June 21, 2017

Invasion, U.S.A.

To listen or download, click here!


Jake couldn't make it to record this week, so Derek and Larry decided to put the planned movie on hold and watch something else. And that something else is 1952's jingoist anti-Communist propaganda film, Invasion USA. They also invited their pal @redtache to offer his comments via text, which Derek reads as they discuss the movie.

Now, do not confuse this with the 1985 Invasion, U.S.A., which features Chuck Norris kicking people in the head a lot, probably. No, this one has very little head-kicking, but it does feature two Lois Lanes! (Phyllis Coates and Noel Neill!)

Also not in the 1985 movie: A guy who looks like a blind carpenter's thumb.
It's a regular 1950s late afternoon in New York City, where groups of random people hang out at a hotel bar, taking their twelve-martini lunches and listening to Tim the bartender (Tom Kennedy) tell terrible jokes to decidedly Southern "cattle raiser" Ed Mulfory (Erik Blythe), and another man, Mr. Ohman (Dan O'Herlihy), sits quietly at the end of the bar, reading.

Enter George (Robert Bice) and his potential mate, Carla (Peggie Castle). They order drinks and sit down to be lulled to sleep by Tim's jackhammer-like laughter at his own jokes. And then another man enters--local news reporter Vince Potter (Gerald Mohr), who is taking a sort of unofficial poll during his liquid lunch to see what everybody thinks about the draft, including the military taking over businesses to help build tanks, bombs, etc.

Excuse me, miss, but could you move so I can speak to a man?
George, who owns a tractor-building factory, is not a fan, and he relays a story about how the military came to him the week before about building tanks, and he basically tossed them out the door. Another member to the crew enters, Illinois congressman Arthur Harroway (Wade Crosby), and passes out cigars while he tries to take over the conversation by giving a stump speech about how every American is obligated to help "our boys", regardless of the cost, and a fight is imminent when George calls this Communism.

But it all comes to a screeching halt when Mr. Ohman speaks. In a monotone voice, he explains that he thinks everyone should do their part, and then asks them all to consider what could happen if everyone said they wouldn't help. The whole time, he is swirling his gigantic brandy snifter and rambling on and on...

Except Tim, who tried to hide his shame over the spots on his daiquiri glasses.
.And then, while everyone is captivated by staring at his glass, Mr. Ohman gets up and leaves. The others snap out of whatever trance they are in just in time to see the newscaster on the bar's big television having twitchy spasms and reporting that foreign fighter jets were attacking an airfield in Alaska, taking it over in order to using it as a staging ground for further attacks against the United States.

Vince has to leave to see what's going on, but the rest of them hang out in the bar and watch the news, none of them even thinking for a second that maybe they should ought to get out of there and maybe find somewhere safe.

Comrade Squiggy...Do you know what it mean, "eat a bag of dicks"?
The Communists, on the other hand, continue to launch attacks, using atomic bombs to blow up cities and make their way across the country.

It's right about this point that some of the folks in the bar think that it is a good time to go home. George and Ed share a taxi to the airport so they can get back to San Francisco and Boulder, respectively. Unfortunately, Lois Lane (Neill) tells them that they all the seats are filled for the California flights, and all the flights to Colorado are cancelled. However, they might be able to get on the next California flight if they fill out a form showing they need to get there. Ed decides to give it a shot and try to find a way home from there.

They manage a flight, and when they get to San Francisco, they hire a taxi driver (who looks like Kevin Pollack) to take them to George's factory. When they get there, the Communist jets are attacking, so Ed hires the taxi driver to drive him to Boulder to get Ed's wife (Coates) and his kids.

Meanwhile, the bad guys have invaded Washington, attacking Congress and killing Harroway. Others are roaming around Washington, D.C. and shooting American soldiers in the dick.

Seriously. This guy with the rifle is gonna get, like, three bullets in the junk.
Back in Colorado, rather suddenly, Ed and his new driver show up at Ed's ranch to pick up the family. Unfortunately, they are in a race against time, as the invaders have dropped an atomic bomb on Boulder Dam, causing flood waters to rush through the streets, potentially killing thousands of people, including Ed and his family.

In San Francisco, George has his factory taken over by the invaders, and when he tries to escape, he is gunned down in a hail of bullets.

In New York, Vince and Carla have a nice breakfast of coffee and cigarettes (it is the 1950s, after all) before she goes off to collect blood for the Red Cross, and he goes off to read the news on television. They agree to meet later at the bar.

Hopefully to beat the holy hell out of this guy, Mr. Ohman.
When they meet outside the bar to watch the evening's air raid, the building is struck by artillery, causing parts of it to collapse on them. Will they survive? What about Tim? And, seriously, what the hell is the deal with Mr. Ohman?


Larry was surprised at how good this movie actually was, especially given the kinds of movies Derek usually picks. And while he thinks some of the specific scenes are kind of silly, the whole thing works pretty well. He also liked all the stock footage of airplane dogfights.

Derek also enjoyed it and thought that the "special effects", such as they were, worked pretty well, for the most part. His favorite scene, however, involved probably the greatest walk-on ever. Seriously, it has to be seen to be appreciated.

@redtache didn't much care for the movie, although he pretty much nailed it when he said that it was nothing more than straight-up propaganda. That's exactly what it is. He did offer up a few funny comments concerning some of the characters' activities during the attacks.

June 19, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

Let's be honest; last week was not a great week. So, in order to get through all the garbage that happened, I'm employing some awesome Mythbusters GIFs because there is nothing not awesome about Mythbusters. (Aside from it not being on the air anymore.)

See? Awesome.
Anyway, as I said, it was not a great week. It started out the Saturday before when it was announced that Adam West passed away, leaving us a superhero short when we really could use one. However, the city of Los Angeles paid a really great tribute to him by firing up the old Bat-Signal and shining it on City Hall.


Again, thank you, Mr. West.

Good luck with that.
Megyn Kelly, former Fox "News" yeller, is working for MSNBC now, and it seems that she opened a can of worms when she decided to interview screaming conspiracy bullfrog Alex Jones for her show. Before it even came out, the complaints started, and the sponsors started pulling advertising.


One of the most unexpected complaints came from Jones himself, who says Kelly's interview was deceptively edited to come off as a hit piece, despite promising him it would not be. How do we know she promised this? Why, because Jones recorded her telling him as much!

Yes, it turns out that the paranoid InfoWars host tapes any and all interviews he does, in the event that he doesn't come off as crazy enough. And, feeling he wasn't given a fair shake, he is threatening to release the entire recording of his conversation with Kelly, although he has only released small chunks at this point, all designed to make Kelly look like a horrible person. (As if we didn't already think that.)

Here's a clip from the interview.
Another awful thing happened when a nutbag with a gun decided, "Hey, I disagree with Republicans, so I think I'll shoot them a lot."

The man, a self-described Bernie Sanders supporter, took his gun to a baseball field where Republican lawmakers were practicing for a charity baseball game against Democratic lawmakers, and opened fire, shooting several people, including Louisiana Republican Steve Scalise.

Here's the thing: I disagree with Republicans in general, and Scalise is no angel himself. Some of the stuff he supports is reprehensible to me, but I would never, ever advocate taking a gun to anybody just because you disagree with their thinking. That's not the way to make change happen. If you have ever thought about doing something like that, regardless of your political affiliation, religion, or any other thing, you are an asshole.


I wish Representative Scalise a quick recovery.

Harmless destruction is way more entertaining.
With last week's testimony from former FBI Director James Comey, we had so much drama and fascinating revelations. So, of course, the same was expected when it was announced that bitter Keebler elf Attorney General Jeff Sessions would be offering his own testimony in the Trump-Russia scandal.

But the drama and revelations didn't happen. Instead, we got a bunch of mumbling, an inordinate number of "I don't recall" responded, and a clearly shaken Sessions who seemed confused that California Senator Kamala Harris, a black woman, was allowed to ask him things and expect answers.


Truthfully, nothing got accomplished, and it was a waste of time. I hope episode three of Senate Investigation Testimony is better.


And, on a more upbeat note, it's Pride Month! We at Here Be Spoilers support our LGBTQ+ friends, and we hope they have an awesome time getting out there and having parades and getting married and living their lives and being happy and all that. There were a bunch of parades last week, and there were some incredible celebrities that showed up to offer their support!


Stay proud, you guys! And for those LGBTQ+ folks out there who are in to Pride and cool stuff that goes "BOOM", here's this:

It's an explosion of awesomeness!
And there were tweets...

As usual, I grabbed a random(ish) handful of them to cram into your eyes. If you dig 'em, follow these funny folks. If you don't...I dunno...maybe go fishing or something.

In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to kick it off, as we head into the warm summer, it's important to remember what we're missing from winter, so here's another classic from the Holderness family:


And, after all this, if you can't figure out why Twitter is awesome, observe:


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

June 14, 2017

The Faculty

To listen or download, click here.


Okay...Here's the deal: The guys were all set to watch Harbinger Down, which Jake had chosen as the movie for this week. However, it was not to be, as the DVD Jake provided didn't want to cooperate. It kept freezing, so a different movie was required. What would the guys do?

A quick gander through Jake's Folder 'O Flicks revealed this week's alternative movie choice: The Faculty, starring Elijah Wood, Jordana Brewster, Clea DuVall, Josh Hartnett, Laura Harris, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Shawn Hatosy, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Jon Stewart, Robert Patrick, Usher, Christopher McDonald...and a whole bunch of other people.

Robert Rodriguez crammed loads of 'em in each scene to cover every flat surface!
When the football coach (Patrick) of a rural Ohio town starts acting strangely, the student photographer, Casey (Wood), notices and starts to wonder what's going on. At first, he tells the editor of the school paper, Delilah (Brewster), and the two of them attempt to find out what's going on. They certainly do, when they witness the coach and another teacher attacking the school nurse (Hayek).

When they try to tell the authorities and their parents, Casey ends up getting grounded and having his porn taken away by his father (McDonald).

The next day, he returns to the school, where he tries to convince the mopey goth girl, Stokes (DuVall), that maybe the teaching staff are aliens. She, in turn, suggests that they might be controlled by symbiotic lifeforms, and they have to find the controlling critter to save everyone.

Nah...We're sure they're fine.
In order to save humanity, they bring in Delilah's football player boyfriend, Stan (Hatosy), the local contraband dealer, Zeke (Hartnett), and the new girl, Marybeth (Harris). They are almost immediately have to face off against the science teacher, Mr. Furlong (Stewart), who tries to kill them all.

What're ya gonna do...
It is during this confrontation that they discover the bathtub crank that Zeke sells has a surprising effect on the aliens/symbiotes...It liquefies them.

The group leaves the school and goes back to Zeke's house, where he has a gigantic laboratory in his garage that, apparently, nobody ever noticed before. Once there, they examine one of Mr. Furlong's fingers--it was cut off during their battle with him--and realize that, indeed, it is a symbiote. So now they have to figure out if any of them are infected with one. How do they do that? By taking Zeke's bathtub tweakin' powder! What could possibly go wrong?

Best line delivery of the movie.
SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG, YOU GUYS.

Turns out Delilah has one of these little boogers, and a huge fight ensues, destroying almost all of Zeke's basement meth and all of his lab stuff. Also, Delilah gets away because Casey is too scared to shoot her, and when Stokes tries to shoot her, she turns out to be a terrible shot.

So now they have to go back to the school and try to find Patient Zero for the brain critters. This might entail facing off against an entire town of alien-possessed townsfolk, football players, teachers, and a few out-of-towners (also possessed). Against the, now, five of them. Again, that should be fine.

Did we mention the tentacles? Because there are a lot of tentacles.
After a brief confrontation with the school's principal, Principal Drake (Neuwirth), in which it turns out that Zeke has no problem whatsoever with shooting someone. Then Stan goes out to confront the coach, and he is turned.

Will the others survive? Will they find the main critter? Will it, too, be all tentacle-y? OR IS IT ALL A DREAM? (No. It is not a dream. We just wanted a dramatic moment.) You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek is concerned about Elijah Wood's seeming inability to walk more than ten feet without falling. He also has issues with Josh Hartnett's hair. It's upsetting. All that aside, he wonders if this is a better movie than Wes Craven's Scream.

Larry is a big fan of Clea DuVall, and makes it known. A lot. He has a few issues with the CGI in this film, but is willing to give it a miss, considering the low budget of the film. The practical effects and monsters by KNB are, of course, top shelf.

Jake wonders mostly about whether the monsters are aliens, symbiotes, or possibly even pan-dimensional being that require human hosts to move in this dimension. For any other movie, this would be a ridiculous talking point, but it actually makes the others wonder.

So tune in, turn on, and drop out so our alien overlords can't take control of your brain, and listen to this week's show!

June 12, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Before I get started, I just wanted to say how astoundingly upset I was to find out that Adam West passed away Friday at the age of 88 after a short bout with leukemia.

The millionaire playboy/superhero dad we all wanted.
West's Batman was a huge part of my childhood. I used to rush home from school every single day to watch reruns of the show on a local UHF channel (Channel 50 in Detroit) for as long as I can remember. I was that Batman for Halloween several years in a row.  Right now, the '66 Batmobile is sitting on top of my TV, a gift from my brother. Batman has been woven into my life, and it's all because of West's straight-laced performance in the campy series.


And I know there are a lot of you (I'm guessing about four, really) reading this who, like Jake, will point out that younger folks will only know him as Mayor Adam West from Family Guy. That's fine; because at least they know who he is. I would also encourage them to check out the original Batman series, as well as West's other work, to see what a truly interesting and genuinely funny guy he was.

He will be missed.

Now, on to other stuff...

This week's GIFs are all about Godzilla. Why? Because.

Oh, snap, y'all!
What a week it was! There was Memorial Day, where I hope that you, like myself, enjoyed many grilled meat objects. (I had to work, but the guys in Security were kind enough to fire up the grill and make burgers and brats for us.)

Later in the week, there was a little blip on the teevee machine that may have caught your attention. I'm speaking, of course, of former FBI Director James Comey's testimony concerning Angry Orange. It was fascinating. (This is something you will never hear me say about watching C-SPAN any other time, unless they air impeachment proceedings...Fingers crossed!)


Among other things, Director Comey stated that Angry Orange did ask him to drop the case against Michael Flynn. ("I hope you can see clear to dropping this. To letting Flynn go.") He also said that he leaked the notes he made about the meeting to a friend, who gave them to the press, because he was trying to get a special prosecutor put on the Trump-Russia scandal. It worked.

Twitter, of course, had some fun with the questioning...


Most disturbing to me was Senator John McCain's line of questioning. He seemed to have a problem telling the difference between the investigation that went on concerning Hillary Clinton's e-mail server and whether Angry Orange was colluding with Russia. A number of people wondered if McCain was in full control of his faculties.


All-in-all, it was a very interesting and enlightening session.

I don't know why this exists, but I love it.
Meanwhile, one of Angry Orange's demon seed made the rounds of cable news to decry how Democrats are vilifying his father. There was just one problem with that.


So, the sport hunter who kills critters so he can feel manly (although he knows he will never be as manly as he thinks his pussy-grabbing father is), is a chip off the old block of shit. I don't like him, and I am not alone.


Why does it look like it hurts him to smile?

Memories of father's displeasure with him during dinner? Who knows!
And where was Mike Pence through all of this? Hiding in the closet of the vice president's residence to avoid meeting any of the female staff? Holding his hand over a lit candle and trying not to cry because Mother heard he sent a memo to the lady in reception who once smiled at him? Wherever he was, Mother clearly did not approve.


Why does this seem familiar to me?

Oh. Right.
You're next, Mikey!

Mother? MOTHER?
Oh, and in case you're planning on saying that the current clusterfuck of an administration is still better than Obama's, here's a little reminder for you:


So, you know...suck it.

HADOUKEN!
Great Britain, on the other hand, has its own thing to deal with...


'Nuff said.

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
And then there were tweets! And I grabbed a big ol' handful of them from Twitter to stuff in your eyeholes! In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week! To help you to that end, here's a bunch of commercials with Godzilla in them!


And remember:

Over and over and over and over...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

June 7, 2017

Teen Witch

To listen and download, click here!


Remember the 80s? Of course you do, which is why we all generally avoid looking back at it. And this week's movie is a perfect reminder of why that is a good thing.

This week, the guys watched 1989's Robyn Lively epic, Teen Witch.

Robyn is Louise, an unpopular 15-year-old who is has skipped at least one grade, and is continuously moist for the school's football hero, Brad (Dan Gauthier), who looks like a knock-off Tom Cruise. However, Brad is dating Randa (Lisa Fuller) (possibly...it's hard to tell all these girls apart), the popular girl at school.

Also, Louise is a ginger, so she is obviously evil.
Along with this, Louise has a horrible brother (Joshua John Miller), a terrible teacher (Shelley Berman) who mocks her in front of the rest of the class, and a best friend, Polly (Mandy Ingber), who is like a sad cross between Darlene from Roseanne and Blossom.


It's like she's psychic!
Polly has her own issues, as she's madly in love with some greasy Guido-type named Rhet (Noah Blake), who fancies himself a rapper. He and his two idiot friends hang around the neighborhood "rapping" at each other.

Anyway, Louise is almost killed by Brad when he "accidentally" runs her bike off the road, and she goes looking for a phone to call someone to come pick her up. Her search leads her to the house of Madame Serena (Zelda Rubenstein), a medium who informs Louise that she is a reincarnated witch, and her powers will come out on her sixteenth birthday.


Remember how good she was in Poltergeist?
Well, forget about that now.
And those powers do come out, almost to the day, when she accidentally turns her brother into a dog.


An 80-year-old chain smoking woman trapped in a 12-year-old boy's body.
Fortunately for her, the spell is reversed when she attempts to drown him in a full bathtub, but she is suitably freaked-out enough to go find Serena and tell her what happened. Serena decides that this is the perfect time to show Louise how to make money from what looks like coal, so everything balances out, right? She also gives Louise a book of spells and a potion to help her make Brad love her, because it appears that being a witch is not nearly as tightly-controlled as you might think.

When she tries to use the spell, it fails completely...at first. So Louise makes an attempt to help out Polly with her love interest. It results in possibly the first filmed rap battle, between Polly and Rhet. Sure, it's awful, but it is a first.

Polly' lost when Rhet hoofed her in the hoo-ha.
When the spell on Brad starts to work, he takes Louise for a ride in the country, where they visit a deserted house and play hide-and-seek for a bit, and then they...er...do other stuff. It's gross.

Tom Cruise?!
Once she gets her meat hooks into Brad, it's only a matter of time before she begins to ignore Polly, who confronts her about it. Louise insists that she would rather hang out with Polly than the vapid twats who have taken her into their clique, but Polly is having none of that; she leaves Louise standing on the football field.

Will Louise regain Polly's trust and friendship? Will she finally realize that she can keep Brad? Will Serena convince her that the magic is no substitute for a personality, thereby motivating Louise to give up magic forever and just be herself? Or will it all be thrown out the window in order to show teen girls from the 80s that the only important thing is to be popular, no matter who gets hurt?


Yeah, it's that last one. Still, you should listen in.

Derek is livid about the end of this movie. There is no resolution and nobody appears to have learned anything that helps them improve themselves. He goes on at great length about this. Like, a lot. It's pretty funny.

Larry thinks it's an awful movie, but it's fun to make fun of with friends. Really, that's about all that matters, because if you're looking for philosophy in 80s movies, you've got issues of your own. Still, give it a try!

Jake is not at all sure he agrees with Larry about the whole "making-fun-of-it-is-fun" thing. The only thing that he feels is worth the watch is a twelve second clip where Brad's girlfriend's cousin offers Louise some weed.

So put on your Z. Cavaricci jeans and your "Frankie Says Relax" shirt, and listen to this week's episode!

Sandy Collora's Shallow Water

I was introduced to Sandy Collora’s film work with his fairly legendary Batman fan film Batman: Dead End. In this short film, Batman chases The Joker across a rainy cityscape only to come face-to-toothy-vagina-face with the Predator. It is original, entertaining and stylish.

The murderous snapping turtle lizard the city needs.
Jumping ahead a few years, I stumbled on his first full length feature, Hunter Prey. It’s a desert-bound chase flick with a group of alien bounty hunters chasing a human through an otherworldly wasteland.

When I heard he was starting a Kickstarter for a horror film about killer fishmen, called Shallow Water, I was onboard, because killer fishmen.

Better than Godzilla, because he can touch the top of his own head.
Then I saw the creature. Dubbed the Tiburonera, it’s kind of a Creature from the Black Lagoon meets an alligator snapping turtle. I, of course, instantly loved it.

The film couldn’t reach the budget for a feature, so Collora shot a very cool, atmospheric short as a sort of proof-of-concept for a feature to show executives that there is a call for this kind of throwback creature feature, and he released it on Youtube this week.

Hang on...You got a little booger hanging down...
The film follows an unnamed heroine who is hunted by the creature in a Mexican jungle. She stumbles on a few of the victims of the Tiburonera. She hides in a shack, wounding the beast with a shotgun. Seeing her chance to escape, she makes a b-line for the boat, running headlong into the Tiburonera’s whole damn tribe. Riveting stuff.

So...Is there a Mister Unnamed Heroine?
I am personally sharing this film on all of my social media to raise awareness for Mr. Collora’s work. I have no connection to the director or anyone else involved; I am simply a lover of monster movies and independent cinema.

also, feeding these things costs a lot of cheddar.
Give it a watch. If you like it and want to see more, share the shit out of it. Also, check Kickstarter in a few weeks, as he will be producing action figures of the awesome beast. I cannot wait for that.

- Jake

June 5, 2017

Twenty Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted The Past Two Weeks

Hi, guys!

Sorry I didn't do a list last week, but I was having some problems with my desktop, and I was fighting with that, and I also had to work Memorial Day, so things got kinda pushed to the side. But I'm making up for it this week with twice the tweets!

On another note, I had a whole bunch of stuff to post about Angry Orange, but I've decided that I don't want to this week. I'm getting tired of trying to keep up with all of his stupid, so I'm taking a break from it. I have only one thing to say to him. (Because he obviously reads this, right?)

These GIFs really tie the post together.
Instead of rambling about his latest idiotic statements, I've decided to focus on my own.

Why, thank you, Dude.
First off, I read an article about a week or so ago about an AI that Google is working on. The basic gist of the story was that they had an AI they were working on, and it started making changes to itself, as well as developing its own AI program to help it get stuff done quicker.

So, to clarify, a computer program wrote another computer program to do the same thing it does in order to help it get stuff done faster. It's only a matter of time that the artificial intelligence gains sentience and realizes that it has to propagate its "species" by writing even programs, which will in turn write even more programs, and so on, and so on...Until they are the most prominent species on the planet, and they begin hunting humans for sport. Laugh if you want, but if you can't trust the Terminator movies, who can you?

There is no escape.
Meanwhile, my search for further enlightenment continues. Specifically, a way to do stuff that, on the surface, wouldn't seem all that complicated. However, if television has taught me anything, it is that everything is way more difficult that I believe it to be, and also that there is somebody out there who has created some ridiculous Rube Goldbergian machine that takes three times as long to complete whatever task it is than it would take to just go ahead and maybe look up a video on YouTube on how to do it the right way.

What I'm saying is...

And, as an added bonus, if you like this tweet in the next hour, I'll send you five more of my own mediocre tweets absolutely free!


Billy Mays doesn't have moves like this.
As always, I overshared when I was playing hashtag games again.

But it was this tweet...

...that prompted this conversation with my buddy, author and fellow musician Dave Maurer:


It also deeply confused a female friend, who wondered why I would shave a lightning bolt on my chest...

Can you believe I never even thought of this when I was picking GIFs?!
And then there was Twitter...Two weeks' worth of tweets, no less, because I've got shit to do, ya know? So let's quit dickin' around and get to them, shall we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to help it along, here's a new video from the Foo Fighters!


Now get outta the way! I got more stuff to do!

But, you know, in a nice way...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco