July 29, 2015

Sharknado 3

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Mother of GAWD, gang...It doesn't get much more awesome than this. (Despite what Jake might think.)

Ian Ziering (Finn), Tara Reid (April), and Cassie Scerbo (Nova) are back to kick some weather-based shark butt! And they brought along another ridiculous batch of cameos and co-stars, including (but by no means limited to) Bo Derek, Frankie Muniz, Mark McGrath, Robert Klein, Ann Coulter, Michelle Bachmann, Chris Jericho, and goddamn David freakin' Hasselhoff!

The Hoff contemplates the life choices that led him here.
Another batch of sharknados is hitting the east coast, and Finn finds himself in Washington, D.C., where he is being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for turning last year's storms into shark pudding. He barely has time to meet President Mark Cuban before the sharks start raining down into the White House. And when the Secret Service (including Agent Grant Imahara, formerly of Mythbusters) gets eaten, Finn Takes it upon himself to save the president by screaming a lot and shooting randomly in the air.

"Are you read to ROCK?!"
Somewhere else in the building, Finn's brother, Martin (McGrath) is surfing down the stairs on paintings of former presidents with Vice President Ann Coulter (if those three words don't give you the willies, nothing will), and kicking sharks in the face.

After saving the president, despite the White House being reduced to rubble, Finn makes his way to Orlando, where a pregnant April waits for him with her mother (Bo Derek), and his daughter Claudia (Ryan Newman) is hanging out at Universal Studios with her friend and being eye-humped by a couple of skeevy dudes.

Before he makes it to Orlando, Finn runs across his old friend, Nova, who now dresses like Casey Jones from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and her severely friendzoned partner Lucas (Muniz). They work for the National Weather Service, driving around in an armored Winnebago and shooting blue globs into the sharknados to make them dissipate. (And nobody seems to have any issues with this, despite the fact that it causes thousands of full-grown sharks to just fall from the sky, which can be damned inconvenient.)

"I'm sleepy. Tell me a story, Abraham Lincoln..."
Finn and Nova "borrow" a jet from the local Air Force base to try and destroy the sharknado by dropping the fuel tank into the center of the storm. But before they even get off the ground, the storm arrives, and Lucas has to sacrifice himself in the most awesome death scene ever committed to film, so they can fail miserably at their plan.

Faced with what could potentially become a "sharkicane" (a word that was actually used in this movie), Finn and Nova meet up with Gil (Hasselhoff), former astronaut and Finn's father, so they can borrow a space shuttle that NASA might just happen to have laying around. Unsurprisingly, they do, and immediately suit-up Finn and Gil to go up into space and enact their newer and more ridiculous plan. Oh, and April, who we will remind you is currently nine months pregnant, manages to get  into the shuttle, too.

After a comically insane series of events, including space sharks, the shuttle is destroyed, the storm is dissipated, the Hoff is on the moon, and Finn and April are re-entering the Earth's atmosphere in the carcass of a shark.

The landing goes off mostly without a hitch, and everyone survives. OR DO THEY?!

Everything about the ending is gross and gooey. Everything.
You'll have to tune in and listen to find out!

Jake is angered by the space suits. He feels that they are possibly not the best quality garment, especially for someone who plans on wearing it to space.

Larry feels sorry for at least one of the sharks because it didn't make it all the way through the loop when it landed on a roller coaster track. The others do their best to cheer him up, but it is only the balm that is the re-entry scene that works.

Derek thinks that this movie is absolutely perfect, second only to Roadhouse, in its execution, and he will fight anyone who dares to disagree.

There's also news in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, and One Thing (in which we talk about some friends)!

So grab this podcast! And keep watching the skies! KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!!!

July 27, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, it wasn't as terrible a week here at Chez Springer  as last week. At the very least, Bosco didn't try to jump through any windows or anything. Did I mention that? That's how the big dope managed to hurt himself last weekend.

Oh, I could post gross pictures of how he cut himself right by his left eye, and describe the injury in every disgusting detail...But I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'll post a pic of him already bandaged.

"Will there be a scar? I heard chicks dig scars..."
Anyway, the world is getting weird again. Hulk Hogan has been outed as a racist, by Vince fucking MacMahon, a guy who actually used the n-word in a WWE broadcast. On television. But Hogan's the bad guy here, apparently. Personally, I think both of them suck. MacMahon runs his business like a sweatshop, and Hogan has starred in such fare as Mr. Nanny and No Holds Barred. Really, there are no victims here, only perpetrators.

Okay, that's not entirely true. There are victims: wrestling fans. Although I haven't held any interest in wrestling since I was about 12 or 13 (back during the glory days of what used to be the WWF), I know what it feels like to find out one of your heroes isn't the awesome dude you thought he was.

"I told 'em! I told 'em, I said, 'Yer readin' my brain with rays,' I said! BLARGH!!!"
On the plus side of the week, Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No! aired on the SyFy Network, and IT. WAS. AWESOME. Seriously. Later this week, we'll be posting a shiny new episode of Here Be Spoilers about it, so stay tuned for that!

And now, on to some tweets!

This is, as always, just a tiny portion of the overwhelming awesomeness that is available to see on Twitter. Go there. Join. Follow these people. You will laugh until your guts hurt.

So, in no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and have an amazing week! And to help that along, check out this clip, because sometimes you just have to dance.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

July 23, 2015


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Well, it finally happened. This movie broke the guys' brains.

As punishment for...well, all of Jake's movie choices so far, Derek chose the 1988 Gremlins rip-off Hobgoblins.

It's the story of a group of complete and utter idiots who accidentally release some ugly little monsters into the world, and their efforts to corral them back into the movie studio vault from which they escaped.

Our "heroes".
There's the army guy who looks like Carmine from Laverne & Shirley, the extra from Square Pegs, the super-pervy nerd, the prudish girlfriend, and the loser who is responsible for the monsters getting out and must try to get them back to where they belong.

The titular hobgoblins are, for their part, poorly made puppets with all the expressiveness of a mentally-challenged brick.

However, they are still more appealing than the "heroes".
They have the ability to control people's minds, making them act on their fantasies. As a result, lots of gross sex is implied, the pervy guy almost gets thrown off a mountain by a phone sex operator, and the prude girl goes off to be a stripper at the classiest club in town.

Do not put your kids in the "ball pit".
When the gang goes there to rescue her, all sorts of wackiness ensues, including a hand grenade battle, the army guy who likes to vogue, a bouncer named Road Rash, and a waitress with hair shaped like a butt plug.

"But it wasn't a rock! It was a rock lobster!"
Will our heroes...You know what? Screw it. Everybody hated everything about this movie. It's garbage. There's nothing appealing at all.

Jake wants everybody to know how terribly, terribly sorry he is for all the movies he's made everyone watch. Really. But that doesn't mean he's going to stop picking them.

Larry wants to know what he did to deserve this.

Derek is unapologetic, and he hopes Jake has learned his lesson. He also regrets any collateral damage done to others who had to sit through this.

There's also news in The Lobby, Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, One Thing (including a shout-out to another podcast you should totally check out), and another round of Get To Know Me Better!

So tune in, if for no other reason, just so you won't have to actually watch the movie itself!

July 20, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

I know, I know...The list is late AGAIN. But I have a legitimate excuse this time. Ya see, Bosco got himself hurt pretty bad last night, and I was busy being freaked-out and terrified. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, he is very lucky. I do not think, however, he would agree with me, because now he has to wear a Cone of Shame to make sure he doesn't make his injury worse. I've tried to comfort him by telling him he will now have a bitchen scar to impress the ladies with, but he's still pouting.

Anyway, aside from my dog's adventures, this has been one messed-up week. Arianna Grande licked donuts at a donut shop and claimed she hated America, only to back off the hating part and blame the rest on the fact that childhood obesity is a bad thing here in the U.S. (Not sure how licking donuts that did not belong to obese children helped, but I'm no celebrity.)

Donald Trump stuffed his foot even further down his throat this week. After last week's debacle of claiming Mexico was sending nothing its worst criminals over the border, he doubled-down on the comments, pissing off one of Mexico's biggest drug kingpins, who promptly escaped from jail. Trump stated he wasn't scared and would "kick El Chapo's ass". Maybe he'll do it on pay-per-view to raise money for charities or something.

Anyway, this week, Trump said that he didn't consider Senator (and former Republican presidential candidate) John McCain a war hero because he was caught.

Think about that: Trump, who avoided any sort of time in the military during the Vietnam War due to deferments, said that McCain, a decorated veteran who had been shot down, captured, and fucking tortured...is not a war hero.

Will the real Donald Trump please stand up?
On a semi-related note, we here at Ugly Couchcast Industries do not have any legitimate sponsors, but if the guy who created the Donald Trump Butt Plug wants a little exposure, we'd be happy to feature it on one of the podcasts. The argument over who is going to have to do the product testing will be worth the investment alone. I get opt out, because I'm the one who owns the camera and will have to take the demonstration photos, and trust me when I tell you that I will be almost as uncomfortable as the demonstrator. Almost.

Anyway, over on Twitter, people were, as always, funny as heck! So let's see what they had to say. And, as always, if you dig 'em, follow 'em. They're great!

In no particular order...

And there you have it! So here's to a better week than last week. If we continue to improve each week, we should reach the "Best Week Even Horizon" within the next five years, and then we'll all convert to pure energy and become sentient. Neat-o! And to help the process along, here's another funny clip from the folks at Wits, featuring two of the characters from Thrilling Adventure Hour:

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

July 15, 2015

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

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Let's assume you're the director of a wildly popular horror film about a family of cannibalistic hillbillies, one of whom is proficient in the lumberjacking trades. The film itself was a surprise hit, but a hit nonetheless, and, as a result, you got a job working for one of the most well-known names in Hollywood, directing a movie that more-or-less cemented your name as a guy who can make a solid film.

So what comes next? Maybe you get cold feet and decide to head back to the well that brought you this fame. Or maybe you felt you hadn't told the whole story, and now was your chance to do so, but with a better budget. Or, hell, maybe you were even contractually obligated. Whatever.

Unfortunately, what you end up with is a festering turd of a movie that is barely a dried, dead husk of the one that started it. The characters are horrible, the only returning actor is the one that looks like a Spittin' Image Ronald Reagan Puppet...

...but hey! At least you got Dennis Hopper flailing around wildly with chainsaw while he quotes the Bible, right?

Hack 'n slash for JESUS!
Ya see, it turns out that the family from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre were never rounded up and prosecuted for killing and eating a bunch of middle-aged teens. Oh, and Chop-Top? The guy with the straight razor fetish who got run over by a truck at the end? Yeah, he got himself a metal plate in his head and is doing just fine.

And he joined Crosby, Stills & Nash...
After a couple of yuppie chunkheads make some trouble, mostly by shooting signs and mailboxes, as well as calling the local radio station to harass a DJ named Stretch, Chop-Top and company murder them, and not a moment too soon. Those guys totally had it coming to them.

During the police investigation, "Lefty" Enright (Hopper) starts poking around, hoping to find some clues as to who or what killed his nephew in the summer of 1973. After being told to keep out of it, he makes contact with Stretch, who has a recording of the murders, and she tries to deliver it to him at what appears to be a Sam Elliot convention.

Lefty tells stretch he wants her to play the tape on the air, hoping it will draw out the murderers, which, of course, it does. Chop-Top and Leatherface show up at the station, where they rummage through the record collection, and then Leatherface does some sort of weird masturbation/simulated chainsaw sex thing with Stretch, but not before he spends almost ten minutes just tearing up a tub full of ice and soda pop.

Because nothing says "sexy" like murderous beverage abuse and
chainsaw diddling!
For some reason, Leatherface takes a shine to Stretch, and shows her just how much he cares by cutting off her producer/engineer's face and putting it on her. Honest. That really happens. It's gross.

The two brothers then drag Stretch back to their new digs, under a theme park (of sorts) that is reminiscent of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' secret lair in the second movie. Lefty tracks them there, where he confronts them in what is possibly the most uninteresting chainsaw duel you will ever lay eyes on.

Jake is furious about Leatherface. And the guy that was hired to play him. Ya see, Bill Johnson is a very nonviolent kinda guy. And it shows. Basically, Leatherface is turned into a chainsaw-wielding puppy.

WHO'SAGOODBOY? WHO IS? YOU are! Yes you are!
Derek is obsessed with how much Jim Siedow looks like a Spittin' Image puppet. He's also upset that there wasn't more focus on his character winning an award for the best chili in Texas.

Larry wants to know what love is. He wants you to show him.

There's also a ton of SDCC news in The Lobby, Coming Soon, One Thing, Larry's List, and Hollywood Purgatory! Plus shout-outs to some of our pals!

So tune in and hack your way through this week's episode!

July 13, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Jeepers, you guys! What a week! And while there were some not-so-good things going on (turns out Bill Cosby admitted "buying drugs to have sex with women"; Jared from Subway got busted by the feds; Ariana Grande was seen licking donuts at a donut shop and saying she hated America, and then issued a non-apology that went on a weird rant about how kids in the U.S. are fat), there were quite a few awesome things, most of which came out of the San Diego Comic-Con. (Star Wars VII behind-the-scenes reel, Deadpool, Batman v. Superman, Walking Dead Season 6, and Ash vs. Evil Dead trailers, among the bunch). And that's all well and good.

Nerd Porn!
However, there are two things that are incredibly super-groovy that I want to point out.

First off, Bloom County creator Berkeley Breathed released the first new Bloom County strip in twenty-five years!

What inspired him to return? There are a few theories, but I'd like to believe that it's because he saw what was coming for the 2016 election and decided that he had to be a part of that. It's perfect for Opus, Bill, Steve Dallas, Milo, and all the others to get in on! Here's hoping Bill the Cat runs again!

Second, you all remember my interview with VFX ninja and friend of the show Billy Brooks, right? Well, he was at SDCC for a panel on the web series he worked on called Con Man, which stars former Firefly cast members Nathan Fillion and Alan Tudyk. Also working on the show was Billy's partner, Barry Bishop. The panel was being moderated by comedian Chris Hardwick (aka @nerdist), and he took a moment to introduce the two of them to the crowd of roughly 7000 people in Hall H. And then this happened:

So, a big shout out and congratulations to Billy and Barry from all of us here at Ugly Couchcast Industries!

And now, let's get to some tweets shall we? And, as always, if you dig these, you should totally come on over to Twitter and join us, where you can find even more funny stuff!

In no particular order...

And there you have it! Not a bad week at all! Now on to the next one! And, to help that along, here's a hilarious clip suggested by our pal Kris Silva:

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

July 9, 2015

License to Drive

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Ah, the eighties...Remember those? Back when the colors were pastel and neon, the music was electronic, the shoulders were heavily padded, and the movies could be carried by two teenagers named Corey?

Well, this week, the guys took a trip back to 1988 and watched License to Drive, starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Heather Graham, and a bunch of other people most of you philistines wouldn't recognize if we put them in here.

"Yeah, Corey...We've got a looong future ahead of us! We'll live forever!"
Corey Haim is Les, a kid who is desperate to get his driver's license and madly in love with Mercedes (Heather Graham). His best friend, Dean (Feldman) is...well, we're not exactly sure what his purpose in this film is, as he really doesn't spend a lot of time in it. And when he does, he is usually being a colossal douche. (Obviously, they were casting to type here.)

When Les fails the written test of his driving exam, all hope is lost...until his parents fall asleep so he can steal his grandpa's car and take Mercedes out on a date.

Let us reiterate that last bit: Heather goddamn Graham actually wants to go out on a date with Corey fucking Haim.

In the background, you can see the plot imploding in on itself.
What follows is an all-night romp of crazy kookiness or some damn thing, including car chases, an oily Italian guy, riots, and Corey Feldman taking pictures of a drunk, passed-out Heather Graham's rack as they all cruise down the highway toward Stuckey's. Seriously.

Come to Stuckey's and try the Cosby Cocktail!
All the while, Corey Feldman maintains his (drastically misplaced) smugness, and Corey Haim looks confused and makes the viewer uncomfortable due to his inability to close his mouth over his tongue.

Will the Coreys and the future Rollergirl make it through the evening without getting caught by the police, the parents, or the drunk guy who stole Grandpa's Caddy? Tune it to find out!

Larry almost instantly regrets choosing this movie because it does not hold up well. (Not that it was good to begin with or anything...)

Jake also regrets Larry choosing this movie, largely because there were so many good actors in this movie that were woefully underused so that everyone had to spend the majority of the 90-ish minutes of the film staring at the Coreys instead of people with real talent.

Derek regrets even becoming friends with Larry because of this film. Oh, he's seen worse, but none had anything in them as disturbing as Corey Haim's stupid tongue poking out of his stupid face. It gave Derek nightmares for two days, all of which looked vaguely like this:

So gross...
There's also a few items in The Lobby, movies Coming Soon, One Thing, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, and another thrilling round of Secret Identity! Not to mention a stunning number of digressions throughout the show!

So tune in and hear about the guys' proposed ideas for the other two parts of what was supposed to be a trilogy!

July 6, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody! I hope you had an AWESOME July 4th weekend! I had to work, but I got together with the guys Sunday, and we recorded a new podcast (which I'll be editing tonight), so it ended well.

Before we get started, a few bits of stuff to cover.

First, it's July 6th, which is my son Nigel's birthday! I can't believe he's 17 already...It seems like just yesterday that he was 16.

They grow up so fast!
Here's a podcast I did with him two years ago, in case you missed it the first time around: Episode 14: It's a Helluva Town!

Second, you may have noticed (or not) that there was no Here Be Spoilers episode last week. Well, that's because I realized that we have been doing the show for an entire year, and instead of watching a movie to celebrate, the guys and I got together and played another fun round of Card Against Humanity. We did record the game, but I haven't decided whether I'm going to eventually post it, or maybe just use clips from it here and there. (Most likely the latter.)

Anyway, as it was a holiday weekend, and my schedule was all weird because of it, the list of tweets is late. But, hey...Better late than never, right? Right?!

That aside, there were a buttload of great ones over on the Twitter machine, and, as always, I can't recommend going over there and finding a bunch more funny on your own. That way you can get even more funny than the piddly little list I offer up every week. If you do join, add me. I'm @The RealDCF over there.

And so, in no particular order...

And there you have it! Here's to this week being awesome for everyone! And to set it on the right path, here's a video that was suggested to me by Larry Siecynski: Avengers of Oz: The Age of Tin Man!

All the best,
Bosco and Derek