August 27, 2014
Patrick Swayze, Patrick Swayze's mullet, Patrick Swayze's wife (who looks like Edgar Winter), and Patrick Swayze's almost entirely unused sword, accompanied by what seems to be a down-and-out Hulk Hogan, battle against Not-John Voight and his army boy band rejects in fright wigs in this post-Apocalyptic masterpiece of understatement and nepotism known as Steel Dawn.
Oh, boy, were the guys angry about this movie. Jake, who actually chose this turd-burger, is angry about the lack of actual swordplay in this swordplay-based film. Larry is angry about nearly everything in this movie, but the "sword holster"(?) in particular. Derek is just generally angry, but wants to make it clear that, despite a lack of specifics, it's still an unquenchable rage that makes him want to sit on this movie and dangle loogies over it, and then maybe pants it and drag it around the track at the local middle school..
Steel Dawn is exactly the kind of movie for which you need a podcast like this. We watch is so you don't have to! Listen now, and never, ever watch this film. Ever.
Next Week's Movie: The Man With The Screaming Brain
August 24, 2014
And that's why I've managed to wrangle Tonya Mehler to be my assistant in choosing this week's top ten. She carefully went through the vast number of re-tweets I did last week and helped me hone it down to a solid ten that I think will make you guys giggle.
Before I get into that, though, I wanted to remind everybody that next weekend is our live show, Sausagefest 2: Electric Boogaloo! If you're going to be in the Port Huron, Michigan area, come on out and have a blast with us!
And so, with only the smallest amount of ado possible, and in no particular order...
Just listened to audio of Floyd Mayweather trying to read, I'd think I'd be more comfortable listening to audio of my parents fucking.— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 22, 2014
Not to be racist but all white people look the same to me. pic.twitter.com/7s8FxGiJkH— Ernest Luckman Esq. (@ErnieLies) August 21, 2014
I occasionally worry that I'm turning into my mother, but then I remember I gained control of my shapeshifting abilities during puberty.— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) August 18, 2014
If the bald eagle sees his shadow on the 4th of July, there's six more weeks of America.— michael (@michaeljhudson) June 28, 2013
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.— Touchwood Tinder (@Chumpstring) November 16, 2013
Decisions... pic.twitter.com/WsQ7oRpVII— Mark Holland (@RiffRaff41) August 18, 2014
I tried to make a deal w the devil this morning, but he reminded me that I already sold my soul to him 3 yrs ago for a bacon-egg McMuffin.— Jimboswelt (@JIMBOSWELT) August 4, 2014
Opened a package of Velveeta Shells & Cheese and Val Kilmer crashed through my wall like the fucking Kool-Aid Man.— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) August 22, 2014
I just ate from an unmarked tupperware at the back of the fridge. I think it was chicken yogurt?— Addy Gibbs (@Addy_Gibbs) August 20, 2014
Nine months ago I tried an Axe body spray sample and now I have eight newborns from different women.— Joyful Multitudes (@Multitudes8) August 23, 2014
And there you have it! We both hope everyone has a great week. To help you along, please enjoy this 8-bit rendition of The Big Lebowski.
All the best,
Derek, Tonya and Bosco
August 20, 2014
This week, the guys go waaaay back to the mysterious, dark time known as 1964 to check out a "classic" called Horror of Party Beach!
This movie has everything! If, by chance, your definition of "everything" consists of teenagers who appear to be in their forties, excessively stereotypical housekeepers, a surf band that doesn't look like they know how to play their instruments, scenes shot in almost absolute darkness, poor dubbing, and a weird-looking fish monster/zombie that looks like it was made from old tires and hot dogs, that is...
|No, seriously...This is it.|
Alternate title: The Beast From Nathan's Famous!
In the end, they are left with even more questions than they had at the beginning. For instance, what's up with the monster's mouth? Are those bratwursts? And why is it filled with rice pudding and Stove Top stuffing (instead of potatoes)? Did Tina poop herself? How close to retirement are Hank and Elaine, the two "teenage" heroes? What's the deal with Elaine's father and his pervy expression? That band? Seriously? Is Eulabelle, with her insistence that "this is all voodoo", actually the smartest person in this movie? Or is she actually a ring wraith sent from Mount Doom? Why the slumber party/wake? Why wasn't there a sequel that focused on the drunk guys? And so much more...
So go! Now! Download this latest episode of Here Be Spoilers and share in the confusion!
Next Week's Movie: Steel Dawn
August 17, 2014
What I am here for is to share some tweets from the great people on Twitter who have given me a reason to smile in an otherwise dreary week.
And so, without any further ado, and very little organization...
did you done a crim? hi im Bill Lawyer and if u done a Bad Thing, i wil put on my suit and go to the jodge and tell him u didnt do it #Law— barnabus (@othersome) December 29, 2011
What the Hell was the question? pic.twitter.com/YYxVbxhGUI— Mark Holland (@RiffRaff41) August 16, 2014
To most Christians, the bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'.— Tyler Glass (@jewraff) August 11, 2014
Lost in Ikea for 271 days. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named, BÖJA. RESCUE ME— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) August 9, 2014
Today: the park - tomorrow: the world! Or, that other park, you know, the one over there... pic.twitter.com/lJ7VpTv2rH— JC (@jcgreen) April 26, 2014
People love lists, so here's one 1. Chiggers 2. Lip sweat 3. Bill Paxton 4. Smegma 5. The Great Potato Famine 6. Nonsense 7. Help 8. Please— Sir Jauntyhat (@ParentEsq) August 13, 2014
I'm using voice recognition software to write this tweed. No. Tweed. Know. Undo. Fondue that. Fondue hat. Erase. Duck. Duck you computer.— Darin Ross (@luckyshirt) August 15, 2014
CAUTION pic.twitter.com/6eCTT0pZSs— Mark Holland (@RiffRaff41) August 10, 2014
I really hope the production and costume designers of the new Mad Max movie drew inspiration from the Gathering Of The Juggalos.— Star-Jorts (@sara_clarke) August 15, 2014
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn't appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.— Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) May 6, 2014
And there you have it!
Before I go, I want to remind everyone that Sausagefest 2: Electric Boogaloo is less than two weeks away! If you're in the Port Huron, MI, area on the 30th, stop on by and join us for our second annual live podcast show!
Here's to a better week this week. And let me start it off for you with a little animated music video I made for "The Fruit Song" by my old band, Gypsy Moth:
Have a great week!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
August 13, 2014
August 10, 2014
I would be remiss if I didn't mention that it is also SHARK WEEK! With that in mind, why not listen to the podcast I did with Jake and Larry about Sharknado 2? Or, if you wish to hear about other big-mouthed creatures, there always our Year One podcast. (It stars Jack Black...Ya see, he's a monster with a large mouth, too, and he chews scenery like the sharks in Sharknado chew on people...See? I knew where I was headed with that.)
Anyway, let's get on with the madness that is Twitter, shall we? In no particular order...
Stood up too quick when I got off the couch and fell into a devastating cycle of depression and addiction that is tearing my family apart.— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) August 4, 2014
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) August 2, 2014
My 13 y.o. had to fill out a school career survey. His primary goals were "to get a girlfriend & thwart all those that oppose him" #HERO— Man-sized Thumbs (@mansizedthumbs) August 4, 2014
i like to slowly slide this under the divider if somebody is in the toilet cubicle next to me pic.twitter.com/16aJY0ic2D— Andy Pandy (@_Pandy) August 6, 2014
Jehovah's Witnesses now referring people to a website. They do know the computer was invented by a gay athiest who committed suicide, right?— Lawrence Congdon (@LC_Sun) August 6, 2014
Cop: Ma'am, I'm sorry. There's no easy way to say this. Lady: Oh my god. What is it? Cop: Toy boat toy boat toy boat toy boat.— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) August 7, 2014
Kristin Stewart is what happens when Rogue from X-Men touches the Mona Lisa.— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) August 3, 2014
Dating Tip: If her name has a "y" where an "i" should be or an "i" where a "y" should be she's down for butt stuff & puts ketchup on steak.— James (@JaySaysStuff) July 21, 2014
I had a plate of vegetarian appetizers at an art show and now my farts sound like the sax solo from Careless Whisper— El Jefe (@Sickayduh) May 19, 2014
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn't have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.— Beau Hartenstine (@madcaplaughs30) November 15, 2013
And there you have it! Have yourself a great week! And to set you on your way, here is my absolute favorite campaign commercial ever. (It's from the 2010 Tennessee governor's race.) Enjoy Basil Marceaux!
In the immortal words of Tracy Morgan: "Live every week like it's Shark Week."
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
August 6, 2014
August 5, 2014
Oh, people...We experienced what can only be described as a monumental event. So much so, in fact, that we had to do a special podcast to talk about this thing....
That's right! We sat down and watched Sharknado 2: The Second One. If you have never listened to this show before, this is the one that should be your starting point. There are arguments about shark physiology, Tara Reid impressions, a frank discussion about weather graphics. And laughs. Lots of laughs.
So get on board for this amazing movie and the fun we had with it!
Oh, and keep watching the weather and watch out for falling sharks...
August 3, 2014
Well, maybe not all the cool kids, but definitely all the attractive and smart ones.
Anyway, it was another awesome week. Of course, there's the premier of Sharknado 2: The Second One (which--shameless plug--I'll be recording a podcast about with Jake and Larry this very afternoon for Here Be Spoilers, so tune in on Monday when it's posted!).
Another fun thing that happened was Orlando Bloom (The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the first three Pirates of the Caribbean movies) did something we all have wanted to do for some time: He took a swing at worthless hunk of infected taint skin, Justin Bieber. Unfortunately, he missed. But he got to take a swing! It's a step in the right direction, for sure.
But enough of that. It's time to lay on the silliness of the Twitter folks. And, as always, let me implore you to go and join. It's great over there.
And now, in no particular order...
Remember how Arnold Schwarzenegger looked in Total Recall when he was ejected into the vacuum on the surface of Mars? That's my O face.— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) August 1, 2014
The tip jar at this briss smells funny— El Jefe (@Sickayduh) December 7, 2013
Ever wondered how planes fly? This picture reveals all. pic.twitter.com/MJtSC2ai82— Mike Clarke (@Mr_Mike_Clarke) July 31, 2014
I donated some sperm to a lesbian couple. They didn't want a child or anything. They just sat too close to me on a bus.— Monkey Tragic (@aka_fatman) July 31, 2014
I put ketchup on everything: Hamburgers, French fries, tater tots, my feelings, hot dogs, my college degree, popcorn, my virginity.— Brent (@Brentweets) July 30, 2014
If I had a vagina I'd be sure to take her on long walks past construction sites. She'd be an outdoorsy vagina. Yup.— Mikos Von Beaverhaus (@iMikosnyc) July 29, 2014
I just watched a fat guy at the playground birth himself out of the tube slide he was stuck in and it was so fucking glorious I want to cry.— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) July 25, 2014
*Tastes toilet water to make sure my dog doesn't know something I don't know— sara (@SomthinBoutSara) July 30, 2014
I'm not a priest but I know that jesus is 43% pancakes— Adam Says Relax (@Adam14) July 27, 2014
If you scan your tribal arm tattoo at the self register at the supermarket it rings up a case of PBR and a dozen Muscle Milks— Tim (@Playing_Dad) July 31, 2014
And there you have it! I hope you all have a fantastic week! And to help you on your way, here's a neat little clip of Wits host John Moe and author Neil Gaiman talking Mythbusters host Adam Savage into singing "I Will Survive" as Gollum from Lord of the Rings:
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
August 1, 2014
Oh, sure, he’s a twitchy man whose movie choices sometimes leave me baffled (Earth Girls Are Easy, Independence Day – judge me all you want on that one; I stand by my belief that it’s not a very good film, although it is through no fault of the Goldblum himself…that one lays squarely at the feet of director/co-writer Roland Emmerich), but he’s also made it into some amazing films, as well (Jurassic Park, the incredible remake of The Fly), and, despite the fantastical storylines of a good many of them, he managed to give those roles the feel of a regular guy stuck in incredibly weird circumstances.
And that’s why I’m writing this piece as part of the multi-blog Goldblumathon presented by Cinematic Catharsis and talking about a few of my favorite Goldblum performances.
|"I was The Fly. I know shit when I see it."|
|Nope. No other reason at all...|