January 27, 2016

Night of the Comet

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Well! They guys had a special guest this week: Jake's brother Roy Streeter! And he got to pick this week's movie, a movie so stuffed-to-bursting with 80s kitsch: 1984's Night of the Comet!

This photo literally sums up the entire movie. Everything.
Katherine Mary Stewart is Reg, a 30-year-old teenager who works at a movie theater and has sex in the projection booth with an incredibly unlikeable turd named Larry. (Michael Bowen)

As the movie begins, a mysterious comet (SPOILERS: It's the one that this is, in fact, the night of) is passing by the Earth, and people everywhere are celebrating because there weren't as many cable channels in 1984 as there are now, and people had to find shit to do.

Given a choice of this as entertainment, we'll take death, please.
Reg, having just had more sex with festing ingrown toe of a person Larry, wakes up to find,,,nobody! Except, of course, Larry. Fortunately, one of the zombies from Land of the Dead shows up and takes care of that little problem quite neatly.

Heading home to find out where everybody might be, Reg doesn't see anyone, instead finding piles of clothes filled with some kind of red sand. At least until she gets inside her house, where she finds her "younger" sister, Samantha (Kelli Maroney), completely oblivious to the fact that they appear to be the only people left alive. Once Reg convinces her that something sketchy is going on, they decide to head to the local radio station, which appears to still be broadcasting, despite what has happened.

There, they meet Eric Estrada simulacrum Hector (Star Trek: Voyager's Robert "Chakotay" Beltran), who is also trying to find out what happened while also trying to hypnotize Reg into getting all naked on him by making sure his excessively tight pants are properly highlighted to show off his crotch.

I have to wear these sunglasses to avoid the glare of light from my package...
While Hector is trying to convince Reg that they should go looking for other survivors, Samantha splits her time at the radio station between broadcasting her new rules for society and having zombie rape dreams. She's an odd kid, but we suppose that's the sort of thing that happens when you're a high school junior in your mid-thirties and the rest of the population has disappeared.

A group of scientists happen to hear Samantha's broadcast, and plans are made to collect her and her companions, bring them back to the scientists' hidden fortress, and drain them of blood to create a serum that will cure everybody. (Or, at least, everybody at the hidden fortress, being as they kinda screwed up and left the air vents open while the comet was passing by, allowing whatever it was that turned everyone else into dust to get into the ventilation system.)

WHO YOU GONNA CALL? Not these guys. They're kinda stupid.
Hector tries to find help, while Reg and Samantha head to the mall! Because, as middle-aged teens in the mid-eighties, th' hell else are they gonna do? Unfortunately, a group of former stockboys have taken control of the mall, and are now dressed like the band Depeche Mode and armed like the cast of The Matrix. Only the scientists' crack squad of guys-who-know-how-to-work-guns-better-than-your-average-stockboys are able to save Reg and Samantha from certain doom at the hands of the members of Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark! (If you don't know who OMD are, learn yourself some 80's trivia. And look up the songs "Enola Gay" and "If You Leave". You're welcome.)

Anyway, the scientists determine that while Reg is safe, Samantha is infected with whatever it is that is turning people into red dust, so they leave her there. But the female scientist, White (Mary Waronov), appears to know Hector, and there seems to be something sketchy going on there, although details are not completely clear. She gives Samantha an injection that will allow her to die peacefully. OR DOES SHE?!

No. No she doesn't. Instead, she kills one of the other scientists, then herself, allowing Hector to scoop up Samantha and go rescue Reg, who is being interrogated by Clint Eastwood's brother from Every Which Way But Loose, Geoffrey Lewis. There are also two small children there.

Hector's plan involves convincing a guard to have sex with supposed teenager Samantha while she in unconscious, then closing his head in a car trunk before he can get any action. Surprisingly, it works. Who would've guessed?

It also involves Hector dressing up as a cowboy, for some reason.
Do they all escape? Does anyone figure out what happened to the rest of the world? Who are the kids? Why are there so many shots of Hector that involve his junk being lovingly lit?! Tune it to find out! Or not! Who really cares at this point?

Derek hated everything about this movie. Everything. He's also upset about Hector's pants. He has nothing more to add and wishes to move on to next week's movie.

Larry enjoyed watching Samantha and Reg dancing during the "shopping" montage, largely because they jumped up and down a lot. The rest of the movie was soon forgotten.

Jake was impressed by the fact that the movie made so much money, despite the tiny budget. Especially since, to his eye, there was almost nothing redeeming about this film at all.

Roy also hated the movie, despite (or perhaps because) the fact that he chose it. He liked the car that Hector drove. So there's that, right? RIGHT?

There's also a new theory about who Snoke is in The Lobby, a terrible choice Coming Soon, a lot of lists in Larry's List, Jake-ing Off all over last year's video games, and a bunch of retro games Inside My Head!
So, like, totally get your guns and skinny tie, and give this week's episode a listen!

January 25, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Okay...I think we're making progress. This past week, we lost Eagles member Glenn Frey, but he was the only one that I'm aware of. So that's a step in the right direction. However, I think we've at least hit our six-month limit on celebrities, if not the whole year, so let's go easy on them for a bit, shall we?

Now let's look at some of last week's news...

Oh, no you di'in't!
The Oscar nominations were announced last week, and just about everyone on Earth noticed how snowy white all the nominees were. Surprisingly, the Academy has already put plans into action to ensure diversity in the future, which is great and all, but why did it take this long?

Moving on...

Speaking of celebrating the shallow and overpaid, Sarah Palin announced her endorsement of Donald Trump for president. Twitter was, as some might expect, somewhat amused by this.

And Tina Fey made a visit to Saturday Night Live to class the joint up a bit.

Man, I love Tina Fey.

We all do, sport...We all do.
Oh, and in case nobody told you, there may be a new planet out there, cruising along the edge of our solar system. Cool, huh?

Now, I say "may be" because nobody has managed to view it directly yet. However, the data that's been collected on object that appear to be following and orbiting it could most certainly point to another planet out there.

The superhero community was shocked.
Back here on Earth, people on Twitter were funny! (Who would've guessed, right?) So what say we take a look at some of them, in no particular order?

And there you have it! Now go out there and have an awesome week, will ya? I'll be over here, editing this week's Here Be Spoilers, which features a terrible movie and a special guest! Until I can get that up, enjoy a song that exists, apparently. It's the Village People singing about phone sex! And it's from 1985!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

January 20, 2016

Strange Brew

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G'day, eh! And welcome to Here Be Spoilers! Our topic today is, uh, a movie that challenges the sensibilities of the average moviegoing consumer by confronting them with outrageously overblown stereotypes about Canadians.

Nah, we're just messin' with ya. Sunday was Jake's birthday, and to celebrate, he chose Strange Brew for the guys to watch! In it, Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas give the most accurate portrayals of a couple of beer-swilling, hockey-loving, toque-wearing, donut-eating Canadians ever to explode across the screen. They play Bob and Doug McKenzie, a pair of dumb brothers who use a mouse that they put in a beer bottle to get more free beer from a brewery.

Hey, Doug! They're talkin' about us, eh!
Along the way, they meet Pam Elsinore (Lynne Griffin) daughter of the brewery's recently deceased founder, and heiress to the business, unless, of course, the evil Brewmeister Smith (Max von Sydow) and Pam's uncle Claude (Paul Dooley) get their way.

Claud married Pam's mother, Gertrude (Jill Frappier), the day after her husband's funeral, in order to gain control of the brewery so that Smith can continue his experiments with mind control, which involves chemicals in the beer.

And it will still taste better than Bud Ice!
Bob and Doug, however, cause complications when, after saving Pam from electrocution, she gives them jobs, and they start poking around, completely unaware that they are doing anything wrong. They make friends with the lunatics at the nuthouse next door (most of whom work at the brewery as hockey players...This is never properly explained), including former professional hockey player Jean "Rosy" LaRose (Angus MacInnes), who immediately falls for Pan and her 80s hair the instant he sees her.

Smith and Claude formulate a plan to take Bob and Doug out of the picture by framing them for kidnapping Pam and Henry (Douglas Campbell), Pam's advisor and head of the factory. All goes well, and Bob and Doug end up going on trial and being put in the asylum, where they spend quality time together steamrolling each other (it's exactly what it sounds like) and taking turns trying out the electroshock machine.

And, as noted previously, playing hockey, Star Wars-style.
When Pam's dead father leads her and Henry to proof that Claude and Smith were responsible for his death, Bob and Doug are released from the looney bin and tasked with stopping a shipment of beer to the Oktoberfest celebration nearby.

They choose to enlist their dog, Hosehead, to save the day, sending him flying (literally) to the celebration to stop the beer from being distributed.

Their dog training techniques are...unconventional.
Will Hosehead make it in time to stop Smith and Claude's plan to rule the world--or at least that part of Ontario, Canada--with beer? Will Pam maintain control of the Elsinore Brewery? Could Max von Sydow's mouth possibly be any wider? Will Bob and Doug get free beer that is untainted not only by mind control drugs, but also urine? Will we, the viewers, ever manage to get the vision of Bob and Doug's parents having old people sex out of our brains?
You'll have to tune in to find out!

There's also a painfully long list of dead celebrities in The Lobby, a lot of movies Coming Soon, a twist on Larry's List, celebrity birthdays and deaths are the topic of Jake-ing Off, and there's a very long conversation about The X-files to celebrate the return of the show Inside My Head!

So grab some crullers, open up a two-four, put on your toque, and take off, eh!

January 18, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Okay, look...

I know what I said at the end of last year about everyone being a lot less murder-y seemed like it might me a tough one to do, but I'm happy to report that this has actually been moving in a positive direction. That's great. Let's keep at it and see if we can continue that trend.


Perhaps it's the way I worded it, or maybe there were some crossed wires in there somewhere, but it seems that the lack of murdery-ness has been replaced with taking some amazingly talented and legendary actors and musicians this year, and I'm hoping that you guys can put the same effort into seeing that this stops, if that's not too much to ask.

I mean, Lemmy Kilmeister, David Bowie, Alan Rickman (that one really hurt), Dan Haggerty...All over the course of one freaking week! At the very least, could we spread it around a bit to make it not such a shock?

Yeah, if you could just do that, that'd be great...

Anyway, it's been a week. There was another Republican debate. I don't know what happened, and I really don't care. All's I want to see from those guys is one final no-holds-barred cage match where everyone gets in there and throws down until there's only one left. Problem solved.

Also, President Obama gave his final State of the Union address, in which he spent most of the time cracking jokes at the expense of the people in Congress who have done exactly dick to help the people of this country for the last seven years.

Well, his people did say it was going to be different from the norm. Nobody was expecting a comedy roast, though.

And, of course, there were tweets. Lots and lots of tweets coming from the fine, funny folks at Twitter. By an amazing coincidence, I happened to grab a small pile of them to stick in your eyes, so what say we take a look at 'em, shall we?

In no particular order...

And there you have it! now get out there and have an awesome week! And to get it started, here's an SNL sketch featuring Adam Driver as his Kylo Ren character from Star Wars: The Force Awakens, appearing on Undercover Boss: Starkiller Base.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

January 13, 2016

Slap Shot

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It's January. And January means winter. And winter means hockey! So, with that in mind, the guys sat down to watch the 1977 Paul Newman classic, Slap Shot.

The Chiefs, a minor league team from Charlestown, Pennsylvania, are...not good. Attendance is low, the team is hated, the players are mediocre, and the general manager is constantly coming up with new and ridiculous ways to promote the games.

Not to mention exposure to poorly-chosen hairpieces and suits.
When the local mill closes, putting hundreds out of work, the team's owner (Kathryn Walker) announces that she is folding the team at the end of the season, player-coach Reg Dunlop (Paul Newman) decides that the only way to save the team is to "goon-it-up" -- more fights will equal bigger crowds. His star player, Ned Brayden (Michael Ontkean), refuses to go along with Reg's plan, however, and has his own problems to deal with, as his wife, Lily (Lindsay Crouse), hates Charlestown and wants to leave.

"Have you tried wearing a leather coat with a fur collar, Ned?"
When the general manager, Joe McGrath (Strother Martin), hires three brothers (Dave Hanson, Jeff Carlson, and Steve Carlson as Jack, Jeff, and Steve Hanson, respectively), Reg puts his plan into action, although he's not too keen on putting the Hansons in, due to their penchant for slot cars and beating up Coke machines. They do, however, eventually make their debut, and the crowd loves their straight-up hostile approach to hockey.

This was before "MMMBop" became such a big hit for them.
Hoping that it will motivate someone somewhere to put in a real bid for the team, Reg plants a story with sports reporter Dickie Dunn (M. Emmett Walsh) that there is a retirement community in Florida that wants to buy the Chiefs and move them to Fort Lauderdale.

As the crowds grow and the team gets more wins, Reg finds out who the owner is and even manages to get a meeting with her, which does not go well. She informs him that, while she probably could get a buyer for the team, it would be a better move, financially, for her to fold the team.

She'll save a fortune in hair care products alone!
There's also a subplot where Reg tries to reconcile (sort of) with his wife, Francine (Jennifer Warren), while trying to sleep with Lily, as well as any other woman who makes eye contact with him. Hey, what do you want? It's Paul fucking Newman!

When the Chiefs make it to the playoffs, Reg decides that his final game is going to be a clean one with no fighting. Unfortunately, their opponents, the Syracuse Bulldogs, have filled their roster with some of the worst, most violent players in the Federal League.

Will the Chiefs triumph by playing clean? Will Reg and Francine get back together? Will Brayden start paying more attention to his wife than his dog? Will Morris (Brad Sullivan) stop rubbing up against people and saying "snatch" a lot? Will Jack Hanson have to drink some of that stinkin' root beer? What about Denis Lemieux (Yves Barrette)? Also:

Why? Just why?
All this and more will be discussed!

There's also some vicious lashing-out at so-called Star Wars "fans" in The Lobby (as we as some spoilers...you have been warned), Hellboy teaming up with Ron Weasley in Coming Soon, some tough calls in Larry's List, a new segment from Jake called Jake-ing Off, and a tribute to Derek's mom in Inside My Head.
So lace up your skates, tape up your stick, and tune in to this week's episode!

January 12, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, guys! Have I got a bunch of stuff for you! And I know it's late, but I'm doing what I can...

Oh, that's okay...NOT!
Okay, okay! Jeez.

Anyway, it was a weird-ass week. First off, remember Cliven Bundy? The asshole rancher who caused an armed standoff against federal officers because he didn't want to pay grazing fees for his cattle? Yeah, well, the asshole doesn't fall far from the buttocks.

Bundy's son is currently holed-up with a bunch of guns (but a decided lack of snacks -- they're not very good planners, it seems) in a nature reserve in Oregon, because, as we all know, nature reserves are a shining symbol of the gub'mint's excessive overreach of something something something. Whatever.

Look; these guys are morons. And the government isn't exactly blowing us away with their lack of action. As has been pointed out numerous times on Twitter, if these guys were black, they'd have been shot dead before the takeover even made CNN.

In other news, the Powerball is currently standing at $1.4 billion. (Or, after taxes, $13.26) And the lottery insanity is in high gear.

Heck, I even bought a ticket! And I don't usually play the lottery! I JUST WANT TO BE A PART OF THING, OKAY?!?

And finally, Donald Trump probably said something stupid and then doubled down to make it even more offensive. Frankly, I'm sick of talking about the guy. So now I'm gonna stop doing that.

Anyhow, there were a bunch of awesomeness over on Twitter, and I happened to grab some of them to show you! Neat, right? Let's take a look at 'em, won't we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. (Although there is no reason for me to be smug about it. After all, I wasn't the one that wrote them.) Now get out there and have an awesome rest of the week! And to help it along, here's a disturbingly creepy video of Macaulay Culkin as a grown-up Kevin McCallister. I would also recommend you find the follow-up video, as well as the one done by Daniel Stern as Harry...Creepy...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

January 6, 2016


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Larry was told that his choice for the first movie of the year would be the one that sets the tone for the rest of this year's shows. After viewing this week's movie, we're now terrified to see what the rest of the year will bring...

This week, the guys sat down to watch the 1983 movie Hysterical, starring the Hudson Brothers (Bill, Mark, and Brett) comedy team. For those who don't remember them, they were three brothers who really flourished on a Saturday morning show wedged within ABC's plethora of cartoons in the late 70s and early 80s.

Featuring poor fashion choices and assorted "groovy" sets!
Bill plays Frederick Lansing, a world-famous writer of incredibly filthy novels. He wants to get away from the rough-and-tumble world of sitting quietly in his office and writing dirty books, so he changes his name and moves to a small town in Oregon called Hellview, where he plans to write "the Great American Novel".

Unfortunately, his plan is almost instantly derailed by a spirit called Venetia (Julie Newmar) that inhabits the old lighthouse he now calls home. She's trapped in there because she killed the lighthouse keeper, a huge man named Captain James Howdy. (Played by the equally huge Richard Kiel.)

Oh, Eegah...What happened to do this to you?
When Frederick (who now calls himself Casper Brown) falls in love with Kate (Cindy Pickett), the realtor who sold him the lighthouse, Venetia is not happy, and she called the reanimated corpse of Captain Howdy out of the sea to kill everybody and everything because, as we all know, Hell hath no fury like a former Catwoman scorned.

After investigating the body of Captain Howdy, Dr. John (Bud Cort) recommends sending for a couple of adventurer/scientists called Dr. Paul Batton (Mark Hudson) and Fritz (Brett Hudson) to research how Captain Howdy died and what might have brought him back.

We've got a bad feeling about this.
When Dr. Paul Batton and Fritz arrive, everything goes bad. Venetia sends Captain howdy on a rampage through town, turning everyone into zombies. (You can tell because they all wear turtleneck sweaters and say "What difference does it make" a lot. This is never explained.)

Even worse(?), Frederick/Casper is being harassed by Venetia, by way of slowly turning him into Captain Howdy, in order to get him to leave Kate or Kate to leave him.

As all this other stuff is happening, Ralph (Robert Donner), a local crazy person, spends his day riding around town, letting various people know that they are doomed. It's a service that has, sadly, died out lately.

Mork?! Is that you?! You're doomed!
To make a way too long story short, Captain Howdy kidnaps Kate, Frederick/Caster and Dr. Paul and Fritz chase him down, Ralph shows up with an army of more crazy people, there are musical numbers, and the viewer, if they are still watching, is left somewhat disappointed in the life choices they made.

Just like Charlie Callas...
Larry loves this movie with a passion which burns like the heat of a thousand suns. He feels it ranks right up there with Citizen Kane, Casablanca, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in its level of awesomeness.

Derek believes Larry is wrong. It wasn't a terrible movie -- certainly not as terrible as some of the others they have watched, but it just didn't hit the mark with him. But it had a pretty impressive cast for a $6 million movie!

Jake actually kind of enjoyed it. He felt there were some really good jokes hidden in among the straight-up goofiness that flowed so freely across the screen. He, too, was impressed with the cast, as well, despite having no idea who the Hudson Brothers were.

There's also a bunch of news in The Lobby (as well as more being mean to, and then defending, George Lucas), a few interesting choices Coming Soon, Larry's List, and a fun Inside My Head segment where the guys go through the movies they watched last year and talk about the fun bits.

So tune in for a groovy episode! And remember: You're all doomed!

January 4, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

Well, here we are...2016. Turns out 2015 let us down, if Back to the Future II was our measuring stick. No hoverboards, no time traveling DeLoreans, and no flying cars. Reality sucks. The closest thing we got to anything from Back to the Future II was Donald Trump as a very realistic Biff Tannen simulacrum.

Oh, hi, 2015! What are you doing h--...WHY?!?
There were too many horrible things to list that happened last year, not the least of which was this:

And how did we start out the new year? Lemmy Kilmeister died. A bunch of assholes with guns took over a nature center in Oregon. Donald Trump didn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight on December 31st. Again, reality sucks.

Happy New Year!
Myself, I started the new year by learning things I didn't want to know...

And finding new things I wanted to hear more about...

Overall, it's been a weird year already. Add tot his the fact that my girlfriend Tonya's cat, Jack, passed away last night. She'd had him for about 13 years, and she was there when he passed. He was a good cat, and I suspect that he thought he was a dog, which is why he and I got along so well. He'll be missed.

And, of course, there were tweets. So many tweets. In fact, I happen to have a list of them that I thought I might throw at your face!

No, dammit! Your face!
And, as always, if you dig what you read, by all means, come and join us over on the Twitter machine!

Now, in no particular order...

And there you have it! A good one to start the year on, I would say.

Bring it, 2016!
I do, however, want to throw a special shout out to a young lady who goes by the name @gaileyfrey on Twitter. She sat down recently with her husband, some wine, and a set of the original Star Wars trilogy, and, while viewing it for the first time, live-tweeted the whole thing. If you haven't checked it out, you should.

So go out there and have a great week, will ya? And to get you started, here's a clip I was sent by my pal Ryan Laughman!

Ralph McTell's 100 easy tunes for guitar by RyannStjohn
All the best,
Derek and Bosco