October 31, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys! And, if you're reading this on Monday, Happy Halloween!

And, as it is Halloween, I am absolutely going to be using some GIFs from It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. But you knew that, didn't you?

Of course you did.
So let's get started.

It appears that the GOP and its followers are losing their mind. And, as Election Day comes closer, they're doing it quicker.

And over on the Democratic side, they just keep fanning the flames because, well, it's fun. Those Republicans just don't have a sense of humor.

The only part that is hard to figure out is whether they just hate Democrats, or they're embarrassed at the candidate that they chose. But really, can't it be both?

The Right and the Left in one simple animation.
(Both sides think they are Linus, and the other is Lucy.)
Oh, there was also another e-mail dump from WikiLeaks. Questions have, as usual, arisen concerning whether they are working for the Russian government because it seems the only stuff we're seeing is coming from Clinton's campaign. I wonder why that is...

And Trump is having problems with his own voters...

But at least we're keeping our sense of humor about all this, right?


How come the FBI never figured out who sent this to Charlie Brown?
But, as I mentioned earlier, it is Halloween. And most people are more scared about what's going to happen in eight days than whether they see a spooooooooky ghost! while they go around their neighborhood (or the parking lot, if you're into the whole "Trunk or Treat" thing).
And, kids: Let your parents go through your candy before you eat any. And if they take anything out, just remember that they're doing it to protect you. It could be poisoned or something you're allergic to or...I don't know...something your parent like. Just don't argue. They know best.

Quick! The Johnston house has full-size Snickers!
Now, put on your mask (or safety goggles), because we got us a bunch o' them tweets from that there Twitter site that you've heard so many good things about! In no particular order...

And there you have it!

But wait! There's one more thing...
There's one last thing. This tweets has too many favorites (or, if you're not sure what that is, it's that stupid little heart at the bottom) to make it onto the list, but I thought it was pretty damn funny, so I decided to give it an honorable mention. @christofrini made me laugh right the heck out loud on this one, and I wanted to give him the nod for a job well done.

See? That didn't hurt.

At least, not nearly as much as Linus' soul-crushing disappointment later.
Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to help you along, here's the whole darn It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! episode. Enjoy!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

October 26, 2016

Poltergeist 2: The Other Side

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This week, they guys were joined by a guest to finish out their Halloween Classics of Horror series for October! Their guest, an enigmatic and mysterious young man known only as "Trent" sat down and watched Poltergeist 2 with them, even though that was not the actual plan.

If you may recall, last week Derek said that they would be watching The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Unfortunately, the copy they had was garbage, so they had a little pow-wow and picked something that was equally movie-like.

Poltergeist 2 is the continuation of the Freeling family (Craig T. Nelson as Steven, JoBeth Williams as Diane, Oliver Robins as Robbie, and Heather O'Rourke as Carol Anne) as they move in with wife Diane's mother (Geraldine Fitzgerald) until they can find a house to replace the one that ghosts ate in the last movie.

While out buying groceries, Carol Anne spots a creepy old minister (Julian Beck as Kane) who seems drawn to her. And while he appears to be just your average barely alive skeleton covered in skin, it quickly becomes obvious that this guy might be something else entirely...Something otherworldly. Especially when some walks directly through him without even noticing.

Not long after, while the family is having a nice, quiet lunch in the back yard, Kane shows up again. At first, he continues to try being nice, while also trying to hypnotise Steven with his gigantic, Tony Robbins-esque teeth. When Steven won't let him into the house, Kane straight-up loses his shit, screaming that everybody is going to die in that house. (This is known as a "Hard Sell" to your average door-to-door dispensers of Salvation.) Steven sends him packing.

I surely do need to wreck your crapper...
When a huge Native Anerican guy named Taylor (Will Sampson) shows up, insisting that he was sent by Tangina Barrons (Zelda Rubenstein) -- the short-statured psychic that sort of saved Carol Anne's bacon last time -- Steven also wants to send him packing, as well, but Taylor convinces him to give up a small section of the backyard for a tent by promising to fix the family's station wagon, which has been acting up.

And to hook Steve up with some primo bud...
What follows is some Tai Chi with butterflies, and super-rapey tequila worm, and a garage full of tools that want the family dead. Also, poor Robbie, who spends most of his onscreen time just reacting to things, is almost electrocuted and eaten alive by his own braces. Man...Puberty can be a real bitch.

Now I'll never get to touch a boob!
When Diane's mother dies, the ghosts/spirits/creepy old big-toothed guy kick it into overdrive, and the family must head back to the site of their old house, where they hope to find some answers. Instead, they find Tangina talking cryptically (it's kind of her thing) about how she feels she's losing her edge, a cave filled with Kane's followers' skeletons, and, oh yeah, a big ol' murder ghost vortex that drags Diane and Carol Anne into it, leaving Steven and Robbie standing by helplessly until Taylor sort of shoves them into the fire where he's watching what's going on.

Give us a smooch!
Will Steven and Robbie save Diane and Carol Anne? Will Taylor fix the damn car? Will Tangina ever find a decent pair of sunglasses that aren't so huge they almost entirely cover her face? You'll have to wait and see!

Trent had never seen this movie before, and he was kind of impressed, although he feels like the effects could have been better.

Derek points out how little Tangina is given to do, and how it seems that, despite having gone through what the family did in the first movie, Steven has forgotten all of it and is also a little bit racist toward Taylor.

Jake disagrees with Derek, pointing out that this movie is a lot racist toward Taylor. Although he's supposed to have magical abilities, all of that is pushed aside when white guy Steven has to rescue his wife and daughter, and Taylore is instead pushed back to second banana and hander-outer of pointy sticks.

Larry liked the movie, and felt that it might have been just a bit too short in the budget area. The special effects, while still pretty good, weren't even close to on par with the ones in the original movie, and yet this one still managed to make twice its budget back in box office. So, obviously, some sort of Special Edition has to happen, right?

So put on some war paint, take some peyote, and hunker down in front of the warm glow of your speakers for this week's episode!

October 24, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Yeah, okay. Here's the deal...

I am sick. The weather changing, and my allergies are conspiring to straight-up kill me, but I forged ahead and got some tweets. But I didn't go looking for GIFs today. So what I am going to do is kind of a random "best of" sort of thing from the ones I've already used. No captions; they will just be there, mocking me. I'm cool with that. Let's start, shall we?

The third and final presidential debate happened, and it was just as ridiculous as you might have expected it to be.

I couldn't watch, as I had to work, but I got the details after. And of course, the one major takeaway was Angry Orange refusing to say whether he would accept the results of the election. Instead, the rumor was that he (and his Child of the Damned) are trying to start up Trump TV. Let that sink in for a bit, and when you stop screaming, make sure to check out the video in this tweets:

That sounds like fun!

Myself, I'm thinking about a write-in campaign. Let me tell you about my kind of candidate...

Remember: A vote for Ash is a vote for smarmy dickbags who still manage to be kinda likeable. (As opposed to the unlikeable kind, like Angry Orange.)

The rest of Angry Orange's week was spent claiming that everything is rigged against him. Not just the election, but also the media and Saturday Night Live!

So, to recap: A rich white guy who has had everything handed to him by an army of paid yes-men and yes-women, believes that, because he isn't getting his way, it is obvious that he is being cheated. What a tool.

Myself, I spent the week possibly revealing way too much about myself and my thought processes.

And that, dear reader, is what the inside of my head really looks like.

And then there were tweets...So many tweets. And I, in my weakened and booger-intensive state, had to pare it down to just ten. Here's the result. If you disagree with me, by all means, go to Twitter and find ten you think are better. I'll even come to your blog and read 'em! But until then, here are my choices...

And there you have it!

Now go have an awesome week. And to help it along, here's some Bad Lip Reading fun for the whole family!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

October 19, 2016

The Wolfman (1941)

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(ANOTHER NOTE FROM DEREK: Okay...I need to apologize to Jake for doubting him. Turns out that, despite the common knowledge that the Dr. Frankenstein in the Mary Shelley book--which is supposed to be the material source for this movie--is called Victor, and that is how IMDb has the character named for that movie, a quick re-watch of the opening credits show that, for some reason, Victor Frankenstein was, in fact, called Henry in the movie. So, with that in mind, I wanted to apologize to Jake for saying he was wrong. But I still say he can suck it, and so can IMDb. Thank you.)

This week, the guys sat down to watch the 1941 Universal classic, The Wolfman, starring Lon Chaney, Jr., Claude Rains, Bela Lugosi, Evelyn Ankers, Ralph Bellamy, Patric Knowles, Warren William, Fay Helms, J. M. Kerrigan, Maria Ouspenkaya, and Forrest Harvey as "Twiddle". Yes, you read that right; there is a guy named Twiddle.

Larry Talbot (Chaney) is returning home to England, despite clearly not being English in any way whatsoever, for the funeral of his brother, who was killed in a hunting accident. His father, Sir John (Rains), who is English, is happy to see him, and so any chance for a conflict over why Larry has abandoned his Englishness is completely lost, largely because this is a short movie, so there's no time for silly emotions. Besides, as noted, their family (aside from Larry, is British. They don't do that.
Emotions are for ethnic people, son. Now sit. Stay.
Instead, Larry starts using a telescope to stalk Gwen (Ankers), who lives across the street above a shop her father (Kerrigan) runs. And, not one to let a creepy opportunity pass, he immediately rushes across the street to pretend to purchase some jewelry and then a cane from her, giving away his plan, as well as probably sizing her up so he can decide what sort of garment he can make for himself from her skin. Gwen seems delighted by this, but not so much that she'll go alone with him to a second location. Instead, she recruits her friend Jenny (Helm) as a barrier, and they make their way to a gypsy festival sort of thing, where they can get their fortunes told by an excessively mustachioed gypsy named Bela (Lugosi).
Drink it in, ladies.
Bela reads Jenny's palm and freaks out when he sees a pentagram in her palm. Sje also freaks out and runs off into the night, where she is almost immediately attacked by a wolf and killed. Larry, who went searching for her, finds the wolf attacking her and beats it with his cane, which has a silver wolf head on top of it. The wolf also attacks him and scratches his chest. When several other villagers run to the sound of the scuffle, they find Larry, Jenny, and Bela, who is dead, next to Larry's cane. They drag Larry back home and the police come in, including Twiddle, to figure out what happened.

The next morning, people start showing up at both Larry's and Gwen's homes, wanting to know what happened. For his part, Larry has no idea. And, even more confusing, the scratches on his chest have disappeared. He goes to his father, who says that there's obviously nothing wrong with Larry except that he might have caught a little bit of crazy. Larry, unconvinced, heads over to see Gwen, where he explains what happened, and then decides he has to talk to the gypsy's mother (Ouspenkaya). She tells him that her son was, in fact, a werewolf, and that Larry might now be one himself. This is quickly determined to be true when he follows her to the cemetary where Bela is being buried, and he transforms into a wolf, spots a gravedigger, and kills him.
Bad boy! Baaaaad!
A group of hunters finds the body of the gravedigger, and they mount a search for the huge-footed wolf that killed him, and Gwen's fiancee, Frank (Knowles) follows the footprints right back to the Talbot family's castle, where Larry has just woke up to find wolf prints all over his floor and windowsill.

Again, Larry goes to his father, who again claims that Larry's not a werewolf; he's just a bit crazy! And Sir John figures the best way to cure Larry is to strap him into a chair and leave him alone. Brilliant!

So...You're single, are you?
While Sir John is speaking with the group of hunters, Larry escapes (who could have seen that coming?!) and goes prowling. He comes across Gwen, who was out searching for him, and he tries to strangle her to death, as wolves do. Sir John hears her screams and runs toward the sound, where he finds something attacking Gwen, so he beats it with Larry's cane, which he conveniently happened to have with him, and kills the werewolf.

Help us down! We're scared!
The creepy old gypsy woman shows up, mutters some incoherent stuff at the werewolf, and it turns back into Larry. The end. Really. That's it.

Derek likes the movie, overall, but he has issues with what an instant creeper Larry is when he sees Gwen. He also wants to know what the deal was with Bela's upsetting facial hair. You would think there would be issues with the Wolfman himself, but really, the Sam Elliot-ness of Bela's mustache is incredibly distracting.

Larry really likes the sets in this one. But he has problems with Bela becoming a straight-up wolf, but Larry only turns into a Wolfman. What's up with that? He, like the others, also has an issue with Larry's complete lack of an accent when everyone else int he movie has one. It's weird.

Jake liked it, but he has a problem with the woods, where most of the action happens. Why is everyone always going out there in the middle of the night? Why are they usually doing so alone? And what's with the group of hunters? Do they live there? And why is their "shelter" a clump of trees where they only stand about three feet off the ground?

So tuck in your flannel shirt, brush your fur, and listen to this week's episode!

October 17, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Oh, boy...What a week. It's been...weird. But not nearly as weird as Dan Hertzfeldt's cartoons, which will comprise the GIFs that I use this week!

This is one of the less weird ones.
Okay, let's just get this out of the way: Angry Orange is now super angry, and he is starting to take it out on his party. Things are looking bleak between them, and...well, here. Let's just have a look.

Part of the problem is that Angry Orange has started really ramping up the talk about how the election is going to be "rigged". This has caused problems for the GOP because they now have to go out there and say that voter fraud really isn't a thing, thereby destroying their ongoing narrative that voter fraud is a thing.

Dramatic re-enactment of an Angry Orange rally where a Democrat wanders in.
For his part, Angry Orange attended the debate last Monday and said that, if he wins, he will have a special prosecutor look into Hillary's e-mail stuff, even though it has already been investigated a bajillion times and little to nothing has been found. Oh, and also in spite of the fact that, as president, he himself cannot instruct or assign a special prosecutor.

This is a guy who wants to be the boss of all of us.

Dramatic re-enactment of the debate.
Speaking of the debate, it was another wonderful show where a deranged lunatic wordlessly stalked a woman. To be honest, I was a little concerned for Hillary's safety. And it turns out I wasn't the only one. But it was also an opportunity for a laugh or two.

Aside from the crazy stalker vibe, some other stuff happened. F'rinstance, since it was a "town hall" format, some undecided voters got to ask questions. It went about as well as you might expect, with Hillary trying to give answers while Angry Orange tried to hump a chair. Here's a brief rundown of some highlights:

There was another unexpected surprise at the debate, in the form of a mysterious, enigmatic, kinda doughy guy by the name of Ken Bone. Immediately after being seen onscreen, he became an instant sensation, only to crash and burn shortly after when his porn preferences came to light.

Hell, even I made a few jokes, including this timely gem.

Stop shaking your head sadly. It was funny at the time.

This is what happens when I try to think of something to tweet.
Then there were tweets. Tweets from Twitter denizens who, as the title suggest, made me snort-laugh hard enough that I wanted to share their humor with you. So what say we do some of that? In no particular order...

And there you have it! Not too shabby.

I have nothing to add. This one explains itself.
Now get out there and have an awesome week, will ya? And to set it off, here's one of Dan Hertzfeldt's awesome short films.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

October 13, 2016

Frankenstein (1931)

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(A Note from Derek: It should be noted that we refer to Dr. Frrankenstein as Henry throughout the show despite the IMDb cast list showing Colin Clive as playing Victor Frankenstein. This is all Jake's fault. When I first said the name Victor, Jake corrected me, telling me that the character was, for some reason, called Henry. He sounded so sure of himself that Larry and I took him at his word without going back to make sure he was right. I now know that we should have. Henry is not the name of any major character in this movie. So, as you listen, every time you hear one of us--usually me--refer to "Henry", what I really mean is "Victor". And when we refer to "Victor", we also mean "Victor". It's really confusing. Jake would be made to sit on his punishment stool for this transgretion, were it not for the fact that he enjoys it too much.)

Once again, we return to the source of what are purported to be the classics of horror, and this week the guys have a winner!

They sat down and watched the 1931 Boris Karloff version of Frankenstein, which is the story of a not-particularly-sane scientist named Victor Frankenstein (Colin Clive) and his spunky assistant Fritz (Dwight Frye) as they attempt to undermine Nature and whatever god it is that they feel the need to believe in. How do they do this, you ask? By collecting dead dudes and stitching bits of them together to make a whole new person!

Ish...It's alive-ish...
Victor's fiancee, Elizabeth (Mae Clarke) is a little worried about him based on some disturbing letters she has received from him. So she recruits Victor's friend (John Boles), who is also named Victor, and Dr. Waldman (Edward Van Sloan), to speak to Victor's father, Baron Frankenstein (Frederick Kerr) about their concerns.

Baron Frankenstein is busy getting their little village ready for Victor and Elizabeth's wedding, with the help of the Burgomeister (Lionel Belmore), and he doesn't have time for all of this silliness, so Elizabeth, Victor, and Dr. Waldman decide to go to the abandoned windmill where Dr. Frankenstein has set up shop. When they arrive, he is not interested in seeing them, being as he's going to be trying to bring a piecemeal corpse to back to life. However, they complain and bitch and while until he lets them in to watch him mocking the universe.

Fritz, you're limber...Skitter
up there and get that, will you?
Things seem to be going well with the experiment, and before long, Victor's Creation (Boris Karloff) is up and moving around, being fascinated by the little things, such as sunlight. And it appears that Victor's experiment worked...

...at least until that idiot Fritz comes running in with a torch and basically sticks it in the Creation's face, freaking it out--a quite reasonable reaction, really. But everybody treats it like the Creation just suddenly went off for no good reason, and Dr. Waldman immediately wants to kill it. What a dickweed.

Instead, Victor locks the Creation in its cell and goes about his business. But it seems the door wasn't locked that well, because the Creation breaks out almost immediately, and it goes for a stroll in the woods, where it comes across a little girl whose father left her home alone so he could go get hammered at the wedding and then come home, throw up in his daughter's bed, and then pass out with his pants off in front of the fire.

Nothing to worry about here!
The little girl doesn't feel threatened by the Creation and tries to befriend it. She shows it how she throws flowers in the nearby river (this is pre-television, so kids had to make up their own fun), and all seems to be going well until the Creation runs out of flowers and chucks the little girl into the river, where she drowns.

Over at Victor and Elizabeth's wedding celebration, things are getting pretty crazy; the Baron is getting the help hammered, Victor is nervously anticipating his wedding night, and the guy who left his daughter alone is now carrying her lifeless corpse through the streets on his way to the Burgomeister's home, where the townsfolk (the village people?) divide into three groups to find whoever or whatever it is that killed the girl.

(It shoulds be noted that Victor was put in charge of one of the groups and could easily have admitted that he had a pretty good idea what caused this, but he is suspiciously silent on the matter.)

Theirs was a forbidden love...
While traipsing through the woods, the Creation (now referred to by the rest of the cast as "The Monster") hears Victor coming and attacks him, delivering a savage beating and dragging his unconscious body to yet another abandoned windmill so it can finish administering Victor's beatdown in quiet privacy, at least until the villagers show up.

And when they do show up, all hell breaks loose. Victor and the Creation struggle against each other, ending up outside on the upper deck of the windmill, where the Creation picks Victor up and throws him over the railing and down to the ground. The villagers drag him away to safety, stopping only to set the windmill on fire with the Creation inside.

This is all Fritz's fault.
Will the Creation escape, once again able to terrorize on the vaguely European hillbillies of the village until it is able to exact its revenge on Victor himself? Will Victor and Elizabeth be married, even though the Creation that Victor built kinda sorta tried to murder Elizabeth? Will the Baron finally get the help drunk enough to give up the good stuff, despite the horrible symbiotic goyter on the side of his neck, thus allowing him to avoid several costly sexual harrassment suits? Will Fritz ever find a Posture Pal? You'll have to listen to find out!

Jake liked the movie, but he was concerned about the force with which Victor was thrown from the top of the windmill. Or, more specifically, the dummy that was a stand-in for Victor. He also is impressed with the way the film was shot, citing several particular scenes that were especially effective. He also thinks Fritz is kind of a dick.

Larry also enjoyed the movie. He did, however, have to drop some serious science on the scene in which Fritz cuts a corpse down from a gallows in the beginning of the movie. By his calculations, the corpse reached terminal velocity in about six feet, and hit the ground so hard that it should have left a hole in the ground that reached about halfway down to the core of the planet.

Derek also liked the way the film looked, and he felt that this was the movie that Dracula should have been. He felt that the Creature was played so well by Karloff that you have no choice but to feel sympathy for it. If he had to choose one thing that bothered him about the movie, it has to be that the sky was too wrinkly.

So tighten those bolts, fire up the lab equipment, and give life to this week's episode!

October 10, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-tweeted Last Week

Hey, guys!

Look, I'm not going to go into all the details of what happened with the Angry Orange this past week. I don't really need to. If you're that concerned, go look it up.

If, like me, you don't want the details, here's what happened in just a few tweets:

That pretty much sums it up.

Here. Eat this.
I only want to add one more thing about the election(sorta): Ted Cruz finally caved in and offered his support for Trump on the exact same day the worst of the news happened, which is pretty damn funny. Especially if you saw the pictures of Cruz as a phone bank, shilling for the Cheeto-in-a-mirkin.

There's a lot more....Feel free to look them up over on the Twitter machine. Now let's move on, with the help of some awesome Star Trek GIFs from the animated series!

Other than the above, I spent the rest of the week learning new things about the human body...

And offering my own personal wisdom...

You're welcome.

Did that noise come out of you?
I also spent way too much time concerned about creepy clowns.

But I wasn't the only one.

I think we can all agree they are creepy as shit.

Captain, we found these clown pubes in the transporter.
And, of course, there were tweets. I had a harder time than usual, because there were loads more about the presidential race, and I don't want to put you all through that.

So let's just see what other funny stuff I found there! In no particular order...

And there you have it!

What is that doing to my chair?
Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to help it along, here's a clip of the classic Star Trek episode "The Trouble with Tribble" done with LEGO!

One last thing:

Now get outta here, ya goons.

You're the best...And we're gonna graduate...And we're never gonna see each other again! *hic*
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

October 5, 2016

Dracula (1931)

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It's October! And while that may require a certain amount of "fest" in some areas, around here we have us a movie marathon! And the guys decided that what they really wanted to do for this year's Halloween marathon was watch four of the Universal horror classics!

This week's entry is the 1931 version of Dracula, starring Bela Lugosi. It's a dark, moody film with lots of people staring at things. Sort of like a Spielberg film, but without the light humor and action. It does have some pretty strong special effects, considering that it was more than 45 years before ILM.

Suck it, John Dykstra!
The film tells a truncated version of Bram Stoker's novel, going out of its way to avoid unnecessary things like character development. And characters, now we come to think of it. The cast basically consists of about seven characters. Among the missing are two of Lucy's (Frances Dade) suitors. The only other one is Dr. Seward (Herbert Bunston), who is now, like, super old and related to Lucy somehow.

Anyway, when attorney Renfield (Dwight Frye) arrives at Castle Dracula to assist with the purchase of Carfax Abbey in London, he is greeted by the mysterious Count Dracula (Bela Lugosi) himself, who makes short work of turning the lawyer into his own little monkey boy by feeding him bugs and making him all crazy.

And slowly turning him into Dennis Leary.
After a somewhat unpleasant trip across the sea, Dracula arrives in England, and Renfield is put in the loony bin.

While investigating the city for potential food sources, Dracula visits a concert hall and finds Dr. Seward, John Harker (David Manners), Mina Harker (Helen Chandler), and Lucy Westenra in one of the boxes, where he develops a passing interest in Mina.

It's subtle, but it's there.
A few days later, when Mina awakens to find a couple of puncture holes in her neck, she consults with Dr. Van Helsing (Edward Van Sloan), who suspects that there may be a vampire loose somewhere in London.

Dracula comes to visit and offer help, but is discovered for what he truly is when Van Helsing and Harker notice that he casts no reflection in a mirror. This leads to a confrontation of words between Van Helsing and Dracula that sets up the doctor's expertise, and the count's intense dislike of chintzy religious jewelry.

Did...did Van Helsing just call him a bitch?
Dracula hypnotizes Mina's nurse and makes her let him into Mina's room, where he grabs her and takes her back to his new digs at Carfax Abbey, where he throws Renfield down the longest staircase that anyone has ever seen.

Van Helsing and the dead albatross that is John Harker follow Dracula's path back to the Abbey, hoping to catch him in his coffin before he awakens and kills them all to death. Harker's uselessness is on full display, including his inability to run like a grown male adult.

Despite a dead weight holding him back, Van Helsing finds Dracula and must confront him in what will surely be a bloody, gory battle to the death...

Jake is disappointed in this movie, which is supposed to be a "classic". He doesn't feel that it is scary, except for Renfield's creepy crawl across the floor after Van Helsing and Dracula square off for the first time.

Creepy? Yes. But he's no Tom Waits.
Derek is also unimpressed. Aside from Bela Lugosi's lack of almost any actual movement, his "acting" involves mostly just staring at things, but not reacting very much at all. The one thing in the movie that he found fascinating was the bee coffin. Yes, that's a thing.

Larry was very unhappy with this movie because, despite being a supposed horror film, there is almost nothing to be horrified by. (At least, within the story itself. In reality, the most horrifying thing about this movie is that people consider it a classic.)