April 26, 2017

Forbidden Planet

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Once again, Derek has pulled the guys back from the abyss of nearly unwatchable movies, and after having to endure the awful Karate Kid III last week, they needed the palate cleanser that is 1953's Forbidden Planet, starring Walter Pidgeon, Anne Francis, Leslie Nielsen, and a bunch of other white guys in grey pantsuits. Oh, and it also stars a relative of the B-9 robot from Lost In Space, Robbie the Robot.

The Future!
Good news, everyone! It's The Future!!! The 22nd Century, in fact. And not only has man achieved interstellar space travel, but he has colonized other planets! Including the distant world of Altaire IV, the destination of United Planets cruiser C57D, where they are going to relieve the crew of the Bellerophon expedition, which landed there twenty years ago.

When they reach the planet and attempt to make contact, they are greeted by a crotchety old man, Dr. Morbius (Walter Pidgeon), who tells them everything is fine and they should just go away and leave him alone. The ship's commander, Commander Adams (Leslie Nielsen), is having no part of that, and he insists that they land and have a look around the place, just to make sure everything's okay. Morbius reluctantly agrees and gives them coordinates where they can land their ship.

"And where can I put my weiner in this thing?"
Once they land, they are greeted by Robbie, a large, clunky robot who reminds some people (not naming names...yet; this is how we build suspense) of the Michelin Man. He takes them to see Morbius. Adams takes the ship's doctor, Lieutenant Ostro (Warren Stevens), along with him in case anybody from the Bellerophon needs medical treatment or folksy advice.

When they arrive at Morbius' residence, they find only him. When they question him about it, he explains that something killed almost the entire crew, except for him and his wife, who died later of natural causes, and then it never came back. Naturally suspicious, Adams insists that he and his crew hang around for a bit to make sure there's nothing sketchy going on. This decision is immediately thought to be the best idea ever when Morbius' daughter, Altaira (Anne Francis) makes an appearance, looking young, vibrant, and leggy. This being the 1953 version of The Future!!!, every single male who comes in contact with her suddenly becomes a drooling horndog that wants to smash their gross, sweaty naughty bits against her innocent, virginal naughty bits.

After reeling in Dr. Ostro, Adams very strongly insists they stay to make sure whatever killed the rest of the Bellerophon's crew is truly gone. Much to the disappointment of Morbius, Adams says that building the weapons and radar they need to search the whole planet would involve taking apart most of their ship. Hoping to move things along a little faster, Morbius offers up Robbie's services as a fabricator to help make up some of the materials they need. He then gives them a tour of an alien laboratory built into the core of the planet, and explains that there is a computer that he is trying to learn to work. You know, like you do with mysterious alien technology. Everything will probably be just fine.

While delivering some of the shielding they need the next day, Robbie meets Cookie (Earl Holliman), the ship's cook, who immediately devises a plan to have Robbie make some booze for him. Robbie, wanting to be helpful, offers to make up 60 gallons, and Cookie quietly soils himself with joy.

"And where can I put my weiner in this thing?"
At the same time, one of the other crewmen (possibly Richard Anderson...?) is hanging out in the woods, trying to convince Altaira that what she really needs is for him to try and ram his tongue down her throat, which he does, only to be given the weenie-shrinking response that it's not doing anything for her. Before he can further attempt to molest her and leave her for dead in the forest, Commander Adams catches them and lectures Altaira about going around lookin' all woman-y. Suitably angered and, just possibly, aroused, she storms back to the house and insists Robbie make her what sounds like a burka, judging by her description.

Meanwhile, Adams and his crew test out the new weapons they built by shooting some defenseless rocks. Cookie goes to meet Robbie and pick up his order, and when he returns, something follows him, sneaking on to the ship and killing one of the crewmen. Adams, somewhat upset by this, insists that a perimeter fence is built so they will have some kind of warning if it happens again.

Cookie ends up dead, and this time, the something tries to break through the perimeter, causing the fences to shock it while Adams and his crew ineffectually shoot at it. It doesn't hurt the creature, but it does cause it to go away after killing a few more crew members. Adams decides he needs to check on Morbius and Altaira, and he once again takes the doctor along for the ride.

It is not a small , like they first believed.
When they arrive, Robbie won't let them in, but Altaira overrides her father's order. She leads them to his study, where he finds them looking through his papers. Just then, the critter appears and starts destroying the house, so they take refuge in the lab, leaving poor Robbie to have to deal with whatever it is that is trying to eat all of them.

Will our intrepid crew survive? Will Robbie defeat the monster? Will Adams just give in and admit that he wants to bump uglies with Altaira, just like the rest of his men do? And what is Morbius hiding? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek picked this one, because he felt the other guys were starting to think he only liked garbage movies. This is definitely not one of those. He will fight anyone who claims otherwise, as well as anyone who disparages Robbie. He says so over and over.

Jake was prepared to hate-fuck this movie into oblivion, having never seen it before. But he was pleasantly surprised to find himself enjoying it, despite Morbius' decidedly handsy approach to his own daughter. That dude has some issues. Jake wants a reboot. He is wrong.

Larry was also pleasantly surprised by the quality ofthe film, especially considering how old it is. He's also disturbed by the affection Morbius projects toward his daughter, but he is more upset by Robbie's design, believing the robot looks like the Michelin man. (See?) He also wants a reboot. He is also wrong.

So get your pantsuit, load up your "Pew-pew-pew" gun, and check out this week's episode!

April 24, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Well, we made it through Easter without Zombie Jesus eating our brains, so I figured it would be a good idea to make another list. And get this: I'm using GIFs from the hilariously funny Swear Trek Tumblr page. If you like Star Trek, check it out.

Sensors indicate hilarity!
Last week, liever every single week since he lied his way through the oath of office, Angry Orange has had a bad week. For Easter, the traditional White House Easter Egg Roll took place, despite what I am sure was his complete and utter displeasure. Oh and the couldn't bring any celebrities in to entertain the kids, as presidents in the past have. Instead, kids got to meet the White House staff, with bleached-blonde spokesgoblin Kellyanne Conway taking time away from guarding her bridge so she could frighten children on a more individual basis. But most disturbing was the creepy Easter Bunny that was shown hanging with Angry Orange and his wife.


And speaking of disturbing White House visitors, insane cat lady Sarah Palin showed up with anthropomorphic Confederate flag/double-wide trailer hybrid Kid Rock and draft-dodging pants-filler Ted Nugent. Presumably, they were there to help Melania decide on wallpaper samples for the private residence once she and little Barron hop in their gold-plated, bald eagle head-lined limo and move in with daddy.

It looks like a pile of camouflage and failure, covered in a fine mist of Axe Body Spray.

And now, as we cruise toward the first 100 days of Angry Orange's attempt to destroy the country and possibly kill everybody in it, his list of accomplishments is looking less full than even his inaugural audience.

However, he continues to argue that he's getting shit done, but nobody knew how hard this job would be!

Stay strong, you big orange asshat! If we're lucky, you'll be impeached before you hit 200 days...

We now go to the White House for a Healthcare Update...
In other news that will make Angry Orange cry, angry screaming grandpa Bill O'Reilly has been given the boot from Fox News. Turns out that causing your bosses to pay out millions of dollars in what is, essentially, hush money because you can't stop pawing the help is a bad career move.

The week before last, Bill-do Baggins went on "vacation" while this was being straightened out, insisting he would be back, as did the network. A few days later, in the face of advertisers running away as fast as they could, Fox decided it just wasn't worth it to keep him. Good riddance, you screamy shit bucket.

Right there with you, Bones.
As for myself, well...I had questions.

And I also acknowledged 4/20, a "holiday" for fans of herbal entertainment, although I don't partake myself.

Fun side note: When I posted this same comment on Facebook, I immediately got a response from some person I don't even know, who defended his use of pot, thereby proving my point.

There it is...
Here's the thing: I have no problem with people who use pot. I look at it the same way I look at religion; if it works for you, have at it. But I'm not interested. And, for the most part, people accept that. However, a random scroll around Twitter will show you thousands of people who enjoy pot, and feel they have to announce it as loudly and widely as possible. Nobody cares. Enjoy your pot, but there's no need to tell me about it. There should be a name for those people.

Yeah, that's them.
And then there were tweets! The folks on Twitter were, as usual, rocking the funny in a big way. Let's have a look, shall we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to help it along, here's Harry Potter rapping.

But, Harry...What about Voldemort?

Ah, dang it.
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 19, 2017

Karate Kid III

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(A Note From Derek: With it being Easter weekend, there was always the possibility that someone wouldn't be able to do the show. Up until Easter Sunday, we all thought we were good to go. However, Jake ended up not making it because of family obligations, so it was just Larry and myself this time around. And I know we had agreed that we would watch a Jackie Chan film if one of the guys couldn't make it, but it was short notice, and I wanted to get this flick out of the way, so we went ahead and watched the planned movie.)

The third movie in trilogies is almost always a grab bag situation. Take the Star Wars trilogies, for instance. Sure, Revenge of the Sith was the best of the prequels, but that's not really a high bar to reach. Whereas, Return of the Jedi, the third in the original trilogy, while a pretty good film, was hampered by ridiculous, murderous teddy bears. Then there's the third film in the Godfather trilogy. It is a turd, wrapped in burnt hair, surrounded by awfulness.

And Thai Chi.
This week's movie, Karate Kid III, falls firmly into that last category. Let's recap, shall we?

In the original film, Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio) moves to California from New Jersey, and he is being picked on by a gang from the local karate school, Cobra Kai. The maintenance man at the apartment complex where Daniel lives, Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita), helps Daniel learn karate to defend himself, entering him in the All-Valley Karate Tournament so he can fight the Cobra Kai guys and somehow earn their respect...? Anyway, he wins.

Sewing the seeds of his own demise.
In the second movie, which starts right where the first one left off, Miyagi and Daniel see the Cobra Kai teacher, John Kreese (Martin Kove), assaulting his students because they lost, and Miyagi saves their bacon, leaving Kreese with bloodied hands and a deep sense of shame. They they go to Japan to see Miyagi's father before he dies, and they end up saving a fishing village from Miyagi's former best friend, Sato, as well as a typhoon, for some reason. Daniel fights Sato's nephew and wins.

This movie takes up just before Daniel and Miyagi return from Japan. Kreese, having shown himself to be a colossal asshole, has lost all of his students, his bills are piling up, and he is ready to call it quits. When he stops by his army buddy Terry Silver's (Thomas Ian Griffith) mansion to drop off the keys to the dojo, Silver, who owns the place, says all Kreese needs is a vacation in Tahiti and ships him off with a promise that this LaRusso kid and his teacher will pay for what they did. (What they did was win, fair-and-square, and show Kreese to be the utter dick bucket we all knew he was, so it's obvious that they need to be made to suffer.)

As Kreese is leaving, Daniel and Miyagi are returning home, only to find that their apartment complex has been sold, and Daniel's mother is back in New Jersey to take care of her ailing uncle. Miyagi lets Daniel stay at his house so Daniel can start college while Mrs. LaRusso is away. Daniel, ever the idiot, spends his college tuition to lease a shithole building so Miyagi can start a bonsai store called "Mr. Miyagi's Little Trees".

Everything wrong with this movie
in one shot.
Let that sink in for a second, won't you? In the first movie, Daniel fought for his own honor. In the second, he fought for his friend Mr. Miyagi's honor. In this one, he opens a specialty store that has little to no chance of turning a profit...er, for his honor...?

Like the other movies, Daniel has a love interest--in this case, the young lady who runs the pottery store across from thier bonsai store. Her name is Jessica (Robyn Lively), and she is the most 80s-looking female in the whole wide world. However, he doesn't have a chance to ruin this relationship because she already has a boyfriend, and she cockblocks him almost immediately. It's for the best, really.

The closest he gets to a hug.
Once the whole bonsai store story is established, we move on to the whole Kreese thing, which has been treated as a subplot up to this point. Terry Silver first dresses up like a not-so-well-off former army buddy of Kreese, whom he tells Miyagi and Daniel committed suicide due to the shame brought on by losing the tournament the year before and the embarrassment of being caught showing everyone what a jerk he really was. They believe him instantly, and then go back to getting the shop ready to open.

Silver, meanwhile, hires Karate Bad Boy Mike Barnes (Sean Kanan) to pick fights with Daniel and convince him to enter into this year's All-Valley Karate Tournament. He also assigns a pair of goons, including the director's son (Jonathan Avildsen, who looks like a pudgy Sean Astin as Snake), to help. They show up at the bonsai shop and demand Daniel sign-up, then break some stuff. Then they show up again, beat up Daniel and Jessica, and then get a serious beatdown when Miyagi shows up. But that doesn't stop them from doing donuts in front of the store and taunting our heroes.

Karate Bad Boys!
The rest is just an ongoing tedious argument between Daniel, who wants to join the tournament, and Miiyagi, who says that he didn't teach Daniel karate to compete, but to defend himself, which seems reasonable. Daniel, however, is having none of that, and, when Silver's paid thugs steal all of the bonsai trees that had been prepared for the store and then almost destroy one that Miyagi had brought with him from Japan when he first came to the U.S., he signs up for the tournament. He then goes to Silver, who offered to help him train if Miyagi wouldn't.

Thus, we get to the heart of Sliver's plan, which is to make Daniel hurt himself a lot. "Make his knuckles bleed," was what Kreese requested, and that's what Silver plans to do...

This led to an argument...
Which led to a written apology.
Will Daniel see through the pointless, uncalled for, and ridiculous plan of Kreese and Silver? Or will he need Miyagi to, once again, pull his fat out of the fire? Will Daniel defend his title against Karate Bad Boy Mike Barnes? AND WHAT ABOUT THE BONSAI STORE? WHAT HAPPENS TO THE BONSAI STORE? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Who gives a shit?
Larry picked this one, despite knowing how awful it was. He was bothered by the fact that Jessica tucked her jeans into her socks, and was somewhat disappointed that there was no Ghost-like pottery scene. He also thinks it's funny that Karate Bad Boy Mike Barnes is called a Karate Bad Boy. The guy just isn't all that intimidating. He does, however, enjoy Terry Silver's over-the-top evil. It's almost cartoonish.

Derek hated it. All of it. Sure, Silver is evil (his company is called DynaTox, for crying out loud!), but why would he suspend all of his business activities just to have some kid kick the shit out of another kid? Also, could Daniel be more of a whiny punk? Every single problem this kid has is his own fault, and he deserves a beating. Miyagi is the single voice of reason in this film, and even he sees how pointless it all is, which is why he spends most of his time in the bonsai shop.

So put on your gi, bow to your sensei, and listen to this week's episode!

April 17, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody! I hope all of you had an awesome Easter. Myself, I spent a good chunk of the day playing video games, and then recorded a hilarious new episode of Here Be Spoilers with Larry. (Jake couldn't make it because he was doing the dinner thing with his girlfriend and her kids.) You're not going to want to miss that one.

Also, this week's GIFs involve MORTAL KOMBAT!


Anyway, it's been an incredibly stressful week, largely because half-rotted pumpkin covered in hair Donald Trump has a rage boner to blow shit up, and he jerked-off hard on Afghanistan last week by dropping a MOAB bomb--the largest non-nuclear bomb in the US's arsenal--to ostensibly destroy a bunch of ISIS tunnels. But, really, I think it's a safe bet to assume that it was the only way he could achieve an erection, and Melania was supposed to come to Washington to host the annual Easter Egg Hunt, so...

Either way, someone's getting shot in the face.
But I'm not going to talk about that chunk of hard, spoiled cheese. Instead, I'm going to talk about other stuff. F'rinstance, a doctor was beaten and dragged off a United Airlines flight last week, in what could have been the worst public relations screw-up since the Pepsi commercial from a day or two earlier.

But it was quickly overshadowed when White House spokesidiot Sean Spicer said that Hitler didn't use poison to kill people...in the "Holocaust Camps"...Holy shit.

Here's a dramatic representation of that press conference. Guess which one is Spicer.
Completely unrelated, 14 new episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 were released into the wild by Netflix this past Friday, and the response has been very positive. (I haven't had a chance to watch yet, but I intend to start on them tonight.)

I really hope Netflix will greenlight more episodes. That would be the kind of awesome you don't get often enough.

Tim Burton's darker, more gritty Edward Scissorhands is gonna be so RAD!
And then there was my week...These pretty much cover it:

So, as I'm sure you're all aware, my life is a rich cornucopia,

Not "dance contest" rich, but pretty good.
But then there were the tweets....The tweets that keep us coming back here, week after week, and, as usual, I've got a fun little pile of them to cram into your eyeholes. If you dig 'em, go follow these folks on Twitter. If you don't like 'em, you're wrong. Now let's look at them, shall we?

And there you have it!

Breakin' 2: Mortal Boogaloo
Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to get you moving along, here's Melissa McCarthy as Spicer again from this past week's SNL.

Now I'm outta here!

So long, suckas!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 12, 2017

The House on Haunted Hill (1999)

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(A Note From Derek: We got our hands on some new equipment this week, and we're still working with it to get the best sound we can. Naturally, there may be a few teething problems, so please be patient while we get these newfangled doohickeys working right. Thanks!)

This week, the guys decided to look at a re-make make of a Vincent Price classic. But don't let the fact that Price is not in it deter you from watching it.

That's what Chris Kattan is for!
It stars Geoffrey Rush, who, despite an excessively over-spelled name, manages to deliver the kind of performance that can make you believe that he will one day play pirate second-banana to Johnny Depp. (But, you know, in a good way.) It also has Famke Janssen, Ali Larter, Taye Diggs, Jeffrey "Reasonably Spelled Name" Combs, Peter Gallagher and his eyebrows, Bridgette Wilson, and, as noted above, Chris Kattan. There are also bonus appearances by the guy who played Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (James Marsten), Peter "I'm Peter Graves" Graves, and the perpetually adorable Lisa Loeb!

But, for the most part, you're stuck with these guys.
Waaaaaay back in 1931, there was an insane asylum on a huge cliff face, where a deranged doctor (Combs) experimented on his patients in the creepiest and grossest ways possible...until the patients had enough and revolted against him and his staff, killing them all.

And it's all Dr. David Arquette's fault.
But forget about that for now, because Stephen Price is opening a new amusement park ride and throwing a birthday/murder party for his wife, Evelyn (Janssen)! And she's down for it because she wants the "murder" part to be his! What we're saying is, their marriage is not on the most stable of grounds. And things go from bad to worse when, after the party guest list is mysteriously changed, a whole bunch of people neither of them know show up to see what the heck this nutjob wants with them.

Maybe he needs help with his Jazz Hands, because he just can't get it right.
Among the mysterious party guests is Watson Pritchett (Kattan), who owns the house Price and his wife live in. He is unsure what's going on, but he's really not keen on taking part in whatever it is. Also, there's Nora Manning (Larter), Lance Schroeder (Diggs), Dr. David Trent (Gallagher and his eyebrows), and Ruth Bridgers (Wilson). While they spend a lot of time arguing over why they are there, Evelyn tries to shoot Price, and the house mysteriously locks them all in.

Even Dr. Trent's eyebrows can't save them now!
Pritchett tells everyone that the house is going to kill them all, and he slowly, throughout the entire movie, explains why: This house...is the asylum from the beginning of the movie! We know--shocking, right? But Price isn't going to worry about that, because he has an offer for him guests, and he informs them that, if they can manage to stay in the house for the whole night, each of them will get a cashier's check for one million dollars. And if anybody dies or leaves, their share will be divided among those remaining. See? It's fun! And no reason at all for anybody to consider killing the others in order to take home a bigger chunk of the money!

But Evelyn wants all the money. As well as a little bit of murder.
What follows is a lot of bickering, some light murder, and more bickering. But when people start actually disappearing ("because the house is doing it," according to Pritchett), the arguments sort of slow down long enough to try finding them, as well as a way out of this place. Along the way, we learn that not everyone here is whom they appear to be. In particular, Nora reveals to Lance that she's not exactly the studio executive she claimed to be, but rather that executive's assistant who was recently fired. Then she is almost dragged to her death in a big ol' tub full of blood. (Well, where else would you keep it?)

Somehow, Evelyn ends up strapped to a table and electrocuted. The others force price into this weird chamber where he has to watch a cinematograph of what looks like John Cleese playing basketball in a tuxedo while the lights strobe. This was designed by the crazy doctor at the beginning, who believed that if this sort of thing could drive a sane man crazy, it totally had to work the other way, right? Anyway, he's locked in, and the others go off looking for an exit again.

Except for Eyebrows, who goes to Evelyn's corpse, still on the table, and starts groping it, kissing it, and giving it injections in its hoo-ha, which is not, as far as we know, the way you're supposed to prepare a corpse. But we're not doctors, so...

Well, it seems to work because, surprise! Evelyn's not dead! Dr. Eyebrows gave her Atropine to make everyone think she was dead, because they are both terrible people who do terrible things. Case in point: Feeling that her (fake) death was not enough to turn everyone against Price, she decides that murdering Dr. Eyebrows would be just right, so she does.

But we have to wonder...Will her plan to murder Price work? What about his plan to murder her? Will anyone find Nora? Or will it all be thrown out the window for a ridiculous "Tittie Smoke Monster" (a term coined by Jake)?

Did you really have to wonder?
you'll have to tune in to find out what happens next!

Jake has a deep love of this film. Although it is absurd, it captures the spirit of the original, and Geoffrey Rush's attempt at being Vincent Price is absolutely amazing. He does, however, not care for the CGI, which can best be described as "like The Matrix (which came out the same year), but not!"

Larry also likes this film unnaturally. His intense dislike of Chris Kattan, however, can only be described as "exactly like any right-thinking person would feel." For him, the CGI was also not very good at all, although it didn't take him out of the film like it did in Below, mostly because there was more gore.

Derek is all over the map on this one. While he didn't care for most of the movie, he felt the only problem with the CGI was that it lacked dimension. As for Chris Kattan...While he agrees that Kattan is an awful human being who should never be allowed to utter words in front of a camera ever, he also gave the most realistic performance. Weird.

So put on your straightjacket, strap on your murderin' shoes, and tune in to this week's episode!

April 10, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

And we're back! not from anywhere specific; just generally back.

And it's been another long and and occasionally upsetting week, what with Angry Orange driving us toward World War III and all, but there's also been some funny stuff. And it will all be presented with animated GIFs of weird Japanese stuff, and no captions from me. Like this one:

Japan is fucking weird...But entertaining!


First up, we lost a comedy legend last week. Don Rickles, known as "Mr. Warmth", passed away last week at the age of 90. Rickles was known for his quick-witted roasting skills, and was a big influence with a lot of well-known comics. He had a heck of a life, and will be missed.

Rest In Peace, you hockey puck.
And, for you younger folks, he was Mr. Potato Head in the Toy Story movies.

Pepsi last week released a new commercial that was...let's say it was incredibly insensitive toward Black Lives Matter, among other things ("Racial tension? Have a Pepsi, officer!"), and it didn't go over too well, as you might imagine. But it did bring out the funny.

Fortunately, Pepsi took the hint and pulled the commercial.

Singer/songwriter Barry Manilow announced this past week that he is gay. Despite nobody really saying much about it over the past...forever years, he decided it was time to come out and let the world know that he's been married to his partner for a good long time.

However, I can't help but wonder why it needed to be announced as news. I mean, good for him and his partner and all, but this "news" doesn't change the fact that he is an immensely talented performer that has been doing what he does for what seems like hundreds of years. Good for you, Barry. Now get out there and continue to do what you do.

As for my week, it was pretty normal. For me, anyway. While listening to some old CDs (for you young'uns, those are what MP3s are before you find them on a torrenting site), I ran across a song that questions the mishandling and improper placement of rural itinerant animal handlers.

I first posted something about this five or six years ago (because you all know how I like to be topical), and have mentioned it occasionally since then. Not once has Paula Cole responded. Even a "hey, that joke sucked" would have been appreciated. But, alas, nothing.

Another thing that happened was, while cruising around on the interwebs, as I am wont to do, I stopped over at Yahoo Answers, an activity I would highly recommend in moderation, to see what weirdness or silliness I could find.

Mom was lucky...Of course, I could also add that she never saw Craigslist, either. Thank gawd...

And then there were tweets...And I grabbed a handful to sprinkle liberally around the place for you to point and laugh at, but in a good way. Let's have a look, in no particular order...

And there you have it!

Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to help you along, here's a shiny new Bad Lip Reading, featuring Mark Hamill!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 5, 2017

X: The Man with X-Ray Eyes

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And, once again, we find ourselves looking another movie right in the piehole...

This week, however, it wasn't such a chore. Derek chose the 1963 Roger Corman classic starring Ray Milland, X: The Man with X-Ray Eyes.

Milland is Dr. James Xavier, a scientists whose weird obsession with eyes has moved into his work, and he is working on developing a serum that will allow humans to use all of the available spectrum, instead of the limited "most of the available spectrum" that has clearly held humans back for so long.

Yeah, that's...that's way better.
While working on his serum, he is introduced to a new colleague, Dr. Diane Fairfax (Diana Van der Vlis), who will help him retain funding from the foundation for which he works. In order to impress her, he forces some drops into a monkey's eyes so it can see through things. (No, really. That's his plan.)

This...does not feel like the kind of thing that should be done.
He then tosses the monkey in a cage and puts a stack of cards in front of it, and the monkey, which has been trained to turn lights on that correspond to the color it see, turns on the lights in the correct order he stacked them before putting it in a black sleeve at the front of the cage.

Bright lights confound her, but delight him.
Convinced that his serum works, despite the annoying little detail that it causes the monkey's heart to fail, possibly because of what it saw, Xavier decides that human trials need to happen, but his other coworker, Dr. Sam Brant (Harold J. Stone), feels that maybe "a little monkey death" is a good enough reason to put human trials on hold. Undaunted, Xavier decides to apply the drops to himself.

Instantly, he starts seeing things no human should see...The invisible spectrum...the insides of people. It's really kind of trippy. But then he passes out and has to be taken to the hospital, so Diane has to meet with the board to secure further funding.

Unfortunately, the board is not keen on allowing further research in this field, and they fire Xavier, who goes back to being a regular old medical doctor.

Somewhere in there, this happens. And it's more
upsetting than anything else in the movie.
His first move once he's back at a hospital is to argue with another doctor (John Hoyt) about that doctor's prognosis of a young patient, and when the doctor disagrees with him, Xavier feels he has no other choice than to cut that guy with a scalpel to keep him from doing bad surgery.

Meanwhile, Xavier continues to administer the drops to his own eyes, despite its inconsistency, and Dr. Sam and Dr. Diane are against him continuing. When Sam confronts him, Xavier sort of pushes him out a window to his death.

Diane gets Xavier out of town, and he goes off to join the circus for some reason, where he becomes a "fortune teller". He does this by reading cards people fill out through the weird, Karate Kid-style headband he wears. Most people are convinced it's some sort of scam, but the guy who runs the show, Crane (played with pure creepy awesomeness by Don Rickles), believes him, and offers a new sort of business plan to Xavier: Become a fake sort of doctor who can tell people what's wrong with them. Don't charge, but ask for donations of anything they can afford.

I said NO proctology exams!
All is going well until Diane finds Xavier again, and when she goes tos ee him, Crane overhears and realizes who Xavier is. He threatens Xavier, who is still wanted for the accidental murder of Sam, with turning him over to the police. Xavier, whose only move appears to just be a lot of shoving, acts out against Crane, and he and Diane get out of town.

Now the plan is to go to Las Vegas, hit the casinos, clean them out by reading the cards, and then...we dunno...fucking off to somewhere warm but dark, so it doesn't hurt his eyes. Unfortunately, the plan goes right down the crapper when Xavier, who can't keep his goddamn mouth shut, reveals to everyone, including a cop and the pit boss at the casino, how he is cleaning them out. When the cop moves to detain him, Xavier hits him with a very small handful of money, and runs. He steals a car, leaving Diane behind, and heads toward California...

What would make you think I'm cheating?
Will he make it? Will he be able to make more of the serum? Will Diane ever find a hairstyle that doesn't accentuate her giant forehead? Will Crane realize his dream of being a skeevy, even dirtier scumbag? Tune in to find out!

Derek was pleased that, despite not having seen this film in over twenty years, it was just as fun and entertaining as the first time around. He is, however, very disturbed by Ray Milland's dancing.

Larry was super excited to see this, and was not disappointed. Oh, sure, he giggled at Ray's dancing, too, but otherwise he enjoyed it. He also has plans for a reboot cast that would be awesome.

Jake also had not seen this, and was duly surprised at how good it was. Oh, sure there were some goofy parts with overly flowery dialogue, but it was worth it.

So put on your shades, put in your eyedrops, and listen to this week's episode!