September 28, 2014

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Howdy, gang! It's Sunday, and you know what that means: I'm not wearing pants!

Aside from that, it's also time for a pile of funny from the hilarious folks at Twitter.

Oh, sure, you could go and find some of your own (and I really think you probably oughta should), but if you're still feeling a little bit nervous about dipping a toe or two in the waters of insanity, allow me to give you a small, damp loofah of absurdity provided by the people that I happen to find amusing.

So let's get to it, shall we?

And there you have it! Good times all around. As always, I hope you have the most absolutely awesome of weeks, and I'd like to give it a cheerful shove in that direction with an 8-bit version of The Matrix! Enjoy!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 24, 2014

A Memo From The Fraternal Order of Mad Scientists, Villains and Evil Persons

(Insipred by the #MadScientistProblems hashtag game on Twitter.)

Fraternal Order
Mad Scientists, Villains and Evil Persons

Dr. Arbigast von Terrordrome, president and CEO

To All Members:

It has recently come to the attention of this organization that, despite regular conferences and seminars concerning various methods designed to ensure that each of your diabolical plans reach fruition, we continue to lose members due to some of the most basic errors that can be easily avoided with the least amount of effort.

Now, it is understood that many of our members consider themselves "old school", as the kids are so fond of saying these days, and like to give their various nemeses a fighting chance, and that's all fine. However, it should be noted that it is completely possible to allow these scenarios while still maintaining a safe and secure secret lair.

With that in mind, we here at FOMSVEP would like to once again offer a few suggestions to help out not only our newer members, but also our longtime members who could do with a refresher.
  • First and foremost -- and to be honest, we're not even sure why this has to be brought up -- there is a reason that it is called a SECRET lair. Whether it is hidden deep in the bowels of a volcano somewhere in a Brazilian rain forest or in the basement of your mother's house, the rule should be as follows: If the pizza guy can find it, so can your nemesis.

  • A henchman with metal teeth or a robotic arm capable of crushing a conversion van with the flick of a wrist is all well and good, but gimmicky stuff like that has limited usability, and can often be left incapacitated with the simple application of a high-voltage wire. Instead, we at the FOMSVEP recommend just hiring regular henchmen. They are easily replaceable and cheaper when you get them in bulk quantities.

  • Speaking of henchmen, would it kill you to require that they take at least one hour per day to practice at the shooting range? Seriously, one good shot can take care of that secret agent from Mi6 so you can get on with your plan.

  • Which brings us to killing your nemesis. If he somehow manages to make it past your henchmen (even with daily shooting practice, we acknowledge that moving targets are harder to hit), complicated traps and/or slow-moving machines that lower them into vats of murderous substances (lava, molten metal, sharks with lasers on their heads, etc.), if you feel the need to use these, should be observed to completion. Aside from the joy of being able to watch your enemy's demise, it is important to make sure it happens.

  • This one is specifically for the mad scientists: Hire an Igor. We cannot recommend them highly enough. If you need a brain, they can get you a brain. Body parts? Same thing. They can even find an entire body, if you need it. And you can pay them in leftovers. They also clean and cook, although we would not recommend that you ask what is in the kidney pies.

  • Secret plans are called that for a reason. There is no reason to inform every single henchman about the full details of what your intentions are. Even more so, you should keep your Doomsday Machine's self-destruct code to yourself. No matter how thoroughly you vet your potential henchmen, it has been established over and over again that they tend to be quite chatty when a guy in a tuxedo ties them up and points even the smallest-caliber gun at them. The rule here should be: Only tell them what their part in the process is and nothing more.

  • Also, in the event that you capture your nemesis and you absolutely must use the slow-moving death method mentioned earlier, let us recommend that, instead of giving him or her a detailed explanation of your twisted plot, you stand quietly and just watch them die. Seriously. We know those situations can lead to awkward silences, but filling it with the information your nemesis needs in order to stop you is probably the worst choice you could make. If you really want to make them uncomfortable, let us suggest singing obscene limericks or pull out that accordion and play play a nice death dirge in a polka style. They'll be too confused to ask about your plans! Everybody wins!
Keep in mind that these are guidelines and not hard-and-fast rules. As noted above, we realize that everybody in the organization likes to use their own approach, but these are areas in which all of us could use some improvement.

One last reminder before closing: We are having another bake sale to help raise funds for our cadaver delivery department. It's been a tough summer, what with the unfortunate heat and the very unfortunate failure of the department's heavy-duty cooling system. The clean-up costs alone were staggering, and they're still trying to figure out the source of that strange smell. Anything you can contribute would be appreciated. However, please make sure that your Igors are not left alone with your baked goods. We do not want a repeat of last year's "screaming potato bread" incident.

Thank you for your time,
Dr. Arbigast von Terrordrome
president and CEO

September 21, 2014

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey! I just checked and it turns out that today is Sunday! You know what that means, right? No, aside from tapioca pudding night at the psych ward cafeteria...

That's right, kids! It's time for a new batch of really funny stuff I saw on Twitter and decided I just had to share with you. and, if you think these are funny, you should oughta maybe go on ahead and swing on over there and find even more!

But enough of that. Let's make with the funny!

And there you have it! Here's to hoping you have an awesome week! Let me try to help it along by throwing some video in your face, okay? It was my very first attempt at animation, and I used all the photos that were in my phone at the time as my test subjects. So, as you listen to this song (written and performed by me), keep in mind that I know all of these people. Enjoy!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 15, 2014

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Okay, okay...I know I'm late with this week's post. I have a reasonable excuse, though: I had to work early yesterday, then I came home and fell asleep almost immediately. I only intended to rest for an hour or two, but the next thing I knew, it was twelve hours later and Bosco was staring at me a few inches from my face with a meaningful look in his eyes that clearly told me, "Right now would be a great time to take me outside."

Anyway, as soon as Bosco was finished disgracing the neighbor's flowers, I rushed right back home to make this list of hilarious folks from Twitter who make the jokes I put out there seem like they were written by a not-as-funny guy with an unstable sleep schedule...

And so, with almost no ado whatsoever, let's get on with the funny! (In no particular order.)

And there you have it!

Here's to hoping for a great week for all of you. And to start you on your way, let me once again direct you to a clip from the continuously amusing Wits radio show/podcast hosted by John Moe. I can't recommend that show enough. Great music, great comedy, and occasional appearances from Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and RiffTrax!

This clip features Twitter ninja Rob Delaney, as well as musicians Neko Case and Kelly Hogan...

Have an awesome week!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 7, 2014

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Ugh...What a week. First, my desktop PC, where I do all of my audio editing, decided that its hard drive needed to just stop doing anything at all. (Incidentally, if anyone has a 250 GB - or larger - SATA hard drive they're willing to part with, e-mail me here.) Then the power supply for my laptop crapped out, and I had to spend money I really shouldn't have to get a new one. Next, some asshat hacker stole and posted a bunch of nude photos from various actresses' phones, including some from an at-the-time underage Jennifer Lawrence. (I really hope that person gets arrested a lot and maybe roughed-up on his way to jail.) Also, a couple of volcanoes have decided to remind all of us how easily we could all be turned into a small, charred stain on the floor. And finally, Joan Rivers, a groundbreaking female comedian who opened the door for so many other talented women in comedy, went and died while comedy was already reeling from having lost Robin Williams the previous week.

Oh, and we're also on the verge of World War III. (And nobody's going to like it. Everyone knows that the third part of a trilogy is always the shittiest one.)

Seriously...What the hell, man?

It's because of weeks like this that I am thankful for all the fine, funny folks at Twitter. No matter how horrible a day I've had, I know I can fire up Twitter and find literally hundreds of tweets from people who will make me laugh so hard that it seems like the world isn't slowly collapsing in on itself and taking all of us with it. And I love 'em all for it.

So! Let's all have a look at some of the funniest tweets I found this week, shall we? Here we go, in no particular order...

And there you have it! Pretty awesome, huh? And let's hope that this week goes better than last week. To help that along, let me introduce you to the hilarious and talented Ali Spagnola. She writes funny songs and is generally awesome. In this clip, she and her band covered Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" and made a great music video for it. Enjoy!

Have a great week!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 3, 2014

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, kids, one computer issue has been handled. I got my hands on a new power supply for my laptop, so I'm back with a shiny new list of re-tweets from the hilarious folks on Twitter.

Before I start with those, though, I just wanted to take a moment to thank Bart Dunsmore, Linda McCallum, John Normandin, Larry Sieczynski, D.J. Swinson, Steve Vaughan, Garland Reynolds and the Infamous Scotty Ray for making last weekend's The Ugly Couchcast presents Sausagefest 2: Electric Boogaloo live podcast show an absolute pleasure to be a part of. You guys rock!

Also, BIG shouts out to Starr, Haillie and, of course, Tonya, for allowing all of us to act like complete nincompoops for a couple hours.

And, of course, to all the people who came out to see the show -- many of whom were in attendance at our first Sausagefest.

There. Now that's out of the way. So let's get some funny happening! In no particular order...

And there you have it! Here's to hoping the rest of the week goes super awesome for all of you, starting with a bitchen Hump Day. And to help you on your way, here's another music video from my old band, Gypsy Moth (which featured Monica Hudson on vocals, Tom Kessler on rhythm guitar, Scott Aldis on bass, Larry Sieczynski on drums and myself on lead guitar) as bobbleheads! Stick around for the ending. It's good times. Also, Fun Trivia Fact: The people shown in the crowd include my kids and some great friends of mine. Enjoy!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco