August 31, 2016

Twilight Zone: The Movie

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You are traveling in another dimension...A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A dimension whose inhabitants intentionally sit and watch movies that no sane person would consider viewing, although there is the occasional good movie thrown in to keep them balanced.

There's a signpost up ahead: Your next stop...Twilight Zone: The Movie.

Yes, after more than a year of trying to sit down and watch this movie, the guys finally got it together and did just that.

And boy howdy, what a flick! First off, you've got some straight-up amazing directors helming this anthology (Steven Spielberg, John Landis, Joe Dante, and George Miller), and then you throw is a very solid cast, base it on a popular and creepy old TV show, and you've got yourself a home run!

But throw in Albert Brooks, and you're looking at a triple, at best.
The movie begins with a short prologue starring Dan Aykroyd and Albert Brooks, a man determined to be the biggest asshole in the car because he keeps trying to scare Aykroyd by turning off the car's lights while they drive in the middle of the night. After a brief foray into a game of "Guess The Theme Song" that causes both men to reminisce about the old Twilight Zone TV series, Aykroyd turns talk back to being scared. Convincing Brooks to pull over--again, it should be noted that these two are out driving in the middle of the desert in the middle of the night--Aykroyd briefly transforms into what we believe Cher would look like without her makeup, and a lot of murdering occurs.

Gypsies, tramps and MURDER!!!
Which slingshots us to our first of four main stories.

Bill Connor (Vic Morrow) has just been turned down for a promotion at work, and is drowning his sorrows with a couple of friends (Doug McGrath and Charles Hallahan) at the local bar. It appears that part of Bill's therapeutic method involved being an astoundingly racist asshole. Among other things, he feels he was swindled out of the promotion by another coworker who happens to be Jewish.

Bill goes on to disparage that person, as well as just about anybody else who does not have the same skin tone he does, which draws the attention and ire of the other patrons in the bar, including Steven Williams, who appears to be relaxing between sending cryptic clues to Fox Mulder and bossing around those scallywags at 21 Jump Street.

Bill leaves the bar and immediately realizes he is not where he is supposed to be. In fact, he's not when he's supposed to be either.

How did I find Mel Gibson's garage?
This begins a series of quick Quantum Leap-style time jumps that see Bill moving from Nazi-occupied France, to the South during the 1950s, to Vietnam, to Nazi Germany, and in each location everyone who sees him believes him to be one of the race of people he offended in the beginning of the story; In France and Germany, he is  a Jew. In the South, he is an African-American (although that is really not the word the people who met him used). In Vietnam, he is a Vietnamese soldier who makes a very poor decision to run up to a group of American soldiers on patrol. And it is all seen through Bill's point of view, so the viewer never gets to see what Quantum Leap Bill looks like in those times.

It should be noted that Vic Morrow and two young extras were killed in a tragic accident while filming this segment, and so it has a kind of "unfinished" feel to it.

Bill is finally thrown on a train and hauled away with some other Jewish folks...

In segment two, Scatman Crothers is Mr.Bloom, who is new to the Sunnyvale Nursing Home He meets a group of elderly folks (Bill Quinn, Martin Garner, Selma Diamond, Helen Shaw, Murray Matheson, Peter Brocco) who seem to have given up and are merely waiting for Death to take them.

Although he is not Death himself, an argument can be made that he is The Dark Lord.
When Bloom starts cheering people up, he announces that they shall play a game of Kick the Can after lights out, to try and recapture a little of their youth. All except Mr. Conroy (Quinn) accept, and they meet in the yard, only to find that, once the game begins, they are all returned to their younger selves.

After a fun evening of games, all the residents return to bed, but not before they wake Mr. Conroy, who sees these younger versions of his roommates and flips right out. He rushes off to find a nurse, and when he returns, all but one of the children have returned to their regular, elderly selves. Mr. Agee, who chose to remain a child and relive his life, flees into the night, but not before he can tell Conroy to go fuck himself in the most polite way possible.

The next day, Mr. Bloom leaves the nursing home and heads to another nursing home around the corner, where, we have to assume, he will continue to offer his evil voodoo magic in exchange for their souls.

The next segment involves an obnoxious young boy (Jeremy Licht as Anthony) and the woman (Kathleen Quinlan as Helen) who tried, and failed, to run him over in a diner parking lot.

With no choice but to offer the boy a ride home, Helen meets Anthony's family: Father (William Schallert), Mother (Patricia Barry), Ethel (Nancy Cartwright), Sara (Cherie Currie), and Uncle Walt (Kevin McCarthy). They are an oddly cheerful group who treat Anthony like a king (or, at least, an evil demon-child with dangerous mental abilities), despite Anthony's insistence that none of them care for him or even like him.

Helen, for her part, is pretty oblivious to what is going on around her, and she chooses instead to frown and look confused a lot. At least until Anthony tells Uncle Walt to do a magic trick.

Um...Ta-da?
Things take a steep downward turn from there, until Anthony finally banishes everyone--except himself and Helen...somewhere...

The final segment stars John Lithgow taking on a role that came with some pretty big shoes to fill; In the original series, William Shatner was the man who spotted something mysterious and possibly very dangerous on the wing of the plane he is on.

Valentine (Lithgow) is a computer programmer who is stuck on a plane that is flying through a terrible storm. As he's a pretty twitchy and nervous guy to begin with, the weather is not helping the situation.

After spending a good portion of the trip in the bathroom, he finally returns to his seat, where he is determined to not freak out at all in any way whatsoever. That lasts roughly fifteen seconds because he foolishly peeks out his window and sees the engine being hit by lightning, and also highlighting the big, hair monster sitting on the wing and ripping chunks off of the plane.

Hi! I'd like to talk to you about your eternal soul. Your delicious, delicious eternal soul...
As things escalate, the crew gets involved, first giving him a mild sedative, leading up to him being strapped into his seat and sat on by an incredibly doughy sky marshall.

When he looks out the window again and finds himself face-to-face with the monster, he wrestles with the doughy guy and grabs his gun, shooting out the window and getting sucked halfway out the plane. As the doughy guy holds his legs, the plane goes in for an emergency landing. But was it all in his mind?

Of course not, stupids! This is the Twilight Zone!

Jake is least happy with the "Kick the Can" segment, because he felt it was just a little too Frank Capra-y for his taste. This does not keep him from promoting his theory that Mr. Bloom is, in fact, the Devil himself. He's also sad that Joe Dante's career has taken a serious hit because of Vic Morrow's death. But he loved Lithgow! (Really, who doesn't?)

Larry liked it all, although his least favorite was also "Kick the Can". He did, however, get a kick out of it when Derek explained that Scatman Crothers made him think of Gummy, a character from The Thrilling Adventure Hour. Apple pie!

Derek disagrees with the others, stating that he very much liked "Kick the Can" (and not just because of the Gummy connection). He didn't care for the Vic Morrow segment, though, and thinks it just wasn't complete. He did, however, notice that the co-pilot from the fourth segment looked like the bastard child of Oliver Stone and Clint Howard, which earns this week's movie a solid 2.5 on our Clint Howard-O-Meter!


So go let that creepy floating eyeball in through the floating front door and download this week's episode!

August 29, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Okay, guys...Before I get started with the usual list of stupid things Donald Trump has done or said, I have a serious thing I want to mention.

I just read an hour or so ago that actor Gene Wilder passed away at the age of 83. Some of you may remember Wilder from his roles as Dr. Frankenstein in Young Frankenstein, Jim in Blazing Saddles, Avrim in a personal favorite of mine called The Frisco Kid (in which he starred with a young Harrison Ford), and several films with Richard Pryor.

If none of the above bring him to mind, shame on you.

Seriously...If you read this page, you should know this stuff.
He was a hilarious and talented actor, and was also married to comedienne Gilda Radner before she passed away in 1989. He will be missed.

*****

For this week's animations, I captured the Superfriends from Hanna-Barbera!

No, it was not just a figure of speech.
So let's get this atrocity underway!

First off, Trump, as has been noted previously, is attempting a little bit of outreach with the African-American community. He has done this by speaking to groups of white people who are somewhere near places where African-Americans may or may not live. This has not turned out to be the winning strategy that he and his staff thought it might be.


As a result, he switched tactics and decided that the smart move here would be to convince the African-American communities that he's not the racist bigot! It was Hillary the whole time!


This week, he's coming to Detroit to speak to actual African-Americans! I sincerely hope this is televised...

I expect this to be Trump's reaction the first time
one of those African-Americans disagrees with him.
For her part, Hillary is defending herself. Well, sort of. Truth be told, she really doesn't have to because everyone knows that the garbage that Trump is spewing about her is ridiculous. Anyway, she's gave a speech last week talking about how Donald has enthusiastically courted the racist hillbillies in order to pretend he's serious about being the guy in charge of everything. It was quite an entertaining and, more importantly, a factually accurate speech that listed a number of things Trump has done to show just how little he thinks of people who don't have the same color skin as him (although, really, the only thing that has similar skin color to him is a Cheeto or a naval orange) or speaks a different language than him. (I have to assume he just thinksd they're making up words to confuse him.)


Naturally, he and his spokeschimps blew a fucking gasket and tried to talk about her and the e-mail thing, which is no longer a thing, and her health, which is also not a thing. If those didn't work, BEGHAZI!

I have no caption for this. It's just a WTF sorta thing, really.
Also up in the air is whether or not Donald has actually given any money to the various charities that he has promised. Turns out it's pretty hard to find out this information.


Well, as he's already with the whole $6 million to veterans thing, it's not looking...what's the word? Truthful?

Holy budget cuts, Batman! These new Bat-communicators don't even have string!
Just the other day, the cousin of NBA star Dwyane Wade was shot and killed. This is a terrible thing for anyone to have to experience. Many people expressed their sympathy to Wade and his family. Let's take a look at what Trump said, shall we?


Oooh...Not cool, dude. Not cool at all.

If he keeps this sort of thing up, it could end badly for him. Very badly.


This is not that much of a stretch to believe.

Dammit, Aquaman! Cut it out!
And, finally, since Trump keeps questioning Hillary's health, questions arose about a letter from Trump's own "doctor" concerning his own health. Oh, it's not that the letter said there was anything unhealthy about him. In fact, this doctor found him to be the healthiest person to ever run for president. Seriously. Here, read it for yourself:

I have the best doctors! Really fantastic!
Well, Dr. Bornstein has become something of a celebrity on Twitter, largely because everyone thinks he looks like The Dude. Personally, I think he looks like Brent Spiner's character from Independence Day.


Either way, questions arose over some of the terminology used in the letter, including the part about Trump's medical exam showing "only positive results". In Doctorland, saying test were positive usually means bad things. But not in Dr. Bornsteinland!

And there are no lifeguards, either!
And then came the tweets...Your tweets, to be specific. Well, ten of you anyway. And I found 'em all on Twitter! Let's have a look, and if you dig 'em, come and join us!

In no particular order...


And there you have it! Quite a week! Now get out there and make this one an awesome one, will ya? To help it along, here's the original 1973 classic Superfriends intro!


Finally, some food for thought from the Dynamic Duo themselves:


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

August 22, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, you! Welcome back, won't I?

It's been another week already (where do they go?!), and it's time to have a look at the weird-ass stuff that's been going on in the real world and on the interwebs. And, because I was sent another awesome .GIF by our pal @redtache -- this one from the movie 300 -- I think you can guess where I'm going with this...

THIS...GIF...IS...BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
So, it's been another week of intense stupidity from the Trump campaign. The biggest surprise, though, is that the bulk of it came more from his spokesmonkeys than it did from him!


But before we get to them, let's talk about his latest attempt to "pivot"...

Trump gave two speeches this past week in an attempt to get African-American voters on his side. Unfortunately, the target audience wasn't there because both speeches took place in predominantly white areas.


Oh, and the one thing that everyone took away from these speeches was a quote that will continue to haunt him for the rest of his life (I hope): "What have you got to lose [by voting for him]?"

So much, Donald...So much.

THIS...IS...RECKLESS!!!
In a New York park this past week, a mysterious structure showed up. In two other cities on the other side of the country, the same sculpture appeared. I know what you're thinking: Alien invasion, right? Monoliths, like in 2001: A Space Odyssey? Banksy deciding to try a new medium?

Sorry, no on all three.

It was actually a life-size (we assume) statue of a nude Donald Trump.


It was removed from the park after a reasonable enough time for tourists and locals to take selfies with it, and then NYC Parks issued a statement about the statue.


It's good to know that the folks there have a good sense of humor.

THIS...IS...YUMMY!!!
The general election rolls on and, a mere two-and-a-half months away from Election Day, it seems that angry Garbage Pail Kid Donald Trump is at least making some sort of effort, having fired yet another campaign manager (this one's name showed up in secret Russian ledgers for receiving millions for sketchy stuff, including possible treasonous activity against the U.S. military), and replacing him with a conspiracy nutball from Breitbart, which is a lateral move, at best. Also, he finally dropped a few bucks on some advertising, all of which is bullshit commercials containing about one lie every three seconds. (Seriously...someone checked.) So, basically, business as usual, but dumber.

Speaking of dumber, one of the speeches the Angry Orange gave this past week was one of contrition. He wanted everyone to know how horrible he felt about some of the mean, personal things he's said.


Look to later this week (or perhaps, before I've even finished typing this--oh, he said something mean about Morning Joe, didn't he? Dammit. Never mind.

THIS...IS...RIDICULOUS!!!
And, finally, the 2016 Summer Olympics ended, but not without at least one athlete being a horrible human being and then lying about it. Of course, I speak of Ryan Lochte.

Turns out Lochte and two other U.S. athletes got drunk, trashed a gas station bathroom, got into a "scuffle" with a security guard, and then, instead of owning up to being an asshole, he claimed he was robbed. At gunpoint.

Never happened.

And now Lochte is doing the rounds on TV, telling everyone how embarrassed he is, and he's losing sponsorships left and right.


Serves his goofy ass right.

THIS...IS...HYPNOTIC TO WATCH!!!
And there were tweets...So many tweets. And, as usual, I grabbed a bunch of them off of Twitter to throw in your eyeholes. Let's give 'em a look, shall we? And, as always, if you dig 'em, show these folks some Twitter love. If you're not on Twitter, get on!

Now let's go!


And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week, will ya? And, just to hopefully help you along, here's a music video I threw together a few years back for my old band, Gypsy Moth, featuring 21-year-old me on guitar!


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

August 17, 2016

Sharknado: The Fourth Awakens

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If you prefer your devastating weather events to be not just seafood-based, but also natural disaster-based and human folly-based, have we got a movie for you!

This week the guys sat down to watch Sharknado: The Fourth Awakens, starring Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, David Hasselhoff, and, to add a little gravity to the film, GARY FREAKIN' BUSEY!


This movie rates a solid 3.0 on the Clint Howard-O-Meter. Clint could easily appear in this film. To be honest, we're shocked he hasn't been offered a role yet, as he would almost certainly add yet another degree of awesomeness to it!

If you'll recall, when we last left our heroes, they had just beat some sharks in space (because why not), Fin (Ian Ziering) was suddenly a new father, Fin's own father (David Hasselhoff) was stuck on the moon, and a big ol' chunk of space station had fallen on April (Tara Reid), who seems to be getting singled out by the sharks for some spectacular abuse. Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No! ended with a Twitter poll that gave the viewers the chance to decide whether #AprilLives or #AprilDies.

SPOILER: She lives!
Well, it's now five years later, Fin runs a farm in Kansas called April's Acres, lives with his son, Gil (brothers Christopher and Nicholas Shone), his...mother(?)-in-law(?) (Cheryl Tiegs), and his neice Gemeni (Masiela Lusha). A science guy named Aston Reynolds (Tommy Davidson) has developed a weather control system that keeps sharknados from developing and opened a hotel in Las Vegas that is fronted by a giant aquarium filled with sharks. (Go to hell, ironic narrative causality!)

So, naturally, Fin is going with Capricorn to Las Vegas to attend his son Matt's (Cody Linley) wedding to Gabrielle (Imani Hakim), whom Matt met in the army. And, also naturally, a tornado immediately forms right on the Strip in Vegas, hitting Aston's hotel and sucking up all the sharks. At the same time, Aston's weather control system fails, allowing the sharknado to make its way halfway across the country while adding more and more horrible stuff to itself, such as boulders, oil, fire, lava, cows, and twine.

And this guy kills a shark with his dick.
And did we mention that Colonel Sheperd (Hasselhoff) isn't still stuck on the moon? He was rescued by Aston's porn star scientists and some other stupid coincidences that are really not worth going in to. Now he practices using Aston's flying suit and hanging out with his granddaughter, Claudia (Ryan Newman).

Speaking of stupid coincidences, it turns out April is still alive because her scientist father (Gary Busey) recovered her body from the spaceship wreckage and rebuilt her with cybernetic bits! She now has a new heart, superhuman strength, and a left hand that sports several different retractable weapons. There's even a lightsaber!

Not from the movie. Just awesome.
Fin takes Sagittarius, Matt, and Gabrielle back to Kansas (after a quick detour to borrow the car from Christine from Steve Guttenburg), where he finds the boulderoilfirelavanado sucking up cows on its way to April's Acres, where Gil and Raye (Tiegs) are hiding in the storm cellar. When their car is run off the road, they are saved by April, who reveals herself to them for the first time. This leads to the big reveal that Gary Busey saved her and rebuilt her, because he is clearly a brilliant scientist.

Also not from the film, but still AWESOME.
After much arguing, Fin contacts Aston and asks for help with getting rid of the sharknado(s?) because it is now irradiated, having taken out a nuclear power plant, and is now heading toward Niagra Falls. Aston's plan is to use an experimental machine that will reverse the course of the falls, flooding the nukenado with supercooled water and rendering it slightly less horrible. It also involves Aston jumping out of a plane without a parachute for some reason. Oh, and the colonel has a robot suitwith chainsaw hands.

Sure. Why not.
While this appears to work, it doesn't stop nearly every single major cast member being eaten by sharks in a ridiculous matrushka doll sequence that finished with the whole mess being swallowed by a whale.

Will everyone survive? Will April ever get to use her lightsaber? Will Gary Busey say anything coherent? Most importantly, will there be another Sharknado movie?!

COMING SOON:
Sharknado 5: The Whale Shot Hits The Fan!
We think we can at least answer that last one with a confident "yes." As for the rest, you'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek enjoyed the pure goofiness of the film, but became increasingly hostile about all of the Star Wars references. And they weren't even the good ones. He also gloats a lot because he called the casting of Gary Busey a year ago, before it was announced.

Larry was disappointed in the movie. He feels it missed the mark because of all the cameos. (You know, because the previous two didn't have any.) He is even more hostile about the Star Wars references and wonders if they just flat-out ran out of ideas.

Jake loved it, but was as confused as the others over some of the so-called "cameos". He thinks that the bulk of them were porn actors who were trying to get work in a more "mainstream" movie. (Hey, they can't all be Gone with the Wind.) He also points out that Hasselhoff and Busey are actually doing some solid acting.

So suit up and get your favorite chainsaw sword, and listen to this week's show!

August 15, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, guys...This week's animations are, again, some awesome Gary Busey ones because shut up is why. Gary Busey ROCKS!

IMMA EAT YOUR HAIR!
Aaaaaaanyway...

Once again, it's been a week of craziness from one of the two potential presidential candidates. (And yes, I know there are two other people running as independents or Green Party or whatever, but let's be honest; there is no way in hell they are going to win.) Anybody wanna wager a guess who it was?

No, no...A different clown.
Here's a hint:

Okay, not so much a "hint" as a "giant, flashing neon sign".
Yes, that's right. He said that, if Hillary gets elected, she'll be choosing the justices of the Supreme Court, and "there's nothing you can do," going on to add that "maybe the Second Amendment people can."

Wait a minute...Did he suggest an assassination?!


Ooh...Whoops. But it's okay, guys, because he said he was just being sarcastic. Oh, and he was doing the same thing when he said President Obama and Hillary Clinton "created" ISIS and were the terrorist group's "Most Valuable Players".


Of course, he left it up to his campaign manager and spokespeople and anyone else who seems to think that they know what he actually means.


Explaining what Trump meant is quickly becoming a cottage industry that could, if he wins the election, produce almost as many jobs as Obama has since he was elected.


Could be good money in it.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENIN', BUT I LIKE IT!!!
Oh, another fun thing that happened is, the president's daughter, Malia, was photographed at some music festival or other smoking what appeared to be a joint. You could almost hear the collective sigh of indifference from the denizens of the interwebs, who could really not have cared less.


It was good for a few jokes, though!

I'M THUMB-WALKIN'! GET OUTTA MY WAY, ASSHOLES!
And, of course, there were tweets. So many tweets. And, because I like you guys, I sorted through them and found ten that made me laugh. Hopefully, they'll make you laugh, too. Let's find out!

In no particular order...


And there you have it!

C'MERE, YA LITTLE SUMBITCH!
Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to set you on your way, here's an alternate choice for those of you who don't feel comfortable voting for either Hillary or Trump.


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

August 10, 2016

Xanadu

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(Note: This movie was not rated with our patented Clint Howard Scale because there is no conceivable universe where Clint Howard would fit into this movie. Please adjust your records accordingly.)

Remember the halcyon days of 1980? Hair bands were still a few years away, rollerskating still had meaning, photography was not as useful as a petulant artist with a paintbrush, and Greek gods held sway over the parts of California where dudes could hang out on the beach and play their clarinets with impunity. Good times, indeed.

And that's why Derek chose this week's movie, Xanadu, starring Olivia Newton-John, Gene Kelly, and, for some reason, Michael Beck. There are a bunch of other people, but they are of little to no importance, so we'll say no more about them.

Like most of these Tron rejects.
Michael Beck is Sonny, a failed "artist" who, at the beginning of the movie, has come back to work at an unnamed record company where Sonny and a group of nameless, uninteresting people spend upwards of ten minutes a day working on giant paintings of record covers that are made to be hung outside record stores because, it would seem, that photography is not really a thing yet. (Or anymore?)

On his way to work, he is molested in the park by a woman (Olivia Newton-John) on rollerskates who leaves a trail of light as she moves. It's unclear whether Sonny sees these trails, or he is so coked-up that he is used to seeing them everywhere he looks, so he does not react to them. Instead, he immediately falls in love with her and, after a brief two-minute stop at his job to piss off Simpson, gabble at his coworkers, and discover that his next assignment is an album cover on which the woman who touched his Danger Area just happens to appear.

Tell me, are you familiar with sexual harassment?
Believing this is some sort of sign, Sonny heads back out to the beach to find the woman, and instead runs across Danny (Gene Kelly), a former musician who claims to have worked with Duke Ellington and is now a developer who spends most of his time hanging out on the beach and playng his clarinet.

The two of them hit it off, and Sonny unwisely follows Danny to a second location (something even most hobos will tell you is a bad idea)--Danny's mansion--where Sonny is forced to listen to Big Band music and hear stories about "the good old days" from a crusty old man. When Sonny finally makes his excuse to escape, Danny stays and hallucinates for a while.

Dance, old man! Dance until you DIE!
After finally deciding to get some work done, Sonny heads back to work, where he is almost immediately interrupted by the girl, whose name is Kira. Kira, it appears, has no problem with a little breaking-and-entering in order to get what she wants. This suits Sonny just fine, and the two of them break into a studio at the record company, where they rollerskate around and attempt to do romantic things, although it's really just a chance to show off some of the money they got to make this movie.

Thus inspired, Sonny goes to Danny and tells him about his idea to turn an abandoned auditorium (which just happens to be on the same album cover Kira appears on) into a giant roller rink/bar/dance club/concert venue. After some encouragement from Kira, Danny agrees, and promptly throws in the money to renovate the building and promising to get the entire construction crew soused at the end of each work week.

So he can surround himself with juggling mimes.
With everyone sufficiently inspired, Kira tells Sonny she has to go because she was only sent there for that purpose. Unfortunately for her, she fell in love, and that goes against the rules of being a Muse.

That's right...Kira is a Muse.

Once Kira leaves, Sonny is so distraught he almost takes a brief moment to consider not going to the opening of the club, whose construction appears to have taken only about a week. (The timeline of this film is incredibly sketchy.) However, he puts on a brave face, quits his job at the record company (again), and goes rollerskating, where he finds a wall that has a painting of several women, including Kira, standing in front of a stylized Mount Olympus. Risking a possible closed head injury, Sonny races toward the wall, passing through it to another dimension lit by neon and Christmas lights, to confront Kira's parents, Zeus and Hera.

And he must defeat Kira in battle on the Grid!
Will Sonny convince the gods that he needs Kira by his side in order to ever be happy again? Will Danny ever recoup the money he has sunk into a club that will, within a few years, return to the deserted husk it once was? Will Kira sing and sing and sing for what seems like hours to get her point across, whatever it is? (SPOILER: That last one is a definite yes.)

Tune in to find out!

Larry hates this movie with a passion that burns like a thousand suns. It angers him that such a movie was even allowed to be made, and even more so when he realizes just how much it cost to make. His dislike for it is so much that, at one point, he would have even been willing to watch You Can't Stop The Music, starring Bruce Jenner and the Village People! He finds nothing redeeming about any of the characters or story, and he wishes harm on everyone involved. He did, however, think the soundtrack was pretty catchy, for the most part.

Derek likes the movie for its goofiness, although he does have some serious concerns over what Sonny's job is. Does photo enlargement not exist in this movie's reality? There is clearly photography; in one scene, Sonny speaks to the photographer who took the picture used on the album cover, so it has to exist. But it seems that the Greek gods have intervened and not allowed photos to be made, you know...bigger.

Jake is concerned about Danny's mental stability. Not only is the man delusional--the hallucinatory scene where he sings and dances with a ghostly Kira (or a reasonable facsimile) is solid proof that the man's grasp on reality is tenuous at best, as is his willingness to invest in an enormous and expensive venture with a failed artist who cannot maintain enough interest in his own well-being to actually do a job that will put food on his table and a roof over his head--but there is a moment at the end of the hallucination where his face goes completely dead. It's...unnerving.

So put on those rollerskates, crank up some Electric Light Orchestra, and listen to this week's episode!

August 8, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, gang!

I really, really, really wanted to avoid talking about politics this week because, quite frankly, I was a bit tired of it from giving my attention to the Republican Fear-O-Rama and the Democratic More-Patriotic-Than-Thou Showcase.

But, as always, Donald Trump pulled me from the glorious abyss with a week that may very well go down in history as his worst week to day. (Although I hold high hopes that he will be able to top it at least once before the election.)


So, here we go again. But this time, we're going to do it with GIFs from what can only be described as the greatest video game EVER.

I speak, of course, of none other than the great Earthworm Jim.

FUN FACT: Jim is somehow related to Bruce Campbell.
Where to start? Well, we can begin with the tail-end of the DNC, when the Muslim parents of Captain Humayun Khan, a soldier killed in Iraq in 2004, questioned Trump's sacrifices and general knowledge of the Constitution.

Trump being Trump, responded by claiming he was "viciously attacked" by the couple, questioned whether the wife was even allowed to speak (Ghazala Khan was silent during Khizr Khan's speech), and then went on to suggest that he himself had sacrificed as much as (if not more than) the Khan family because he employs "a lot of people" and builds things.

Holy. Shit.

This back-and-forth went on almost the whole week, even though even Republicans were saying things like, "Ehhhh...Donald...Maybe you should oughta, you know, stop? Before even the meager chance you have of winning is completely disintegrated?"

And then he was off!
Trump responded by asking, during a security briefing which he is now, as the Republican nominee, allowed to be at, why the U.S. can't just use the nuclear option when dealing with foreign powers.


And then, at one of his rallies, a baby began to cry...


My only question is, what lunatic would bring a baby to a rally where there will be almost constant loud noise (crowds, cheering, music, a bloviating Cheeto with a bad rug, racists epithets...that sort of thing)?

Juggling a family can be difficult. We get it.
Oh, and word came out that Melania, Donald's wife, might actually have been an "illegal alien", as her husband is so fond of calling undocumented immigrants. See, some nude photos she posed for in 1995 came to light, and the story keeps changing about how she was able to work without a work in the US before becoming a citizen in 2001. Then a spokesperson came forward and said that her green card from her marriage allowed it. However, she claims Donald is her first husband, and they didn't marry until 2005. Or something. To be honest, it's all confusing and most of it is bullshit, so I really don't care anymore.

Heh-heh...the earthworm's pants fell down...
So let's have us some tweets, shall we? And, as always, if you dig 'em, come on over to Twitter.com and hang out with some of the funniest people on this weird little planet!


And there you have it! But wait! I'm not done! Here's a video! Watch it! Exclamation points!!!!!


And now, I'm outta here!

Later, y'all!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

August 3, 2016

Summer School

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A note from the guys: This week, we're instituting a new rating system: The Clint Howard-O-Meter!


As we all know, every movie should contain Clint Howard, either in person, or in spirit. This scale will tell you just how much of Clint Howard's snaggle-toothed, sleepy-eyed awesomeness is contained within each week's movie. For instance, this week's movie is rated at 0.5 on the Clint Howard-O-Meter. This means that, while Clint could have appeared in the film--possibly as a weird janitor or science teacher, he does not. We have put this down to a poor judgement call on the part of Carl Reiner, the film's director.

Keep in mind, this is by no means a definitive scale. It could have been a scale rating the film's Eddie Deezen-ness, but we're not scientists, and trying to rate that would surely have resulted in hurt feelings, and possibly physical injuries.

Anyway, let's get to the movie, shall we? -- The Here Be Spoilers Crew

*****

Summer! When the kids get out of school and immediately start complaining that there's nothing to do!

Summer! When you take the family on vacation and end up not speaking to each other by the end of the trip because someone blamed somebody else for cheating at Monopoly!

Summer! When multimillion dollar movies hit the theaters and wow the viewers with special effects and amazing stories!

Summer! When the not-so-academically-inclined kids have to try making up for their lack of effort during the normal school year...

Only one of the above is related in any way at all to this week's movie. Care to guess which one?

Looks like someone needs a hint.
Okay, okay. If you read the title at the top of the page, we can assume you already know. If not, you should probably pay closer attention to stuff. In that case, we might even suggest you go back to...summer...school...! (For the record, we are not proud of this joke.)

Yes, this week, at Larry's behest, the guys sat down to watch Mark Harmon and Kirstie Alley in Summer School, a movie that dares to ask, "What if the guy from NCIS was an on-the-spectrum, Hawaiian shirt-wearing gym teacher who had to teach remedial English to a bunch of kids who are way older than their characters are supposed to be, while still maintaining his wacky outlook on life, as well as attempting to bone the vice principal's girlfriend, a woman who was once a Vulcan in Starfleet, but then moved on to run a bar in Boston?"

No, not Kim Cattrall...
This is clearly a movie with a lot to say.

Mark Harmon is Freddy Shoop, a man with a plan. That plan includes going to Hawaii for the summer with his girlfriend (Amy Stock) and probably having a lot of disappointing sex (for her) and crying (for him). Unfortunately, when the teacher (Carl Reiner, who also directed) who agreed to stick around to teach the summer school students ditches after he wins a bunch of money on an instant lottery ticket, the vice principal, Phil Gills (Robin Thomas), tells Shoop that he has to do it.

On his first day, Shoop meets Robin Bishop (Kirstie Alley), another summer school teacher, and immediately decides, quite reasonably, that he wants to get up in them guts. One minor issue that stands in Shoop's way on this front, though, is that Robin is dating Gills, the stock "stuffed suit" required for films like these in the 80s.

Dude! He totally was a bitchen uptight guy!
Shoop's students are a walking collection of ABC After School Specials. There's Pam (Courtney Thorne Smith), the surfer chick who wants to sleep with her teacher; Dave (Gary Riley) and Chainsaw (Dean Cameron), a couple of alcoholic horror film fans; Denise, a dyslexic girl; Larry (Ken Olandt), the constantly sleeping kid who works nights at a strip club; Rhonda (Shawnee Smith), the obligatory pregnant teen; Anna-Maria (Fabiana Udenio), the hot foreign exchange student; and Eakian (Richard Steven Horvitz), who has no neck.

As the Beaver.
There's also another student, Jerome (Duane Davis), but he was missing from most of the movie because he was trapped in the bathroom. Really.

At first, Shoop attempts to be friends with his students--taking them on field trips to petting zoos, theme parks, and the beach--before realizing that none of that stuff has anything to do with teaching English. When he tries to actually teach them, they present a list of demands. Dave and Chainsaw want a party and a chauffeur, and they steal Anna-Maria's request (because, you know, she's foreign and stuff), and request an in-class screening of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Rhonda needs a breathing coach. Denise needs driving lessons. Larry needs a bed in class. Eakian just wants to be invited to the party. Oh, and Pam needs a place to live. That one is easily fixed by her moving in with Shoop. setting him up for years of potential jail time.

Yup. Absolutely sixteen-years-old. Not a minute older. Nope.
For a while, it seems that things are going well. But then, after a small couch fire, some fish murder, and charges for contributing to the delinquency of minors, Shoop decides it's time to get serious. This is largely because Robin and Gills had to bail him out of jail, but Gills says he's willing to forget all about this stuff if Shoop can get his kids to pass the big test at the end of the session, something that Gills does not believe will happen.

When the kids present another list of demands to get them to study even harder, Shoop quits, and Gills has to bring in a substitute. This results in the best scene of the movie, but we don't want to give too much away.

But it involves an angry math teacher.
Realizing that they are even worse off without Shoop, the class hunts him down and begs him to return. Will he? Will the class pass the test? Will Rhonda's pregnancy come into play somehow? Will Jerome ever come back from the bathroom?

You'll have to wait and see.

Derek did not like this movie at all. Aside from not being able to picture Mark Harmon as anything other than Ted Bundy, he also thinks that this should have been a serious movie. These students are a collection of serious issues and have some real problems with their home lives. Except for Pam, who has no home and totally want to bang her teacher. What the hell?!

Jake liked the movie. He thinks this is largely because of its heavy rotation during the early years of HBO. One point he does make, though, is that the special effects used when the kids meet Mr. Shoop's replacement are fantastic. Professional, even. It points toward a potential career for Chainsaw, if the alcoholism doesn't kill him first.

Larry refuses to admit that this film is anything less than stellar. He loves it, and even owns it on DVD! He, too, was really impressed with the effects in the replacement scene, and this leads to a lot of speculation about what goes on later in both Chainsaw's and Dave's lives. There is suspicion that at least one of them made some money, while the other sells weed to teenagers.

So put down those books and listen to this week's episode!