January 28, 2015

Galaxy Quest

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Here's a rarity: The guys watched a movie that all three of them love unabashedly! They sat down to talk about 1999's Galaxy Quest, starring Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman, Tony Shalhoub, Sam Rockwell, Daryl Mitchell, Enrico Colantoni and Justin Long in his first film! And that's just the main cast! There are even more amazing names in the supporting cast!

Do we sound a little enthusiastic? That's because everyone here at Ugly Couchcast Industries is a huge fan.

And the crowd goes wild!
Galaxy Quest is about the has-been cast of a mid-eighties television show called, creatively, Galaxy Quest. Since the cancellation of the show, they have been attending QuestCons to meet fans, despite almost all of them hating the show's main star, Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen).

While attending one those conventions, Jason is contacted by a group of people that he believes are making a fan film, but turn out to be actual aliens that have developed their society based on "historical documents" that are, in fact, old reruns of the show, even going so far as to build the ship from the show, the N.T.E. Protector. (Wait until you find out what "N.T.E." stands for...)

Sadly, it does not come with cupholders.
After seeing what the aliens have done (and kind of pissing off the evil lobster that wants to destroy them), Jason convinces the rest of the crew to join him in a chance to be actual heroes to the galaxy, as opposed to just being bitter actors pretending to be heroes. They don't believe him, but follow along because they don't want him taking a job without them. From there, hilarity ensues...

That's a helluva thing...
Derek is fascinated (and, admittedly, a little disturbed) by Tim Allen's MacGuyver hair in the clips from the original show...

Jake is amazed by Sam Rockwell's grasp of technology...

Stunningly accurate!
And Larry is really, really into Sigourney Weaver's...er...costume...

And her Jazz Hands!
So throculate your perambulators and set your phaser-like weapons that don't violate Paramount's licensing and ownership on stun, and get onboard with Galaxy Quest!

January 26, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's been another wonderfully funny week, you guys!

Oh, sure, there was some not-so-fun stuff (like always), but the fine folks over at Twitter have kept me in a cheery mood, as always. And for that, I am thankful to them.

They ROCK!
Anyway, let's get on with the funny, won't we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! Another bunch of awesome funny to start off your week. And, to help it along a little further, and because I used a 30 Rock GIF, here's Liz Lemon from that show singing about one of her favorite foods, Cheezy Blasters!

Have a great week!
Derek and Bosco

January 22, 2015


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Welp...Jake made it to the recording, and he brought a copy of 1986's Critters, which stars many talented actors who, for reasons that are impossible to determine, aren't acting very well at all; Dee Wallace Stone, Ethan Phillips, M. Emmett Walsh...Billy freakin' Zane! So many well-known actors...and so many poor acting choices.

Even Lin Shaye. Although you may not recognize her in this movie, or her name, maybe this will ring a bell:

That's hot.
And there's also these two douche nuggets:

"We are the NRA."
Who or what all of these people are is irrelevant. Because the main characters of this movie are the critters themselves. They are small, unpleasant, and ugly...just like Mason Reese...

"Have you accepted Gizmo the Mogwai as your own personal savior?"
The critters escape from a Maximum Security Asteroid (that's a thing, right?) and make their way to Earth, landing in Kansas, where they eat people and are generally unfriendly. Only a family of not very bright people and their drunk friends stand between the critters and their domination of the planet.

The guys like those odds.

There are possibly unfinished monsters, recycled shots, enough dry-humping to chafe a bear, and so many references to Spielberg movies that he should have been given an executive producer credit of his own.

Derek is pissed-off about Billy Zane's hand acting. It's...not good. Jake loves the movie, but is unable to sufficiently explain why. Larry paid closer attention than the others, but is still unable to igure out what the entire point of it was.

There's also some awesome The X-Files news, some upcoming movie releases, another edition of The Nicholas Cage-Off, One Thing, and Larry's Top Ten(s). The guys also get their first requested film from a denizen of Twitter!

So get your protective podcast listening jockstrap and fire up this episode!

Oh, yeah...And remember this:

You know you want some of that action!
NEXT WEEK: Galaxy Quest! By Grabthar's Hammer, don't miss it!

January 18, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, kids! It's Sunday again! And, like every Sunday, I'm going to throw a bunch of tweets at you that I've found on the Twitter machine. Maybe they'll make you laugh. Maybe they won't. Either way, maybe...just maybe...we'll all learn a little something about ourselves...


Even so, we can get a giggle or two out of the brilliantly hilarious folks over there, and we can start out week off with a smile. And, failing that, I have a funny video clip as a backup. SO LET'S DO THIS!!!

In no particular order...

And there you have it! Not a bad batch, if I do say so myself.


If you listened to last week's episode of Here Be Spoilers, you'll know that we were not sure whether Jake was going to be able to make it. (His birthday was yesterday--Happy birthday, buddy!--and his anniversary with his girlfriend is today.) However, due to a bit of super-groovy serendipity, he is able to make it on Monday, so we're recording then, and we're watching Critters! It's gonna be a blast!


So! Go have yourself an awesome week, will ya? And to give it a kickstart, it's time for another hilarious clip from Wits. This one features Keegan-Michael Key and host John Moe as the Mythbusters! Enjoy!

Have a great week!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

January 14, 2015

The Undertaker and His Pals

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Well, gang...It finally happened. The guys finally sat down to watch The Undertaker and His Pals. So far, it's the shortest movie they have watched for the show.(Only sixty-four minutes!) Somehow, they managed to make a podcast that was longer than the actual movie!

The poster is better than the movie!
By taking the well-known idea of a restaurant serving human flesh as food (Delicatessen, Sweeney Todd...possibly an episode of Laverne & Shirley), and trying to put an original spin on it (motorcycles, an undertaker instead of a barber or apartment supervisor, possibly an old guy who runs a pizza place/bowling alley) and throwing in some attempts at comedy, the filmmakers managed to create a disturbing mishmash of barely watchable goofiness!

"I'm eating a sexy hamburger! I can taste the sexy E. coli!"
Basically, a motorcycle gang, led by the undertaker of the local funeral home (it accepts trading stamps!), goes around killing people. The other two members of the gang--Spike and Doc--own and operate a restaurant called the Greasy Spoon Cafe. The restaurant gets their "meat" to sell, and the undertaker makes a killing (pun definitely intended) by overbilling people for funeral expenses. These guys have a PLAN! Sure, they're dicks. But they're organized dicks with a solid business model.

They're snazzy dressers, too!
But everything is thrown into chaos when asshole P.I. Harry Glass gets on the case! He takes it personally when the gang kills his secretary (despite being totally disinterested when she threatens to commit suicide in front of him), and swings into action! And by that, we mean he smirks a lot, hangs out with a guy who looks like Raymond Burr, and hires a new secretary.

And there are snacks!
Derek is angry about the editing. Really angry. Jake is angry at...well, everything, really. And Larry unabashedly loves this movie, yet he is unable to thoroughly explain why.

There is also News Stuff in The Lobby, Upcoming Releases, Larry's Top Ten, and a new segment from Derek called One Thing. Jake has yet to decide whether he wants a segment.

So get some "leg of Lamb" (trust us, this is hilarious in context), pour yourself a delicious 7UP (crisp and clean, no caffeine), and settle down for a tightly-coiled spiral of podcasting goodness!

NEXT WEEK'S MOVIE: We're not sure. It may be Eegah! starring Richard Kiel, Arch Hall, Jr., and Richard Kiel's icky, slug-like tongue. Or it may be a movie to be named later, due to Jake having an anniversary and birthday next weekend. We'll let you know. Cool?

January 12, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, gang!

I don't know how many different ways I can say that it was another awesomely funny week on the Twitter machine, but, well...It was another awesomely funny week on the Twitter machine.

Once again, the folks on there have made me laugh and laugh, no matter how horrible the rest of the world has decided to be. Between the murders of cartoonists in France to the bombing of an NAACP building here in the states, I was able to jump on there and get away from that stuff and have a smile or two. And for that, I am incredibly grateful to these guys.

Me, being grateful.

But enough of that smooshy stuff. Let's get on with some damn funny tweets, shall we?

In no particular order...

And there you have it!

Here's to what I hope will be a slightly less murdery week. And to hopefully put you potential homicidal maniacs onto a more positive and happy path, here's another exciting 8-Bit Cinema clip! Enjoy!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

January 6, 2015

Atomic War Bride

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Well...It happened again. The guys honest-to-goodness tried to sit down and watch The Undertaker and His Pals. They really did. Unfortunately, technology was not about to let something like that happen without a fight, so it made sure that Derek's copy only lasted about ten minutes, a large portion of which was taken up by having three guys drive their motorcycles around in a circle about eight thousand times.

Anyway, rather than face the freezing cold Michigan January, they voted and decided to move on to the next title on the list, once again saving The Undertaker and His Pals for next week's episode. (Derek would just like everyone to know that he feels this is some sort of sign that maybe they shouldn't watch it. The other guys, however, are not backing down. We'll see what happens.)

And so, that's how the guys ended up watching a Yugoslavian film called Atomic War Bride. (The original title is RAT, which we are told means "WAR" in its native language.)

Nothing about this makes sense.
Atomic War Bride is a busy film from 1960, and it covers the morning and afternoon of John Johnson's wedding day. As best as we can tell. He is getting ready to marry the lovely, and possibly underaged, Maria. They're all in love and junk.

John is confused because the tree is slightly more emotive than Maria.
But before he can even think about that, he first has to have an extended debate with his friend about how much a small flower has grown since the day before, get apartment decorating advice from his neighbor, be harassed by a paperboy, and see a parade.

Again, this is a very busy movie.

The wedding sorta happens, wars break out all willy-nilly, people get all blown-up or drafted, other people die, the president visits, peace is declared, and atomic bombs are dropped.

Worst. Wedding day. Ever.

And, as is usually the case, the guys are upset about stuff.

Jake is deeply troubled by the "camouflage" section of the basic training because of possible gun damage.

My god! He turned into a tree! He must be some kind of crazy wizard!
Derek is terribly concerned about the basic training, as well, but more because of the trigger finger exercises.

Look out, nose!
And Larry was incredibly upset by this shot of a cow apparently being actually, really for real MACHINE GUNNED BY A FREAKIN' PLANE:

(To be fair, Derek and Jake were pretty upset about it, too. But Larry was really upset by it.)

The guys also watched the short animated film Duck and Cover, which features exploding monkeys and a turtle named Burt! And there's movie news, coming attractions, Larry's Top Ten, (as well as Derek's Top Ten Rebuttal), and the return of the world-renowned Nicholas Cage-Off!

So shut up and tune in! It's fun!

NEXT WEEK'S MOVIE: The Undertaker and His Pals (and we really, really mean it this time!)

January 5, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

(The preceding introduction was written by our guest writer, Dr. Nick.)
Another week, another batch of funny tweets making its way from Twitter to your very own eyeballs! Isn't technology a wonderful thing?

These folks are damn funny, and you should probably oughta go and follow them on there or something, because they all appreciate it when you do.

But enough of that...Let's get makin' with the funny! In no particular order...

And there you have it! Not too shabby, if you ask me! Now, to the housekeeping...

This week's episode of Here Be Spoilers, which we had previously announced as being about 1966's The Undertaker and His Pals has been preempted due to technical problems well beyond my abilities. Therefore, we had to pick a film on the fly, and we ended up with a weird-ass movie from Yugoslavia called Atomic War Bride. As a result, we will be doing The Undertaker and His Pals next week. Really. We mean it this time. One way or the other...

Now, get on out there and have yourself an awesome week, will ya? And let me start you off by offering you this classic clip from "Weird Al" Yankovic.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

January 1, 2015


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*****HAPPY NEW YEAR!*****

Hey there, gang! A new year, and a shiny new episode of Here Be Spoilers to cram into your earholes!

As one final nod to the guys' #HolidayMoviepalooza, they sat down to watch 1989's Elves, a film that rivals Steel Dawn in the high levels of confusion and anger it generated among the crew.

Oh, sure, it "stars" Dan Haggerty of Grizzly Adams fame as a burned-out, possibly retired detective (he smokes a lot)...

One of only three non-smoking pictures I could find.
...but it has little else to offer. According to Jake, it was supposed to be about a bunch of elves trying to resurrect Hitler for some unexplained reason. Instead, it's actually about one poorly-made elf puppet that cannot emote, and the former Nazis that want it to breed with one of their granddaughters.

Seriously...This is the "monster" of this movie. That's his expression the whole time.
A group of "anti-Christmas" girls accidentally summon the elf while performing an unspecified ritual, and one of them spills her own blood on the ground. The main girl's (fake Rosanna Arquette's) grandfather is a cranky wheelchair-bound German guy, and her mom looks like Debbie Harry. Dan Haggerty starts the movie as a jobless guy who appears to have been evicted from his travel trailer, and then goes to work as a department store Santa Claus. Sneaking into the department store late at night causes these two lunkheads to team up and fight the Germans (who may or may not be trying to protect the girl), and Haggerty gets to shoot at people.

The NRA sponsored this product placement.
When that fails, the director tries to make him look like some sort of action star, letting him punch elderly Germans and spout witty quips like, "How many teeth you got? *PUNCH!* How many now?" It's no "Yippy-kay-yay, motherfucker," but then, he's no John McClain. Instead, he looks like an angry, chain-smoking, partially-shaved bear. (Which ties him back into Grizzly Adams!)

Larry is disturbed by how much Haggerty smokes. Jake is angered by the number of things that appear to be going somewhere, and then completely fail to do anything at all. Derek is visibly shaken by the elf puppet that appears to have had some kind of stroke. And all three of them are made terribly uncomfortable by the super-fey Al Franken simulacrum and the department store manager in the Pee Wee Herman bowtie.

There's also some interesting discussion about Sam Raimi, the rumored upcoming Star Wars standalone Han Solo film, Larry's List, and odd facts about Hitler. (Did you know he came up with the idea of the blow-up doll? That is messed up.)

So tune in and dig on the weirdness of Elves! And Happy New Year from all of us at The Ugly Couchcast and Here Be Spoilers!

NEXT WEEK: The Undertaker and His Pals. (Finally!) See you then!