March 30, 2016

Digging Up the Marrow

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This week, the guys sat down to watch Adam Green's quiet little side-project called Digging Up the Marrow. That's not so odd.

Despite Adam Green looking like the lovechild of
Michael Ian Black and Zak Bagans (from Ghost Adventures)
No, what is odd is that, for only the second time in the history of the show, not everyone sat down together and watched it at the same time. You see, the original plan was to get together early on Easter Sunday because Jake was having dinner with his girlfriend and some of her family. A good time was going to be had. Unfortunately, Jake forgot to call Larry on Saturday to let him know, and Larry kinda sorta overslept, so Derek and Jake sat down to watch it and record the show,

Later in the day, Larry texted both of them and offered to come watch the movie later. And so, Derek had to watch this movie twice. And Derek had to essentially edit two shows together.

Only the healing balm of a Ray Wise performance was able to make it better.
And what a movie! (Or, as Larry put it, "What? A movie?") It's actually more of a mockumentary about director Adam Green's interaction with retired detective William Dekker, who contacted Green to tell his story about The Marrow -- a place where...what most would call "monsters" spend most of their days away from the rest of humanity.

At night, though, they mess with a kid named Linus by dressing as the Great Pumpkin.
When Adam decides to give Dekker a shot at proving himself, they wind up in the woods, hiding behind a grave marker. (And, really, who hasn't ended up crouching behind a tombstone with a retired detective in the middle of the night? Right?) On the first night, not much happens. But the next time they go to the hole in the woods, things get a little more...exciting.

With surprising footage under his arm, Adam and his business partner/cameraman Will attempt to show it to others, and nobody is willing to believe that it's real. Even Kane freakin' Hodder watches it and hopes it will turn into a porno flick. Weird guy.

While Adam and Will are on a convention tour, their editor, Josh, finds something suspicious from additional footage captured by cameras they set up after the second trip. In it, Dekker is seen hanging around the hole, spooning some sort of food into it, and crying while he sits on the edge.

Dekker attempts to pull the old "What's that over there?" escape.
When the two go back out to the hole to see if they can find any clues as to what was going on, and they are confronted by Dekker. But that's not the worst of it! They also run across a few of those "monsters" that Dekker was telling them about.

Maybe he's born with it...
After the Great Pumpkin tries to eat Adam's car, they escape and argue a lot about what the hell is going on out there in the woods. Plans are made to go back the next day...

And that's all we're telling you right now. You'll just have to listen to the show to find out the rest!

Jake is surprised at how well the movie plays, especially considering how small the budget was. (Spoilers: It was basically done with the money from returning empty soda and beer cans.)

Larry disagrees. Not so much that it doesn't look good, but rather than he doesn't care for the documentary style the movie was made in. He does think the monsters look pretty cool, though.

Derek was disappointed that he was able to figure out the secret of Dekker's son less than halfway through the movie. It was kinda projected.

There's also news in The Lobby, movies nobody recognizes Coming Soon, Larry's List, Jake-ing Off, and snacks Inside My Head!

So get your shovel and dig up this show!

March 28, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! Did you all enjoy your Easter? Was lots of ham and stuff consumed? Myself, I had bratwursts and watched a movie. Twice. (That will be explained in this week's episode...Trust me.) And I offered my opinion about the holiday.

As did others.

Today, everybody had to go back to work.

Yes, even the Easter Bunny had to go in.
Last week, however, everybody was reading about the newest steaming pile of news from the GOP presidential hopefuls, the most recent of which is the rumor (according to the National Enquirer, whose record of stories about this sort of thing is surprisingly good, despite everything else they've ever published) that Senator Ted Cruz has had affairs with five different women.


And people had opinions about that.

Shown: Imagining anyone agreeing to have sex with Ted Cruz.
Meanwhile, I was wondering what a certain fast food restaurant has against the good guys in the galaxy.

Among other things...

These are the things that keep me awake at night, ya know?

And things like this, but that's for my therapist to work out.
But enough of my psychological issues! Let's have a look at yours, people of Twitter! In no particular order...

Woah! Woah! Not so close, guys!

And there you have it! Great stuff, right?

So now, go sneak some more of your kids' Easter candy, relax, and have a look at one of my favorite music videos of all time:

Prince - Batdance 1989 from Nhan Tran on Vimeo.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 23, 2016

The Harry Potter Series

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To finish out Their Month of Mult-Movie Marathons, the guys sat down to talk about the entire Harry Potter series! And not only that, but they brought in their friend, Troy Parker, to join them, specifically because he claims he hates these movies. Can the HBS Crew convince him just how incredibly wrong he is? Or will they see the error in their ways and join him in hating all over these films?

(SPOILER: The guys remain steadfast in their belief that these flicks are great fun, and they did get Troy to commit to watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince all the way through, as he'd only watched the last half before now.)

Besides, he has to get caught up on the updated rules of Quidditch!
What initially starts out as an attempt to head into these films in a relatively organized manner quickly devolves into connecting scenes from one film to another, an attempt at trying to remember what all the horcruxes are, whether or not Bernie Mac would have made a good Professor McGonnagle simple because they both have a "Mac" sound in their names (same deal with Cedric the Entertainer as Cedric Diggory), and whether there should be a standalone film about Severus Snape's early years. (Yes. And it should star Bumbershoot Cabbagepatch.)

Larry wants a book based on Quidditch Through the Ages.
Among other things discussed are how Ron managed to hook up with a cutie like Hermione, why Harry and Ginny, and what th' hell, Dobby's death? Also, an attempt is made to reach a consensus as to whether or not Bellatrix LeStrange is hot enough to overlook the vast piles of crazy that live behind her eyes.

Nothing sexually implied here. Just good, wholesome Quidditch!
Things finally--sorta--coalesce around Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and Part 2, as they guys discuss what they think happened and whether or not Harry actually is The Chosen One. They also manage to go off on many different tangents about video games, other movies, comic books, and Anime. As a result, they are able to tie the entire series of movies into Akira, The Muppets, Grand Theft Auto V, Fallout, Bioshock, and Star Wars, among others.

For example, this is basically the Pod Racing of the Harry Potter Universe.
Troy explains why it is that he hates the Harry Potter books and movies so much, and it all comes down to required reading at school. Even so, he seems very open to the idea of re-watching the movies, just to get a better look at what the others like so much about them.

Derek is still very upset about Dobby's death, as well as Snape's, Dumbledore's, and Mad Eye Moody. He's also incredibly impressed at what a badass Molly Weasley turned out to be.

Larry is upset that he spent a lot of time writing 14 pages of notes about the Deathly Hallows movies, only to put them down so the rest of the guys could ramble and make vague connections. Still, it was a lot of fun!

Jake wants everybody to know just how much he hated Dolores Umbridge, which gives credit to actor Imelda Staunton for playing the part so well. But really, that Umbridge woman needs a good, solid kick in the front-butt.

Bitches get snitches!
So put on your robes, get out your wand, and accio podcast!

March 21, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Is everybody sobered up from St. Patrick's Day by now?

I'd like to hope so, but just in case, I'll type as quietly as I can while I'm doing this.

Now, I know that I said I wasn't going to talk about Trump anymore, but I have to mention the ongoing problems that are cropping up at his rallies.

First, there's been a lot of hostility from the audiences on both sides. So many protesters have shown up at these dog-and-pony shows that the police have had to get involved, and pepper spray has been liberally (no pun intended) and enthusiastically deployed. However, the protesters have, as far as I have seen, remained non-violent.

On the other side, Trump's supporters have been extremely hostile toward those protesters. One guy was arrested for straight-up cold-cocking a man who was peacefully leaving the rally. And then he was caught on video saying something like, "Next time, we may have to kill him..."

No! Bad racist douche canoe!
Another protester was attacked this past weekend. And it's not just the people who are there to see Trump; his campaign manager is getting in on the violence, shoving people, grabbing a "journalist" that works for Breitbart. Donald has apparently decided he is unstoppable and can do whatever he wants.

Fear not, soulless ginger, for help is on the way!
Unfortunately for him, a CNN poll released recently says that both Bernie Sander and Hillary Clinton will defeat him soundly, should he receive the GOP nomination. So there's that to look forward to.

Meanwhile, while actively avoiding all this political stuff, I've been checking out other stuff. F'rinstance, I absolutely recommend that you read my friend Abby's story about a particular St. Patrick's Day where she went to extremes in the name of justice. Sort of.

She's small, but terrifying! Plus she plays the accordion! Be very afraid...

Buh-RING it!
And now, let's us go look at some tweets from the Twitter, shall we? Of course we will...In no particular order...

And there you have it!

Now, before we go to this week's video clip, I want to wish everybody a Happy Zombie Jesus Day next weekend. Up until recently, I was totally unaware of what the Easter Bunny had to do with Jesus supposedly being resurrected. Then Jake explained it to me. It turns out that the rabbit is associated with a pagan goddess name Eostre. I was so shocked, I did a doubletake.

And not just because giant, anthropomorphic rabbits terrify me.
And so, here's to a great week and an awesome Easter, and to help you along with both, here's another clip from Impractical Jokers featuring Sal, who is a germophobe who is terrified of animals.

Now get out of here, and don't eat too much Easter candy.

Especially those robin's eggs...Not a fan.
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 16, 2016

The Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman Movies

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This week, the guys sat down to watch what started the resurgence of the superhero film genre, and then, a few films later, almost destroyed it again. And then they talked about all four of the Batman movies that were directed by Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher. What followed was a deep, darkening spiral into a world where comic book canon was ignored with a vigor hitherto unknown to the filmgoing public. Batman was murdering like it was no big deal, Batgirl was Alfred's niece, Arnold Schwarzenegger was encased in plastic, teenager Dick Grayson was a 26-year-old manchild who called the butler "Al", and Tommy Lee Jones turned in a more manic performance than Jim Carrey.

What, it should be asked, the hell?

These aren't the Batman movies you want; but they are the Batman movies you deserve.
Starting out with 1989's Batman, it is quickly established that "Dark and Moody" was going to be the tone for these films. An angry public cried out at the selection of Michael Keaton to play everybody's favorite rubber-clad billionaire, but was slightly mollified by the addition of Jack Nicholson as the Joker, and all it cost Warner Brothers was a fuckton of money (which they quickly made back) and top billing. Throw in Kim Basinger and Jack Palance, nail some old Prince outtakes and a new dance track to it, and you've got yourself a party!

Hot on the heels of that money-making juggernaut came Danny DeVito stuffing dead fish into his mouth in 1992's Batman Returns.

What's that now?
Oh sure, Michael Keaton returned to play the hero, Michelle Pfeiffer looked hot as heck in the Catwoman suit, and Here Be Spoilers favorite Christopher Walken made some bold hair choices, but the real star of the show was DeVito, who chewed scenery with almost as much gusto as he put into trying to make the collective viewing audience throw up in their mouths. It's gross.

This, but, like, 130 feet wide. Drink it in.
For 1995's Batman Forever, neither Keaton nor Burton returned. Keaton took a pass on this one when Burton handed off the franchise to his dark minion, Joel Schumacher. So the search was on for a new Dark Knight, and Schumacher decided to dial back the intensity quite a bit, choosing to have Val Kilmer play the part as though he were made entirely of plywood. And as his love interest, it seemed only right that the part of Chase Meridian be played by Nicole Kidman, but as if she were half sloth.

I'm Batman...
The villains this time around were way more colorful and manic, with Jim Carrey as the Riddler and Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face. The most stunning thing about these choices (aside from Jones's deep dislike of Carrey), is that Tommy Lee Jones turns in a more energetic performance than everyone else combined. It should be noted, however, that this takes nothing away from Carrey's performance, which Derek considers one of his best.

Aww, shucks!
It should also be noted that, as the guys move further into these films, the worse they get. And the worse they get, the less the guys want to talk about them. This is important to remember as you listen, because it brings us to...

1997's Batman and Robin.

Kilmer's out, and George Clooney is in. Chris O'Donnell returns as Dick Grayson/Robin, and Alicia Silverstone' comes in hot as Barbara Pennyworth -- Alfred's niece. Take a moment to let that sink in, because it made the guys really angry. Although not nearly as angry as casting Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze, and Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. In fact, it's not even the casting, so much as it is the costuming choices made for them, as well as the rest of the actors in the movie.

Everything wrong with Batman and Robin in one convenient photo.
Nothing about this movie is good. Oh, there were possibilities out the wazoo, but none of them came to fruition, and everyone was left feeling as though they had been lightly assaulted. And so, because of this, the guys spend almost no time talking about it, and they are happy with that choice.

Derek absolutely hates whoever it was that designed Poison Ivy's costumes. It's like they never even met Uma Thurman or, you know, looked at her. He also argues in favor of George Clooney returning to play "old guy Batman" in the future, because he's one of the few actors out there who can play Bruce Wayne without any effort at all.

Jake is angry about how the franchise was pretty much destroyed by committee after Tim Burton walked. He also worries about Batman's junk, and what sort of chafing issues might arise from wearing a rubber muscle suit for hours at a time. (Hint: Talcum powder is probably bought in 50-gallon drums.)

Larry is all over the place on this one, but in a good way. He makes some of the funniest jokes he's made in a while, and even jumps in for a bit of improvised executive meetings to discuss casting Batman and Robin.

There's also some stuff in The Lobby, a new Pee-Wee Herman movie Coming Soon, quotes in Larry's List, shameless bragging while Jake-ing Off, and work pranks when the guys go Inside My Head!

So polish up your rubber codpiece, pull on your cowl, and tune in!

March 14, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you there. I was...scrapbooking. Yes, scrapbooking...AND NOTHING WEIRD.

And certainly not watching this for hours while I laugh like a schoolgirl.
Anyway, I haven't been on the Twitter very much this week because I've been out there, living life and reporting back on my findings!

I've also made myself extremely vulnerable by sharing family secrets that have never been shared before!


Excuse me while I dance out my rage, Kevin-Bacon-in-Footloose-style.
And, as has been the case recently, there were 8,463 debates, a bunch of primaries, and a bit of violence, because why the hell not. Frankly, I'm sick of it all. And then I found this tweet, which explains this election perfectly.

That pretty much wraps all that up.

Get down with ya bad self!
Anyway, over on Twitter, the funny was just piling up. And here I was, missing it. But I managed to find some good stuff because I didn't want to disappoint you, the tens of people who come here every week to see if dumbass ol' me was smart enough to pick one of your tweets that I retweeted for the list. If I didn't, please know that it has nothing to do with the quality of your work. If anything, it's more of a statement about my own work, which can best be described as "minimal".

All the same, let's have a look at what I've got this week, won't we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! WOO!

I...uh...I'm not sure what's really going on here.
So! Get out there, have a great week, and watch this awesome show called Impractical Jokers (not necessarily in that order):

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 9, 2016

The Indiana Jones Series

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Welcome to week two of Multi-Movie Madness, where the guys discuss piles of related movies, all in one go!

This week, they sat down to talk about the George Lucas/Steven Spielberg/Harrison Ford quartet of Indiana Jones movies. And what a weird conversation it was.

Although, unlike these two, Derek, Larry and Jake were wearing pants
during their conversation.
Rather than go over the plots of all four movies (Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) in this rundown, we're mostly going to say funny things and put up pictures.

Raiders, of course, started the whole thing. And, as exciting as this movie is, it should be noted that almost everything, short of the opening sequence that is so iconic, almost everything in this movie could have happened without Indy there, and others would have been safer.

The only major difference is that this big German guy wouldn't have
kicked Indy's ass.
Oh, sure, people get killed and have their faces melted off their heads and everything, but it can be assumed that all of that was going to happen anyway, but probably quicker and with less smarm.

This guy's masturbation sessions would have a whole different feel
to them, for instance.
The Germans would have found the Ark...eventually. Belloq would have still insisted on opening it before taking it to Berlin. Marrion Ravenwood would have maybe been tortured a bit so the Nazis could get the Staff of Ra headpiece, but her bar would most likely not have been burned to the ground. Even Indy would have been able to hang back at the college he teaches at and maybe get some of that sweet college coed action. (Or whatever passed for that in the early 1940s...Probably firmly holding hands or something.)

Frenchy LaFoofoo would have gone home, smoked tiny cigarettes, and
fathered several equally French children to make his family's shitty wine.
So, really, Indy is the real problem in this flick. Just ask the guy he shot in cold blood at the bazaar. (A scene that happened because almost everyone on the cast and crew got food poisoning.)

Come on, buttcheeks! Stay together!
In Temple of Doom, we go backwards a little, and Indy is forced through a series of terrible situations that are largely a result of the horrible, screechy cow he's saddled with: Willie Scott. She's just awful. And about as useful as a broken dick.

But hey, she knows how to wear a tight, cleavage-showing dress, so she's in!

Here she is, preparing to ruin a simple religious ceremony. She's
a headbutt-to-the-groin of a person.
Indy also has a small Asian boy named Short Round that hangs around with him. This makes sense, considering that his early, pre-movies relationship with Marrion shows us that he likes 'em young.

And kinda murdery.
Indy and his hangers-on run across the Thugee, who are running some sort of child labor/Kali worship thing out of the basement of Pankot Palace in India, right under the nose of the maharajah, who is too busy being an effeminate 12-year-old who eats gross food. (As most 12-year-olds are wont to do.)

The Thugee also stole a village's Sankara Stone, and Indy wants to steal it back, but only so he can take it home and become famous and stuff, because, as we all know, archeology groupies will do anything (and we mean anything) for a glimpse of a rock that looks like a baked potato with fork grooves carved in it!

If you like your archeologists sweaty, covered in filth, and looking confused,
have we got somebody for you!
For Last Crusade, we get to meet Indy's dad, Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. -- a stern man who thinks it's okay to smack women and is obsessed with the Holy Grail. He and Indy don't get along very well, but they try.

And it goes swimmingly.
Traveling with the Jones's friend Marcus to Venice, Italy, Indy hunts for his father, first running across (and pissing off) the Nazis again, and then incurring the wrath of a group that is dedicated to keeping the Grail hidden. But the Austrian archeologist that worked with Henry is easy on the eyes, so that makes everything pretty even, if you ask us.

Dad? Dad, is that you? I want you to meet Elsa...
Once they find Henry, they reconnect with Marcus and Sallah (from Raiders), and then lose Henry again, as the Nazis have recaptured him. This man is clearly a danger to himself and the others who are connected to him, as he is almost constantly putting their lives in danger by doing stupid things.

But Indy's not totally innocent on that count himself.
The Grail itself is a complicated thing to find, what with tasks and traps and all kinds of whatever. Frankly, the end result really isn't worth what these guys went through.

By Crystal Skull, it looks like the creators of these films had realized the same thing, so they put together this wreck of a film, and then they stuffed Shia LaBeouf in there, and dragged Marrion back into it!

Fun Movie Fact: Indy was all up in this.
There are Russians, aliens, nukes, a doughy Englishman who appears to have a history with Indy that is only vaguely elluded to, and John Hurt, because why the hell not.

They're just as confused and scared as you are, folks.
The main Russian, though, is played by Cate Blanchett, and if you're turned on by thick-tongued accents and Moe Howard haircuts on your women, strap in!

You see, there should be a brain in there somewhere, Dr. Jones.
Marcus is dead. Indy's dad is dead. Sallah is probably dead, as well, but he's a foreigner, so Indy doesn't even bother to mention him. But Mutt is there to cover all the slack-jawed jabbering any of those three could have mustered, and on that count, Shia LaBeouf shines like a guy who is in a movie that he has no right being in.

There's no need to go into the story at all here, because you will forget it literally moments after you read it. It's that silly. Suffice to say, it's inter-dimensional beings. There. We saved you a rental.

Derek is bothered by the fact that our hero is a shameless criminal. And he does not mean just stealing items from the tombs of dead kings and whatnot. Indy is a murderer. He is a kidnapper. A lady puncher. (Although, it could be argued, this is a genetic trait he picked up from his father.) And, worst of all, he is a pedophile. It's all right there, and it's disturbing as fuck.

Jake hates the bluescreen in these movies, but then concedes that he is nostalgic for it in Crystal Skull because they did all the effects in that digitally. It doesn't feel the same. He also defends Last Crusade to those who have turned on it since it first came out. The others will back him up on this: It's still a great flick. So shut up about it.

Larry is worried he'll be fired because he remembers almost nothing about Last Crusade, and thinks it didn't feel like an Indiana Jones movie. But not to worry; he won't be fired. He will, however, have to sit under the desk while Bosco takes over his chair. (Bosco knows how to appreciate a good Sean Connery performance in a fun movie.)

So get your man purse and whip, and tune in for this week's episode!

March 7, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Howdy, folks!

Another week, another couple dozen Republican debates, a few Democratic ones, a bunch of caucuses and primaries where people looked at the choices available, read about them...

"Huh...Ted Cruz is a human...I would never have guessed."
...and chose what they felt was the least of all evils.

Mostly in the hopes that the polling people will give them one of those cool "I voted" stickers.
And, of course, there were more opportunities for Donald Trump to offend people and act like the turd-with-teeth that he is. If he keeps kicking people out of his rallies, he's going to end up screeching his ridiculous rhetoric at nobody but his daughter and his campaign staff.

Also, muttering nutbag brain surgeon Ben Carson dropped out of the race, finally accepting that the world wasn't ready for a guy who talks like he's tried all the drugs available at a Grateful Dead concert.

On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders seems to have embraced his "angry old man" persona, even going so far as to cut off Hillary Clinton when she tried to interrupt him during their debate in Flint, Michigan, yesterday.

"Excuse me, young man. I hope I can count on your vote."
Finally, last Tuesday was Super Tuesday, when a whole buttload of states held their primaries and awarded delegate votes to the various candidates. It took me a while to get the hang of it, though.

But all that silliness aside, the folks over on Twitter were on fire again (like always) with their own special brand of silliness. Here, have a look!

And there you have it! Now, before I get outta Dodge and let you get on with your week, here's a forklift safety video from Germany that was shown to me by my pal Kris Silva. It's all in German, but you can get the general idea. But watch it. Trust me. It's worth it...

And now...I'm outta here!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco