there in time? Will Hawk win the armwrestling championship and the accompanying prize of a $250,000 truck? Could Robert Loggia get any more tan? Tune in to find out!

Larry is terribly disappointed to find out that this film doesn't hold up after all these years. He really loved it as a kid, and now...Well...Not so much. He thinks Mike is a giant puss.

Derek cannot get over how much Robert Loggia resembles a piece of beef jerky, that tanned sonofabitch. He also can't understand a word Stallone says, and he also thinks Mike is a whiney little punk. He is also shocked to discover that there was a line of Over The Top action figures!

This was a thing!
There was even a playset!
Jake knows that this movie is stupid, but he still can't help but enjoy watching. Like the others, he is confounded by everyone's inability to remember what Stallone's character's last name is, including Stallone. Also, Mike is a wimpy little nancy-boy.

There's also a conversation about Prince in The Lobby, a few new flicks Coming Soon, the worst of 1987 in Larry's List, Jake-ing Off over some cool improv podcasts, and the rules of Guydom are discussed Inside My Head.

So turn your hat around, spray some fake sweat on, and pin down this week's show!

April 25, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

What a shit week last week was.

Among the many celebrities we've lost this year already, guitarist Lonnie Mack, actress Doris Roberts, country singer Merle Haggard, wrestling star Chyna, and director of four James Bond movies Guy Hamilton all passed away. And as much as I feel sad for their friends and families, none of them even comes close to having the impact on me that the loss of Prince has.

I first became aware of Prince's music back around the time 1999 was released. I had heard some of his previous songs before, but, being about eleven or so, I had no idea who it was. But when 1999 came out...Holy cow. Songs like "Delirious", "Little Red Corvette", "D.M.S.R.", and the title track were getting regular rotation on the radio. It was hard not to hear him. And then Purple Rain landed and moved him into the stratosphere, from which he continued to release amazing music, including forming different bands to put out even more music (Prince was a prolific songwriter), because record companies tend to think that releasing a new album every fifteen minutes might cut into the sales of the ones from the previous hour.

When I heard about his passing, it was from a friend's post on Facebook, and I was shocked. I still am. The guy was only twelve years older than me. If Prince can't live forever, what the heck kind of chance do any of us regular people have?!

Anyway, the point is, it sucks and I'm not happy about it. But in tribute to a great artist, all of this week's graphics are of him. He's going to be missed like crazy.

Aw, shucks.
Other stuff happened this week, and Twitter made sure we all knew about it, usually with a nice twist.

F'rinstance, it was announced that Harriet Tubman will replace Alexander Hamilton on the $20 bill.

Naturally, tons of racist and misogynist dickbags came to bitch about the decision, and they were promptly mocked. (I chose not to share any of those because, quite frankly, those asshats don't need more attention.)

No, they do not.
The day that stoners everywhere look forward to so they can pretend they have an excuse to openly express their intense love of smoking weed to anyone who will listen (or not) arrived this week, and on 4/20 thousands of stoners did exactly that. And, as predicted, I could not have cared less. I mean, I have no issues with legalizing marijuana, but it's just not something that appeals to me, personally. I can't even stand the smell, for a start.

Anyway, somebody got creative and posted information about a secret Limp Bizkit show at a Sunoco station in Dayton, Ohio, on 4/20, despite the fact that such a show was never scheduled.

Like with marijuana, I'm no fan of Limp Bizkit, either. And largely for the same reasons. (Makes you act stupid, the unpleasant skunky smell.) But this is a pretty funny joke.

You what now?
Political stuff happened, too, but I don't wanna talk about any of that, except to say this:

And that's all I have to say about it.

Did he just...? He did, didn't he?
Anyway, there was one cool bit of news that I heard about this past week, via Birdemic star Whitney Moore.

So it wasn't all bad last week. Just mostly.

A girl?! Hide the comic books!
What wasn't shit last week were the tweets people were putting up. So many great ones that, in fact, I had a hard time trying to whittle it down to just ten! But I did...So what say we go look at them?

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a better week, will you? And to get it happening, here's a commercial about a restaurant that took a terrible situation and turned it around into something funny. (H/t to Kris Silva for the link. Again.)

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 20, 2016

Tango & Cash

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Once in a generation...a movie comes along that changes the landscape of cinema and completely rewrites the rules of its genre...

This is not one of those movies.

This week, the guys sat down to watch the Sylvester Stallone/Kurt Russell buddy cop epic, Tango & Cash. Or, as we here at Here Be Spoilers like to think of it...

Not even close.
Stallone and Russell are Tango and Cash. They're cops! One is neat and orderly. One is disorganized and chaotic. Can they get along?!?

Ray Tango is smart, well-off, and a damn good cop. When we meet him, he is in the process of shooting a truck to stop Gerardo and HBS patron saint Robert Z'dar from delivering a milk truck full of cocaine to...Um...Well, it's not really clear. Although Jack Palance may have something to do with it.

Jay Leno's and Bruce Campbell's chins cower in awe of the mighty Z'dar.
Shortly after, we meet Gabriel Cash. He's a loose cannon. He's dangerous. He's kind of Mel Gibson's Martin Riggs character from Lethal Weapon, but without the charm, talent, or likeability. And he's being shot at by a Chinese assassin, because why the hell not?

Both of these incidents are connected because due to downsizing in the 80s, Los Angeles had to concentrate its entire bad guy population into an old guy with only one lung: Frenchman Yves Perret, played by Jack Palance as a not-at-all French guy who wheezes a lot and concocts ridiculous schemes to rid his organization of the dead albatrosses known as Tango and Cash from around its neck.

Fun Fact: The rats were not a part of the script. Palance requested them
left around the set so he could snack between takes.
To that end, he comes up with a brilliant plan involving framing the two cops for the murder of an FBI agent. With the help of Brion James doing a terrible cockney accent, and an audio expert, this is exactly what happens.

They believe this shouldn't happen because they're smarter than that.
But no. No they are not.
Tango and Cash are sent to jail (the wrong one, because what sort of buddy picture would this be without at least one wacky mixup), where they are enthusiastically greeted by hundreds of criminals that they themselves had put there. Including Clint Howard! So it's not all bad.

With the help of Cash's old captain, they escape and take refuge in Tango's house, where his sister Kiki (Terri Hatcher, looking very Alyssa Milano-y) is staying while she dances on the Strip. But not the totally naked kind. More like the Jennifer-Beals-in-Flashdance kind.

With posters...not pictures...of herself on her own bedroom wall.
After a shower and some fresh clothes, as well as yet another hilarious mix-up involving a Three's Company-esque misunderstanding that leads Tango to believe Cash is poking Kiki, the guys get to work proving their innocence.

When they hunt down the mush-mouthed cockney Requin (again, Brion James...Let that sink in...) to get some information out of him, they choose less...standard methods.

The only way to confront Brion James.
All of this leads to a shootout between Tango and Cash, and Perret, who is holding Kiki as his hostage. You can probably guess how that turns out.

Derek refuses to believe these two idiots can even tie their own shoes, let alone be such highly-decorated police officers. And the fact that they have to point out over and over how smart they are shows just how much they are not.

Jake is still not sure what he was thinking when he chose this movie for the guys. He does, however, offer a compelling view into what he believes to be Sylvester Stallone's method for shooting emotional scenes.

Larry is fascinated by Robert Z'dar's chin. Also, what was with the Chinese guy who smoked a lot and did little else? These are the kinds of things that keep Larry awake at night. Also, WHY, KURT RUSSELL? WHYYYYYYYYY?

Because I want...to be alone...
There's also lots of fun stuff in The Lobby, two movies (but only one the guys could say anything about) Coming Soon, the worst of 1989 in Larry's List, holiday horror movies for Jake-ing Off to, and a convoluted conversation about unmade superhero movies that winds up casting the X-Men with the Brat Pack Inside My Head.

So load your guns, strap on some smarm, and listen to this week's episode!

April 18, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, gang! Another great week, if you ignore all usual garbage, which I did.

Instead, I observed some hashtag games...

And may have even taken part in some, in one capacity or another.

But, hey...It was fun!

It sure was!
And then I was blatantly harassed by a friend...The pain is almost unbearable, really.

But I continue to survive.

Despite my ineffectual attack methods.
Even when my world was turned upside-down by horrifying news. Fortunately, the denizens of the interwebs were able to properly give voice to my rage.

I mean...what the hell?

Jazz hands!
And then, of course, there were the awesome folks of Twitter, who, as they do every single week, make me laugh no matter how many bands Axl Rose is intent on ruining. Here, a look (in no particular order)...

Sweet, right? Now get out there and enjoy your week, you guys. And to help it along, here's another awesome Impractical Jokers clip to laugh at:

Looks like they picked the wrong snacks...

Admit it: You're kind of aroused by this.
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

P.S.: We couldn't find someplace to put this GIF in, but we wanted to share it, so here it is.

April 13, 2016

Road House

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This week, the guys took on the Herculean task of trying to put into words the majesty and complete perfection of the cinematic masterpiece known to the world as...Road House.

And while their feeble mortal minds can attempt to explain the greatest movie--nay, the greatest thing--ever created, be warned that those neanderthalic grunts and hoots cannot even begin to describe the grandeur of Patrick Swayze's performance as Dalton, an apparently world-renowned "cooler" with a philosophy degree, who trains bouncers in the art of hitting and kicking people into submission--in the most philosophical and zen manner possible--if they've had a few too many.

Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) travels to New York to see Dalton and hire him to clean up the Double Deuce, Tilghman's bar in Jasper, Kansas. It's a wretched hive of scum and villainy, if we here at Here Be Spoilers are any to judge, filled with violent customers, drug dealers, skimmers, hookers, dirtbags, former pro wrestlers, a guy who looks like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, Jeff Healey, and, of course, Keith David. And that's just the staff!

This is one of the more intellectual members of the staff.
When Dalton arrives in Jasper, he gets right to pissing people off, and it's not just the staff at the Double Douche. His landlord, a bearded hillbilly farmer named Jasper (no, really!), is at odds with Wesley (Ben Gazzara) because Wesley's helicopter and parties spook Jasper's horses. Also, Wesley is extorting money from everybody in the town, including Red (Red West), the owner of the local auto parts store.

Red's daughter (or granddaughter?), Doc (Kelly Lynch), is Dalton's medical practitioner of choice when he gets cut by one of Wesley's goons after Tilghman refuses to pay for protection from...Wesley's goons. As a result of her careful administration of staples, they have a bunch of gross and uncomfortable-looking sex against a fireplace made of large, pointy, and uneven rocks.

This movie has a lot of "Derp Face".
Between kicking people in the head and sex-having, Dalton spends his free time getting newer, less broken parts for his car, and doing Tai Chi in disturbingly tiny sweatpants and nothing else.

Seriously, dude...Check the tags before you buy them.
When Wesley's thugs cut off the Double Deuce's liquor supply, Dalton calls in his mentor, Wade Garrett (Sam Elliot, assisted by Sam Elliot's mustache), who arrives shortly after to mutter, be greasy, hit on Dalton's girl, and show off his astoundingly large man-bush.

Garrett's one failing is that he could never teach Dalton how to do a proper high-five.
Wesley's guys kill Garrett, blow up Jasper's house, blow up Red's store, and run over a bunch of station wagons at the town car lot with a monster truck, sending Dalton into a throat-ripping rage, and he goes on the hunt for Wesley.

Not Wesley, but extremely throat-rippy.
Will Dalton catch Wesley and go all Karate Kid on him, but, like, all philosophical? Or will the townspeople save Dalton the effort? Will Tiny marry the polar bear that took his virginity? You'll have to watch the movie to find out!

Derek doesn't just believe; he knows that this movie is the greatest thing in all of creation, even more so than the creation of the universe itself. When mankind looks back on all it has achieved during its tenure in this plane of existence, it will know that it reached its pinnacle in 1989, when Patrick Swayze arrived to tear throats and take names, and he doesn't care what your name is. Also, the film has a catchy soundtrack, so there's that, too.

Larry, like Derek, also has accepted that nothing mankind will ever produce, no matter how far forward science and technology and, yes, even the philosophical arts takes us, will make us as complete and enlightened as this film.

Jake was weirded out by Kelly Lynch's Klingon forehead-like chest. It has to be seen to be understood.

There's also Rogue One: A Star Wars Story news in The Lobby, a few good flicks Coming Soon, the best of 1989 in Larry's List, a lot of comments and conjecture about Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice while the guys are Jake-ing Off, and suggestions for new comic book movies Inside My Head (sponsored by Smoking Gun Cigarettes)!

So put on some tiny sweatpants, get oiled-up, and stretch your throat-ripping fingers as you listen to this week's show!

April 11, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, another week, another long and rambling introduction that is completely unrelated to the tweets, which you and I both know is why you're really here. And maybe some funny animated GIFs, like the ones I picked for this week, all of which feature that merc with a mouth, Deadpool.

An' I helped!
And so...

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am getting really tired of this weather. Here in Michigan, we've discovered that Mother Nature is bipolar, and, quite frankly, kind of a cunt. As I type this, it's about 60 degrees outside. Yesterday at this time, it was 20 degrees and snowing hard, which transitioned to sleet, and then straight-up rain.

What, if I can be perfectly blunt, the hell?

Now, I'm man enough to admit that I may be partially at fault in this particular case, because when I was riding my bike to work yesterday morning, I made a point to yell at every robin I saw because I feel we've been cheated, weather-wise, this Spring, and I felt that the appearance of the robins was, at best, a lie. I may have even called several of them assholes. So yesterday's weather...Yeah, that's partially on me.

But the rest of the week is supposed to be in the high 50s/low 60s, so
I guess being mean to birds wasn't a total waste of my time!
And the rest of my week was spent indoors, staring at my phone or my laptop. But I saw some neat stuff! F'rinstance, there's this terribly important flyer that one of the guys I follow on Twitter:

Also, it was discovered that Daisy Ridley, who played Rey in Star Wars: The Force Awakens, has a hidden talent!

Oh, and I saw Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice this past week, and I have only this to say: It was exactly as good as I expected it to be. That's not a bad thing. I go into greater detail in this week's episode of Here Be Spoilers (which will be posted Wednesday).

Suffice to say, I liked it. And all those critics who hated it can get a stepladder and jump up my butt.

And it just beat you-know-who's domestic box office...Shh. Don't ruin it for him.
And then there's the delicious, life-affirming tweets I saw this week. You Twitter guys...You're all a bunch of knuckleheads, ya know that?

And some of you...Well, let's just say I'm a little disappointed.
Every week, I think that you can't outdo yourselves with the things you say. And every week, you prove me wrong. Case in point:

Awesome, right? And a great way to start your week. So is this video clip!

Have a great week! G'bye! G'bye now!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 6, 2016

Total Recall (1990)

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When the guys got together this past weekend, little did they know they would find something so disturbing...so dumb...and yet so entertaining!

Yes, this week the guys sat down to watch and talk about a film that many critics have referred to as "about two hours long or so," and one that Roger Ebert himself may have even had no other option but to watch!

That's right, they watched the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger film, Total Recall!

"Classic", if for no other reason, because of this cool doohickey...
And the hooker with three tits.
Arnold inexplicably plays a guy named Douglas Quaid, a construction worker even more inexplicably married to 1990s Sharon Stone.

When Quaid decides to go to Rekall, a company that artificially inserts vacation memories into its customers' minds, something is triggered in his mind, and he discovers his life is a lie, he is a spy or some damn thing (it's not entirely clear), and he has to get to Mars and meet a contact in order to be safe.

Thus begins almost an hour-and-a-half of Arnold running around, killing people, and rambling incoherently. Oh, and it also includes Sharon Stone kicking him repeatedly in the junk -- a reaction we're sure most right-thinking people would have upon being confronted with a thick-tongued Austrian buttsteak gabbling at them.

She's willing to give him a fair chance, though.
When he reached Mars, he runs afoul of Richter (Michael Ironside), who works for the guy who owns all the air on Mars, Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox). After a ridiculous series of events that end with Arnold in a taxi with a guy named Benny (Mel Johnson, Jr.), he heads to the sleazy side of town and meets up with what turns out to be his actual girlfriend, Melina (Rachel Ticotin), who is also not too happy to see him, although she shows incredible restraint in not following Sharon Stone's lead and attempting to kick his genitals into a fine powder.

When Richter catches up to Quaid (and Sharon Stone tags along--you never know when an opportunity to kick Arnold's dick will come up), Melina finds it in her heart to forgive Quaid long enough for him to shoot Sharon Stone in the head and then go find out who Kuato is.

HINT: It may or may not be Clint Howard.
More people are killed, including Kuato and a number of innocent bystanders, because they were foolish enough to be in the same general region as the lumbering idiot that is Doug Quaid. Only after he is captured (again) is he made aware that he is in fact a guy named Hauser, and Hauser works for Cohaagen, and neither of them are very nice people, although it could be argued that Quaid isn't much of a good guy, either, considering how easily he mows down people with impunity.

After more running and killing, it comes down to Quaid, Melina, and Cohaagen standing inside a big ol' machine that ancient Martians built. The rumor is that it is supposed to build a breathable atmosphere for the people now living there, but Cohaagen and his gang insist it's a doomsday machine that will destroy the planet and kill everyone there. But that could all be bullshit and Cohaagen is just saying that so he can continue to milk everybody for more of the weird red money they use there.

Arnold, in his lack of wisdom, makes a big hole in the dome that's keeping the air in, and, mere moments after Quaid activates the machine, he, Melina, and Cohaagen all get sucked out into the airless Martian landscape. It's...not pretty.

Asphyxiation or O-face? YOU MAKE THE CALL!
And it doesn't go much better for Melina.

Rock it, Kirk Hammet! ROCK IT!
Will our "heroes" survive? Will the rest of the Mars population also survive? What's with that Tony guy's vagina face? Why the pinkeye? And how many times do each of the guys do the "Ah-nuld Grunt" in this discussion of the movie that birthed it? Tune in to find out!

Derek is deeply concerned about the number of crotch kicks and punches Arnold takes in this movie. Admittedly, his testicles are probably about the size of raisins due to steroid abuse, but you have to wonder, you know?

Jake manages to coin a term to describe the dumbing-down of a talented author's work in order to have a director of questionable skills make a Hollywood blockbuster. He's also fairly certain that Melina was, possibly even recently, a dude. This leads to a lot of referring to her as "bro" and "that guy". Hilarity ensues.

Larry reveals the secret to doing a Midwestern accent, which, according to him, involves saying "don't ya know" at the end of every sentence. He also displays an odd fascination with the damaging properties of Melina's possibly enormous package.

There's also some interesting news in The Lobby, some promising flicks Coming Soon, a recap of the 90s in Larry's List, Playstation news leads to a general conversation about console gaming while Jake-ing Off, and the three most un-sportsman-ish guys on Earth talk about sports movies Inside My Head.

So wrap a wet towel around your head and pull that ping pong ball out of your nose! It's time for this week's episode!

April 5, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody! Sorry I'm late with the list this week, but I was feeling gross and sinus-y yesterday, so I spent the entire day on my couch, watching Impractical Jokers and Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

But I feel better today, and I've brought a pile of tweets to cram all up in your face! But before we go there, let's talk about how I spent last week, shall we?

First off, I had a nice, entertaining Easter Sunday. Jake and Larry came over to watch Digging Up the Marrow for last week's episode, and then Larry and I rocked some serious Cards Against Humanity.

I then spent the rest of my day contemplating the important questions about the holiday...

And a good time was had by all.

This has nothing to do with anything. I just want to say that
I would play this game until my thumbs fell off.
The rest of my week was filled with making fascinating discoveries.

Not to mention, I also made some suggestions in ways to improve the world.

Now let's go look at the Twitter machine and see what it has to show, shall we?

Oh, wow...I think I typed the wrong address...
Wait, here it is...

And there you have it! Now go have an awesome rest of the week, will ya? And stay safe out there!

You have just kicked the shit out of dysentery!
But before you leave, check out this awesome single-shot Weird Al video from Mandatory Fun.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco